Deconstructing The Rat Pack (Joey, the Mob, and the Summit)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2003-07-09
TRICKY DICKS
SLICK CHICK....Connie Cezan
B.A. COPPER....Ferris Taylor
MAN WITH GLASSES....Murray Alper
CHOPPER....Phil Arnold
ANTONIO....Benny Rubin
[ The short opens with a close-up of a door labeled “POLICE STATION SECTION 13, DETECTIVE BUREAUâ€. Camera pans inside the detective station and shows Moe and Larry sitting at a table. Larry is getting a deck of cards ready and Moe is rolling a cigarette. The phone next to Moe suddenly jangles loudly, scaring him and causing him to drop his cigarette. ]
MOE: Hmm! That phone! [ picks up phone receiver ] Detective Bureau, Sgt. Moe speakin’! [ pause ] Yes, Collins? [ pause ] You say you don’t know what to do about a woman being annoyed by a man with a wooden leg by the name of Smith?! [ pause ] Well, find out the name of his other leg! [ hangs up phone ] I have to do everything around here!
LARRY: You know, my sister was engaged to a guy with a wooden leg.
MOE: Yeah, what happened?
LARRY: She broke it off.
MOE: The engagement?
LARRY: Nah, the leg.
MOE: Oh... [ does a double-take ] [ sarcastically ] Charming sister...
[ Shemp enters the detective station with a woman ]
SHEMP: Hiya, fellas.
MOE: Hiya, Shemp. [ looking at the woman ] What do ya got there?
SHEMP A dip!
SLICK CHICK: [ to Larry ] How dare you look like somebody I hate?! [ slaps Larry ]
SHEMP: [ grabbing the woman ] Go on!
[ Shemp and the woman walk over to a table as Larry looks over at the woman and holds his face in pain and confusion ]
SHEMP: Sit right down.
[ The woman sits down in a chair in front of the desk as Shemp sits in a chair behind the desk ]
SHEMP: [ picks up a pencil ] What’s the name?
SLICK CHICK: Chick.
SHEMP: [ writes it down on a piece of paper ] First name?
SLICK CHICK: Slick.
SHEMP: Oh, “Slick Chickâ€. Born?
SLICK CHICK: I think so.
SHEMP: Where were you born?
SLICK CHICK: In bed -- I wanted to be near my mother.
SHEMP: [ slams his pencil down in anger and stands up ] Listen, toots! You’re accused of pickin’ pockets!
SLICK CHICK: [ stands up and walks over to Shemp ] Now, don’t get excited, handsome.
SHEMP: [ taking off his hat ] Aw, gee... Thanks!
SLICK CHICK: [ runs her hand through Shemp’s hair ] You are handsome, you know. [ turns her head away from Shemp and grimaces ]
SHEMP: Aw, you just said that!
SLICK CHICK: No I didn’t!
SHEMP: Well, somebody just said it!
SLICK CHICK: You know, it’s ridiculous you’re accusing me of picking pockets. [ walks in front of Shemp and turns her back to the camera ] Look into my eyes.
SHEMP: You know, baby, you got the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen in my life! [ closes his eyes in delight ]
SLICK CHICK: [ turning back to the camera, revealing that she took some watches and jewelry out of Shemp’s pockets ] You know, I wouldn’t take anything from anybody. [ puts the jewelry in her purse ] Please tell me that you believe me innocent. Please say that you do.
SHEMP: [ opens his eyes ] I believe ya, baby! I believe ya!
SLICK CHICK: Oh, thanks. [ takes a cigarette out of her purse ] Got a match?
SHEMP: [ reaching in his pocket ] Certainly. [ pulls out a box of matches and hands it over to Slick Chick ] Here.
[ Camera cuts to a mouse crawling on the floor ]
SHEMP: [ pulling up his pant legs ] OH! A MOUSE! A MOUSE! [ jumps up on top of a chair ]
SLICK CHICK: AAH! AAH! A MOUSE! A MOUSE!
SHEMP: [ waving his hat toward the mouse ] GET! GET!
SLICK CHICK: Oh, oh, oh! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! [ lifts up her skirt a little and accidentally reveals plenty of stolen jewelry tied to her stockings ]
SHEMP: [ looks over at Slick Chick ] It’s alright, he’s... [ does a double-take when he sees all the jewelry ties to her legs ] Ohh! [ gets down from the chair and walks over to her ] One of those wise dames, eh? Thought you’d get away with it. C’mon, get it up! Get it up! [ a beat ] Gimme back my matches!
[ Slick Chick takes the box of matches out of her purse and gives it back to Shemp ]
SHEMP: SCRAM!
[ Slick Chick leaves ]
SHEMP: That’s how I got ‘em!
[ Shemp walks over to the table where Moe and Larry are in the middle of a card game, and he takes a seat. He picks up a card that happens to be an ace and quickly hides it in his pocket. ]
SHEMP: Uh... deal me in, fellas, will ya?
[ Moe and Larry slam their cards down on the table in anger ]
LARRY: Aww, I had a good hand!
[ Camera cuts over to a door labeled “B.A. COPPER CHIEF OF DETECTIVESâ€. The door opens and B.A. Copper appears. ]
B.A. COPPER: Hey, you guys! Get me the file on the Ambrose Rose murder case.
MOE: [ stands up ] Okay, chief. [ pulls Shemp up out of his chair ] Hey, you! Get that file!
SHEMP: Get it yourself!
MOE: [ pushing Shemp away ] Go on!
[ Shemp backs into a file cabinet and accidentally pushes in the middle drawer, which causes the top drawer to shoot out and knock Shemp down. Camera cuts over to Larry watching Shemp, then getting up and walking over to him ]
LARRY: [ pushing Shemp out of the way ] Step aside, nitwit! I''ll show ya how to do this! [ pushes the top drawer in, then the bottom drawer suddenly shoots out and strikes his leg ] OWWWW!!!! [ hops up and down in pain ]
[ Moe walks into the scene ]
MOE: A fine time to play Hopscotch! [ slaps Larry ] I have to do everything around here!
[ Larry and Shemp back away from Moe as he angrily throws his hat to the ground ]
MOE: Now pay attention you two pickle-brains and learn something. [ swiftly kicks the bottom drawer in, then quickly ducks before the top drawer can whack him in the head ] Ha, ha, ha! See! You have to use your brains! [ forgetting that he''s still crouching under the open top drawer, he stands back up and bangs his head on the drawer ] OWWW! OH! OH!
[ Shemp and Larry bring Moe back to ]
MOE: What happened? What happened???
SHEMP AND LARRY: You used your brains!
[ As he''s laughed at by Shemp and Larry, Moe fixes Shemp in the knee elbow-chin position. He then give a no-look bop to Larry''s head, which shuts his laughing up. ]
LARRY: [ holding face in pain ] OWW!
SHEMP: [ still in the knee-elbow-chin position ]: What happens with me?
MOE: Nothin''... [suddenly kicks Shemp in the leg, causing him to punch himself in the chin ]
SHEMP: OH!!!!!
[ Camera cuts over to B.A. Copper opening his door again ]
B.A. COPPER: Nevermind the files, boys. I didn’t know it, but I had ‘em all the time! Heh, heh, heh, heh!
[ Camera cuts back over to the Stooges ]
LARRY: Oh! He had the file all the time!
SHEMP: How do ya like that guy?
