Lobby Cards: The Classic Comedies (The Michael Hawks Collection: Volume II)
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[ <- Transcripts List ] [ HOT STUFF (1956) ]
Transcribed By: xraffle
Date Added: 2009-05-16
[The short open up on a newspaper that reads: “Urania to have air supremacy. Professor Snead’s super rocket fuel nears completion. Will power world’s first aircraft.”]
RORK: [reading the newspaper] Urania to have air supremacy. Professor Snead’s super rocket fuel nears completion. Will power world’s first aircraft.
[The camera pans away.]
RORK: We must get this rocket fuel formula for our country by hook or crook.
ANEMIAN OFFICIAL: Right! Without aircraft supremacy, Anemia could never conquer Urania. You and Cluttz must visit this Professor Snead. Understand?
RORK: Yes, Excellency! I will make the necessary preparations.
[Rork salutes to the Anemian official and they shake hands. They make a circular motion back and forth as they shake hands. Rork salutes again and leaves]
ANEMIAN OFFICIAL: [rubs his hands together] And I will make necessary preparations.
[The Anemian official opens the globe on the desk and takes out a bottle of liquor. He pours some in a small glass and drinks it. Smoke comes out of his mouth. We hear the sound of a choo-choo train. The Anemian official starts reacting to the drink and his eyes open wide.]
ANEMIAN OFFICIAL: Heh! Eh! By golly, that’s good. Tastes like rotten eggs! Mmm.
[Dissolve to a hallway where the stooges enter wearing fake beards.]
MOE: [pulls down his beard] Boys, we gotta be careful and make sure nobody followed us.
LARRY: [pulls down his beard] Right!
[A woman walks by and as soon as she sees the stooges, she gets scared and walks away.]
MOE: Shemp! [pulls down his beard] That dame looked suspicious. You better follow her!
SHEMP: Right! [leaves and follows the woman]
[Moe and Larry walk up to a door across the hallway]
MOE: This is it!!
[The sign on the door reads: “Government of Urania. Department of Inferior.”]
MOE: [reading the sign] Government of Urania. Department of Inferior
[Cut to the inside of the office. Two female Uranian officers are working at their desk. Uranian officer #2 is making a rhythmic sound on her typewriter and the rhythm is completed by two knocks on the door.
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Come in.
[Moe and Larry enter and take off their hat and beards]
MOE: Operator number five! [salutes]
LARRY: Six and seven eights. [salutes and hits Moe by accident]
MOE: Oh!
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Good. I’ve been expecting you. Make yourselves at home.
MOE: Thank you. We will!
[Moe walks up to Uranian officer #1 and Larry walks up to Uranian officer #2.]
MOE: Pardon me. Hahahaha!
[Moe and Larry lift the Uranian officers from their chair and sit down so the officers can sit on their laps.]
URANIAN OFFICER #1: [startled] Oh!
MOE: Ready! Give!
[Moe and Larry give the Uranian officers a nice big kiss]
URANIAN OFFICER #2: She said make yourself at home, no obnoxious.
LARRY: Oh, quit kidding, toots. You know you love it. Give me another kiss.
[Uranian officer #2 grabs Larry’s face and bites his nose]
LARRY: Ahhhhhhhh! Ow!
[Uranian officer #1 and Moe stand up after they kiss]
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Ew! What a kisser!
MOE: Oh-ho. Glad you appreciate it.
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Yes, uh…let me see your hand.
MOE: Certainly. [sticks out his hand]
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Oh. Nice!
MOE: [flattered] Nahh!
[The Uranian officer places Moe’s hand under the stapler and staples his hand several times]
MOE: Oh oh oh oh! Ooooooooooh!
[Moe pulls the staples out of his hand with his teeth one by one]
MOE: Ah! Uh! Oooh! [spits out the staples] Pooh!
MOE: Ooooh! Hey that was mean! Come on, be nice. Give me another kiss.
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Uh, sure. Why not? You pooch and I’ll pucker.
MOE: Nyahh! [wipes his lips with his sleeve] Ruff! Hahaha! Hahahaha!
[Uranian officer #1 takes a paper needle from her desk and places it on the chair]
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Ready?
MOE: And how.
[Moe sits down on the needle and Uranian officer #1 sits on his lap]
MOE: [in pain] Oh oh oh!
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Oh, isn’t that fun?
MOE: Ohhhhh! [gets up. The needle is stuck in his rear]
MOE: Oh oh! Oh. You’re breaking my heart. Larry! Larry! Help me. Help. Larry, help me. Help me. Oh oh!
[Larry walks up to Moe]
LARRY: Wait a minute. I’ll get it. [tries to yank out the needle from Moe’s rear]
MOE: Oh oh oh! Oh!
LARRY: Wait, hold it still there!
[Larry yanks out the needle and he accidentally hits himself in the face]
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: [yells] Ohh Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
LARRY: Moe!
MOE: Oh.
LARRY: [shows the needle to Moe] It’s out!
MOE: [relieved] Oh.
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Next time, you’ll remember you came here on serious business.
LARRY: [salutes] Yes sir… [corrects himself] Ma’am.
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Now, you have been ordered to protect Professor Snead, the eminent scientist. You will work undercover.
MOE: Yes yes. We will work under covers.
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Neither he nor anyone else must know who you are. You will go to his new house and pretend you are carpet layers.
LARRY: Wait a minute! I can’t lay carpets.
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Why not?
LARRY: I’m not that rugged. Get it? Carpets, rugged! Hahahahahaha! Hahahahaha! Ahahaha! Hahaha! Ahahaha…
[Moe grabs a glass full of ink and pours it in Larry’s mouth while he laughs. Larry holds up his fist in anger. Moe punches Larry in the stomach. Larry spits the ink all over Moe]
MOE: Ooooop! Why you!! [grabs Larry’s nose and hits it four times]
LARRY: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
MOE: Now, listen you. We gotta find Shemp and get over to Professor Snead. Number seven.
LARRY: [grabs his ear] Seven!
MOE: Come on. [pulls Larry’s arm]
LARRY: Ohhhhh
[The scene ends and a new scene begins with an outside shot of a house. Nearby, three spies pop out from behind bushes and look at the house]
RORK: That’s Professor Sneed’s new house. I watched from here when he moved in yesterday. [looks through binoculars]
CLUTTZ: So, we have him cornered at last! By now, his super rocket fuel should be perfected, yes, Rork?
RORK: Yes… I think we can persuade him to give us the formula.
[Captain Rork looks through the binoculars again at the house and sees Larry standing in front of the window inside the house while smoking a pipe and looking upwards with a thoughtful look on his face]
RORK: Ah… there he is now. [hands binoculars to Cluttz] There’s no mistaking that magnificent head of hair!
[Cluttz looks through the binoculars at Larry]
[Inside the house, it turns out that the Stooges are carpet layers, and Moe and Shemp are in the middle of working. Larry takes the pipe out of his mouth and walks up to the actual Professor Sneed.]
