Lobby Cards: The Classic Comedies (The Michael Hawks Collection: Volume II)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2003-07-20
IDIOTS DE LUXE
[ The short opens inside of a courtroom. Moe is in the witness stand arguing with Curly and Larry, who are standing outside the stand. The judge is repeatedly banging his gavel, trying to break up the argument ]
JUDGE: Order in the court! Order in the court!
BAILIFF: [ pushing Curly and Larry away ] Break it up! Break it up, you guys! Break it up! Go on over where you belong!
[ Curly and Larry walk back to their seats ]
MOE: Yeah, go on where ya belong!
BAILIFF: [ sitting Moe down ] Hey, you, sit down!
JUDGE: [ to Curly and Larry ] Don’t interfere again! [ to Moe ] Mr. Moe, you’re accused of assaulting your two roommates with intent to commit mayhem.
CURLY: [ standing up from his chair ] You mean moider!
LARRY: [ standing up ] Yeah, and he tried to kill us, too!
MOE: [ banging the judge’s gavel ] Quiet! [ puts the gavel down ]
JUDGE: [ reads a paper ] This complaint complains that you...attacked the plaintiffs with this [ holds up an axe ]. States “Exhibit Aâ€. You admit this is your property, do you not?
MOE: Well, your honor, do you mind if I look at it? [ stands up and picks up the axe ] You see, I had my name carved somewhere on the... [ holds the axe over his shoulder and accidentally hits the bailiff on the head with it ]
BAILIFF: AUGH!
JUDGE: Oh, a born killer, eh? Sit down!
MOE: [ sits back down ] But, your honor, if you let me tell my side of the story...
JUDGE: You mean you have something to say in extenuation?
MOE: Oh, not that! No, no! Not that, your honor! You see, I had a good reason!
JUDGE: Were you ever indicted?
MOE: [ coyly ] Not since I was a baby, your honor!
[ The judge gets a strange look on his face ]
MOE: But I’m a sick man. A very sick man! And I had two very serious operations. [ stands up and pulls up his shirt a little ] And this one here for crushed grape seeds. Right here.
JUDGE: Oh, I have one exactly like that!
MOE: You have?!
JUDGE: Yeh -- let me show it to you! [ stands up and pulls up his shirt a little ] Look. See here?
MOE: Oh, that’s a bum job. That’s like hem-stitching with a pique edge. Ha, ha, ha, ha!
JUDGE: [ does a double-take ] Yeh -- sit down; we’ll continue with the testimony!
[ The judge and Moe both pull their shits back down, then sit down ]
MOE: As I said before, your honor...
JUDGE: Yeah?
MOE: ...I’m a very sick man. And my doctor prescribed peace and quiet. He impressed me that it must be quiet.
[ Dissolve to Moe’s flashback ]
[ We see a close-up of one hand holding a spoon, and the other hand picking up a bottle labeled “NEVER TONICâ€. The hand tries to pour the nerve tonic into the spoon, but his hands shake all over the place, causing the tonic to spill all over the table. The camera pans back farther and we that it’s Moe, sitting on a couch at home, wearing a robe and with a towel tied around his head ]
MOE: [ to off-camera ] Quiet! QUIET!
[ Briefly cut to a cat crawling on the floor near Moe ]
MOE: Quit stomping around! SCAT!
[ Moe takes the towel off of his head and throws it at the cat off-camera, followed by sounds of the cat meowing in pain ]
MOE: [ with shaky hands ] Oh, my nerves! Ohh! [ picks up a thermometer ] I must have 106 and 7/8ths! [ puts the thermometer in his mouth ] Mmm. [ feels his pulse ] Mmm.
[ Suddenly, loud music starts playing off-camera, scaring Moe and causing him to bite his thermometer in half ]
[ Cut to Curly and Larry standing in front of a drum that says “THE ORIGINAL TWO-MAN QUARTET; Larry is playing the clarinet and drums at the same time, Curly is playing the trombone and occasionally smashes a cymbal with his head and beats a kettle drum with a stick tied to his side ]
MOE: QUIET! QUIET, YOU IMBECILES!
[ Curly puts the trombone slide out during one note and the slide flies off of the trombone and into the next room, lodging around Moe’s neck. Curly and Larry stop playing ]
CURLY: [ to Larry ] Hey, did you see that slide?
LARRY: [ pointing to the next room ] Must’ve gone in there.
[ Curly and Larry walk inside the room that Moe is in and search around for the trombone slide. Moe has the slide in his hands, and hides it behind his back when Curly and Larry walk over to him ]
CURLY: Hey, did you see a trombone slide anyplace?
MOE: Why, yes! [ holds up the slide ] Is this it?
CURLY: Yeah! Gimme it!
MOE: You got it! [ ties the slide around Curly and Larry’s necks ]
CURLY AND LARRY: OOH!
MOE: Now play it, ya rats!
CURLY: UHH!
[ Curly and Larry untie the slide from their necks ]
MOE: [ sits down ] My nerves! [ drinks from a medicine bottle ]
LARRY: [ to Moe ] You’re ungrateful! Just when we were gonna take you on a trip, too.
MOE: [ standing up ] What kind of a trip?!
CURLY: A hunting trip. Where you can commute with nature. Live in the outdoors. Breathe fresh air. [ takes a deep breath of the air, then begins coughing ]
LARRY: [ to Moe ] It’ll make a new man outta ya. Picture yourself in the great outdoors, under the beautiful blue sky.
MOE: [ looking up and visualizing the scenery ] Wonderful!
LARRY: An open campfire blazing away. And off in the distance, we hear the call of the wolf.
[ Curly wolf-whistles loudly ]
LARRY: Quiet, wolf! [ bonks Curly on the head ]
CURLY: OOH! Why you! [ bonks Larry on the head with a stick ]
LARRY: OOH!!
MOE: Don’t excite me! Don’t excite me! [ sits down ]
LARRY: You wanna go?
MOE: My pills! My medicine!
[ Curly pours a few pills in his hand ]
MOE: First, the blue one!
[ Curly puts the pills in his own mouth ]
MOE: No, me! Me!
LARRY: Him! Him!
[ Curly pours all the pills in the bottle down Moe’s mouth, as Larry begins doing the same with another bottle ]
MOE: The red one! The red one! That’s enough! The red one! The red one!
[ Curly pours liquid medicine down Moe’s mouth ]
LARRY: Swallow!