LARRY: Oh, what a dope!
SHEMP: How do ya like him?!
MOE: I don''t like him. Besides, I don''t like this [ pointing to the open file drawer ]. But it''s a matter of principle with me. I''m gonna shut that drawer if it''s the last thing I do!
Moe slams the drawer into Larry and Shemp''s fingers, which sends the drawer shooting back open again and crashing into Moe''s head.
SHEMP AND LARRY: OHH!!!
MOE (shaking his head in pain): That''s the last thing I''ll do...
[ Scene dissolves to the Stooges sitting back at the table, playing a game of cards ]
LARRY: [ throws cards down ] I’ll just see it. Three queens! [ reaches to pick up some chips ]
MOE: Wait a minute! [ puts his cards down ] 10’s full! [ reaches to pick up the chips ]
LARRY: Huh?!
SHEMP: Hold it! [ shows his cards ] Four aces! Pretty lucky, ain’t I? [ grabs the chips ] Ha, ha, ha, ha!
MOE: [ suspiciously ] Yeah!
B.A. COPPER: [ off-camera ] He can’t do this to me!
[ Camera cuts over to B.A. Copper’s door opening and Copper storming out of it while holding a newspaper in his hand ]
B.A. COPPER: I’ll do somethin’ about it! [ walks over to the Stooges as they get up from the table in fear ] Why you, no-good...! Playin’ cards while the whole town’s in an uproar! Listen to this -- [ reading from the newspaper ] “Slug McGurk killer still at large. ‘I’ll reshuffle the detective bureau,’ threatens police commissioner Ronald Shrinker.†[ to the Stooges ] If you guys think I am gonna take the wrap for this, you’re crazy! Now, I’ll give ya just 24 hours to catch the killer and get a confession, or I’ll throw all three of ya out of here!
MOE: Take is easy, boss. We’ll find him.
B.A. COPPER: Remember -- just 24 hours! Not one minute more!
[ Copper slams his hand on the edge of the table so hard, causing the other end of the table to shoot up and throw the Stooges’ cards and chips at him ]
B.A. COPPER: [ to the Stooges ] AAH! [ leaves ]
MOE: Larry, get down and get that guy in Cell #6.
[ Larry leaves ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Listen, we gotta do somethin’. Think! Think! Use your head!
SHEMP: Oh! [ begins pounding his head on the table repeatedly ]
MOE: Thatta boy! Think it up! Think hard! That’s it, kid! Harder!
SHEMP: [ stops pounding his head ] I got it!
MOE: What?!
SHEMP: A terrific headache!
MOE: Do you like sugar in your coffee?
SHEMP: I don’t drink coffee!
MOE: Well, here’s a "lump" for your cocoa! [ bops Shemp on the head ]
SHEMP: OOH!
[ Moe angrily walks over closer to Shemp ]
SHEMP: Waitaminnit, Moe, I wanna think. [ begins ‘eeb-eeb- eeb’-ing and clicking his tongue ] I can’t think! Will you loosen my scalp?
MOE: Sure! [ pulls up the top of Shemp’s hair and bonks him on the head repeatedly as Shemp rotates his body ] There! How’s that?
SHEMP: I’m gettin’ it! [ continues ‘eeb-eeb-eeb’-ing and clicking his tongue ] Moe, I got a thought in the back of my head.
MOE: Okay, I’ll knock it up front. [ bonks Shemp on the back of the head ]
SHEMP: Ohh! You knocked it out entirely. But I’ll get it! Eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb! [ stretches his left arm out and puts his hand on Moe’s shoulder ] Moe, I’m gonna think! [ rests his head on his stretched-out arm and begins to fall asleep ]
MOE: [ to off-camera ] Quiet, everybody! Genius at work!
[ Shemp begins snoring loudly ]
MOE: Think louder, kid!
[ Shemp snores even louder ]
MOE: [ plunking Shemp in the nose ] C’mon!
[ Shemp wakes up for a quick second and looks at Moe, then goes back to sleep ]
[ Camera cuts to a man with glasses slowly entering the detective station, looking around the place in confusion ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] Alright now, kid. Think it up! Think it up!
[ The man walks up to Moe ]
MAN WITH GLASSES: I...uh, I beg your pardon. Can I see you for a moment, please?
[ Moe walks up to the man ]
MOE: Can’t you see we’re busy?! You back here again?! I told ya a thousand times to stay outta here! [ grabs the man by the back of his suit and pushes him toward the door ] Now get out and stay out! [ kicks the man out the door ] Go on!
[ Camera cuts to Larry exiting a cell with a short, balding man ]
LARRY: Hey, fellas! I got Chopper!
[ Moe and Shemp walk over to them and Moe pulls up a chair ]
LARRY: Get ‘im over here!
MOE: [ to Chopper ] Sit down!
[ Chopper sits down on the chair; Larry brings over a lamp and places it behind Chopper’s seat, then turns it on, shining the light on Chopper’s head ]
MOE: Now listen, Chopper, we’re not gonna waste any time on you!
SHEMP: The body of your friend, Slug McGurk, was found wrapped up in newspapers. Now, I know you can’t believe everything you see in the newspapers, but the fact remains he’s dead!
LARRY: Are you guilty or not guilty?
CHOPPER: I am the culprit who perpetrated this heinous incident...
LARRY: Stop evadin’ the question!
MOE: Larry, beat ‘im with the hose!
[ Larry pulls out one women’s hose from his pocket ]
CHOPPER: Oh, no! Not that! Oh, please! Please! Not that! No!
[ Larry begins beating Chopper with the hose ]
CHOPPER: OOH! OH!
MOE: That’s enough!
[ Larry stops ]
MOE: I don’t want you to bruise ''im!
SHEMP: [ to Chopper ] Now, are you guilty or not guilty?
CHOPPER: Indubitably!
SHEMP: Oh, so you still won’t talk, eh?!
CHOPPER: But gentlemen, I reiterate...
MOE: Not in here, you won’t!
CHOPPER: Nevertheless, I reiterate -- indubitably! [ folds his arms across his chest ] There!
MOE: Larry, take him away! He refuses to sing!
LARRY: [ grabbing Chopper by the shoulder ] C’mon.
CHOPPER: [ looking up in the air ] Is there no justice?!
LARRY: [ taking Chopper away ] C’mon!
MOE: Get outta here!
[ As Larry takes Chopper back to the cell, he stops when he sees a pretty secretary walking out of the cell ]
LARRY: Hiya, babe! -- Wait a minute! [ to Chopper ] Stay here! [ walks up to the secretary and kisses her on the lips ]
[ The secretary angrily walks away as Larry continues to stand there with his eyes closed and his lips puckered, waiting for another kiss ]
LARRY: [ walking up to the secretary ] Hey, babe, you forgot somethin’!
[ The secretary slaps Larry ]
LARRY: That’s what you forgot!
[ Larry begins to walk in the cell by himself before he realizes he forgot Chopper, who’s crying with his head slumped on the top of a pile of boxes next to the cell ]
LARRY: [ grabbing Chopper ] Tryin’ to get away, eh? [ bringing Chopper into the cell ] C’mon, you! Wiseguy, eh?
[ Camera cuts over to Moe and Shemp walking around in circles as Shemp ‘eeb-eeb-eeb’s quietly to himself ]
MOE: WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING!