LARRY: Hi ya, Professor. Got nothin’ to worry about. My men’ll have this job done in a couple of hours.
SNEED: Good.
[Moe overhears Larry saying “my men”, then he angrily walks over to Larry]
MOE: Who’s men?
LARRY: [nervously] Us men!
MOE: That’s better!
[Moe hits Larry’s head with a pair of scissors]
LARRY: Oh!
[Moe crunches Larry’s nose with the scissors]
MOE: Come on! Start cuttin’!
[Shemp puts several tacks in his mouth, then takes one tack out and hammers it into the carpet on the floor. He repeats this until he gets to the part of the carpet in front of the door. Suddenly, Professor Sneed’s daughter opens the door from the outside and accidentally hits Shemp’s head with the door, causing him to swallow the tacks in his mouth.]
SHEMP: [gags] I swallowed the tacks! [stands up and angrily raises carpet stretcher in hand] I’ll-- I’ll--
[Shemp looks at the attractive daughter and suddenly smiles]
SHEMP: I’ll be doggone!
DAUGHTER: Oh, I’m sorry!
[The daughter pats Shemp’s face and walks over to Professor Sneed]
DAUGHTER: Father, step into the laboratory. I’ve discovered something interesting.
SNEED: Just a moment, dear. [to Moe] I want you men to finish up as quickly as possible. My work, shall we say, is highly secret. Forget my name, forget you ever came here, is that clear?
MOE: You betcha! We won’t breathe a word.
SNEED: Good.
DAUGHTER: Thank you, boys. [smiles]
[Professor Sneed and the daughter walk away]
MOE: [looking at the daughter] Nnnnnn! Hee hee hee! [snaps teeth together]
[As Larry is cutting through the carpet, he smiles while staring at the daughter. Not looking at what he’s doing, he accidentally cuts right through the front of Moe’s shoe, crunching his toes.]
MOE: Yah-ahh!! Aaahh-aahh!! Ohhh!! Aaaaahhh! Ohhhh!!!
[Moe looks at what remains of his shoe and doesn’t see his toes sticking out of it]
MOE: My toes, they’re gone!! Ohh! Nnn-nnn-nnn!!
[Moe and Larry look at the cut-off part of Moe’s shoe for his toes, then Larry sees Moe’s toes tucked inside of what’s left of his shoe]
LARRY: Oh, there they are!
MOE: So they are!
[Moe hits Larry’s head with a hammer]
LARRY: Ooh!
[Moe hits Larry’s head with the hammer rapidly several more times, then whacks him in the nose with it]
[The daughter walks out the door and smiles at Shemp. Shemp tries to follow her, but she unintentionally closes the door right on his nose.]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh! Oh! Ohhhh!! [pops his nose out of the door] Ohh! Ohhhh…
[Moe walks away from Larry and goes over to Shemp]
MOE: Quit playin’ around! We gotta measure this joint! [hands Shemp one part of measuring tape] Take this tape over to the other wall. [pushes Shemp] Go onnnnn!
[Shemp walks a couple of feet away from Moe while holding one part of the measuring tape]
MOE: How many feet ya got?
[Shemp looks down and counts both of his feet]
SHEMP: Two!
MOE: You skillet-head! Gimme that tape!!
[Shemp lets go of his end of the measuring tape and it flings back right at Moe’s face and hits him, knocking him backwards into the door]
SHEMP: I’m sorry, Moe! You asked for it!
MOE: You asked for it, too! But… [smiles] we’ll forget it! Get to nailin’!
SHEMP: Yes, sir! Gladly!
[Shemp turns around and bends over. Moe quickly grabs the carpet on the floor that Shemp’s standing on and pulls it from under Shemp’s feet, sending Shemp crashing over a chair and into a shelf. At the same time, Moe accidentally slams backwards into the door due to the force of him pulling the rug.]
[Shemp struggles to pull off the hat that’s stuck over his face]
SHEMP: How did I get in this cellar here??
[Shemp finally pulls the hat off. A vase on the shelf behind him falls off and smashes on his head. He makes a dazed expression and passes out.]
[The scene dissolves back to the three spies hiding behind the bushes outside of Professor Sneed’s house]
CLUTTZ: [to Capt. Rork] When the professor comes out of the house, we’ll capture him. You will take him to Anemia. Leon and I will remain at the embassy.
RORK: Yes, colonel.
[The stooges leave Professor Sneed’s house]
DAUGHTER: Well, goodbye.
STOOGES: Goodbye!
[The daughter closes the door]
[In the nearby bushes, Captain Rork is watching the Stooges through binoculars]
RORK: Look! The professor has two assistants.
CLUTTZ: Good. We’ll take them, too.
[The Stooges walk past different piles of bushes]
MOE: We’ll grab a bite of lunch and hurry back. We mustn’t be gone too long.
[An arm reaches out from behind one pile of bushes and grabs Larry]
[Another arm reaches out from behind a second pile of bushes and grabs Moe]
[Shemp whistles, then he turns around and stops whistling when he sees that Moe and Larry are gone. Meanwhile, Captain Rork sneaks up behind Shemp with a gun]
SHEMP: [to Capt. Rork] Where’d those guys go that was here a few min--
[Captain Rork points his gun at Shemp’s face]
SHEMP: [gasps] Ohhho!
[Shemp turns around to run, but sees Leon standing there also pointing a gun at Shemp’s face]
SHEMP: Ohh!!
[Shemp pushes the gun out of Leon’s hand, then begins running away. Leon catches up to Shemp and tackles him to the ground by the legs.]
SHEMP: Let go! My leg, you’re breakin’ it!
[Leon and Rork begin dragging Shemp away by the feet]
SHEMP: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Moe, Larry!!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins with a shot of a plane flying in the air, then the camera dissolves to a train traveling on tracks, then dissolves to a jeep driving that Captain Rork and the Stooges are on. A graphic on the screen says “State of Anemia”.]
[A gate goes up and the jeep drives past it, then stops in front of a building]
RORK: Here we are, gentlemen.
[Captain Rork and the Stooges stand up in the jeep and begin to get out]
LARRY: [looking around] What a joint! [to Moe] Reminds me of the reform school.
[Moe kicks Larry in the behind, causing Larry to trip forward in the jeep]
MOE: Ohh! [helps Larry up] Did you stumble, professor? [squeezes Larry’s cheek hard]
LARRY: Ahh!
RORK: Anything wrong, professor?
LARRY: No, I’m alright.
[Larry steps one foot out the jeep, but his other foot gets caught inside the jeep and he almost falls over on the ground]
RORK: Guard!
[A guard walks up]
RORK: Uh, follow this soldier, gentlemen. He will lead you to the laboratory.