[ Dissolve to Curly and Larry outside of a cabin in the woods, loading luggage out of their car. Curly is humming to himself. Moe, with his hands still jittering, steps out of the cabin ]
MOE: C’mon, get a move-on. Grub’ll be ready in a minute. [ goes back in the cabin ]
CURLY: Okay.
LARRY: I’m sure glad we found this old cabin.
[ Briefly cut to Moe walking over to the stove in the cabin and beginning to cook ]
LARRY: [ pushing Curly ] Get busy there!
CURLY: HMM! [ lifts a shovel over his shoulder and accidentally hits Larry on the head ]
LARRY: OOH!
[ A bell rings off-camera ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] Come and get it!
LARRY: Alright. [ to Curly ] C’mon, you!
[ Curly and Larry grab all the luggage and head towards the cabin door. ]
[ Cut to inside the cabin where Curly and Larry walk in ]
CURLY: Oh, boy! Hot groceries!
LARRY: I’m starvin’!
[ Curly and Larry throw all the luggage down on the floor and run up to the table where there are a few plates of bread and various bottles of sauces and dressings ]
LARRY: [ to Moe, off-camera ] Get that food on! C’mon!
[ Curly and Larry sit down and begin spreading mayonnaise their bread ]
LARRY: There oughta be plenty of shooting around here. This is game country!
CURLY: How do you know?
LARRY: I just saw a sign, “Fine for Huntingâ€!
CURLY: I think you got somethin’ there!
LARRY: Yes, I have.
[ Moe walks over to the table and lays down a plate of scrambled eggs ]
MOE: Scrambled eggs -- and don’t touch ‘em until I come back with the potatoes! [ walks off-camera ]
[ Curly and Larry wave their arms at Moe, then pour various sauces and dressings on their bread ]
LARRY: [ opening one bottle ] I ain’t seen this in years!
[ A bear sticks his head inside the window next to Curly and Larry and licks the scrambled eggs off the plate, then leaves, without Curly and Larry even noticing ]
LARRY: [ to Curly ] Hey, there’s somethin’ missin’ on this. [ pause ] It’s sugar! I know; I’ll go get some! [ leaves ]
[ Moe, with a plate of potatoes, walks up to the table and notices the plate with scrambled eggs is now empty. He puts the plate of potatoes down, then grabs Curly up out of his seat ]
MOE: You worm! Where’s your manners?! Why didn’t you leave me some of them eggs?!
[ Cut to a close-up of the bear sticking his head in the window again and eating the potatoes from the plate ]
CURLY: [ off-camera ] I didn’t touch ‘em...
MOE: [ off-camera ] Aw, shutup, and don’t make things worse! The next time a thing like that happens, I’ll gauge your eyes out!
CURLY: [ off-camera ] But you...
MOE: [ off-camera ] I’ll tear your tonsils out! You ain’t supposed to eat until we’re all seated, and everybody has an equal chance!
[ Cut back to Curly and Moe ]
CURLY: Aw, shutup! [ sticks out his tongue ] Ehh!
[ Moe grabs a bottle of salt ]
MOE: What’d you say?
CURLY: [ sticks out his tongue ] Ehh!
[ Moe pours a whole bunch of salt on Curly tongue ]
CURLY: EELLH! [ spitting out the salt ] BLGGHMM!
[ Briefly cut to the bear now finished with all the potatoes and leaving from the window ]
MOE: Now behave yourself!
CURLY: You can take my word, Moe! I...
MOE: Your word’s no good! At least I’ll get my rightful share of those potatoes!
[ Moe walks over to the table where Larry is now sitting, and jumps in shock when he sees the potatoes are gone from the plate ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Oh, another chiseler, eh? [ slaps Larry ] Ah, what’s the matter with you?!
LARRY: Wait a minute, I didn’t do nothin’!
MOE: You didn’t do nothin’, eh? [ pointing to the empty plate ] You ate everything but the platter! Alright, now you’re full; you guys cook my breakfast! Boil me some noodles and fry me some eggs! [ pulls Larry up by the hair ]
LARRY: I wasn’t even here!!
MOE: Go on!
[ Larry walks off-camera ]
MOE: [ holding his hand to his chest ] Oh, my nerves! [ sits down ] My nerves!
[ Cut to Curly and Larry at the stove ]
CURLY: Get the spaghetti.
LARRY: Okay. [ grabs some noodles ]
CURLY: [ to Moe ] How do ya like the eggs?
MOE: Sunny side down, and don’t turn ‘em over!
[ Curly cracks a few eggs with a hammer, then stirs the eggs and eggshells in a pan with the hammer as Larry cooks the noodles in the background. They both turn and look at Moe angrily ]
MOE: [ looking around the table ] Where’s that fresh honey? [ picks up a glass of honey ] Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
[ Moe pours the honey on his bread, then puts the honey glass back down on the table. He adds some ketchup to the bread ]
MOE: If there’s anything I like better than honey and ketchup, it’s baloney and whipped cream -- and we haven’t got any! [ turns his back on the window next to the table and begins eating the bread while reading a newspaper ] I’d love that!
[ Cut to the bear climbing up to the window again and licking honey out of the glass for a few minutes. ]
[ Cut over to Curly and Larry at the stove. They’re done with the spaghetti, and Curly puts it in a bowl ]
CURLY: Nice spaghetti. [ turns over and sees the bear off- camera ] Nyaah-aah-aaah-aaah! [ accidentally tosses the spaghetti off-camera ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] Hey!
CURLY: [ looking at Moe off-camera ] NYAAAH!
[ Cut to a close-up of Moe with spaghetti all over his head, covering his face ]
[ Cut to the bear taking the now-empty glass of honey and crawling away from the window ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] You imbecile!
[ Cut back to the Stooges ]
MOE: [ throwing the spaghetti on his head onto Curly ] You’re a nitwit, that’s what you are! What’s the matta with you?!
CURLY: Hey, Moe, there’s a b-b-b-bear in the window!
MOE: You’re wacky! Whaddaya mean “bear in the window� There’s no bear around here!
[ Moe sticks his head out the window and the bear reaches over and slaps Moe on back of the head, then leaves ]
MOE: OOH! OH! [ sticks his head back inside the cabin ] You’re right; there is a bear around here! [ picks up a bear trap ] Here! [ handing it to Curly ] You take this bear trap. [ handing Larry a rifle ] You take this gun. Now go on out there and get ‘im. I’d go with ya, but my nerves are shot!
CURLY: I haven’t got the nerve, either!
MOE: [ picks up a fork and points it at Curly and Larry ] Go on, scat!
CURLY AND LARRY: [ running off-camera ] NYUUH-UUUH-UUUH!