[ Shemp gets startled by Moe’s sudden outburst and stops walking back and forth. After he and Moe look at each other for a few seconds in silence, they continue walking back and forth until the phone jangles loudly a few seconds later, starling them. Moe angrily picks up the phone as Shemp pours himself a glass of water to calm himself. ]
MOE: Detective Bureau! [ pause ] Yes, this is Sgt. Moe! [ pause, then changes his angry tone-of-voice to a kinder tone ] Oh, hello, dear! [ pause ] Why, of course, dear! [ pause ] Oh, sure, you’ve got nothin’ to worry about. Goodbye, sweetheart!
[ Moe hangs up the phone, then turns to Shemp, who’s drinking his glass of water ]
MOE: That was the mayor.
SHEMP: Oh, she’s a wonderful woman.
MOE: And not bad to look at... [ yelling in Shemp’s face ] WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!?
[ Shemp spits water right in Moe’s face ]
SHEMP: Oh, take it easy! Take it easy! [ slaps Moe on the face repeatedly to dry him off ] You’re all dry now!
MOE: [ reaching over to strangle Shemp ] MMM!
SHEMP: Hey, wait a minute! We forgot the main witness; he’s down one of the cells.
MOE: How long has he been there?
SHEMP: About four weeks!
MOE: Go on down and bring him up if he’s still alive! [ pushing Shemp away ] Go ahead!
SHEMP: Alright! [ leaves ]
[ The telephone jangles loudly once again and scares Moe. He angrily picks it up. ]
MOE: Hello?! Yeah?! Detective bureau, Sgt. Moe speakin!! [ pause ] Oh, wait a minute, Clancy! [ sits down behind a desk ] Go ahead! [ pause ] You say there’s a dead horse on Ticonderoga Street?! [ pause, then picks up a pencil and begins to write down ] How do you spell “Ticonderoga� [ pause ] Oh, you don’t know, either? Well, drag him over to First Street! [ hangs up ] I have to think of everything! [ slams his pencil down ]
[ Camera cuts over to Shemp and Larry exiting the cell with a man who has a monkey on his shoulder ]
SHEMP: Go ahead! Get goin’ there!
[ Moe walks up to them and brings over a chair ]
MOE: [ to the man ] Sit down!
[ The man puts his monkey down on a table, then sits down on the chair ]
MOE: [ to Shemp and Larry ] What is this?!
SHEMP: He’s the Italian organ grinder -- Antonio Zucchini Salami Gorgonzola DePizza!
LARRY: [ grimacing, holding his chest in disgust ] Sounds like a bad meal!
MOE: Alright, Tony, where were you on the night of October the 13th? Now speak up, paisan!
ANTONIO: [ with British accent ] I say, old chappies! It was a beastly night, if I remember correctly, and I was in the home of Mrs. Van Zyrick, the oil heiress. I stopped there for a spot of tea -- and a crumpet!
[ The Stooges look at each other, surprised by Antonio’s British accent ]
MOE: Mmm-mmm! Well, what were you doin’ at the time of the murder?!
ANTONIO: Well, we had a glass of... [ does a double-take ] "MURDER"?!? [ gets up from his chair and runs towards the door ] Good gracious, let me out of here! I detest blood! Ew! Ew! [ leaves ]
LARRY: That settles it! Slowly but surely, we’ll tighten the news around Chopper’s neck. That’s evidence!
MOE: Yeah. Did you put it down?
LARRY: No, I couldn’t find a pencil!
MOE: [ slaps Larry ] Go on! [ to Shemp ] Did you?
SHEMP: No.
[ Moe slaps Shemp ]
SHEMP AND LARRY: Did you?!
MOE: [ slapping Shemp and Larry ] No!
[ Shemp gives Moe the hand movement ]
MOE: Go on! Fill out that report! [ turns his back on Shemp ]
[ Shemp sticks his tongue at Moe behind his back, but Moe gives him a no-look bop on the head ]
SHEMP: OOH!
MOE: [ grabbing Larry by the hair ] C’mon, you! Get goin’! [ he and Larry leave ]
SHEMP: [ walking over to his desk ] Always pickin’ on people! [ sits down behind his desk and begins writing ]
[ Antonio’s monkey, who Antonio forgot to bring with him when he left, crawls over to under Shemp’s table and begins tying Shemp’s shoelaces together ]
SHEMP: [ while writing ] “Antonio Zucchini Salami...â€
[ The phone on Shemp’s desk rings; Shemp picks it up ]
SHEMP: Hello? [ pause ] Oh, yeah, Joe. Look -- release that guy who stole those 11 bottles of whiskey. [ pause ] I know he’s guilty, but the D.A. says we can’t make a case out of 11 bottles! [ hangs up, then continues writing ]
[ Camera cuts over to the monkey finishing up tying Shemp’s shoelaces together ]
SHEMP: [ off-camera ] “Had tea at the...â€
[ Camera cuts back over to Shemp ]
SHEMP: [ stops writing and looks over his desk ] Where’d I put that at? [ looks at a piece of paper stuck in between a thin needle ] Oh, here it is. [ holds the bottom of the needle and yanks the paper from it, causing himself to accidentally smack his face with the paper ] Ohh! [ looking at the needle ] I better put oil on that thing... [ moves the needle over to the side, then continues writing ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] Hey, Shemp! Come here! Hurry!
SHEMP: [ gets up from the desk and begins walking ] Ah, you’re always call... [ falls flat on the ground, due to his shoelaces being tied together ] Ooh! Mmm! [ looks at his feet and notices his shoelaces tied together ]
[ The monkey chirps in the background and Shemp looks over at him ]
SHEMP: Oh, you did it, ya little rascal! I’ll fix you! [ begins untying his shoes ]
[ Camera cuts to the monkey jumping on Shemp’s table and grabbing the paper needle, then placing it on Shemp’s chair ]
SHEMP: [ off-camera ] I’ll crush yer skull! I’ll mangle ya! [ straining ] Boy, is this knot tight!! [ pause ] There! It’s loose!
[ The monkey jumps off the table; Camera cuts back over to Shemp getting up from the floor and walking over to his desk ]
SHEMP: That cockeyed monkey! I’ll flatten ‘im! Believe me, I’ll... [ sits down on top of the paper needle ] OWWWW!!!!! I’M LOSING MY MIND!!! AAAHHHHHHH!!! [ pulls the needle out of his behind ] OOH! OOH! [ holds the needle in front of him and jumps in shock when he sees that it’s now bent due to him sitting on top of it ] I must have iron in my blood! [ looks over and notices the monkey standing by the wall, laughing at him ] “Monkey†with me, will ya? I’ll fix ya!
[ As Shemp walks over to grab a bat, the monkey jumps on top of the table. Shemp turns back and can’t see the monkey, so he looks everywhere around the area, except on the table. Then Shemp bends below the table and looks over there. As he sticks his head out from under the table and looks up, he finally sees the monkey on top of his desk. Shemp spits on both of his hands, then grabs the bat ]
[ Moe walks back into the scene and looks over at the end of the desk at Shemp as the monkey leaves the scene. Shemp jumps over the end of the desk and swings the bat at Moe, breaking it over his head ]
SHEMP: [ runs over to Moe ] Oh, Moe! Moe! I meant to hit the other monkey!
MOE: That’s alright, kid. I know...
SHEMP: [ relieved ] Oh! You’re not sore, then?
