PLAYERS
Fireman: Johnny Grey
Captain: Stanley Blystone
Minnie: June Gittelson

SCENE 1 (Firehouse Garage)

FIREMAN: That sure was a hot one, Captain � the hottest one we''ve had in a long time.
CAPTAIN: Yeah, we need more help around here. Say, where are those three chuckleheads?
FIREMAN: Oh, those three nuts?
CAPTAIN: Yeah __
FIREMAN: Huh, I guess the squirrels got ''em.
CAPTAIN: Nah, no such luck. Ring the bell; I''ll take care of them. Hey, you three up there!

SCENE 2 (Fireman''s Quarters)

(the boys are showering)
CURLY: Lah-lee-la-la __ (firehouse bell sounds)
MOE: (to Larry) Hey, do you hear a bell?
LARRY: What?
MOE: I said did you hear a bell?!
LARRY: What''ya say?
MOE: __ the bell! __ the bell!!
LARRY: I can''t hear you on account of the bell!
MOE: It must be a fire!
LARRY: A fire!? Hey, it''s a fire! (all three run out of the shower revealing them wearing slickers)
MOE: Come on! (slap!) Get outa here! We don''t wanna miss another one!
LARRY: Alright, we ain''t gonna miss it. Get down there. Alright, hurry up!
CURLY: Wait a minute! Wait a minute, wait for me! (Moe and Larry slide down the pole)
MOE: Hiya Cap! Come on, you''ll miss the fire!
CURLY: (has soap in his eyes) Woob-woob-woob-woob __ I''m blind! I can''t hear or I can''t see ya! Hey, wait for me, hey! (stumbles into pole, sliding down and landing on top of Moe and Larry)

SCENE 3 (Firehouse Garage)

MOE: (picking up Curly) Get up here! Why don''t you look before you fall?
CURLY: I got soap in my eyes, I can''t see! (Moe eye-pokes Curly) Ooh! Ooh! __ there you are!
CAPTAIN: Why weren''t you three at the fire?
CURLY: We just got up, we was taking a shower. (slap!) Oooh! Cap''n, you know how it is __ we was out shaking our tootsies with the girls last night.
CAPTAIN: Just why did you three half-wits join the Fire Department?
CURLY: So we wouldn''t have to buy any tickets for the Fireman''s Ball! Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk. (Moe twists Curly''s ears) Yeow!
CAPTAIN: Oh, a comedian, eh?
MOE: Now, listen __
CAPTAIN: YOU listen! You''ve missed fires, slept through alarms, been late for duty, and broken every rule in the book! You''re through, you''re fired! And if this was the army, I''d have you shot at sunrise!
CURLY: But you couldn''t do that, Cap''n __ we don''t get up that early. (bonk!)
MOE: (pushing Curly) Come on! Now listen, Cap __ you wouldn''t turn us out into the cold, cruel world? Supposing it was snowing, we''d freeze!
CURLY: Yeah, it''d be cruelty to animals!
LARRY: Our girls love us in these uniforms.
MOE: Aw Cap''n, give us another chance, will ya? We''ll put a fire out single-handed!
LARRY: We''ll put two fires out double-handed!
CURLY: We''ll even start a fire and have you put it out!
CAPTAIN: Well, I guess I''m just an old softie __ I''ll give you another chance. But remember, this is the last one!
MOE: Aw, thank you!
CAPTAIN: Get to work and wash that hose!
MOE: We gotta come through for the Captain!
LARRY: __ and the crew!
CURLY: __ and the alma mater, too!
MOE: Come on __ get busy!
CURLY: Woob-woo-woo-woo-woob, woo-Woo!

SCENE 4 (Firehouse Garage)

DELIVERYMAN: Here''s your new car, Captain __ the prettiest one of the shipment.
CAPTAIN: Boy, she IS a beauty! I''ve been saving months for that baby!
DELIVERYMAN: Yeah, take it kinda easy the first 500, will ya, Cap?
CAPTAIN: Don''t worry, I will.
CURLY: Oh __ (drops hose in washtub splashing Moe __ Moe throws a bucket of water at Curly, Curly ducks)
CAPTAIN: Hey, look at my new __ (splash!)
MOE: Come on, come on! We''re sorry Cap''n, it was all a mistake!
CURLY: Yeah, he forgot to throw the bucket.
MOE: Think nothing of it, Cap''n __ we''ll have you cleaned up in a jiffy. Take it easy now, fellas. (Curly picks up a rag and wipes the Captain''s clothes leaving long, white streaks) Look what you''re doing to the Captain''s coat!
CURLY: Now it matches his hat!
CAPTAIN: Stop it!
CURLY: Oh, ungrateful, huh?
CAPTAIN: I should have you fired, but you''ll keep working here ''til you''ve paid for this suit.