MOE: [ holding his chest ] Ohh! Oh, my...
[ Cut to Curly and Larry slowly and fearfully walking outside the cabin. Larry has the rifle pointing straight at the back of Curly’s head ]
CURLY: Nyuuh-uuuh... [ turns and sees Larry’s rifle pointed at his face ] NYAAH! [ pushes Larry’s rifle away from his face ]
LARRY: Don’t be afraid; I’m right behind ya!
CURLY: Thanks!
[ Curly and Larry slowly walk off-camera, searching around for the bear ]
[ Cut to Moe inside the cabin ]
MOE: [ walking over to a chair ] ...and I got the chills again! [ picking up a fur coat on the chair ] Oh, my!
[ Cut back to Curly and Larry outside ]
CURLY: Hey, we’ll set a trap from here. When he comes back for lunch, we’ll get ‘im!
LARRY: Great!
[ Larry puts his rifle down and helps Curly set up the trap. ]
CURLY: Let’s camouflage it.
[ Larry and Curly begin picking up twigs and leaves from the ground. Meanwhile, the bear crawls back into the scene. ]
CURLY: I’d like to see the expression on that bear when he gets in that trap. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
[ Curly tries to pick up a twig that’s under the bears paw, and after having trouble getting it from under there, he notices that he’s touching a bear ]
CURLY: NYAH! [ looks at the bear ] Nyaah-aaah-aaah! [ backing away from the bear ] Aw-aw-aw-aw-aw-aw-aw-aw-aw-aw- aw-aw-aw!!
[ Larry looks over and notices the bear ]
LARRY: Nyaaah-aaaah-aaaaah-aaaah! [ jumps up into the window of the cabin and slams the window doors shut ]
[ Curly tries to jump into the window next, but he bumps into the closed door ]
CURLY: OOH-HOO-HOO-HOO! [ falls back and gets his behind caught in the bear trap ] Oh, he’s got me! YAAA-HAAAA- HAAA!! OH! Oh, Moe, Larry!
[ The bear crawls away as Curly stands up with his behind in the trap ]
CURLY: NYAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAAH-AAAAAH! OWWW-OW!
[ Cut to Moe and Larry inside the cabin ]
LARRY: You hear that? He’s got him! He’s got him!
MOE: You want the bear to eat him alive? Go out there and help him.
LARRY: That bear don’t need no help!
MOE: What are you, a coward?
LARRY: Yes!
MOE: Go on out and save ‘im!
LARRY: I’ll go, but my heart ain’t in it!
MOE: [ pushing Larry off-camera ] Go on! If I wasn’t afraid...I mean, if I wasn’t sick, I’d...I’d help ya, too! [ sits down ] How do ya like that? [ picks up his bottle of nerve tonic ] Afraid of a little teddy bear...
[ Cut to Larry walking outside the cabin door, followed by the bear crawling inside ]
[ Cut back to Moe taking a drink of the medicine. He looks over and notices the bear ]
MOE: NYAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAGH! [ gets up and hides behind the chair ]
[ The bear crawls over to a table with various medicine bottles and sniffs around it, then crawls out the window ]
[ Cut to Curly and Larry outside the cabin; Larry is trying to pull the trap off of Curly’s behind ]
CURLY: OOH! OOH-HOO! OOOOHH!
[ Larry finally gets the trap off ]
LARRY: There! It was only the trap! What’s the idea of scarin’ us half to death?
CURLY: The bear was here in person, I tell ya! I saw him with my eyes, I heard him with my ears, and it’s trap got me by the tail!
LARRY: Where did he go?
CURLY: [ pointing to the right side of the screen ] That way!
LARRY: [ walking towards the left, away from the bear ] C’mon.
[ Curly follows Larry and they both walk up to the cabin door and go inside. Curly looks off-camera and twitches in shock ]
[ Cut to Moe hiding behind a chair, with nothing but the back of his fur coat showing ]
CURLY: It’s the bear!
[ Larry points his gun at the fur coat and fires at it, shooting Moe’s behind ]
MOE: OOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!! OW-OW-OW! [ gets up from behind the fur coat and stand up, holding his behind in pain ] OOH! OOH!
CURLY: NYAAAAH-AAAAAH! It’s Moe! Hey, what are you doin’ here?
[ Curly and Larry walk over to Moe ]
CURLY: You look just like that bear!
MOE: Shaddap! [ grabs Larry’s rifle ] Gimme that gun!
LARRY: I didn’t do nothin’...
MOE: Shaddap!
[ Moe slams the rifle on the ground and accidentally fires it in the air, shooting through the ceiling. The Stooges back away as several broken ceiling pieces fall down in front of them, followed by a dead duck ]
MOE: [ picking up the duck ] Boy, a duck!
CURLY: That’s what I call huntin’! [ holds his hand under the hole in the ceiling ]
MOE: What are you doin’?
CURLY: Waitin’ for the dressing and the cranberry sauce!
[ Moe opens the dead duck’s beak and reaches over to squeeze Curly’s nose with it ]
[ Dissolve to the Stooges driving their car in the woods; Curly is driving, Larry is sitting in the passenger’s seat, and Moe in the back. Curly stops the car they get to a certain area ]
MOE: Isn’t this a pretty spot? What a place!
[ Curly and Larry get out of the car ]
CURLY: You sure you feel good enough to go hunting, Moe?
MOE: I feel wonderful! [ a beat ] Go on; you boys shoot your bear, I’ll wait here.
CURLY: Oh, still afraid, eh?
MOE: Afraid?! Me afraid?! [ angrily gets out of the car ] Now I’m mad! It’s either the bear or me! Go ahead, I’ll bring up the rear in case he attacks from behind. Go ahead!
[ Curly holds his rifle over his shoulder and turns to the side, causing the rifle to hit Moe on the head ]
MOE: OH!
[ The Stooges slowly walk into the woods in a line, with Curly in front, Larry in the middle, and Moe at the end. They pass by a sign that says “NO SMOKING NO HUNTING NO FISHING NO NOTHING GO HOME†]
[ Cut to Curly walking up to a branch. He pushes it in front of him as he passes, then ducks and releases it, causing it to swish backwards and smack Larry in the face ]
LARRY: OHH!
[ Larry does the same with the branch and causes it to hit Moe in the face ]
MOE: OOH! Why don’t you fellas be careful? Get down!
[ The Stooges crouch down as they continue walking. They come across the bear again, in front of them ]
MOE AND LARRY: [ running away ] YAAAH-AAAAH!