[Dissolve to a close-up of Moe in a laboratory, reading a book titled “Elementary Chemistry” with an astonished look on his face]
[Larry walks up next to Moe and pours a cup of chemicals down a funnel into a jug]
LARRY: [to Moe] Say, I beg your pardon. Do you have any idea what we’re doin’?
MOE: Now that you mention it… no!
[Larry does a double-take]
SHEMP: [to Moe] Why don’t you tell the General he ain’t Professor Sneed? He couldn’t invent the rocket fuel in a million years!
LARRY: I beg your pardon! I--
MOE: Wait a minute, you ignoramuses! If they find out we’re undercover men, they’ll go back and grab the real professor. We gotta make ‘em think we’re really mixing rocket fuel or they’ll shoot us.
[Shemp and Larry get scared]
MOE: Now we gotta fool them, savvy?
LARRY: You’re right. It’s our duty to posterior!
[The Stooges all do a double-take and Moe and Shemp look at Larry strangely. Larry nervously walks away. Moe continues reading his book while Shemp holds up a cup of chemicals.]
SHEMP: I wonder what this’ll do. [reads cup] “Pyrogallic Acid”.
[Shemp pours the acid through a funnel into a jug of chemicals. The chemicals suddenly start bubbling.]
SHEMP: Say… that acts mighty powerful!
MOE: Yeah. If they put that in an airplane, something’s bound to happen! Get some more stuff!!
SHEMP: Ok, ok!
[Shemp leans up on a shelf and reaches for a jug. As he grabs it, another jug next to it falls and smashes on Shemp’s head, knocking him dizzy.]
SHEMP: How’d that mule get in here?!
[Shemp dazedly staggers over next to Moe, who’s asleep while holding his head up with his arm. Shemp places a funnel in Moe’s sleeve, then takes the jar of chemicals and pours it down the funnel into Moe’s sleeve. Moe wakes up and slowly looks over and sees what Shemp is doing.]
MOE: Nyaaah-aaah-aaah-ohhh!!! [stands up] You don’t know my sleeve from a jug, you jughead!
[Moe slaps Shemp’s head, causing Shemp to accidentally knock over a jug of chemicals. The chemicals spill on the table and cause a fire.]
MOE: Hey! It’s burnin’ the wood! Put it out, somebody! Larry, Larry, put the fire out!
[Larry grabs a fire extinguisher and rushes to the table]
SHEMP: Larry, come on!!
[Larry aims the extinguisher at the fire and sprays at it, but accidentally gets Moe’s face wet instead]
MOE: You-- [looks at jug] Hey! It’s strong enough! Let’s cork it!
SHEMP: [holds up cork] Here’s the cork.
MOE: Ok, kid. [puts cork in jug] Ah!
[The cork suddenly pops out of the jar and lands off-camera]
RORK: [off-camera] Ooowwwww!!!
[Moe and Shemp look off-camera in shock]
[The camera cuts over to Captain Rork with the cork over his eye. He angrily pulls the cork out and slowly walks over to the Stooges.]
MOE: Top o’ the mornin’ to ya, Captain!
SHEMP: And the rest of the day for myself!
LARRY: Ah, but there’s good news today!
RORK: Yes, you have the… super rocket fuel?
MOE: You said it! With that stuff, a plane can go 1400 miles an hour.
SHEMP: In low gear!
[Moe slaps Shemp, then motions for him to shush]
RORK: Splendid! Splendid! I congratulate you, professor! [shakes Larry’s hand]
LARRY: Oh, think nothin’ of it.
[The General enters the lab with an angry look on his face]
RORK: You should give me the formula.
MOE: Oh, yes, the formula. Why… sure, sure. [to Larry] Tell him, professor.
LARRY: Oh, yeah, y-- [to Shemp] Tell him!
SHEMP: Me?! [to Rork] Well, uh… first you put in a half a pint of… Ectahoosis.
RORK: Ecatahoosis? [begins writing down on pad]
LARRY: [stops Capt. Rork] No, no… Ectawhatsis!
RORK: Whatsis! [writes down]
MOE: Uh… [clears throat] And four grams of Alkabob.
RORK: [writes down] Ah, so!
MOE: Then you pour in the Shiskabob!
RORK: Shishkabob… [writes down]
MOE: Then you fold in a jigger of… uh… Sascraphonia.
RORK: Ah! [writes down]
[The General watches as Rork writes the “formula” down]
LARRY: [to Rork] Say, did I give you carbolic acid? I’d love to!
SHEMP: Put down a squirt of Haratang…
[Meanwhile, the General opens the door and signals for somebody off-camera to come in]
SHEMP: Spelled sideways, it’s, uh… Aharagtn [clicks tongue several times]!!
RORK: H-How you spell this, uh… [clicks tongue several times]...
SHEMP: That’s right, put it down!
[Captain Rork does a double-take, then reluctantly begins writing down]
RORK: Yeah… [looks strangely at Shemp]
SHEMP: [looks off-camera] Hiya!
[The camera cuts to the General, Cluttz, and Leon bringing Professor Sneed and his daughter in the lab]
STOOGES: Nyaaahh!!!
[The Stooges run towards the open window in the lab, but Cluttz presses a button on the wall next to him, causing bars to drop in between the open window. The Stooges end up banging their heads on it.]
STOOGES: Oh!!
[Leon walks up to the Stooges and points a gun at Larry. Captain Rork walks up to Cluttz]
RORK: Colonel, what does this mean??
CLUTTZ: It means you have captured three imposters, you dunderhead! [looks at Prof. Sneed] This is Professor Sneed.
GENERAL: Yes, and unless you give us that formula at once, you, your daughter, and your friends… all will be shot!
[The daughter puts her arm around Professor Sneed]
SNEED: I’m sorry, but… I’m afraid I can’t help you.
DAUGHTER: You see, General, my father has a very poor memory.
SHEMP: [searches around pockets] I’ve got a little booklet here - “How to Train Your Memory in Five Easy Lessons”!
MOE: [to Leon] Pardon me…
[Moe grabs Leon’s gun away and hits Shemp’s head with it]
SHEMP: Ooh!
MOE: Quiet! [gives gun back to Leon] Thank you.
[Leon points the gun right in front of Moe’s face]
MOE: Don’t point!
[Moe pushes Leon’s hand away from his face, causing Leon to unintentionally point the gun in front of Larry’s face]
LARRY: Nyuh! [pushes Leon’s arm down]
GENERAL: [to Prof. Sneed] Perhaps a night in the dungeon will refresh your memory. [to Cluttz] Take them away!
CLUTTZ: [to Prof. Sneed and Daughter] March… March!!
[Professor Sneed and his daughter begin walking away]
[The scene ends and a new scene begins with the Stooges alone in the lab nervously walking around in circles. Shemp stick out both of his arms this time and manages to avoid hitting Moe and Larry until he accidentally slaps Moe when Moe walks past him.]
SHEMP: What is it here?
MOE: What’s the matta with you?! [gives Shemp double-handed slap]
SHEMP: Alright… both hands were out that time.
