HE COOKED HIS GOOSE (1952)

Transcribed By: xraffle
Date Added: 2009-01-12
[The short opens up in Millie’s apartment. Her small dog barks in excitement as she walks in with her bag of golf clubs]

MILLIE: [to the dog] Hi Shorty. Did you miss me? Huh? Go on!

[Millie puts down her golf clubs]

MILLIE: I’m tired and I’m hungry too. [walks up to the table that has a plate full of marshmallow balls] These look so good. [The dog barks] Doggies don’t get cookies either. [Takes a marshmallow ball and eats it] Mmmm!

[Larry sneaks into the apartment through the front door. He has flowers in his hand and is hiding them behind his back. He sees Millie eating marshmallows, so he sneaks up behind her]

LARRY: Surprise!!

MILLIE: [gets startled and sees Larry] You again!

LARRY: In person, Millie my little dilly. And I brought you some flowers. [gives the flowers to Millie]

MILLIE: [in an annoyed manner] Thank you. [takes the flowers]

LARRY: Don’t mind if I do. [takes the plate full of marshmallow balls and eats one]

[Millie looks annoyed. She walks to the other side of the room to put the flowers in the vase]

LARRY: Hey Millie. How ‘bout having dinner with me tonight?

MILLIE: I have a date with Shemp. You know we’re engaged.

LARRY: [looks annoyed. He starts to get an idea in his head.] You’re a sucker Millie. You know he’s not true to you. He’s a play boy.

MILLIE: I don’t believe you.

LARRY: Nevertheless, it’s a fact. [Larry tries to grab another marshmallow ball, but instead he grabs a golf ball from the small tray of golf balls] You’re too good for that chiseler. [Larry bites the golf ball thinking it’s a marshmallow] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

[Larry realizes it’s a golf ball so he throws it in anger. It hits the wall and bounces back onto Larry’s head]

MILLIE: Serves you right for lying about my Shemp.

LARRY: Yeah, someday you’ll catch that two-timer red-handed and you’ll know I wasn’t lying. Goodbye.

MILLIE: Goodbye!

[Larry walks away, steps on the golf ball and falls. Larry gets up and opens the front door]

LARRY: [in an angry manner] Goodbye. [bumps into the door] Oh!!

[Larry leaves]

[While Millie isn’t looking, a hand sticks out of the window and steals the flowers from the vase. Millie doesn’t see it because she’s busy putting her golf clubs away. Shemp enters the apartment through the front door. He has flowers in his hand and is hiding them behind his back. He removes his hat, places it on the chair, and sneaks up behind Millie]

SHEMP: Ha-boo!!

MILLIE: [turns around and sees Shemp] Oh, Shemp darling!

SHEMP: [hands the flowers to Millie] Flowers for the fair!

MILLIE: [takes the flowers] Oh, where ever did you get the money to buy such a beautiful bouquet?!

SHEMP: Oh, think nothing of it. It was practically, uh, steal. [looks off-camera]

[Millie starts pouring water in a vase]

MILLIE: Oh, Shemp. Larry was just here again.

SHEMP: Oh, if he don’t stop annoying you, I’ll punch him in the nose. [punches his fist] I’ll black his eye. [punches his fist again] I’ll give him---

[Shemp accidentally punches himself in the mouth.]

SHEMP: Oh!! [spits out a couple of his teeth] Was that my gums?

MILLIE: [gives the vase of flowers to Shemp] Shemp, be a darling and put these over on the table while I change my clothes.

SHEMP: [takes the vase] Certainly, my sweetheart.

[As Shemp walks towards the table, the dog barks at him. When Shemp looks down, he sees a ball in front of the dog]

SHEMP: Ah! Ok, Shorty, I’ll throw the ball for ya.

[When Shemp bends down to pick up the ball, all the water from the vase spills on the dog]

SHEMP: Oh, I got you all wet, didn’t I? Well, I’ll fix you up. Come up here, Shorty boy. [picks the dog up and starts wiping it with his hands] Aw, don’t you worry. We’ll get you dry. [thinks] Oh yes. [puts the dog down on the table] Stay right there now, Shorty boy.

[Shemp continues to wipe the dog with his hands trying to get it dry.]

SHEMP: [thinks] Wait, will ya now. Oh, this way!

[Shemp wipes his hand on the dog and squeezes its tail. Water squirts out of the tail]

SHEMP: That a good boy, now Shorty. I’ll have ya dry in a minute. I’ll have ya dry in a minute, boy.