CURLY: Nyaah-aah-aah! [ looking behind him ] Hey, fellas, I got the... [ notices Moe and Larry are gone ] Hmm! [ to the bear ] RUFF!! RUFF!! RUFF!! RUFF!!
[ The bear whimpers away in fear like a dog, and crawls inside of a cave ]
CURLY: Hmm! [ to Moe and Larry off-camera ] Hey, you cowards, come back here! He’s a coward, too! [ waves his finger off-camera at the bear ] HMM!
[ Curly walks over to the outside of the cave and Moe and Larry follow him ]
CURLY: He went in there.
MOE: Well, go on after him. What’s stoppin’ ya?
CURLY: The bear!
MOE: Why you! [ reaches to eyepoke Curly ]
[ Curly blocks Moe’s fingers from his eyes with his rifle ]
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk nyuk, nyuk...
MOE: [ slapping Curly ] Go on!
LARRY: Hey, wait a minute! [ pointing to several big rocks on the floor ] Look at these rocks. Let’s barricade the cave and smother him to death.
MOE: I think you got a little piece of brain now! [ pats Larry on the head ] Huh! Okay, let’s go.
[ The Stooges pick up several rocks and begin piling them in front of the cave opening ]
MOE: [ handing Curly a rock ] Here ya are.
[ Curly takes the rock ]
LARRY: Here’s one! Catch it! [ crouches forward and holds the rock between his legs like a football ] Signal!
[ Larry throws the rock behind him from under his legs and it hits Moe on back of the head ]
MOE: Uhhh... [ falls on the ground, unconscious ]
CURLY: [ turning towards Moe ] Hey, Moe, I... [ notices Moe on the ground ] NYUUUUHHH!! [ to Larry ] Hey, Larry! Hey, Larry! Moe’s fainted!
[ Larry runs over to Curly ]
LARRY: Oh, the excitement was too much for him. Let’s get him back to the car.
CURLY: C’mon.
[ Larry lifts the knocked-out Moe up by the legs and Curly grabs his up by the head, then they both carry him ]
LARRY: Take it easy.
[ Curly and Larry carry Moe over to the car, then stop ]
LARRY: Okay.
[ They begin swinging Moe ]
LARRY: One...two...three!
[ They toss Moe into the backseat of the car ]
LARRY: Now, rest easy!
[ They walk away from the car and walk back over to the cave ]
CURLY: Let’s get the cave blocked up before the bear gets out.
LARRY: Okay!
[ Briefly cut over to the bear crawling outside the cave from another end ]
LARRY: Hey, catch!
[ Larry tosses a big rock over to Curly, knocking him down ]
CURLY: Why you! [ throws a rock at Larry’s behind ]
LARRY: OH! Oh, you wanna play, eh? [ picks a big rock and throws it at Curly ]
CURLY: [ ducking ] NO!
[ The rock misses Curly and flies over to the bear and knocks him out instead ]
CURLY: [ to Larry ] Hey, you! This is no time to play games! [ turning around ] I have... [ notices the knocked- out bear ] Woo! [ walks over to the bear ] Hey, Larry! We got him! We got him!
[ Larry walks over ]
CURLY: Look!
LARRY: Uh...are you sure he’s dead?
CURLY: Soitenly! If you don’t believe me, put your head to his chest and listen to his heart!
[ Larry reluctantly begins walking over to the bear ]
LARRY: [ stopping ] I’ll take your word for it. Say, he’ll make a beautiful rug. Do you know a taxidermist?
CURLY: Soitenly! My cousin Willy from Pittsburgh; he drives a taxi.
LARRY: Taxidermist! Taxidermist!
CURLY: “Taxidermist†to you, too! C’mon, help me put him in the car.
[ Curly and Larry begin to pick up the bear ]
[ Dissolve to Curly and Larry driving in their car through the woods ]
LARRY: Oh, boy! We got a bear -- a great, big bear without firing a single shot! That’s what I call hunting!
[ Cut over to the unconscious Moe in the back seat of the car coming back to. The bear, who’s also in the back seat, comes back to as well and scares Moe ]
MOE: NYAAAAH! [ jumps out of the back of the car and crashes on the ground ] OOH! OOH! Oh, my nerves!
[ Cut back to Curly and Larry in the car. The bear in the back seat smacks Curly on the head ]
CURLY: OOH! Hmm! [ to Larry ] Cut it out!
LARRY: Cut what out?
CURLY: Don’t be cute!
[ The bear smacks Curly on the head again ]
CURLY: OH! HMMMM!
[ The bear smacks Larry on the head ]
LARRY: OOH! [ to Curly ] What’s the idea of hittin’ me on the head?!
CURLY: I hit you because you hit me! [ does a double-take ] I didn’t hit you!
LARRY: Oh, yes you did! You hit me but I didn’t hit you!
CURLY: Aw, skip it!
[ The bear smacks Curly on the head again and knocks his head into Larry’s ]
CURLY: OOH-HOO-HOO! See, you did it again! Ho... [ notices that Larry’s hands are in his lap ] Hey, how could you hit me over here if your hands in your lap?
LARRY: Yeah!
CURLY: What a dope I am!
LARRY: I’ll say!
CURLY: It was Moe all the time! [ turning to the back seat ] Listen, I got...
[ Curly and Larry notice the bear ]
CURLY AND LARRY: NYAAAAAH!
[ Curly and Larry jump out of the car and fall flat on the ground as the car drives away off-camera by itself. As Curly and Larry sit up on the ground and dust themselves off, Curly looks off-camera in shock ]
CURLY: [ pointing off-camera ] LOOK!
[ Cut to the car where the bear is now driving; he sticks out his left arm as he makes a left turn ]
[ Cut back to Curly and Larry; we hear the car screeching in the background, then a loud crash. Curly and Larry both twitch in shock ]
[ Cut back to the car, which is now crashed into a cave. The bear climbs out the car and crawls away, followed by Curly and Larry running up to the wrecked car ]
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! What’ll Moe say when he sees this?
LARRY: You forget -- [ sadly ] Moe is no longer with us; the bear ate him up!
[ Curly and Larry both take off their hats and look down at the ground ]
[ Cut to Moe angrily peeking behind a cave at Curly and Larry, then sneaking off-camera towards them, with an axe in his hand ]
CURLY: [ off-camera ] Poor Moe!
LARRY: [ off-camera ] Oh, woe is Moe!
[ Cut back to Curly and Larry, where Moe sneaks up to them ]
MOE: Oh, woe is you! [ swings his axe towards Larry ]
LARRY: [ ducking ] WHOA, MOE!