MOE: No!
SHEMP: Well, that’s fine! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
MOE: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
SHEMP: That was a mighty swipe, wasn’t it?
MOE: Yeah! [ suddenly reaches over to eyepoke Shemp ] Why, you...
SHEMP: [ blocks Moe’s eyepoke with his hand ] Ha, ha! I fooled ya, didn’t I?
MOE: Yeah... [ eyepokes Shemp with each index finger ]
SHEMP: OHH!! OHH!
[ Moe begins twirling Shemp’s tie ]
SHEMP: Look out! Let go! Ohh! Ohh! [ helplessly twirls his head along with his tie ] Don’t spin me, Moe! Don’t spin me!
[ Camera cuts to Larry exiting the cell with Chopper ]
LARRY: [ to Moe ] Hey, Sarge! Chopper wants to confess!
MOE: [ pulling out a chair ] C’mon. Sit him down here!
[ Chopper sits down on the chair ]
CHOPPER: Write down my confession, please.
[ Larry takes out a pad and pen ]
SHEMP: Start talkin’!
CHOPPER: I...
MOE: [ slapping Chopper on the head ] Wait a minute! [ to Larry ] Take it down in shorthand!
LARRY: [ pulls his arm and hand up close to his shoulder ] Right!
[ The suspicious man with glasses from earlier in the film walks back into the station and overhears the Stooges and Chopper ]
CHOPPER: I, Gilbraith Q. Tiddlewatter, herewith confess that I did willfully kill one Slug McGurk!
MAN WITH GLASSES: Just a moment!!
[ The Stooges and Chopper look over at the man ]
MAN WITH GLASSES: I killed Slug McGurk and nobody’s gonna take away the glory from me! I’m a thrill killer, [ whips off his glasses and takes a gun out of his suit ] and I’m gonna get the rest of you guys!
ALL STOOGES AND CHOPPER: [ running away ] WHOOOAAAAAAA!!!
[ The man begins firing the gun all over the place as the Stooges and Chopper try to hide ]
[ As Larry jumps on top of a table, he gets shot in the behind ]
LARRY: YEEEOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!
[ Camera cuts to the monkey hiding in a garbage can ]
[ Camera cuts to Moe running over to a chair and hiding behind it ]
[ Camera cuts to Shemp jumping behind his desk. After a few seconds, he holds a flag up behind the desk and waves it, but the killer shoots the flag off the stick. Shemp sticks his head up and twitches in shock when he sees the top of the flag is missing. Then Shemp tries to crawl away, but he accidentally hits his head on the file cabinet ]
SHEMP: OHH!
[ Camera cuts over to the killer shooting various stuff on the desk that Larry is hiding under, including an ink bottle. The ink bottle shatters and the ink spills all on top of Larry’s head. Larry looks up as he feels this, and then the ink spills on his face. ]
[ Camera cuts over to Moe peeking from behind a chair. The killer fires his gun towards him and shoots Moe’s tie off. ]
MOE: Nyah! NYAA-AAA-AAAAH!
[ Camera cuts over to B.A. Copper’s door opening and Copper peeking outside of it ]
B.A. COPPER: What’s goin’ on here?!
[ The killer fires towards B.A. Copper and shoots his toupee off ]
B.A. COPPER: YUGH! [ running back in his office ]
[ Camera cuts to the killer firing his gun at a garbage can and shooting the monkey out of it. The monkey screeches in fear, then hides inside of a drawer. ]
[ Camera cuts to the killer shooting at one end of the file cabinet, where Shemp is hiding on the opposite side. A drawer gets shot open and bumps into Shemp’s head. ]
SHEMP: OHH! OHH! This is dangerous! [ begins crawling away ]
[ The monkey peers out of the drawer he was hiding in, and reveals a gun in his hands. He fires the gun at Shemp, shooting him in the behind. ]
SHEMP: OHH! OHH! OHH!!! [ dragging his behind on the ground ] OW-OW-OW-OW-OW!!
[ Shemp stands up and looks in the open file drawer, then reaches in and pulls out a gun. He sneaks behind the killer, who’s still shooting all over the place, and kicks him in the behind. The killer angrily turns to him, but raises his arms in the air when he sees the gun in Shemp’s hand ]
SHEMP: So you’re the killer, eh? Well, I’m gonna let ya have it! [ pulls the trigger of the gun, but a “BANG†flag pops out instead of bullets ]
[ The killer lowers his hands from the air and then shoots Shemp right in the chest several times as he backs away off camera ]
[ Camera cuts to the killer backing all the way into a wall and almost knocking himself out, but he still continues firing his gun ]
[ Camera cuts to Shemp holding his chest in pain. He spins around in circles, then drops on the floor, and begins spinning around on the floor like a top. Then he flops his body up and down on the floor like a fish ]
[ Camera cuts over to the monkey pointing his gun in the air, then firing it. It shoots at three bowling balls on top of a shelf. The bowling balls roll off the shelf and fall down below on the killer’s head, making a sound like the NBC-gong sound. The killer gets knocked him out and Larry runs over to him. ]
LARRY: Got ‘im!
[ Camera cuts over to Shemp lying down on the floor as Moe runs up to him ]
MOE: Take it easy, kid! Take it easy!
SHEMP: He got me!
MOE: [ sitting Shemp up ] Okay, here! [ opens a whiskey bottle ] Take a swig of this. [ puts the opening of the bottle in Shemp’s mouth and holds the bottom of it up so the drink goes down Shemp’s mouth ] A little swig, now! [ to Larry, off-camera ] Alright, put the cuffs on him, Larry!
[ The camera cuts to a close-up of Shemp as he unwittingly glugs down the whole bottle ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] Alright, put the cuffs on him, Larry! Get a move-on, so he don’t get away!
LARRY: [ off-camera ] I’m handcuffin’ ‘im!
MOE: [ off-camera ] C’mon, Larry!
LARRY: [ off-camera ] I’m hurryin’! Relax!
[ Camera cuts over to Larry handcuffing the unconscious killer ]
LARRY: There we are!
[ Chopper crawls back out from under the table where he was hiding, and walks up to the unconscious killer ]
CHOPPER: [ to Larry ] Mmm! Serves him right! I wanted to get into the movies, and he spoiled my publicity stunt! [ angrily walks away ] HUMPH!
[ Larry stands up, dumbfounded, then walks over to Moe and Shemp ]
LARRY: Hey, Moe, we got them... [ looks at Shemp and pulls the whiskey bottle out of his mouth, which is now empty ]
[ Camera cuts to a close-up of the whiskey bottle, which says “OLD PANTHER WHISKEY†]
LARRY: Poor Shemp; he’s dead!
[ Shemp hiccups ]
MOE: Not dead -- Dead drunk!
[ Moe and Larry lift Shemp up ]
MOE: C’mon, kid. Take it easy.
SHEMP: Ohhh!
MOE: Take it easy!
SHEMP: He shot me!
MOE: Larry, quick! Get a doctor! Get an ambulance!
SHEMP: No, get a plumber! [ opens his suit coat and the whiskey gushes forth through the bullet holes in his chest ]
[ Moe and Larry look at this in surprise, then look at each other and shrug their shoulders. ]
LARRY: [ pulling out a shower cap ] It’s Saturday night!