LARRY: [passing by] Beep beep!
SHEMP: Beep!
[On the floor below the Stooges, Professor Sneed and his daughter are in a jail cell. They both look up at the ceiling and can hear the Stooges’ footsteps.]
[Cut back to the floor above where the stooges are still walking around]
SHEMP: Heep eep eep!
MOE: I don’t know what to do or how to get out of this thing.
[The stooges stop walking]
MOE: Look boys. We gotta get the keys to the cell below from this guy and release the professor. Now look, we’ll straighten the whole thing out, right? Shemp! Guard the door! [points to the door]
SHEMP: [walks towards the door] Heep eep eep eep eep eep!
LARRY: [to Moe] Routine number six.
MOE: Ok.
[Rork enters and slams the door in Shemp’s face. Rork brings in a table full of food.]
RORK: I personally brought you your last meal before you are shot.
[Moe and Larry begin to look frightened]
RORK: Hehehe! Eat hearty! Pigs feet smothered in lubricating oil. Raw potatoes boiled in pure varnish. Hehehe! And headcheese garnished with nails. Rusty nails! Hehehe! Hahahaha!
[Rork begins laughing hysterically. Larry grabs the pepper shaker from the table. Larry removes the cover, pours the pepper into his hand, and blows it on Rork’s face]
[Rork begins sneezing. As he does so, Moe grabs a glass bottle and attempts to hit Rork on the head with it, but he misses and hits Larry instead. When Rork begins sneezing again, Moe takes a stick. As soon as he brings the stick back to hit Rork, he accidentally hits Larry in the head]
LARRY: Oh!
[Moe hits Rork on the head with it twice and he becomes unconscious. Moe grabs the keys.]
MOE: Shemp! Come on! Let’s get him in that trunk.
[Shemp walks up to Moe and Larry and helps them carry Rork to the trunk]
MOE: Up you go!
[Dissolve to Moe holding up the keys]
MOE: Now, these are the keys to the cell below. We gotta get down there somehow.
LARRY: Yeah, but there’s a guard outside. [gets an idea] I got it! That rocket fuel we made. It burned a hole in the table. It’ll burn a hole in the floor.
MOE: Right.
[Larry walks off-camera]
MOE: [to Shemp] You know, he’s the most intelligent imbecile I ever saw.
SHEMP: Hey! How about me?!
MOE: Oh, you’re much smarter - you’re just an imbecile!
[Larry returns with the jug of the “rocket fuel”]
LARRY: Here it is, fellas.
MOE: Get busy and make that hole. We’ll watch the door. [to Shemp] Come on.
[Moe and Shemp walk over to the door as Larry begins pouring the “rocket fuel” in a circle on the floor around him. Moe and Shemp keep looking back at Larry every few seconds. After Larry is finished, smoke begins to rise from the floor around him due to the “rocket fuel”. After a few seconds, the floor under Larry crashes and Larry falls though and lands in Professor Sneed and the daughter’s jail cell below.]
LARRY: Oohhhh!!
DAUGHTER: Oh!
[Professor Sneed and the daughter help Larry up]
[Moe and Shemp walk over to the hole in the floor and look through]
DAUGHTER: [to Larry] Are you alright??
[Moe tries to slowly climb down the hole, but he slips and falls down]
MOE: Whooaaa!!
[Moe lands right in front of Larry in the cell and knocks him down]
[Back upstairs, the General and Cluttz enter the lab right as Shemp is trying to climb down the hole]
GENERAL: Seize him!!
[The General and Cluttz grab Shemp’s upper body and try to pull him back up the hole]
SHEMP: Whoa!
[Moe and Larry try to grab Shemp’s legs as his upper body is being pulled by the General and Cluttz]
SHEMP: Ngoooo!!
[Moe and Larry pull on Shemp’s legs so hard that they manage to stretch his legs down several feet]
SHEMP: Ohh!!
[The General and Cluttz pull harder on Shemp’s hair]
SHEMP: Oohh!
[Moe angrily begins twisting Shemp’s foot around in circles]
MOE: Nnnngh!!
[The General and Cluttz manage to stretch Shemp’s neck upwards several feet as if it’s rubber]
SHEMP: [in raspy voice] You’re killing me!!
[Moe grabs Shemp’s foot again and angrily grumbles]
SHEMP: [to General and Cluttz] Wait!! You’re killin’ me!! I’ll give up!! Let go!!
[The General and Cluttz release Shemp and he drops into the hole. The General and Cluttz look down into the hole and Shemp reaches up and punches both of them in the face.]
GENERAL: Oohh! Dohhh!!
[Professor Sneed, the daughter, and the Stooges exit the jail cell just as the guard from before and Leon rush towards them]
[The Stooges burst the jail cell back open, causing the guard and Leon to get their heads caught in between the cell bars]
GUARD AND LEON: Ohhh!!
[Professor Sneed, the daughter, Moe, and Larry make their escape and leave the building]
GUARD: Let me out!
LEON: Call the guard!
GUARD: Don’t let ‘em go!
LEON: Call the guard!!
GUARD: Come back here!
[Shemp is about to leave with the rest of the group, but he returns to the cell and picks up the jug of “rocket fuel”]
GUARD: Stop it!
LEON: Halt!
GUARD: Help!
LEON: Halt!
GUARD: Heeellp!
[Shemp exits the cell and closes the cell door with the guard and Leon’s heads still stuck in between the bars]
GUARD: Help!!
SHEMP: What’s the guard’s name?!
[Shemp kicks the guard and Leon in the behind, then escapes from the building]
GUARD AND LEON: Help!!!
[Outside the building, Professor Sneed, the daughter, Moe, and Larry rush down the stairs and head towards the jeep]
LARRY: Quick, get in the jeep!
MOE: We’ll make a dash for it!
[They enter the jeep and Moe sits at the steering wheel]
LARRY: Alright, start ‘er up!
[Moe steps on the pedal, but the jeep won’t start. He looks at the meter and realizes there’s no gas.]
MOE: It’s empty! We’re cooked!
[Shemp runs down the stairs to the building]
SHEMP: Oh, no we ain’t! I got the stuff!! I got the stuff!!
[Shemp is about to pour the jug of “rocket fuel” into the gas tank of the jeep]
LARRY: Hey, wait a minute! That ain’t gas!
SHEMP: It may not be gas, but it packs an awful wallop! [pours “fuel” in gas tank]
MOE: Ha ha haaaa! [pats Shemp’s head]
[The General, Cluttz, and several soldiers run down the stairs to the building]
GENERAL: Stop them! Shoot!
SHEMP: Whoa!! [throws jug of “rocket fuel” away]
LARRY: Aaaah! Come on! Come on!