SCENE 5 (Hose Washing Station)

MOE: (to Curly) Hey you, roll those hose lines out. (Curly rolls hoses out the firehouse door and over streetcar tracks __ the streetcar cuts the hoses) Say, let''s get this over with and I''ll ask the Cap''n to let us off tonight.
CURLY: Yeah, we''re invited to Mamie''s house for a birthday party.
MOE: Oh boy!
CURLY: Plenty of pigs knuckles smothered in garlic!
MOE: Hah!
LARRY: She''s got a couple of new girls for us to meet, too!
MOE: Oh, a blind date, eh?
CURLY: She ain''t blind, she may be a little hard of hearing.
MOE: Yeah, uh __ come on, get moving here, if you wanna get out.
CURLY: Lah-lee-la-la __ (they start scrubbing the hose, Curly encounters the cut pieces) Woo, oh! Look at all the little baby hoses! Quintuplets � Marie, Annette, Yvonne __
MOE: Hey!
CURLY: What?
MOE: Don''t disturb the rest of ''em, they''re asleep. (slap!) Come on, if the Cap''n sees us, we''re through! Roll ''em up and get ''em hid __ hurry up now!
CURLY: (drags a long piece of hose back over the tracks and a passing streetcar cuts all the hose except the piece over Curly''s shoulder) Here''s my roll __ Hhmm!
MOE: Got any more in your hands?
CURLY: (extending arms) No __ (Moe eye-pokes Curly and winds his hands into the washtub wringer, then Moe and Larry begin whipping him with pieces of hose) Ooh! Ooh! I''m caught! Ooh! Ooh! Woob-woob-woob-woob! Ow!

SCENE 6 (Mamie''s Apartment)

MAMIE: (brings in cake) Isn''t it pretty, girls?
MIMI: Oh __
MINNIE: It''s swell __ let''s eat.
MAMIE: Oh, I wonder why Curly and his friends haven''t shown up?
MINNIE: It''s me __ I''m a Jonah. I guess the only way I can get a man to come and see me is to call a doctor.
MAMIE: (knock at the door) Come in.
CURLY: (enters) Happy birthday, Mamie __ nyuk-nyuk-nyuk- nyuk.
MAMIE: Hello Curly. Curly, this is Mimi and this is Minnie.
CURLY: (to Minnie) Hiya Mimi. (to Mimi) Hiya Minnie.
MINNIE: I''m Minnie.
MIMI: I''m Mimi.
CURLY: I''m hungry.
MAMIE: Well, sit down. Take a load off your feet.
CURLY: It ain''t my feet that hurts. (takes off overcoat revealing a hot water bottle tied to the seat of his pants __ sits down and the bottle sprays Mimi)
MIMI: Oh! __ oh, oh gracious!
MINNIE: (to Curly) Where''s MY boyfriend?
CURLY: They had to work, but I sneaked out.
MINNIE: Aw, gee __ you gotta get me a fella. Will you be my boyfriend?
CURLY: Hhmm! (Minnie pushes Curly to the floor)
MINNIE: Do you like the way I play? We can have alot of fun together.
CURLY: Woob-woob-woob-woob!
MAMIE: Curly, why don''t you call up your pals, maybe they can sneak out.
MINNIE: Yeah, get me a boyfriend!
CURLY: Alright Hercules, I''ll call. Where''s the phone?
MAMIE: Right here.
CURLY: (dials phone) Hello? Yes __ yes __ yes, yes __
MAMIE: You got ''em?
CURLY: The line''s busy.
MAMIE: __ busy?
CURLY: Yeah, I''m talking!

SCENE 7 (Fireman''s Quarters)

(Moe and Larry are relaxing on a bed when the phone begins to ring)
MOE: Hey, hey � HEY! Don''t you hear that bell?
LARRY: What?!
MOE: Are you gonna start that again? (slap!)
LARRY: It''s a fire!
MOE: It''s the phone! (slap!) Get outa here! Hello�
CURLY: Hello, Moe? You better come right over, you''re missing one of the biggest things of your life.
MOE: We''ll be right over __ (Captain enters room) the next time we''re off duty __ hiya Cap''n. I said we can''t come over.