[ Moe and Larry put on shower caps, then bathe in the fountain of whiskey as if they’re in a shower ]
[ THE END ]
SLICK CHICK....Connie Cezan
B.A. COPPER....Ferris Taylor
MAN WITH GLASSES....Murray Alper
CHOPPER....Phil Arnold
ANTONIO....Benny Rubin
[ The short opens with a close-up of a door labeled “POLICE STATION SECTION 13, DETECTIVE BUREAUâ€. Camera pans inside the detective station and shows Moe and Larry sitting at a table. Larry is getting a deck of cards ready and Moe is rolling a cigarette. The phone next to Moe suddenly jangles loudly, scaring him and causing him to drop his cigarette. ]
MOE: Hmm! That phone! [ picks up phone receiver ] Detective Bureau, Sgt. Moe speakin’! [ pause ] Yes, Collins? [ pause ] You say you don’t know what to do about a woman being annoyed by a man with a wooden leg by the name of Smith?! [ pause ] Well, find out the name of his other leg! [ hangs up phone ] I have to do everything around here!
LARRY: You know, my sister was engaged to a guy with a wooden leg.
MOE: Yeah, what happened?
LARRY: She broke it off.
MOE: The engagement?
LARRY: Nah, the leg.
MOE: Oh... [ does a double-take ] [ sarcastically ] Charming sister...
[ Shemp enters the detective station with a woman ]
SHEMP: Hiya, fellas.
MOE: Hiya, Shemp. [ looking at the woman ] What do ya got there?
SHEMP A dip!
SLICK CHICK: [ to Larry ] How dare you look like somebody I hate?! [ slaps Larry ]
SHEMP: [ grabbing the woman ] Go on!
[ Shemp and the woman walk over to a table as Larry looks over at the woman and holds his face in pain and confusion ]
SHEMP: Sit right down.
[ The woman sits down in a chair in front of the desk as Shemp sits in a chair behind the desk ]
SHEMP: [ picks up a pencil ] What’s the name?
SLICK CHICK: Chick.
SHEMP: [ writes it down on a piece of paper ] First name?
SLICK CHICK: Slick.
SHEMP: Oh, “Slick Chickâ€. Born?
SLICK CHICK: I think so.
SHEMP: Where were you born?
SLICK CHICK: In bed -- I wanted to be near my mother.
SHEMP: [ slams his pencil down in anger and stands up ] Listen, toots! You’re accused of pickin’ pockets!
SLICK CHICK: [ stands up and walks over to Shemp ] Now, don’t get excited, handsome.
SHEMP: [ taking off his hat ] Aw, gee... Thanks!
SLICK CHICK: [ runs her hand through Shemp’s hair ] You are handsome, you know. [ turns her head away from Shemp and grimaces ]
SHEMP: Aw, you just said that!
SLICK CHICK: No I didn’t!
SHEMP: Well, somebody just said it!
SLICK CHICK: You know, it’s ridiculous you’re accusing me of picking pockets. [ walks in front of Shemp and turns her back to the camera ] Look into my eyes.
SHEMP: You know, baby, you got the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen in my life! [ closes his eyes in delight ]
SLICK CHICK: [ turning back to the camera, revealing that she took some watches and jewelry out of Shemp’s pockets ] You know, I wouldn’t take anything from anybody. [ puts the jewelry in her purse ] Please tell me that you believe me innocent. Please say that you do.
SHEMP: [ opens his eyes ] I believe ya, baby! I believe ya!
SLICK CHICK: Oh, thanks. [ takes a cigarette out of her purse ] Got a match?
SHEMP: [ reaching in his pocket ] Certainly. [ pulls out a box of matches and hands it over to Slick Chick ] Here.
[ Camera cuts to a mouse crawling on the floor ]
SHEMP: [ pulling up his pant legs ] OH! A MOUSE! A MOUSE! [ jumps up on top of a chair ]
SLICK CHICK: AAH! AAH! A MOUSE! A MOUSE!
SHEMP: [ waving his hat toward the mouse ] GET! GET!
SLICK CHICK: Oh, oh, oh! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! [ lifts up her skirt a little and accidentally reveals plenty of stolen jewelry tied to her stockings ]
SHEMP: [ looks over at Slick Chick ] It’s alright, he’s... [ does a double-take when he sees all the jewelry ties to her legs ] Ohh! [ gets down from the chair and walks over to her ] One of those wise dames, eh? Thought you’d get away with it. C’mon, get it up! Get it up! [ a beat ] Gimme back my matches!
[ Slick Chick takes the box of matches out of her purse and gives it back to Shemp ]
SHEMP: SCRAM!
[ Slick Chick leaves ]
SHEMP: That’s how I got ‘em!
[ Shemp walks over to the table where Moe and Larry are in the middle of a card game, and he takes a seat. He picks up a card that happens to be an ace and quickly hides it in his pocket. ]
SHEMP: Uh... deal me in, fellas, will ya?
[ Moe and Larry slam their cards down on the table in anger ]
LARRY: Aww, I had a good hand!
[ Camera cuts over to a door labeled “B.A. COPPER CHIEF OF DETECTIVESâ€. The door opens and B.A. Copper appears. ]
B.A. COPPER: Hey, you guys! Get me the file on the Ambrose Rose murder case.
MOE: [ stands up ] Okay, chief. [ pulls Shemp up out of his chair ] Hey, you! Get that file!
SHEMP: Get it yourself!
MOE: [ pushing Shemp away ] Go on!
[ Shemp backs into a file cabinet and accidentally pushes in the middle drawer, which causes the top drawer to shoot out and knock Shemp down. Camera cuts over to Larry watching Shemp, then getting up and walking over to him ]
LARRY: [ pushing Shemp out of the way ] Step aside, nitwit! I''ll show ya how to do this! [ pushes the top drawer in, then the bottom drawer suddenly shoots out and strikes his leg ] OWWWW!!!! [ hops up and down in pain ]
[ Moe walks into the scene ]
MOE: A fine time to play Hopscotch! [ slaps Larry ] I have to do everything around here!
[ Larry and Shemp back away from Moe as he angrily throws his hat to the ground ]
MOE: Now pay attention you two pickle-brains and learn something. [ swiftly kicks the bottom drawer in, then quickly ducks before the top drawer can whack him in the head ] Ha, ha, ha! See! You have to use your brains! [ forgetting that he''s still crouching under the open top drawer, he stands back up and bangs his head on the drawer ] OWWW! OH! OH!
[ Shemp and Larry bring Moe back to ]
MOE: What happened? What happened???
SHEMP AND LARRY: You used your brains!
[ As he''s laughed at by Shemp and Larry, Moe fixes Shemp in the knee elbow-chin position. He then give a no-look bop to Larry''s head, which shuts his laughing up. ]
LARRY: [ holding face in pain ] OWW!
SHEMP: [ still in the knee-elbow-chin position ]: What happens with me?
MOE: Nothin''... [suddenly kicks Shemp in the leg, causing him to punch himself in the chin ]
SHEMP: OH!!!!!
[ Camera cuts over to B.A. Copper opening his door again ]
B.A. COPPER: Nevermind the files, boys. I didn’t know it, but I had ‘em all the time! Heh, heh, heh, heh!
[ Camera cuts back over to the Stooges ]
LARRY: Oh! He had the file all the time!
SHEMP: How do ya like that guy?
LARRY: Oh, what a dope!
SHEMP: How do ya like him?!