[ Moe misses Larry and accidentally hits Curly on top of the head with the axe instead ]
[ Cut to a close-up of Curly holding his head in pain ]
CURLY: OOH! OOH-HOO! OOOOHHHH! [ looks at Moe’s axe off- camera ] Oh, look!
[ Camera pans over to Moe, who holds up his axe and jumps in shock when he sees that the blade is now split due to Curly’s hard head ]
[ Dissolve back to the present day courtroom scene where Moe has just finished his flashback ]
MOE: ...and now my doctor says I’ll have to go back to bed for six months!
[ The judge shakes his head in pity ]
JUDGE: I find the defendant not guilty. [ bangs gavel ] Case dismissed.
[ Moe’s sad mood quickly changes into a happy one ]
MOE: [ standing up ] Thank you, your honor!
JUDGE: You’re entirely welcome.
MOE: [ pointing to the axe ] Do you mind if I have Exhibit A back again, your honor?
JUDGE: Certainly not. Help yourself.
MOE: [ grabbing the axe ] Thank you, your honor! [ walks off-camera ]
[ Cut to Curly and Larry standing up from their chairs in anger and walking towards the door ]
CURLY: Unfair!
LARRY: Why, it’s a good thing we’re helping you...
[ Moe walks over to Curly and Larry and hides his axe behind his back ]
MOE: Oh, boys!
[ Curly and Larry stop ]
LARRY: Yes?
MOE: Come here. I have something for ya.
[ Curly and Larry walk over to Moe and hold out their hands in anticipation ]
LARRY: Give it to us!
CURLY: Go on!
MOE: [ takes out his axe ] You got it! [ swings his axe at Curly and Larry ]
CURLY AND LARRY: [ running out the door ] NYAAAAH-AAAAH- AAAAH!
MOE: [ chasing them with the axe ] I’ll get you for this!! I’ll get you!!
[ THE END ]
[ The short opens inside of a courtroom. Moe is in the witness stand arguing with Curly and Larry, who are standing outside the stand. The judge is repeatedly banging his gavel, trying to break up the argument ]
JUDGE: Order in the court! Order in the court!
BAILIFF: [ pushing Curly and Larry away ] Break it up! Break it up, you guys! Break it up! Go on over where you belong!
[ Curly and Larry walk back to their seats ]
MOE: Yeah, go on where ya belong!
BAILIFF: [ sitting Moe down ] Hey, you, sit down!
JUDGE: [ to Curly and Larry ] Don’t interfere again! [ to Moe ] Mr. Moe, you’re accused of assaulting your two roommates with intent to commit mayhem.
CURLY: [ standing up from his chair ] You mean moider!
LARRY: [ standing up ] Yeah, and he tried to kill us, too!
MOE: [ banging the judge’s gavel ] Quiet! [ puts the gavel down ]
JUDGE: [ reads a paper ] This complaint complains that you...attacked the plaintiffs with this [ holds up an axe ]. States “Exhibit Aâ€. You admit this is your property, do you not?
MOE: Well, your honor, do you mind if I look at it? [ stands up and picks up the axe ] You see, I had my name carved somewhere on the... [ holds the axe over his shoulder and accidentally hits the bailiff on the head with it ]
BAILIFF: AUGH!
JUDGE: Oh, a born killer, eh? Sit down!
MOE: [ sits back down ] But, your honor, if you let me tell my side of the story...
JUDGE: You mean you have something to say in extenuation?
MOE: Oh, not that! No, no! Not that, your honor! You see, I had a good reason!
JUDGE: Were you ever indicted?
MOE: [ coyly ] Not since I was a baby, your honor!
[ The judge gets a strange look on his face ]
MOE: But I’m a sick man. A very sick man! And I had two very serious operations. [ stands up and pulls up his shirt a little ] And this one here for crushed grape seeds. Right here.
JUDGE: Oh, I have one exactly like that!
MOE: You have?!
JUDGE: Yeh -- let me show it to you! [ stands up and pulls up his shirt a little ] Look. See here?
MOE: Oh, that’s a bum job. That’s like hem-stitching with a pique edge. Ha, ha, ha, ha!
JUDGE: [ does a double-take ] Yeh -- sit down; we’ll continue with the testimony!
[ The judge and Moe both pull their shits back down, then sit down ]
MOE: As I said before, your honor...
JUDGE: Yeah?
MOE: ...I’m a very sick man. And my doctor prescribed peace and quiet. He impressed me that it must be quiet.
[ Dissolve to Moe’s flashback ]
[ We see a close-up of one hand holding a spoon, and the other hand picking up a bottle labeled “NEVER TONICâ€. The hand tries to pour the nerve tonic into the spoon, but his hands shake all over the place, causing the tonic to spill all over the table. The camera pans back farther and we that it’s Moe, sitting on a couch at home, wearing a robe and with a towel tied around his head ]
MOE: [ to off-camera ] Quiet! QUIET!
[ Briefly cut to a cat crawling on the floor near Moe ]
MOE: Quit stomping around! SCAT!
[ Moe takes the towel off of his head and throws it at the cat off-camera, followed by sounds of the cat meowing in pain ]
MOE: [ with shaky hands ] Oh, my nerves! Ohh! [ picks up a thermometer ] I must have 106 and 7/8ths! [ puts the thermometer in his mouth ] Mmm. [ feels his pulse ] Mmm.
[ Suddenly, loud music starts playing off-camera, scaring Moe and causing him to bite his thermometer in half ]
[ Cut to Curly and Larry standing in front of a drum that says “THE ORIGINAL TWO-MAN QUARTET; Larry is playing the clarinet and drums at the same time, Curly is playing the trombone and occasionally smashes a cymbal with his head and beats a kettle drum with a stick tied to his side ]
MOE: QUIET! QUIET, YOU IMBECILES!
[ Curly puts the trombone slide out during one note and the slide flies off of the trombone and into the next room, lodging around Moe’s neck. Curly and Larry stop playing ]
CURLY: [ to Larry ] Hey, did you see that slide?
LARRY: [ pointing to the next room ] Must’ve gone in there.
[ Curly and Larry walk inside the room that Moe is in and search around for the trombone slide. Moe has the slide in his hands, and hides it behind his back when Curly and Larry walk over to him ]
CURLY: Hey, did you see a trombone slide anyplace?
MOE: Why, yes! [ holds up the slide ] Is this it?
CURLY: Yeah! Gimme it!
MOE: You got it! [ ties the slide around Curly and Larry’s necks ]
CURLY AND LARRY: OOH!
MOE: Now play it, ya rats!