SCENE 8 (Mamie''s Apartment)

CURLY: Oh, a coward, huh? (Moe eye-pokes the telephone) Oh! __ Oh! Hhmm!
MAMIE: Well, what''d they say?
CURLY: They can''t come.
MINNIE: Aw gee, won''t you be my boyfriend? You''ll like me after we get acquainted, I grow on people.
CURLY: So do warts!
MINNIE: Oh __ (begins chasing Curly)

Scene 9 (Fireman''s Quarters)

LARRY: The old man''s gone, I''m going anyhow. (starts to slide down pole, Moe pulls him back up by the hair) Ow!!
MOE: You ain''t going anywhere! (begins leading Larry around by the hair)
LARRY: Wait a minute __ lemme explain to you.

SCENE 10 (Janitors Closet)

(Moe leads Larry to the closet)
MOE: Get in there, go on! (locks door) Now, so I don''t get tempted, I''m gonna stay in here with you.
LARRY: What''s the idea __ gimme that key!
MOE: You really want it?
LARRY: Yeah __ (Moe pokes Larry in the eye with key) Ooh!! Oh, a wise guy! � (tries to take key away from Moe, key falls into the sink)
MOE: I got a good mind to make you go down that pipe after it.
LARRY: How would I get in there?
MOE: How? __ (shoves Larry into the sink head first)
LARRY Wait __ ow, my head!

SCENE 11 (Mamie''s Apartment)

MINNIE: Come on Pudgy, you be my fella! (begins tickling Curly)
CURLY: Stop, cut it out, cut it out! (accidentally knocks cake out the window) The birthday cake! Woob-woob-woob-woob!
MAMIE: Oh, my cake! (Curly and the girls run down several flights of stairs to the street)

SCENE 12 (Street)

(Curly catches the cake before it hits the ground)
CURLY: Look, it got it!
MINNIE: Oh, isn''t that cute? Do it again. (Curly unknowingly catches the hot water bottle on the bumper of a moving truck) Oh, dear!
MAMIE: Stop the van!
CURLY: Woob-woob-woob-woob! (bottle snaps and Curly falls face-first into the cake)
MAMIE: Oh, Pudgy __ you look funny!
MINNIE: He does not! I like him frosting and all!

SCENE 13 (Janitors Closet)

MOE: (peering into sink) Hey, did you find it?
LARRY: Not yet.
MOE: Well, come on up outa there. (Larry crawls from underneath sink)

SCENE 14 (Street)

MINNIE: I want a boyfriend.
CURLY: I told you, I can''t get you anybody. (notices nearby fire alarm) Oh! __ if this don''t get one, nothing will. (trips alarm) They oughta be here any minute, now.
MINNIE: Oh, goodie-goodie! I''m gonna get a fella!

SCENE 15 (Firehouse/Janitors Closet)

FIREMAN: Phoenix and Central __
CAPTAIN: Where are those three missing links?
MOE: We gotta get outa here!
CAPTAIN: Hey, you stallers!
MOE: (trying to open door) Gimme a hand! (Larry pushes Moe''s head into the door) I think I better give YOU a hand! (bonk!) Get out, I''ll murder you in a minute!
CAPTAIN: Ah, come on, let''s roll. (fire truck leaves)
MOE: Ready __ heave ho! (they crash the door down sliding across the floor and down the pole) Aah! (Moe sits up) Whew!
LARRY: (Larry''s head is caught under his coat) Moe, where am I? Help me! Aah-hah-ha __
MOE: Come up out of there! (pulls Larry''s head up) Come on, you! Why don''t you cut out playing hide-and-seek with me?
LARRY: Hey, they''ve gone without us again!
MOE: Come on, we''ll get in the Captain''s car, come on! We gotta save our jobs, come on! (they get in the car __ the car won''t start) Is there any gas in the tank?
LARRY: The arrow points halfway, I don''t know if it''s half- empty or half-full.
MOE: Yeah well __ see that?
LARRY: What? __ (Moe twists Larry''s neck) Oh! __ Why, the switch is off! (they race from the firehouse)

SCENE 16 (Street)