MOE: I don''t like him. Besides, I don''t like this [ pointing to the open file drawer ]. But it''s a matter of principle with me. I''m gonna shut that drawer if it''s the last thing I do!
Moe slams the drawer into Larry and Shemp''s fingers, which sends the drawer shooting back open again and crashing into Moe''s head.
SHEMP AND LARRY: OHH!!!
MOE (shaking his head in pain): That''s the last thing I''ll do...
[ Scene dissolves to the Stooges sitting back at the table, playing a game of cards ]
LARRY: [ throws cards down ] I’ll just see it. Three queens! [ reaches to pick up some chips ]
MOE: Wait a minute! [ puts his cards down ] 10’s full! [ reaches to pick up the chips ]
LARRY: Huh?!
SHEMP: Hold it! [ shows his cards ] Four aces! Pretty lucky, ain’t I? [ grabs the chips ] Ha, ha, ha, ha!
MOE: [ suspiciously ] Yeah!
B.A. COPPER: [ off-camera ] He can’t do this to me!
[ Camera cuts over to B.A. Copper’s door opening and Copper storming out of it while holding a newspaper in his hand ]
B.A. COPPER: I’ll do somethin’ about it! [ walks over to the Stooges as they get up from the table in fear ] Why you, no-good...! Playin’ cards while the whole town’s in an uproar! Listen to this -- [ reading from the newspaper ] “Slug McGurk killer still at large. ‘I’ll reshuffle the detective bureau,’ threatens police commissioner Ronald Shrinker.†[ to the Stooges ] If you guys think I am gonna take the wrap for this, you’re crazy! Now, I’ll give ya just 24 hours to catch the killer and get a confession, or I’ll throw all three of ya out of here!
MOE: Take is easy, boss. We’ll find him.
B.A. COPPER: Remember -- just 24 hours! Not one minute more!
[ Copper slams his hand on the edge of the table so hard, causing the other end of the table to shoot up and throw the Stooges’ cards and chips at him ]
B.A. COPPER: [ to the Stooges ] AAH! [ leaves ]
MOE: Larry, get down and get that guy in Cell #6.
[ Larry leaves ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Listen, we gotta do somethin’. Think! Think! Use your head!
SHEMP: Oh! [ begins pounding his head on the table repeatedly ]
MOE: Thatta boy! Think it up! Think hard! That’s it, kid! Harder!
SHEMP: [ stops pounding his head ] I got it!
MOE: What?!
SHEMP: A terrific headache!
MOE: Do you like sugar in your coffee?
SHEMP: I don’t drink coffee!
MOE: Well, here’s a "lump" for your cocoa! [ bops Shemp on the head ]
SHEMP: OOH!
[ Moe angrily walks over closer to Shemp ]
SHEMP: Waitaminnit, Moe, I wanna think. [ begins ‘eeb-eeb- eeb’-ing and clicking his tongue ] I can’t think! Will you loosen my scalp?
MOE: Sure! [ pulls up the top of Shemp’s hair and bonks him on the head repeatedly as Shemp rotates his body ] There! How’s that?
SHEMP: I’m gettin’ it! [ continues ‘eeb-eeb-eeb’-ing and clicking his tongue ] Moe, I got a thought in the back of my head.
MOE: Okay, I’ll knock it up front. [ bonks Shemp on the back of the head ]
SHEMP: Ohh! You knocked it out entirely. But I’ll get it! Eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb! [ stretches his left arm out and puts his hand on Moe’s shoulder ] Moe, I’m gonna think! [ rests his head on his stretched-out arm and begins to fall asleep ]
MOE: [ to off-camera ] Quiet, everybody! Genius at work!
[ Shemp begins snoring loudly ]
MOE: Think louder, kid!
[ Shemp snores even louder ]
MOE: [ plunking Shemp in the nose ] C’mon!
[ Shemp wakes up for a quick second and looks at Moe, then goes back to sleep ]
[ Camera cuts to a man with glasses slowly entering the detective station, looking around the place in confusion ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] Alright now, kid. Think it up! Think it up!
[ The man walks up to Moe ]
MAN WITH GLASSES: I...uh, I beg your pardon. Can I see you for a moment, please?
[ Moe walks up to the man ]
MOE: Can’t you see we’re busy?! You back here again?! I told ya a thousand times to stay outta here! [ grabs the man by the back of his suit and pushes him toward the door ] Now get out and stay out! [ kicks the man out the door ] Go on!
[ Camera cuts to Larry exiting a cell with a short, balding man ]
LARRY: Hey, fellas! I got Chopper!
[ Moe and Shemp walk over to them and Moe pulls up a chair ]
LARRY: Get ‘im over here!
MOE: [ to Chopper ] Sit down!
[ Chopper sits down on the chair; Larry brings over a lamp and places it behind Chopper’s seat, then turns it on, shining the light on Chopper’s head ]
MOE: Now listen, Chopper, we’re not gonna waste any time on you!
SHEMP: The body of your friend, Slug McGurk, was found wrapped up in newspapers. Now, I know you can’t believe everything you see in the newspapers, but the fact remains he’s dead!
LARRY: Are you guilty or not guilty?
CHOPPER: I am the culprit who perpetrated this heinous incident...
LARRY: Stop evadin’ the question!
MOE: Larry, beat ‘im with the hose!
[ Larry pulls out one women’s hose from his pocket ]
CHOPPER: Oh, no! Not that! Oh, please! Please! Not that! No!
[ Larry begins beating Chopper with the hose ]
CHOPPER: OOH! OH!
MOE: That’s enough!
[ Larry stops ]
MOE: I don’t want you to bruise ''im!
SHEMP: [ to Chopper ] Now, are you guilty or not guilty?
CHOPPER: Indubitably!
SHEMP: Oh, so you still won’t talk, eh?!
CHOPPER: But gentlemen, I reiterate...
MOE: Not in here, you won’t!
CHOPPER: Nevertheless, I reiterate -- indubitably! [ folds his arms across his chest ] There!
MOE: Larry, take him away! He refuses to sing!
LARRY: [ grabbing Chopper by the shoulder ] C’mon.
CHOPPER: [ looking up in the air ] Is there no justice?!
LARRY: [ taking Chopper away ] C’mon!
MOE: Get outta here!
[ As Larry takes Chopper back to the cell, he stops when he sees a pretty secretary walking out of the cell ]
LARRY: Hiya, babe! -- Wait a minute! [ to Chopper ] Stay here! [ walks up to the secretary and kisses her on the lips ]
[ The secretary angrily walks away as Larry continues to stand there with his eyes closed and his lips puckered, waiting for another kiss ]
LARRY: [ walking up to the secretary ] Hey, babe, you forgot somethin’!
[ The secretary slaps Larry ]
LARRY: That’s what you forgot!
[ Larry begins to walk in the cell by himself before he realizes he forgot Chopper, who’s crying with his head slumped on the top of a pile of boxes next to the cell ]
LARRY: [ grabbing Chopper ] Tryin’ to get away, eh? [ bringing Chopper into the cell ] C’mon, you! Wiseguy, eh?
[ Camera cuts over to Moe and Shemp walking around in circles as Shemp ‘eeb-eeb-eeb’s quietly to himself ]
MOE: WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING!