CURLY: UHH!
[ Curly and Larry untie the slide from their necks ]
MOE: [ sits down ] My nerves! [ drinks from a medicine bottle ]
LARRY: [ to Moe ] You’re ungrateful! Just when we were gonna take you on a trip, too.
MOE: [ standing up ] What kind of a trip?!
CURLY: A hunting trip. Where you can commute with nature. Live in the outdoors. Breathe fresh air. [ takes a deep breath of the air, then begins coughing ]
LARRY: [ to Moe ] It’ll make a new man outta ya. Picture yourself in the great outdoors, under the beautiful blue sky.
MOE: [ looking up and visualizing the scenery ] Wonderful!
LARRY: An open campfire blazing away. And off in the distance, we hear the call of the wolf.
[ Curly wolf-whistles loudly ]
LARRY: Quiet, wolf! [ bonks Curly on the head ]
CURLY: OOH! Why you! [ bonks Larry on the head with a stick ]
LARRY: OOH!!
MOE: Don’t excite me! Don’t excite me! [ sits down ]
LARRY: You wanna go?
MOE: My pills! My medicine!
[ Curly pours a few pills in his hand ]
MOE: First, the blue one!
[ Curly puts the pills in his own mouth ]
MOE: No, me! Me!
LARRY: Him! Him!
[ Curly pours all the pills in the bottle down Moe’s mouth, as Larry begins doing the same with another bottle ]
MOE: The red one! The red one! That’s enough! The red one! The red one!
[ Curly pours liquid medicine down Moe’s mouth ]
LARRY: Swallow!
[ Dissolve to Curly and Larry outside of a cabin in the woods, loading luggage out of their car. Curly is humming to himself. Moe, with his hands still jittering, steps out of the cabin ]
MOE: C’mon, get a move-on. Grub’ll be ready in a minute. [ goes back in the cabin ]
CURLY: Okay.
LARRY: I’m sure glad we found this old cabin.
[ Briefly cut to Moe walking over to the stove in the cabin and beginning to cook ]
LARRY: [ pushing Curly ] Get busy there!
CURLY: HMM! [ lifts a shovel over his shoulder and accidentally hits Larry on the head ]
LARRY: OOH!
[ A bell rings off-camera ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] Come and get it!
LARRY: Alright. [ to Curly ] C’mon, you!
[ Curly and Larry grab all the luggage and head towards the cabin door. ]
[ Cut to inside the cabin where Curly and Larry walk in ]
CURLY: Oh, boy! Hot groceries!
LARRY: I’m starvin’!
[ Curly and Larry throw all the luggage down on the floor and run up to the table where there are a few plates of bread and various bottles of sauces and dressings ]
LARRY: [ to Moe, off-camera ] Get that food on! C’mon!
[ Curly and Larry sit down and begin spreading mayonnaise their bread ]
LARRY: There oughta be plenty of shooting around here. This is game country!
CURLY: How do you know?
LARRY: I just saw a sign, “Fine for Huntingâ€!
CURLY: I think you got somethin’ there!
LARRY: Yes, I have.
[ Moe walks over to the table and lays down a plate of scrambled eggs ]
MOE: Scrambled eggs -- and don’t touch ‘em until I come back with the potatoes! [ walks off-camera ]
[ Curly and Larry wave their arms at Moe, then pour various sauces and dressings on their bread ]
LARRY: [ opening one bottle ] I ain’t seen this in years!
[ A bear sticks his head inside the window next to Curly and Larry and licks the scrambled eggs off the plate, then leaves, without Curly and Larry even noticing ]
LARRY: [ to Curly ] Hey, there’s somethin’ missin’ on this. [ pause ] It’s sugar! I know; I’ll go get some! [ leaves ]
[ Moe, with a plate of potatoes, walks up to the table and notices the plate with scrambled eggs is now empty. He puts the plate of potatoes down, then grabs Curly up out of his seat ]
MOE: You worm! Where’s your manners?! Why didn’t you leave me some of them eggs?!
[ Cut to a close-up of the bear sticking his head in the window again and eating the potatoes from the plate ]
CURLY: [ off-camera ] I didn’t touch ‘em...
MOE: [ off-camera ] Aw, shutup, and don’t make things worse! The next time a thing like that happens, I’ll gauge your eyes out!
CURLY: [ off-camera ] But you...
MOE: [ off-camera ] I’ll tear your tonsils out! You ain’t supposed to eat until we’re all seated, and everybody has an equal chance!
[ Cut back to Curly and Moe ]
CURLY: Aw, shutup! [ sticks out his tongue ] Ehh!
[ Moe grabs a bottle of salt ]
MOE: What’d you say?
CURLY: [ sticks out his tongue ] Ehh!
[ Moe pours a whole bunch of salt on Curly tongue ]
CURLY: EELLH! [ spitting out the salt ] BLGGHMM!
[ Briefly cut to the bear now finished with all the potatoes and leaving from the window ]
MOE: Now behave yourself!
CURLY: You can take my word, Moe! I...
MOE: Your word’s no good! At least I’ll get my rightful share of those potatoes!
[ Moe walks over to the table where Larry is now sitting, and jumps in shock when he sees the potatoes are gone from the plate ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Oh, another chiseler, eh? [ slaps Larry ] Ah, what’s the matter with you?!
LARRY: Wait a minute, I didn’t do nothin’!
MOE: You didn’t do nothin’, eh? [ pointing to the empty plate ] You ate everything but the platter! Alright, now you’re full; you guys cook my breakfast! Boil me some noodles and fry me some eggs! [ pulls Larry up by the hair ]
LARRY: I wasn’t even here!!
MOE: Go on!
[ Larry walks off-camera ]
MOE: [ holding his hand to his chest ] Oh, my nerves! [ sits down ] My nerves!
[ Cut to Curly and Larry at the stove ]
CURLY: Get the spaghetti.
LARRY: Okay. [ grabs some noodles ]
CURLY: [ to Moe ] How do ya like the eggs?
MOE: Sunny side down, and don’t turn ‘em over!
[ Curly cracks a few eggs with a hammer, then stirs the eggs and eggshells in a pan with the hammer as Larry cooks the noodles in the background. They both turn and look at Moe angrily ]
MOE: [ looking around the table ] Where’s that fresh honey? [ picks up a glass of honey ] Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
[ Moe pours the honey on his bread, then puts the honey glass back down on the table. He adds some ketchup to the bread ]
MOE: If there’s anything I like better than honey and ketchup, it’s baloney and whipped cream -- and we haven’t got any! [ turns his back on the window next to the table and begins eating the bread while reading a newspaper ] I’d love that!