[Shemp enters the jeep as the soldiers begin shooting at them]
[Moe steps on the pedal and the exhaust pipe of the jeep explodes right in front of the General, Cluttz, and the soldiers, leaving them in nothing but their long johns]
[The jeep quickly takes off down the street as the exhaust pipe continues blowing out lots of smoke and explosion sparks]
--THE END--
RORK: [reading the newspaper] Urania to have air supremacy. Professor Snead’s super rocket fuel nears completion. Will power world’s first aircraft.
[The camera pans away.]
RORK: We must get this rocket fuel formula for our country by hook or crook.
ANEMIAN OFFICIAL: Right! Without aircraft supremacy, Anemia could never conquer Urania. You and Cluttz must visit this Professor Snead. Understand?
RORK: Yes, Excellency! I will make the necessary preparations.
[Rork salutes to the Anemian official and they shake hands. They make a circular motion back and forth as they shake hands. Rork salutes again and leaves]
ANEMIAN OFFICIAL: [rubs his hands together] And I will make necessary preparations.
[The Anemian official opens the globe on the desk and takes out a bottle of liquor. He pours some in a small glass and drinks it. Smoke comes out of his mouth. We hear the sound of a choo-choo train. The Anemian official starts reacting to the drink and his eyes open wide.]
ANEMIAN OFFICIAL: Heh! Eh! By golly, that’s good. Tastes like rotten eggs! Mmm.
[Dissolve to a hallway where the stooges enter wearing fake beards.]
MOE: [pulls down his beard] Boys, we gotta be careful and make sure nobody followed us.
LARRY: [pulls down his beard] Right!
[A woman walks by and as soon as she sees the stooges, she gets scared and walks away.]
MOE: Shemp! [pulls down his beard] That dame looked suspicious. You better follow her!
SHEMP: Right! [leaves and follows the woman]
[Moe and Larry walk up to a door across the hallway]
MOE: This is it!!
[The sign on the door reads: “Government of Urania. Department of Inferior.”]
MOE: [reading the sign] Government of Urania. Department of Inferior
[Cut to the inside of the office. Two female Uranian officers are working at their desk. Uranian officer #2 is making a rhythmic sound on her typewriter and the rhythm is completed by two knocks on the door.
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Come in.
[Moe and Larry enter and take off their hat and beards]
MOE: Operator number five! [salutes]
LARRY: Six and seven eights. [salutes and hits Moe by accident]
MOE: Oh!
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Good. I’ve been expecting you. Make yourselves at home.
MOE: Thank you. We will!
[Moe walks up to Uranian officer #1 and Larry walks up to Uranian officer #2.]
MOE: Pardon me. Hahahaha!
[Moe and Larry lift the Uranian officers from their chair and sit down so the officers can sit on their laps.]
URANIAN OFFICER #1: [startled] Oh!
MOE: Ready! Give!
[Moe and Larry give the Uranian officers a nice big kiss]
URANIAN OFFICER #2: She said make yourself at home, no obnoxious.
LARRY: Oh, quit kidding, toots. You know you love it. Give me another kiss.
[Uranian officer #2 grabs Larry’s face and bites his nose]
LARRY: Ahhhhhhhh! Ow!
[Uranian officer #1 and Moe stand up after they kiss]
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Ew! What a kisser!
MOE: Oh-ho. Glad you appreciate it.
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Yes, uh…let me see your hand.
MOE: Certainly. [sticks out his hand]
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Oh. Nice!
MOE: [flattered] Nahh!
[The Uranian officer places Moe’s hand under the stapler and staples his hand several times]
MOE: Oh oh oh oh! Ooooooooooh!
[Moe pulls the staples out of his hand with his teeth one by one]
MOE: Ah! Uh! Oooh! [spits out the staples] Pooh!
MOE: Ooooh! Hey that was mean! Come on, be nice. Give me another kiss.
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Uh, sure. Why not? You pooch and I’ll pucker.
MOE: Nyahh! [wipes his lips with his sleeve] Ruff! Hahaha! Hahahaha!
[Uranian officer #1 takes a paper needle from her desk and places it on the chair]
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Ready?
MOE: And how.
[Moe sits down on the needle and Uranian officer #1 sits on his lap]
MOE: [in pain] Oh oh oh!
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Oh, isn’t that fun?
MOE: Ohhhhh! [gets up. The needle is stuck in his rear]
MOE: Oh oh! Oh. You’re breaking my heart. Larry! Larry! Help me. Help. Larry, help me. Help me. Oh oh!
[Larry walks up to Moe]
LARRY: Wait a minute. I’ll get it. [tries to yank out the needle from Moe’s rear]
MOE: Oh oh oh! Oh!
LARRY: Wait, hold it still there!
[Larry yanks out the needle and he accidentally hits himself in the face]
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: [yells] Ohh Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
LARRY: Moe!
MOE: Oh.
LARRY: [shows the needle to Moe] It’s out!
MOE: [relieved] Oh.
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Next time, you’ll remember you came here on serious business.
LARRY: [salutes] Yes sir… [corrects himself] Ma’am.
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Now, you have been ordered to protect Professor Snead, the eminent scientist. You will work undercover.
MOE: Yes yes. We will work under covers.
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Neither he nor anyone else must know who you are. You will go to his new house and pretend you are carpet layers.
LARRY: Wait a minute! I can’t lay carpets.
URANIAN OFFICER #1: Why not?
LARRY: I’m not that rugged. Get it? Carpets, rugged! Hahahahahaha! Hahahahaha! Ahahaha! Hahaha! Ahahaha…
[Moe grabs a glass full of ink and pours it in Larry’s mouth while he laughs. Larry holds up his fist in anger. Moe punches Larry in the stomach. Larry spits the ink all over Moe]
MOE: Ooooop! Why you!! [grabs Larry’s nose and hits it four times]
LARRY: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
MOE: Now, listen you. We gotta find Shemp and get over to Professor Snead. Number seven.
LARRY: [grabs his ear] Seven!
MOE: Come on. [pulls Larry’s arm]
LARRY: Ohhhhh
[The scene ends and a new scene begins with an outside shot of a house. Nearby, three spies pop out from behind bushes and look at the house]
RORK: That’s Professor Sneed’s new house. I watched from here when he moved in yesterday. [looks through binoculars]
CLUTTZ: So, we have him cornered at last! By now, his super rocket fuel should be perfected, yes, Rork?
RORK: Yes… I think we can persuade him to give us the formula.
[Captain Rork looks through the binoculars again at the house and sees Larry standing in front of the window inside the house while smoking a pipe and looking upwards with a thoughtful look on his face]
RORK: Ah… there he is now. [hands binoculars to Cluttz] There’s no mistaking that magnificent head of hair!
[Cluttz looks through the binoculars at Larry]
[Inside the house, it turns out that the Stooges are carpet layers, and Moe and Shemp are in the middle of working. Larry takes the pipe out of his mouth and walks up to the actual Professor Sneed.]
LARRY: Hi ya, Professor. Got nothin’ to worry about. My men’ll have this job done in a couple of hours.