[ Shemp gets startled by Moe’s sudden outburst and stops walking back and forth. After he and Moe look at each other for a few seconds in silence, they continue walking back and forth until the phone jangles loudly a few seconds later, starling them. Moe angrily picks up the phone as Shemp pours himself a glass of water to calm himself. ]
MOE: Detective Bureau! [ pause ] Yes, this is Sgt. Moe! [ pause, then changes his angry tone-of-voice to a kinder tone ] Oh, hello, dear! [ pause ] Why, of course, dear! [ pause ] Oh, sure, you’ve got nothin’ to worry about. Goodbye, sweetheart!
[ Moe hangs up the phone, then turns to Shemp, who’s drinking his glass of water ]
MOE: That was the mayor.
SHEMP: Oh, she’s a wonderful woman.
MOE: And not bad to look at... [ yelling in Shemp’s face ] WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!?
[ Shemp spits water right in Moe’s face ]
SHEMP: Oh, take it easy! Take it easy! [ slaps Moe on the face repeatedly to dry him off ] You’re all dry now!
MOE: [ reaching over to strangle Shemp ] MMM!
SHEMP: Hey, wait a minute! We forgot the main witness; he’s down one of the cells.
MOE: How long has he been there?
SHEMP: About four weeks!
MOE: Go on down and bring him up if he’s still alive! [ pushing Shemp away ] Go ahead!
SHEMP: Alright! [ leaves ]
[ The telephone jangles loudly once again and scares Moe. He angrily picks it up. ]
MOE: Hello?! Yeah?! Detective bureau, Sgt. Moe speakin!! [ pause ] Oh, wait a minute, Clancy! [ sits down behind a desk ] Go ahead! [ pause ] You say there’s a dead horse on Ticonderoga Street?! [ pause, then picks up a pencil and begins to write down ] How do you spell “Ticonderoga� [ pause ] Oh, you don’t know, either? Well, drag him over to First Street! [ hangs up ] I have to think of everything! [ slams his pencil down ]
[ Camera cuts over to Shemp and Larry exiting the cell with a man who has a monkey on his shoulder ]
SHEMP: Go ahead! Get goin’ there!
[ Moe walks up to them and brings over a chair ]
MOE: [ to the man ] Sit down!
[ The man puts his monkey down on a table, then sits down on the chair ]
MOE: [ to Shemp and Larry ] What is this?!
SHEMP: He’s the Italian organ grinder -- Antonio Zucchini Salami Gorgonzola DePizza!
LARRY: [ grimacing, holding his chest in disgust ] Sounds like a bad meal!
MOE: Alright, Tony, where were you on the night of October the 13th? Now speak up, paisan!
ANTONIO: [ with British accent ] I say, old chappies! It was a beastly night, if I remember correctly, and I was in the home of Mrs. Van Zyrick, the oil heiress. I stopped there for a spot of tea -- and a crumpet!
[ The Stooges look at each other, surprised by Antonio’s British accent ]
MOE: Mmm-mmm! Well, what were you doin’ at the time of the murder?!
ANTONIO: Well, we had a glass of... [ does a double-take ] "MURDER"?!? [ gets up from his chair and runs towards the door ] Good gracious, let me out of here! I detest blood! Ew! Ew! [ leaves ]
LARRY: That settles it! Slowly but surely, we’ll tighten the news around Chopper’s neck. That’s evidence!
MOE: Yeah. Did you put it down?
LARRY: No, I couldn’t find a pencil!
MOE: [ slaps Larry ] Go on! [ to Shemp ] Did you?
SHEMP: No.
[ Moe slaps Shemp ]
SHEMP AND LARRY: Did you?!
MOE: [ slapping Shemp and Larry ] No!
[ Shemp gives Moe the hand movement ]
MOE: Go on! Fill out that report! [ turns his back on Shemp ]
[ Shemp sticks his tongue at Moe behind his back, but Moe gives him a no-look bop on the head ]
SHEMP: OOH!
MOE: [ grabbing Larry by the hair ] C’mon, you! Get goin’! [ he and Larry leave ]
SHEMP: [ walking over to his desk ] Always pickin’ on people! [ sits down behind his desk and begins writing ]
[ Antonio’s monkey, who Antonio forgot to bring with him when he left, crawls over to under Shemp’s table and begins tying Shemp’s shoelaces together ]
SHEMP: [ while writing ] “Antonio Zucchini Salami...â€
[ The phone on Shemp’s desk rings; Shemp picks it up ]
SHEMP: Hello? [ pause ] Oh, yeah, Joe. Look -- release that guy who stole those 11 bottles of whiskey. [ pause ] I know he’s guilty, but the D.A. says we can’t make a case out of 11 bottles! [ hangs up, then continues writing ]
[ Camera cuts over to the monkey finishing up tying Shemp’s shoelaces together ]
SHEMP: [ off-camera ] “Had tea at the...â€
[ Camera cuts back over to Shemp ]
SHEMP: [ stops writing and looks over his desk ] Where’d I put that at? [ looks at a piece of paper stuck in between a thin needle ] Oh, here it is. [ holds the bottom of the needle and yanks the paper from it, causing himself to accidentally smack his face with the paper ] Ohh! [ looking at the needle ] I better put oil on that thing... [ moves the needle over to the side, then continues writing ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] Hey, Shemp! Come here! Hurry!
SHEMP: [ gets up from the desk and begins walking ] Ah, you’re always call... [ falls flat on the ground, due to his shoelaces being tied together ] Ooh! Mmm! [ looks at his feet and notices his shoelaces tied together ]
[ The monkey chirps in the background and Shemp looks over at him ]
SHEMP: Oh, you did it, ya little rascal! I’ll fix you! [ begins untying his shoes ]
[ Camera cuts to the monkey jumping on Shemp’s table and grabbing the paper needle, then placing it on Shemp’s chair ]
SHEMP: [ off-camera ] I’ll crush yer skull! I’ll mangle ya! [ straining ] Boy, is this knot tight!! [ pause ] There! It’s loose!
[ The monkey jumps off the table; Camera cuts back over to Shemp getting up from the floor and walking over to his desk ]
SHEMP: That cockeyed monkey! I’ll flatten ‘im! Believe me, I’ll... [ sits down on top of the paper needle ] OWWWW!!!!! I’M LOSING MY MIND!!! AAAHHHHHHH!!! [ pulls the needle out of his behind ] OOH! OOH! [ holds the needle in front of him and jumps in shock when he sees that it’s now bent due to him sitting on top of it ] I must have iron in my blood! [ looks over and notices the monkey standing by the wall, laughing at him ] “Monkey†with me, will ya? I’ll fix ya!
[ As Shemp walks over to grab a bat, the monkey jumps on top of the table. Shemp turns back and can’t see the monkey, so he looks everywhere around the area, except on the table. Then Shemp bends below the table and looks over there. As he sticks his head out from under the table and looks up, he finally sees the monkey on top of his desk. Shemp spits on both of his hands, then grabs the bat ]
[ Moe walks back into the scene and looks over at the end of the desk at Shemp as the monkey leaves the scene. Shemp jumps over the end of the desk and swings the bat at Moe, breaking it over his head ]
SHEMP: [ runs over to Moe ] Oh, Moe! Moe! I meant to hit the other monkey!
MOE: That’s alright, kid. I know...
SHEMP: [ relieved ] Oh! You’re not sore, then?
MOE: No!
SHEMP: Well, that’s fine! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
MOE: Ha, ha, ha, ha!