[Shemp wipes his hand on the dog and squeezes its tail. Water squirts out of the tail]

SHEMP: Ah! That’s the boy! Just--- [the dog almost slips on the table] Oh, hold it there boy. I’ll have you gone in a minute.

[Shemp wipes his hand on the dog and squeezes its tail. Water squirts out of the tail]

SHEMP: Oh, you’re still wet, ain’t ya? [picks the dog up] Well I’ll fix ya up. Come over here, boy.

[Millie walks in]

SHEMP: There we are!

[Shemp wrings the dog to get it dry. Millie stands there by the door and laughs]

SHEMP: [puts the dog down on the table] Now, there ya are!

[Millie walks up to Shemp and she sees the wet dog]

MILLIE: [to the dog] Well baby! Oh. Well, what---

[Millie gives Shemp a look as the scene ends]

[A new scene begins at Larry’s pet shop. Outside it says “Larry’s Pet Shop- Pet Supplies”]

[Dissolve to Larry’s office. Larry is smoking a big cigar and is reading something. He buzzes in his secretary. His secretary, Miss Lapdale, walks into the office]

LARRY: Good morning Miss Lapdale!

LAPDALE: Good morning Mr. Larry.

LARRY: Uh, take a letter, Miss Lapdale.

LAPDALE: Yes, Mr. Larry.

[Miss Lapdale walks up to Larry, sits on his lap, and gets her pen and pad ready]

LAPDALE: I’m ready.

LARRY: To my Siamese representative. Mr. R. Me. Dear Me. Uh--- I uh--- I--- [looks at Miss Lapdale] Aye-aye-aye-aye-aye [hugs Miss Lapdale]

[Larry and Miss Lapdale giggle as Moe walks in. Moe puts his hat down in the chair. He walks up to Larry. He pulls Miss Lapdale off of him. He grabs Larry by the hair]

LARRY: Hey! Wait a minute!

[Moe slaps Larry in the face and then on the head]

MOE: Trying to steal my wife away from me, eh! [hits Larry in the stomach and then bonks him on the head]

MOE: I’ll tear ya apart, ya philandering porcupine.

[Moe grabs Larry’s nose]

MOE: You keep away from my wife or I’ll tear this cucumber off and shove it down your throat. [with his hand still grabbing Larry’s nose, he hits it with his other hand]

LARRY: Ah!! Wait a minute. I never saw your wife.

MOE: Oh yeah! I found this in my wife’s purse.

[Moe shows a card that has Larry’s picture on it and says: “Merry Xmas- Your Pet Man…Larry”]

LARRY: Oh that! That’s my Christmas ad. I give it to all my customers. [takes a bunch of the exact same cards out of his pocket and shows them to Moe]

LARRY: [secretly shows a sign of relief] I never saw your wife. I’m engaged to three beautiful girls. Ask my secretary.

MOE: Oh well I--- I just----

LARRY: Oh take it easy, will ya pal. Here. Sit down and calm yourself. [Larry takes a chair and puts it right beside the desk]

MOE: Thanks very much.

[Thinking the chair is behind him, Moe sits down and falls on the floor]

MOE: Ah!!

LARRY: Oh. I’m sorry. [helps Moe get up] Wait a minute now. Take it easy. How ‘bout a cigar?

MOE: I don’t smoke.

LARRY: Well get something to calm yourself. You want a drink?

MOE: I don’t drink. [grabs the box of birdseeds on Larry’s desk] But I’ll have a little birdseed if you don’t mind. It always clams my nerves. [takes some birdseeds out of the box]

[Larry takes a handkerchief out of his pocket and wipes his head]

[Moe eats some birdseeds and starts chirping like a bird]

[Larry suddenly gets an idea in head, so he approaches Moe]

LARRY: Say. I used to be a private detective and as a favor to you, I’ll try to find this chiseler who’s trying to steal your Belle.

MOE: Belle!!!! [grabs Larry by the neck with both hands] How did you know her name was Belle??

LARRY: [frees himself from Moe] Wait! You know. All women are belles. Like belle of the ball.

MOE: [calms down] Oh I’m sorry pal. I’m too impetuous and jealous, I guess.

[Larry puts his hand on his face and gets a worried look. He gets another idea]

LARRY: That’s alright. I’ll try to find this chiseler. And when I find him, I’ll let you know. And when you get your hands on him, give him this [slaps Moe in the face] and that [slaps Moe in the head] and this [eyepokes Moe] and this [hits Moe in the stomach] and this [bonks Moe in the head] and this [grabs Moe’s nose and hits it]

MOE: [looks happy] Oh thanks. You’re certainly a pal. [shakes hands with Larry]

LARRY: It’s alright. And when you find him, give him this. [kicks Moe]

MOE: Oh oh oh! [runs into the door.]