SNEED: Good.
[Moe overhears Larry saying “my men”, then he angrily walks over to Larry]
MOE: Who’s men?
LARRY: [nervously] Us men!
MOE: That’s better!
[Moe hits Larry’s head with a pair of scissors]
LARRY: Oh!
[Moe crunches Larry’s nose with the scissors]
MOE: Come on! Start cuttin’!
[Shemp puts several tacks in his mouth, then takes one tack out and hammers it into the carpet on the floor. He repeats this until he gets to the part of the carpet in front of the door. Suddenly, Professor Sneed’s daughter opens the door from the outside and accidentally hits Shemp’s head with the door, causing him to swallow the tacks in his mouth.]
SHEMP: [gags] I swallowed the tacks! [stands up and angrily raises carpet stretcher in hand] I’ll-- I’ll--
[Shemp looks at the attractive daughter and suddenly smiles]
SHEMP: I’ll be doggone!
DAUGHTER: Oh, I’m sorry!
[The daughter pats Shemp’s face and walks over to Professor Sneed]
DAUGHTER: Father, step into the laboratory. I’ve discovered something interesting.
SNEED: Just a moment, dear. [to Moe] I want you men to finish up as quickly as possible. My work, shall we say, is highly secret. Forget my name, forget you ever came here, is that clear?
MOE: You betcha! We won’t breathe a word.
SNEED: Good.
DAUGHTER: Thank you, boys. [smiles]
[Professor Sneed and the daughter walk away]
MOE: [looking at the daughter] Nnnnnn! Hee hee hee! [snaps teeth together]
[As Larry is cutting through the carpet, he smiles while staring at the daughter. Not looking at what he’s doing, he accidentally cuts right through the front of Moe’s shoe, crunching his toes.]
MOE: Yah-ahh!! Aaahh-aahh!! Ohhh!! Aaaaahhh! Ohhhh!!!
[Moe looks at what remains of his shoe and doesn’t see his toes sticking out of it]
MOE: My toes, they’re gone!! Ohh! Nnn-nnn-nnn!!
[Moe and Larry look at the cut-off part of Moe’s shoe for his toes, then Larry sees Moe’s toes tucked inside of what’s left of his shoe]
LARRY: Oh, there they are!
MOE: So they are!
[Moe hits Larry’s head with a hammer]
LARRY: Ooh!
[Moe hits Larry’s head with the hammer rapidly several more times, then whacks him in the nose with it]
[The daughter walks out the door and smiles at Shemp. Shemp tries to follow her, but she unintentionally closes the door right on his nose.]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh! Oh! Ohhhh!! [pops his nose out of the door] Ohh! Ohhhh…
[Moe walks away from Larry and goes over to Shemp]
MOE: Quit playin’ around! We gotta measure this joint! [hands Shemp one part of measuring tape] Take this tape over to the other wall. [pushes Shemp] Go onnnnn!
[Shemp walks a couple of feet away from Moe while holding one part of the measuring tape]
MOE: How many feet ya got?
[Shemp looks down and counts both of his feet]
SHEMP: Two!
MOE: You skillet-head! Gimme that tape!!
[Shemp lets go of his end of the measuring tape and it flings back right at Moe’s face and hits him, knocking him backwards into the door]
SHEMP: I’m sorry, Moe! You asked for it!
MOE: You asked for it, too! But… [smiles] we’ll forget it! Get to nailin’!
SHEMP: Yes, sir! Gladly!
[Shemp turns around and bends over. Moe quickly grabs the carpet on the floor that Shemp’s standing on and pulls it from under Shemp’s feet, sending Shemp crashing over a chair and into a shelf. At the same time, Moe accidentally slams backwards into the door due to the force of him pulling the rug.]
[Shemp struggles to pull off the hat that’s stuck over his face]
SHEMP: How did I get in this cellar here??
[Shemp finally pulls the hat off. A vase on the shelf behind him falls off and smashes on his head. He makes a dazed expression and passes out.]
[The scene dissolves back to the three spies hiding behind the bushes outside of Professor Sneed’s house]
CLUTTZ: [to Capt. Rork] When the professor comes out of the house, we’ll capture him. You will take him to Anemia. Leon and I will remain at the embassy.
RORK: Yes, colonel.
[The stooges leave Professor Sneed’s house]
DAUGHTER: Well, goodbye.
STOOGES: Goodbye!
[The daughter closes the door]
[In the nearby bushes, Captain Rork is watching the Stooges through binoculars]
RORK: Look! The professor has two assistants.
CLUTTZ: Good. We’ll take them, too.
[The Stooges walk past different piles of bushes]
MOE: We’ll grab a bite of lunch and hurry back. We mustn’t be gone too long.
[An arm reaches out from behind one pile of bushes and grabs Larry]
[Another arm reaches out from behind a second pile of bushes and grabs Moe]
[Shemp whistles, then he turns around and stops whistling when he sees that Moe and Larry are gone. Meanwhile, Captain Rork sneaks up behind Shemp with a gun]
SHEMP: [to Capt. Rork] Where’d those guys go that was here a few min--
[Captain Rork points his gun at Shemp’s face]
SHEMP: [gasps] Ohhho!
[Shemp turns around to run, but sees Leon standing there also pointing a gun at Shemp’s face]
SHEMP: Ohh!!
[Shemp pushes the gun out of Leon’s hand, then begins running away. Leon catches up to Shemp and tackles him to the ground by the legs.]
SHEMP: Let go! My leg, you’re breakin’ it!
[Leon and Rork begin dragging Shemp away by the feet]
SHEMP: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Moe, Larry!!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins with a shot of a plane flying in the air, then the camera dissolves to a train traveling on tracks, then dissolves to a jeep driving that Captain Rork and the Stooges are on. A graphic on the screen says “State of Anemia”.]
[A gate goes up and the jeep drives past it, then stops in front of a building]
RORK: Here we are, gentlemen.
[Captain Rork and the Stooges stand up in the jeep and begin to get out]
LARRY: [looking around] What a joint! [to Moe] Reminds me of the reform school.
[Moe kicks Larry in the behind, causing Larry to trip forward in the jeep]
MOE: Ohh! [helps Larry up] Did you stumble, professor? [squeezes Larry’s cheek hard]
LARRY: Ahh!
RORK: Anything wrong, professor?
LARRY: No, I’m alright.
[Larry steps one foot out the jeep, but his other foot gets caught inside the jeep and he almost falls over on the ground]
RORK: Guard!
[A guard walks up]
RORK: Uh, follow this soldier, gentlemen. He will lead you to the laboratory.
[Dissolve to a close-up of Moe in a laboratory, reading a book titled “Elementary Chemistry” with an astonished look on his face]
[Larry walks up next to Moe and pours a cup of chemicals down a funnel into a jug]
LARRY: [to Moe] Say, I beg your pardon. Do you have any idea what we’re doin’?