SHEMP: That was a mighty swipe, wasn’t it?
MOE: Yeah! [ suddenly reaches over to eyepoke Shemp ] Why, you...
SHEMP: [ blocks Moe’s eyepoke with his hand ] Ha, ha! I fooled ya, didn’t I?
MOE: Yeah... [ eyepokes Shemp with each index finger ]
SHEMP: OHH!! OHH!
[ Moe begins twirling Shemp’s tie ]
SHEMP: Look out! Let go! Ohh! Ohh! [ helplessly twirls his head along with his tie ] Don’t spin me, Moe! Don’t spin me!
[ Camera cuts to Larry exiting the cell with Chopper ]
LARRY: [ to Moe ] Hey, Sarge! Chopper wants to confess!
MOE: [ pulling out a chair ] C’mon. Sit him down here!
[ Chopper sits down on the chair ]
CHOPPER: Write down my confession, please.
[ Larry takes out a pad and pen ]
SHEMP: Start talkin’!
CHOPPER: I...
MOE: [ slapping Chopper on the head ] Wait a minute! [ to Larry ] Take it down in shorthand!
LARRY: [ pulls his arm and hand up close to his shoulder ] Right!
[ The suspicious man with glasses from earlier in the film walks back into the station and overhears the Stooges and Chopper ]
CHOPPER: I, Gilbraith Q. Tiddlewatter, herewith confess that I did willfully kill one Slug McGurk!
MAN WITH GLASSES: Just a moment!!
[ The Stooges and Chopper look over at the man ]
MAN WITH GLASSES: I killed Slug McGurk and nobody’s gonna take away the glory from me! I’m a thrill killer, [ whips off his glasses and takes a gun out of his suit ] and I’m gonna get the rest of you guys!
ALL STOOGES AND CHOPPER: [ running away ] WHOOOAAAAAAA!!!
[ The man begins firing the gun all over the place as the Stooges and Chopper try to hide ]
[ As Larry jumps on top of a table, he gets shot in the behind ]
LARRY: YEEEOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!
[ Camera cuts to the monkey hiding in a garbage can ]
[ Camera cuts to Moe running over to a chair and hiding behind it ]
[ Camera cuts to Shemp jumping behind his desk. After a few seconds, he holds a flag up behind the desk and waves it, but the killer shoots the flag off the stick. Shemp sticks his head up and twitches in shock when he sees the top of the flag is missing. Then Shemp tries to crawl away, but he accidentally hits his head on the file cabinet ]
SHEMP: OHH!
[ Camera cuts over to the killer shooting various stuff on the desk that Larry is hiding under, including an ink bottle. The ink bottle shatters and the ink spills all on top of Larry’s head. Larry looks up as he feels this, and then the ink spills on his face. ]
[ Camera cuts over to Moe peeking from behind a chair. The killer fires his gun towards him and shoots Moe’s tie off. ]
MOE: Nyah! NYAA-AAA-AAAAH!
[ Camera cuts over to B.A. Copper’s door opening and Copper peeking outside of it ]
B.A. COPPER: What’s goin’ on here?!
[ The killer fires towards B.A. Copper and shoots his toupee off ]
B.A. COPPER: YUGH! [ running back in his office ]
[ Camera cuts to the killer firing his gun at a garbage can and shooting the monkey out of it. The monkey screeches in fear, then hides inside of a drawer. ]
[ Camera cuts to the killer shooting at one end of the file cabinet, where Shemp is hiding on the opposite side. A drawer gets shot open and bumps into Shemp’s head. ]
SHEMP: OHH! OHH! This is dangerous! [ begins crawling away ]
[ The monkey peers out of the drawer he was hiding in, and reveals a gun in his hands. He fires the gun at Shemp, shooting him in the behind. ]
SHEMP: OHH! OHH! OHH!!! [ dragging his behind on the ground ] OW-OW-OW-OW-OW!!
[ Shemp stands up and looks in the open file drawer, then reaches in and pulls out a gun. He sneaks behind the killer, who’s still shooting all over the place, and kicks him in the behind. The killer angrily turns to him, but raises his arms in the air when he sees the gun in Shemp’s hand ]
SHEMP: So you’re the killer, eh? Well, I’m gonna let ya have it! [ pulls the trigger of the gun, but a “BANG†flag pops out instead of bullets ]
[ The killer lowers his hands from the air and then shoots Shemp right in the chest several times as he backs away off camera ]
[ Camera cuts to the killer backing all the way into a wall and almost knocking himself out, but he still continues firing his gun ]
[ Camera cuts to Shemp holding his chest in pain. He spins around in circles, then drops on the floor, and begins spinning around on the floor like a top. Then he flops his body up and down on the floor like a fish ]
[ Camera cuts over to the monkey pointing his gun in the air, then firing it. It shoots at three bowling balls on top of a shelf. The bowling balls roll off the shelf and fall down below on the killer’s head, making a sound like the NBC-gong sound. The killer gets knocked him out and Larry runs over to him. ]
LARRY: Got ‘im!
[ Camera cuts over to Shemp lying down on the floor as Moe runs up to him ]
MOE: Take it easy, kid! Take it easy!
SHEMP: He got me!
MOE: [ sitting Shemp up ] Okay, here! [ opens a whiskey bottle ] Take a swig of this. [ puts the opening of the bottle in Shemp’s mouth and holds the bottom of it up so the drink goes down Shemp’s mouth ] A little swig, now! [ to Larry, off-camera ] Alright, put the cuffs on him, Larry!
[ The camera cuts to a close-up of Shemp as he unwittingly glugs down the whole bottle ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] Alright, put the cuffs on him, Larry! Get a move-on, so he don’t get away!
LARRY: [ off-camera ] I’m handcuffin’ ‘im!
MOE: [ off-camera ] C’mon, Larry!
LARRY: [ off-camera ] I’m hurryin’! Relax!
[ Camera cuts over to Larry handcuffing the unconscious killer ]
LARRY: There we are!
[ Chopper crawls back out from under the table where he was hiding, and walks up to the unconscious killer ]
CHOPPER: [ to Larry ] Mmm! Serves him right! I wanted to get into the movies, and he spoiled my publicity stunt! [ angrily walks away ] HUMPH!
[ Larry stands up, dumbfounded, then walks over to Moe and Shemp ]
LARRY: Hey, Moe, we got them... [ looks at Shemp and pulls the whiskey bottle out of his mouth, which is now empty ]
[ Camera cuts to a close-up of the whiskey bottle, which says “OLD PANTHER WHISKEY†]
LARRY: Poor Shemp; he’s dead!
[ Shemp hiccups ]
MOE: Not dead -- Dead drunk!
[ Moe and Larry lift Shemp up ]
MOE: C’mon, kid. Take it easy.
SHEMP: Ohhh!
MOE: Take it easy!
SHEMP: He shot me!
MOE: Larry, quick! Get a doctor! Get an ambulance!
SHEMP: No, get a plumber! [ opens his suit coat and the whiskey gushes forth through the bullet holes in his chest ]
[ Moe and Larry look at this in surprise, then look at each other and shrug their shoulders. ]
LARRY: [ pulling out a shower cap ] It’s Saturday night!
[ Moe and Larry put on shower caps, then bathe in the fountain of whiskey as if they’re in a shower ]
[ THE END ]
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