[Moe hits his head when he runs into the door. We hear a cuckoo sound as Moe looks unconscious. An unconscious Moe still manages to open the door and walk out]

LARRY: [looks relieved] Whew! What a narrow escape. He suspects Belle and I. [sits down at his desk] I gotta find myself a fall guy before he gets wise. [grabs his cigar and smokes it]

[An angry Shemp walks in and sees Larry.]

LARRY: [sees Shemp and says to himself] My fall guy!

[Shemp walks up to Larry]

LARRY: Hi ya Shemp!

SHEMP: I want you to stay away from Millie, you fuzzy-top Casanova. She’s my girl! Remember that! [points his finger at Larry]

[Larry bites Shemp’s finger]

SHEMP: Ow!!

[Larry gets an idea in his head]

SHEMP: Ow! Why---

[Shemp gets ready to attack Larry, but Larry stops him]

LARRY: Don’t get excited Shemp. I’m only playing up to Millie to get her dad’s business. And furthermore, I’m gonna do you a favor. I’m gonna get you a job.

SHEMP: Oh thanks!

LARRY: [opens his drawer and takes out a card] Here. Take this card to the Perfect Underwear Company. They need a salesman.

SHEMP: Oh, this’ll make my Christmas dandy.

LARRY: Oh, that’s alright. Anything for a pal. Oh, I forgot to feed Cedric.

[Larry takes some food and drops it into the water bowl where his pet clam is in]

SHEMP: What do you got in there?

LARRY: Why, that’s Cedric, the only trained clam in the world. Watch this.

SHEMP: A clam?

[Larry picks up the clam from the bowl]

LARRY: Yeah. [to the clam] Cedric, how many days in a week?

[The clam open and closes its shell 7 times]

SHEMP: [shocked] Marvelous!!

LARRY: You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Come here. [to the clam] Cedric, what do we do if we don’t like somebody?

[The clam starts squirting water in Shemp’s face]

SHEMP: Let me try that.

LARRY: Go ahead.

[Shemp takes the clam]

SHEMP: [to the clam] Now Cedric, what do we do when we don’t like somebody? [The clam squirts water in Shemp’s face] Listen you, I’ll get you in the chowder one day and look out, believe me---

[The clam squirts more water in Shemp’s face. Some of the water lands in Shemp’s mouth]

SHEMP: Salt water.

[The scene ends. A new scene begins inside Belle’s apartment. Moe is standing on a chair putting bulbs on the Christmas tree lights. Bells is standing next to him handing him the bulbs]

BELLE: [hands Moe a bulb] Here’s that last bulb.

MOE: I’ll get this in and then I’ll be finished.

BELLE: Oh, be careful, Moe dear. You might fall. [to herself] I hope.

MOE: Why Belle baby! The only one I’d ever fall for is you. Hahahaha!

[Moe puts in the last bulb and it starts sparking. Moe gets electrocuted]

MOE: Nyahhh Nyahhh Ahhhh Ohhhh Oh!!

[Moe falls down onto the floor and pulls the tree down as he falls. Moe is lying on the floor with the tree on top of him]

BELLE: Clumsy ox!

[Belle takes the tree off of Moe]

MOE: Ah! Ah!

[Moe has a Santa Claus beard on, so he takes it off. Moe has a bunch of Christmas lights stuck in his mouth. He tries to yank them out but can’t]

MOE: [as he tries to yank out the Christmas lights] Ah! Mmm mm mm mm!

[Moe unbuttons his shirt and opens it up. The Christmas lights are glowing through his stomach. Belle turns around and sees the lights]

MOE: Mmmm! Unnngg! Nnn nnn nnn!

BELLE: Oh Moe! What is the matter with you today!

MOE: Nnnn!

[Belle tries to yank the lights out of Moe’s mouth]

MOE: Ungggg!

[Belle slowly pulls the Christmas lights out of Moe’s mouth]

MOE: Ahh! Ahhhhhhh! [Belle finally pulls out all of the lights] Wow!! Oh thanks darling.

BELLE: Oh thanks nothing.

[Moe gets up and looks at his watch]

MOE: Say, you’d better finish the tree. I got an appointment. I’m late.

[Moe takes his jacket and puts it on without realizing that the hanger is still inside of it. The hook from the hanger is sticking out from the top of his jacket]

MOE: Ah! Kiss me goodbye darling.