MOE: Now that you mention it… no!
[Larry does a double-take]
SHEMP: [to Moe] Why don’t you tell the General he ain’t Professor Sneed? He couldn’t invent the rocket fuel in a million years!
LARRY: I beg your pardon! I--
MOE: Wait a minute, you ignoramuses! If they find out we’re undercover men, they’ll go back and grab the real professor. We gotta make ‘em think we’re really mixing rocket fuel or they’ll shoot us.
[Shemp and Larry get scared]
MOE: Now we gotta fool them, savvy?
LARRY: You’re right. It’s our duty to posterior!
[The Stooges all do a double-take and Moe and Shemp look at Larry strangely. Larry nervously walks away. Moe continues reading his book while Shemp holds up a cup of chemicals.]
SHEMP: I wonder what this’ll do. [reads cup] “Pyrogallic Acid”.
[Shemp pours the acid through a funnel into a jug of chemicals. The chemicals suddenly start bubbling.]
SHEMP: Say… that acts mighty powerful!
MOE: Yeah. If they put that in an airplane, something’s bound to happen! Get some more stuff!!
SHEMP: Ok, ok!
[Shemp leans up on a shelf and reaches for a jug. As he grabs it, another jug next to it falls and smashes on Shemp’s head, knocking him dizzy.]
SHEMP: How’d that mule get in here?!
[Shemp dazedly staggers over next to Moe, who’s asleep while holding his head up with his arm. Shemp places a funnel in Moe’s sleeve, then takes the jar of chemicals and pours it down the funnel into Moe’s sleeve. Moe wakes up and slowly looks over and sees what Shemp is doing.]
MOE: Nyaaah-aaah-aaah-ohhh!!! [stands up] You don’t know my sleeve from a jug, you jughead!
[Moe slaps Shemp’s head, causing Shemp to accidentally knock over a jug of chemicals. The chemicals spill on the table and cause a fire.]
MOE: Hey! It’s burnin’ the wood! Put it out, somebody! Larry, Larry, put the fire out!
[Larry grabs a fire extinguisher and rushes to the table]
SHEMP: Larry, come on!!
[Larry aims the extinguisher at the fire and sprays at it, but accidentally gets Moe’s face wet instead]
MOE: You-- [looks at jug] Hey! It’s strong enough! Let’s cork it!
SHEMP: [holds up cork] Here’s the cork.
MOE: Ok, kid. [puts cork in jug] Ah!
[The cork suddenly pops out of the jar and lands off-camera]
RORK: [off-camera] Ooowwwww!!!
[Moe and Shemp look off-camera in shock]
[The camera cuts over to Captain Rork with the cork over his eye. He angrily pulls the cork out and slowly walks over to the Stooges.]
MOE: Top o’ the mornin’ to ya, Captain!
SHEMP: And the rest of the day for myself!
LARRY: Ah, but there’s good news today!
RORK: Yes, you have the… super rocket fuel?
MOE: You said it! With that stuff, a plane can go 1400 miles an hour.
SHEMP: In low gear!
[Moe slaps Shemp, then motions for him to shush]
RORK: Splendid! Splendid! I congratulate you, professor! [shakes Larry’s hand]
LARRY: Oh, think nothin’ of it.
[The General enters the lab with an angry look on his face]
RORK: You should give me the formula.
MOE: Oh, yes, the formula. Why… sure, sure. [to Larry] Tell him, professor.
LARRY: Oh, yeah, y-- [to Shemp] Tell him!
SHEMP: Me?! [to Rork] Well, uh… first you put in a half a pint of… Ectahoosis.
RORK: Ecatahoosis? [begins writing down on pad]
LARRY: [stops Capt. Rork] No, no… Ectawhatsis!
RORK: Whatsis! [writes down]
MOE: Uh… [clears throat] And four grams of Alkabob.
RORK: [writes down] Ah, so!
MOE: Then you pour in the Shiskabob!
RORK: Shishkabob… [writes down]
MOE: Then you fold in a jigger of… uh… Sascraphonia.
RORK: Ah! [writes down]
[The General watches as Rork writes the “formula” down]
LARRY: [to Rork] Say, did I give you carbolic acid? I’d love to!
SHEMP: Put down a squirt of Haratang…
[Meanwhile, the General opens the door and signals for somebody off-camera to come in]
SHEMP: Spelled sideways, it’s, uh… Aharagtn [clicks tongue several times]!!
RORK: H-How you spell this, uh… [clicks tongue several times]...
SHEMP: That’s right, put it down!
[Captain Rork does a double-take, then reluctantly begins writing down]
RORK: Yeah… [looks strangely at Shemp]
SHEMP: [looks off-camera] Hiya!
[The camera cuts to the General, Cluttz, and Leon bringing Professor Sneed and his daughter in the lab]
STOOGES: Nyaaahh!!!
[The Stooges run towards the open window in the lab, but Cluttz presses a button on the wall next to him, causing bars to drop in between the open window. The Stooges end up banging their heads on it.]
STOOGES: Oh!!
[Leon walks up to the Stooges and points a gun at Larry. Captain Rork walks up to Cluttz]
RORK: Colonel, what does this mean??
CLUTTZ: It means you have captured three imposters, you dunderhead! [looks at Prof. Sneed] This is Professor Sneed.
GENERAL: Yes, and unless you give us that formula at once, you, your daughter, and your friends… all will be shot!
[The daughter puts her arm around Professor Sneed]
SNEED: I’m sorry, but… I’m afraid I can’t help you.
DAUGHTER: You see, General, my father has a very poor memory.
SHEMP: [searches around pockets] I’ve got a little booklet here - “How to Train Your Memory in Five Easy Lessons”!
MOE: [to Leon] Pardon me…
[Moe grabs Leon’s gun away and hits Shemp’s head with it]
SHEMP: Ooh!
MOE: Quiet! [gives gun back to Leon] Thank you.
[Leon points the gun right in front of Moe’s face]
MOE: Don’t point!
[Moe pushes Leon’s hand away from his face, causing Leon to unintentionally point the gun in front of Larry’s face]
LARRY: Nyuh! [pushes Leon’s arm down]
GENERAL: [to Prof. Sneed] Perhaps a night in the dungeon will refresh your memory. [to Cluttz] Take them away!
CLUTTZ: [to Prof. Sneed and Daughter] March… March!!
[Professor Sneed and his daughter begin walking away]
[The scene ends and a new scene begins with the Stooges alone in the lab nervously walking around in circles. Shemp stick out both of his arms this time and manages to avoid hitting Moe and Larry until he accidentally slaps Moe when Moe walks past him.]
SHEMP: What is it here?
MOE: What’s the matta with you?! [gives Shemp double-handed slap]
SHEMP: Alright… both hands were out that time.
LARRY: [passing by] Beep beep!
SHEMP: Beep!