[ Cut to the bear climbing up to the window again and licking honey out of the glass for a few minutes. ]
[ Cut over to Curly and Larry at the stove. They’re done with the spaghetti, and Curly puts it in a bowl ]
CURLY: Nice spaghetti. [ turns over and sees the bear off- camera ] Nyaah-aah-aaah-aaah! [ accidentally tosses the spaghetti off-camera ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] Hey!
CURLY: [ looking at Moe off-camera ] NYAAAH!
[ Cut to a close-up of Moe with spaghetti all over his head, covering his face ]
[ Cut to the bear taking the now-empty glass of honey and crawling away from the window ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] You imbecile!
[ Cut back to the Stooges ]
MOE: [ throwing the spaghetti on his head onto Curly ] You’re a nitwit, that’s what you are! What’s the matta with you?!
CURLY: Hey, Moe, there’s a b-b-b-bear in the window!
MOE: You’re wacky! Whaddaya mean “bear in the window� There’s no bear around here!
[ Moe sticks his head out the window and the bear reaches over and slaps Moe on back of the head, then leaves ]
MOE: OOH! OH! [ sticks his head back inside the cabin ] You’re right; there is a bear around here! [ picks up a bear trap ] Here! [ handing it to Curly ] You take this bear trap. [ handing Larry a rifle ] You take this gun. Now go on out there and get ‘im. I’d go with ya, but my nerves are shot!
CURLY: I haven’t got the nerve, either!
MOE: [ picks up a fork and points it at Curly and Larry ] Go on, scat!
CURLY AND LARRY: [ running off-camera ] NYUUH-UUUH-UUUH!
MOE: [ holding his chest ] Ohh! Oh, my...
[ Cut to Curly and Larry slowly and fearfully walking outside the cabin. Larry has the rifle pointing straight at the back of Curly’s head ]
CURLY: Nyuuh-uuuh... [ turns and sees Larry’s rifle pointed at his face ] NYAAH! [ pushes Larry’s rifle away from his face ]
LARRY: Don’t be afraid; I’m right behind ya!
CURLY: Thanks!
[ Curly and Larry slowly walk off-camera, searching around for the bear ]
[ Cut to Moe inside the cabin ]
MOE: [ walking over to a chair ] ...and I got the chills again! [ picking up a fur coat on the chair ] Oh, my!
[ Cut back to Curly and Larry outside ]
CURLY: Hey, we’ll set a trap from here. When he comes back for lunch, we’ll get ‘im!
LARRY: Great!
[ Larry puts his rifle down and helps Curly set up the trap. ]
CURLY: Let’s camouflage it.
[ Larry and Curly begin picking up twigs and leaves from the ground. Meanwhile, the bear crawls back into the scene. ]
CURLY: I’d like to see the expression on that bear when he gets in that trap. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
[ Curly tries to pick up a twig that’s under the bears paw, and after having trouble getting it from under there, he notices that he’s touching a bear ]
CURLY: NYAH! [ looks at the bear ] Nyaah-aaah-aaah! [ backing away from the bear ] Aw-aw-aw-aw-aw-aw-aw-aw-aw-aw- aw-aw-aw!!
[ Larry looks over and notices the bear ]
LARRY: Nyaaah-aaaah-aaaaah-aaaah! [ jumps up into the window of the cabin and slams the window doors shut ]
[ Curly tries to jump into the window next, but he bumps into the closed door ]
CURLY: OOH-HOO-HOO-HOO! [ falls back and gets his behind caught in the bear trap ] Oh, he’s got me! YAAA-HAAAA- HAAA!! OH! Oh, Moe, Larry!
[ The bear crawls away as Curly stands up with his behind in the trap ]
CURLY: NYAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAAH-AAAAAH! OWWW-OW!
[ Cut to Moe and Larry inside the cabin ]
LARRY: You hear that? He’s got him! He’s got him!
MOE: You want the bear to eat him alive? Go out there and help him.
LARRY: That bear don’t need no help!
MOE: What are you, a coward?
LARRY: Yes!
MOE: Go on out and save ‘im!
LARRY: I’ll go, but my heart ain’t in it!
MOE: [ pushing Larry off-camera ] Go on! If I wasn’t afraid...I mean, if I wasn’t sick, I’d...I’d help ya, too! [ sits down ] How do ya like that? [ picks up his bottle of nerve tonic ] Afraid of a little teddy bear...
[ Cut to Larry walking outside the cabin door, followed by the bear crawling inside ]
[ Cut back to Moe taking a drink of the medicine. He looks over and notices the bear ]
MOE: NYAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAGH! [ gets up and hides behind the chair ]
[ The bear crawls over to a table with various medicine bottles and sniffs around it, then crawls out the window ]
[ Cut to Curly and Larry outside the cabin; Larry is trying to pull the trap off of Curly’s behind ]
CURLY: OOH! OOH-HOO! OOOOHH!
[ Larry finally gets the trap off ]
LARRY: There! It was only the trap! What’s the idea of scarin’ us half to death?
CURLY: The bear was here in person, I tell ya! I saw him with my eyes, I heard him with my ears, and it’s trap got me by the tail!
LARRY: Where did he go?
CURLY: [ pointing to the right side of the screen ] That way!
LARRY: [ walking towards the left, away from the bear ] C’mon.
[ Curly follows Larry and they both walk up to the cabin door and go inside. Curly looks off-camera and twitches in shock ]
[ Cut to Moe hiding behind a chair, with nothing but the back of his fur coat showing ]
CURLY: It’s the bear!
[ Larry points his gun at the fur coat and fires at it, shooting Moe’s behind ]
MOE: OOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!! OW-OW-OW! [ gets up from behind the fur coat and stand up, holding his behind in pain ] OOH! OOH!
CURLY: NYAAAAH-AAAAAH! It’s Moe! Hey, what are you doin’ here?
[ Curly and Larry walk over to Moe ]
CURLY: You look just like that bear!
MOE: Shaddap! [ grabs Larry’s rifle ] Gimme that gun!
LARRY: I didn’t do nothin’...
MOE: Shaddap!
[ Moe slams the rifle on the ground and accidentally fires it in the air, shooting through the ceiling. The Stooges back away as several broken ceiling pieces fall down in front of them, followed by a dead duck ]
MOE: [ picking up the duck ] Boy, a duck!
CURLY: That’s what I call huntin’! [ holds his hand under the hole in the ceiling ]
MOE: What are you doin’?