[As Moe and Belle kiss, the hook on Moe’s jacket hooks onto the Christmas tree.]

MOE: Ah! I’ll see ya later. Oh my hat! [takes a few step and the Christmas tree falls on him] Nyah ah ah ah ah ah!!

BELLE: Oh! Clumsy idiot!!

[Dissolve to a new scene inside Belle’s apartment. The doorbell rings and Belle walks up to the door to answer it. When she opens the door, Shemp is standing out in the hall with a big suitcase in his hand.]

BELLE: Yes!

SHEMP: [removes his hat] Good day, ma’am. Larry Fine sent me in regard to some undergarments.

BELLE: Oh yes, he phoned me. Won’t you come in?

SHEMP: Oh thank you. Thank you. [walks into the apartment] You have a lovely place here. [puts the suitcase down on the chair and opens it]

BELLE: Thank you.

SHEMP: [takes out a striped shirt] Now here’s the latest creation from Gay Paree.

BELLE: My!! They’re rather cute! Would you mind modeling them for me?

SHEMP: Anything to make a dishonest dollar.

BELLE: Alright! You may go in there. [points to the room right beside Shemp]

SHEMP: Oh thank you very much. Thank you.

[Shemp walks into the room and leaves the door open. Belle is still standing there watching Shemp. Shemp puts the suitcase down in the other room and he removes his suit jacket. He’s just about to remove his pants when he sees Belle looking at him. Shemp does a double take]

SHEMP: Oh, excuse me. [closes the door]

[Cut to Larry talking on the phone in his office]

LARRY: [on the phone] But Millie! It’s true. You go to that address like I told you and you’ll find out what a two-timer Shemp really is.

MILLIE: Is he there now?

LARRY: Sure, he’s there with her right now. That a girl. Goodbye.

[Larry hangs up the phone]

LARRY: Hahahahaha. Oh, now to call Bell’s husband. [picks up the phone again]

[Larry dials fourteen numbers on the phone]

LARRY: [to himself] Whew! What a long prefix! [on the phone] Hello Moe! Well I found him.

[The scene ends and a new scene begins in Belle’s apartment. Belle is sitting down waiting for Shemp to change. Shemp walks out of the changing room wearing a striped shirt and checkered shorts with a tassel attached to each side]

SHEMP: Well here it is. [extends his left hand and poses as he walks back and forth to show Belle the undergarments he’s wearing]

[The doorbell rings]

BELLE: Oh, pardon me [gets up and answers the door]

[When Belle opens the door, Millie approaches Belle in an angry manner]

MILLIE: Well where is he? Where is that faithless Shemp?

[Shemp gets a scared look on his face when he hears Millie. Shemp trips over a long, black fur on the floor. The fur has a fake bear head attached on the end.]

BELLE: [to Millie] Who?

MILLIE: Don’t act so innocent, you’re not fooling me.

BELLE: Well just a moment.

[Shemp hides under the fur]

MILLIE: [walks into the apartment] I’m going to look for him myself. No use lying to me. Larry told me he was here with you.

SHEMP: [peeks from under the fur and says to himself] That double-crossing skunk!

BELLE: [to Millie] Do you know Larry?

MILLIE: Yes, and I suppose I’m gonna have to marry him after all.

BELLE: Over my dead body.

SHEMP: Mine too. [does a double take and covers himself with the fur]

MILLIE: What was that?

BELLE: Well, I---

[Moe walks into the apartment all furious. He has a gun in his hand. He takes off his hat and puts it in the chair]

MOE: I’ll murder him.

BELLE: Moe!

MOE: Where is he? I’ll murder him. I’ll tear him to pieces. That’s what I’ll---

[Moe walks around the apartment and trips over the fake bear head that’s attached to the fur Shemp is hiding under. When he trips, he falls on the floor and accidentally shoots his gun in the air. The gun shoots at a pot on top of the shelf. The pot falls and lands on Moe’s head and gets stuck]

MOE: Ohhhh!! Help! Help me out! Help!

[Belle and Millie walk up to Moe and try to get the pot off of Moe]

MOE: Help! Ow! Ow!

BELLE: Moe, shrink your head. Pull in your ears.

[As Millie and Belle continue to help get the pot off of Moe’s head, Shemp gets out from under the fur, he grabs his suitcase and goes up the chimney on the fireplace]

MOE: Ow! Help! Help me out! Help! Oh! Oh! Oh! [Belle and Millie finally slip the pot off of Moe’s head] Oh oh oh oh! Oh my nose! He’s in here someplace. [grabs his gun on the floor] I’ll find him. [stands by the fireplace] Where’d ya hide him? Which way did he go? [a hand sticks out of the fireplace and taps Moe. It points to Moe’s left] Thanks buddy!