[On the floor below the Stooges, Professor Sneed and his daughter are in a jail cell. They both look up at the ceiling and can hear the Stooges’ footsteps.]
[Cut back to the floor above where the stooges are still walking around]
SHEMP: Heep eep eep!
MOE: I don’t know what to do or how to get out of this thing.
[The stooges stop walking]
MOE: Look boys. We gotta get the keys to the cell below from this guy and release the professor. Now look, we’ll straighten the whole thing out, right? Shemp! Guard the door! [points to the door]
SHEMP: [walks towards the door] Heep eep eep eep eep eep!
LARRY: [to Moe] Routine number six.
MOE: Ok.
[Rork enters and slams the door in Shemp’s face. Rork brings in a table full of food.]
RORK: I personally brought you your last meal before you are shot.
[Moe and Larry begin to look frightened]
RORK: Hehehe! Eat hearty! Pigs feet smothered in lubricating oil. Raw potatoes boiled in pure varnish. Hehehe! And headcheese garnished with nails. Rusty nails! Hehehe! Hahahaha!
[Rork begins laughing hysterically. Larry grabs the pepper shaker from the table. Larry removes the cover, pours the pepper into his hand, and blows it on Rork’s face]
[Rork begins sneezing. As he does so, Moe grabs a glass bottle and attempts to hit Rork on the head with it, but he misses and hits Larry instead. When Rork begins sneezing again, Moe takes a stick. As soon as he brings the stick back to hit Rork, he accidentally hits Larry in the head]
LARRY: Oh!
[Moe hits Rork on the head with it twice and he becomes unconscious. Moe grabs the keys.]
MOE: Shemp! Come on! Let’s get him in that trunk.
[Shemp walks up to Moe and Larry and helps them carry Rork to the trunk]
MOE: Up you go!
[Dissolve to Moe holding up the keys]
MOE: Now, these are the keys to the cell below. We gotta get down there somehow.
LARRY: Yeah, but there’s a guard outside. [gets an idea] I got it! That rocket fuel we made. It burned a hole in the table. It’ll burn a hole in the floor.
MOE: Right.
[Larry walks off-camera]
MOE: [to Shemp] You know, he’s the most intelligent imbecile I ever saw.
SHEMP: Hey! How about me?!
MOE: Oh, you’re much smarter - you’re just an imbecile!
[Larry returns with the jug of the “rocket fuel”]
LARRY: Here it is, fellas.
MOE: Get busy and make that hole. We’ll watch the door. [to Shemp] Come on.
[Moe and Shemp walk over to the door as Larry begins pouring the “rocket fuel” in a circle on the floor around him. Moe and Shemp keep looking back at Larry every few seconds. After Larry is finished, smoke begins to rise from the floor around him due to the “rocket fuel”. After a few seconds, the floor under Larry crashes and Larry falls though and lands in Professor Sneed and the daughter’s jail cell below.]
LARRY: Oohhhh!!
DAUGHTER: Oh!
[Professor Sneed and the daughter help Larry up]
[Moe and Shemp walk over to the hole in the floor and look through]
DAUGHTER: [to Larry] Are you alright??
[Moe tries to slowly climb down the hole, but he slips and falls down]
MOE: Whooaaa!!
[Moe lands right in front of Larry in the cell and knocks him down]
[Back upstairs, the General and Cluttz enter the lab right as Shemp is trying to climb down the hole]
GENERAL: Seize him!!
[The General and Cluttz grab Shemp’s upper body and try to pull him back up the hole]
SHEMP: Whoa!
[Moe and Larry try to grab Shemp’s legs as his upper body is being pulled by the General and Cluttz]
SHEMP: Ngoooo!!
[Moe and Larry pull on Shemp’s legs so hard that they manage to stretch his legs down several feet]
SHEMP: Ohh!!
[The General and Cluttz pull harder on Shemp’s hair]
SHEMP: Oohh!
[Moe angrily begins twisting Shemp’s foot around in circles]
MOE: Nnnngh!!
[The General and Cluttz manage to stretch Shemp’s neck upwards several feet as if it’s rubber]
SHEMP: [in raspy voice] You’re killing me!!
[Moe grabs Shemp’s foot again and angrily grumbles]
SHEMP: [to General and Cluttz] Wait!! You’re killin’ me!! I’ll give up!! Let go!!
[The General and Cluttz release Shemp and he drops into the hole. The General and Cluttz look down into the hole and Shemp reaches up and punches both of them in the face.]
GENERAL: Oohh! Dohhh!!
[Professor Sneed, the daughter, and the Stooges exit the jail cell just as the guard from before and Leon rush towards them]
[The Stooges burst the jail cell back open, causing the guard and Leon to get their heads caught in between the cell bars]
GUARD AND LEON: Ohhh!!
[Professor Sneed, the daughter, Moe, and Larry make their escape and leave the building]
GUARD: Let me out!
LEON: Call the guard!
GUARD: Don’t let ‘em go!
LEON: Call the guard!!
GUARD: Come back here!
[Shemp is about to leave with the rest of the group, but he returns to the cell and picks up the jug of “rocket fuel”]
GUARD: Stop it!
LEON: Halt!
GUARD: Help!
LEON: Halt!
GUARD: Heeellp!
[Shemp exits the cell and closes the cell door with the guard and Leon’s heads still stuck in between the bars]
GUARD: Help!!
SHEMP: What’s the guard’s name?!
[Shemp kicks the guard and Leon in the behind, then escapes from the building]
GUARD AND LEON: Help!!!
[Outside the building, Professor Sneed, the daughter, Moe, and Larry rush down the stairs and head towards the jeep]
LARRY: Quick, get in the jeep!
MOE: We’ll make a dash for it!
[They enter the jeep and Moe sits at the steering wheel]
LARRY: Alright, start ‘er up!
[Moe steps on the pedal, but the jeep won’t start. He looks at the meter and realizes there’s no gas.]
MOE: It’s empty! We’re cooked!
[Shemp runs down the stairs to the building]
SHEMP: Oh, no we ain’t! I got the stuff!! I got the stuff!!
[Shemp is about to pour the jug of “rocket fuel” into the gas tank of the jeep]
LARRY: Hey, wait a minute! That ain’t gas!
SHEMP: It may not be gas, but it packs an awful wallop! [pours “fuel” in gas tank]
MOE: Ha ha haaaa! [pats Shemp’s head]
[The General, Cluttz, and several soldiers run down the stairs to the building]
GENERAL: Stop them! Shoot!
SHEMP: Whoa!! [throws jug of “rocket fuel” away]
LARRY: Aaaah! Come on! Come on!
[Shemp enters the jeep as the soldiers begin shooting at them]
[Moe steps on the pedal and the exhaust pipe of the jeep explodes right in front of the General, Cluttz, and the soldiers, leaving them in nothing but their long johns]
[The jeep quickly takes off down the street as the exhaust pipe continues blowing out lots of smoke and explosion sparks]
--THE END--
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