MOE: I don''t give this new car so much.
LARRY: Yeah, you better take a shortcut if you want to beat the Cap''n. (They pull up next to Curly and the girls)
CURLY: (rubbing his hands together) Ha-ha-ha-ha __
MOE: Where''s the fire!
CURLY: (pointing at Minnie) Right here! She''s already got me burnt up!
MINNIE: Oh, is this my boyfriend? (grabs Moe) And he''s got a car! Come on girls, let''s go places and eat things!
MOE: Turn me loose!
CURLY: I got you out, didn''t I?
MOE: No fire, eh?
CURLY: No __
MOE: See that? (holds out fist)
CURLY: We ain''t got time, here comes the Cap''n!
MOE: Captain?! __ come on, we gota beat him back to the firehouse!
CURLY: No problem, take your time, there''s plenty of room for everybody. (they pile into the car and speed off)
MINNIE: Whee! Ha-ha-ha-ha __
MOE: (to Curly) Why don''t you sit still?
CURLY: I lost my cigar.
MOE: Well, forget about your cigar.
CURLY: I can''t, it''s lit!
MINNIE: Oh! __
MIMI: Oh! __
LARRY: Wait a minute __ it must be under me __ what is that?
MIMI: (tickling Curly) Tickie-tickie-tickie-tick!
CURLY: Cut it out, cut it out, now!
MOE: Come on __
MIMI: (covers Curly''s eyes) Guess who this is?
CURLY: Wait a minute, don''t tell me, I''ll get it in a minute. (car drives crazily, Moe tries to take the wheel) Why don''t you mind your own business?
MOE: This IS my business! (poke!)
CURLY: Oh! __ oh!
MOE: (car drives crazily) Aaah!! (Curly and Moe let go of the wheel)
CURLY: __ well, if you wanna be ignorant __ (they both grab the wheel at the same time) Give me the wheel, will ya?
MOE: Are you gonna drive, or am I gonna drive?
CURLY: Alright, you drive, go ahead. (lets go of wheel) __ that''s enough, now I''ll take it.
MOE: He''ll have us all killed in a minute __ get on that wheel! (car narrowly avoids hitting a motorist and crashes into a large streetlamp, throwing Moe to the sidewalk)
PEDESTRIAN: Are ya all right?
MOE: Yeah __ no, NO! Take a look at that car, I should''ve been killed! (noises from trunk)
PEDESTRIAN: Hey, what was that?
MOE: That''s the other five people who were with me, but I can''t find them. (Moe moves to the trunk and knocks)
CURLY: Come in __ (Moe opens trunk) I''m sorry, there''s no more room.
MOE: Come on! Get out! (pulls Curly from the trunk)
CURLY: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Women and children first!
MOE: (to pedestrian) Gimme a hand there, will ya?
CURLY: Woob-woob-woob-woob!
PEDESTRIAN: (grabs Minnie) Come on, lady.
MOE: Help me with this midget, will ya?
MAMIE: Get me out of here! Oh!
MOE: Take it easy.
MIMI: Let me out!
MINNIE: Come on girls, I don''t like firemen.
CURLY: Neither do I. (Minnie slaps Curly) Hhmm! (Curly slaps Minnie, she returns the slap) Hhmm!! (they trade slaps again) Hhhhmmm!!! (holds out fist) See that? (She slaps fist and Curly bonks himself on the head) Oh! (the girls leave) I guess I told you!
MOE: (holding out fist) See that?! (Curly grabs his fist and sticks out his tongue __ Moe bonks Curly with his free hand)
CURLY: Oooh!
MOE: Come on, we gotta get that car straightened out! Come on, back ''er out. Alright, hold it now while I get around. (adjusts steering wheel) That''s that __ now come on, get ''er out into the street, push, come on, push! (the car''s switch is still on and it speeds off by itself)
CURLY: It''s haunted! Woob-woob-woob-woob! (car crashes into the firehouse chasing everyone outside, then speeds away again)
CAPTAIN: That''s my car!
LARRY: Here it comes! (car drives into the back of a moving van, the boys close the tailgate)
CURLY: We caught it!
LARRY: Yeah __ woah!! (car backfires)
CURLY: The Cap''n!! (Captain chases after them in a fire truck)
MOE: Come on, let''s go! � quick!!
CURLY: Woob-woob-woob-woob! (they speed off in the moving van with the fire truck chasing them)

THE END