[Moe is just about to run to his left, but he does a double take. He runs up to the fireplace, sticks his head in, and points his gun up]

MOE: Come down or I’ll shoot! [shoots up the chimney]

SHEMP: [still inside the chimney] Ohhhh!

MOE: I got him! [a brick falls on Moe’s head] Oh!

[Moe looks unconscious and we hear a cuckoo sound]

[Belle and Millie walk up to Moe and they try to revive him]

MOE: Oh! Oh my head!

[Shemp gets out from under the chimney and comes out of the fireplace. He’s dressed as Santa Claus]

SHEMP: Hello children! I’m a little early but I got a lot of runnin’ to do. Blitzen is in the kitchen and Prancer’s got the answers in his pantsers. A Merry Christmas! Hahahaha!

[Moe gets up and points his gun at Shemp]

MOE: Oh! You, eh?

SHEMP: No.

MOE: Take off that beard!

SHEMP: Ok, I’ll take it off. I’ll take--- [grabs a bellow by the fireplace] Why you!

[Shemp pumps a bunch of soot on Moe’s face]

SHEMP: Ohhh!! [runs away]

MOE: Oh my!!

SHEMP: Heeb eeb eeb eeb eeb eeb! [runs out of the room and into the hallway]

MOE: Get me a towel!

[Shemp runs into the janitor’s closet]

[Moe wipes his face and runs out to the hallway with the gun in his hand]

MOE: I’ll get you, you home wrecker! Where is he? [stands in the hallway to look for Shemp.] Where is he?

[Shemp opens the closet door and sees Moe who has his back facing him. He closes the door]

MOE: [hears the door close] That dirty rat! [turns around and runs] I’ll murder him.

[As Moe runs down the hallway, he passes by the janitor’s closet. As Moe passes by the closet, Shemp opens the door and it hits Moe.]

MOE: Oh!! [falls on the floor]

[Moe gets up and hears a cuckoo sound]

MOE: Eeeeh! [dances his way out of the hallway]

[The elevator door opens and Larry walks down the hallway. Shemp peaks out the janitor’s closet and sees Larry.]

[After Larry passes by the janitor’s closet, Shemp opens the door, whistles at Larry and then closes it]

LARRY: Huh? [turns around]

[Shemp sticks his finger out of the closet and signals to Larry to come over]

[Larry walks up to the janitor’s closet looking confused. As he walks up to it, Shemp slams the door on Larry’s face]

LARRY: Ooh!

[Shemp comes out with a pail and he hits Larry on the head with it. The pail falls on the floor. He pulls Larry into the closet, picks up the pail and closes the door]

[Moe walks back down the hallway again. A guy comes out from another room with a tray full of dishes. Moe bumps into him. They both fall on the floor and the dishes go everywhere. Moe gets up and kicks the guy in the rear]

MOE: That’s what you get for tripping me.

[Moe runs back into Belle’s apartment]

BELLE: [talking to Millie] I tell you. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

MOE: He must’ve come back in here. I’ll fill him full of holes.

BELLE: [grabs Moe’s gun] Give me that. You’ll shoot somebody.

MOE: [still hangs onto the gun] Turn me loose, I tell ya.

[As Belle and Moe fight for the gun, the gun accidentally fires and shoots Moe in the foot]

MOE: Ow ow ow ow ow ow! Ow ow ow!

[Shemp grabs Larry out of the janitor’s closet. Larry is now dressed in the Santa Claus outfit]

MOE: Ow ow ow ow ow ow! Ow ow ow!

[Shemp kicks Larry in the rear and Larry gets pushed into Belle’s apartment. Larry bumps heads with Moe.]

LARRY: Oh! Oh oh!

MOE: Oh, I got you at last, eh! Why--- [Shemp removes the Santa Clause beard off of Larry] You!!

LARRY: No!

MOE: You dirty rat!

[Larry runs out of the room and into the hallway. Moe runs after him]

LARRY: I didn’t do nothing.

BELLE: Moe!

[Moe shoots at Larry but he misses]

LARRY: Wait a minute. I---

[Moe shoots Larry in the rear]

BELLE: Moe! Come back! [tries to grab Moe to stop him]

[Moe shoots Larry in the rear again]

LARRY: Oh!

[Moe shoots Larry in the rear again]

MOE: [to Belle] Let me go! I got your boyfriend! I shot him right--- [accidentally shoots his foot] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

---THE END---