CURLY: Waitin’ for the dressing and the cranberry sauce!
[ Moe opens the dead duck’s beak and reaches over to squeeze Curly’s nose with it ]
[ Dissolve to the Stooges driving their car in the woods; Curly is driving, Larry is sitting in the passenger’s seat, and Moe in the back. Curly stops the car they get to a certain area ]
MOE: Isn’t this a pretty spot? What a place!
[ Curly and Larry get out of the car ]
CURLY: You sure you feel good enough to go hunting, Moe?
MOE: I feel wonderful! [ a beat ] Go on; you boys shoot your bear, I’ll wait here.
CURLY: Oh, still afraid, eh?
MOE: Afraid?! Me afraid?! [ angrily gets out of the car ] Now I’m mad! It’s either the bear or me! Go ahead, I’ll bring up the rear in case he attacks from behind. Go ahead!
[ Curly holds his rifle over his shoulder and turns to the side, causing the rifle to hit Moe on the head ]
MOE: OH!
[ The Stooges slowly walk into the woods in a line, with Curly in front, Larry in the middle, and Moe at the end. They pass by a sign that says “NO SMOKING NO HUNTING NO FISHING NO NOTHING GO HOME†]
[ Cut to Curly walking up to a branch. He pushes it in front of him as he passes, then ducks and releases it, causing it to swish backwards and smack Larry in the face ]
LARRY: OHH!
[ Larry does the same with the branch and causes it to hit Moe in the face ]
MOE: OOH! Why don’t you fellas be careful? Get down!
[ The Stooges crouch down as they continue walking. They come across the bear again, in front of them ]
MOE AND LARRY: [ running away ] YAAAH-AAAAH!
CURLY: Nyaah-aah-aah! [ looking behind him ] Hey, fellas, I got the... [ notices Moe and Larry are gone ] Hmm! [ to the bear ] RUFF!! RUFF!! RUFF!! RUFF!!
[ The bear whimpers away in fear like a dog, and crawls inside of a cave ]
CURLY: Hmm! [ to Moe and Larry off-camera ] Hey, you cowards, come back here! He’s a coward, too! [ waves his finger off-camera at the bear ] HMM!
[ Curly walks over to the outside of the cave and Moe and Larry follow him ]
CURLY: He went in there.
MOE: Well, go on after him. What’s stoppin’ ya?
CURLY: The bear!
MOE: Why you! [ reaches to eyepoke Curly ]
[ Curly blocks Moe’s fingers from his eyes with his rifle ]
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk nyuk, nyuk...
MOE: [ slapping Curly ] Go on!
LARRY: Hey, wait a minute! [ pointing to several big rocks on the floor ] Look at these rocks. Let’s barricade the cave and smother him to death.
MOE: I think you got a little piece of brain now! [ pats Larry on the head ] Huh! Okay, let’s go.
[ The Stooges pick up several rocks and begin piling them in front of the cave opening ]
MOE: [ handing Curly a rock ] Here ya are.
[ Curly takes the rock ]
LARRY: Here’s one! Catch it! [ crouches forward and holds the rock between his legs like a football ] Signal!
[ Larry throws the rock behind him from under his legs and it hits Moe on back of the head ]
MOE: Uhhh... [ falls on the ground, unconscious ]
CURLY: [ turning towards Moe ] Hey, Moe, I... [ notices Moe on the ground ] NYUUUUHHH!! [ to Larry ] Hey, Larry! Hey, Larry! Moe’s fainted!
[ Larry runs over to Curly ]
LARRY: Oh, the excitement was too much for him. Let’s get him back to the car.
CURLY: C’mon.
[ Larry lifts the knocked-out Moe up by the legs and Curly grabs his up by the head, then they both carry him ]
LARRY: Take it easy.
[ Curly and Larry carry Moe over to the car, then stop ]
LARRY: Okay.
[ They begin swinging Moe ]
LARRY: One...two...three!
[ They toss Moe into the backseat of the car ]
LARRY: Now, rest easy!
[ They walk away from the car and walk back over to the cave ]
CURLY: Let’s get the cave blocked up before the bear gets out.
LARRY: Okay!
[ Briefly cut over to the bear crawling outside the cave from another end ]
LARRY: Hey, catch!
[ Larry tosses a big rock over to Curly, knocking him down ]
CURLY: Why you! [ throws a rock at Larry’s behind ]
LARRY: OH! Oh, you wanna play, eh? [ picks a big rock and throws it at Curly ]
CURLY: [ ducking ] NO!
[ The rock misses Curly and flies over to the bear and knocks him out instead ]
CURLY: [ to Larry ] Hey, you! This is no time to play games! [ turning around ] I have... [ notices the knocked- out bear ] Woo! [ walks over to the bear ] Hey, Larry! We got him! We got him!
[ Larry walks over ]
CURLY: Look!
LARRY: Uh...are you sure he’s dead?
CURLY: Soitenly! If you don’t believe me, put your head to his chest and listen to his heart!
[ Larry reluctantly begins walking over to the bear ]
LARRY: [ stopping ] I’ll take your word for it. Say, he’ll make a beautiful rug. Do you know a taxidermist?
CURLY: Soitenly! My cousin Willy from Pittsburgh; he drives a taxi.
LARRY: Taxidermist! Taxidermist!
CURLY: “Taxidermist†to you, too! C’mon, help me put him in the car.
[ Curly and Larry begin to pick up the bear ]
[ Dissolve to Curly and Larry driving in their car through the woods ]
LARRY: Oh, boy! We got a bear -- a great, big bear without firing a single shot! That’s what I call hunting!
[ Cut over to the unconscious Moe in the back seat of the car coming back to. The bear, who’s also in the back seat, comes back to as well and scares Moe ]
MOE: NYAAAAH! [ jumps out of the back of the car and crashes on the ground ] OOH! OOH! Oh, my nerves!
[ Cut back to Curly and Larry in the car. The bear in the back seat smacks Curly on the head ]
CURLY: OOH! Hmm! [ to Larry ] Cut it out!
LARRY: Cut what out?
CURLY: Don’t be cute!
[ The bear smacks Curly on the head again ]
CURLY: OH! HMMMM!
[ The bear smacks Larry on the head ]
LARRY: OOH! [ to Curly ] What’s the idea of hittin’ me on the head?!
CURLY: I hit you because you hit me! [ does a double-take ] I didn’t hit you!
LARRY: Oh, yes you did! You hit me but I didn’t hit you!
CURLY: Aw, skip it!
[ The bear smacks Curly on the head again and knocks his head into Larry’s ]
CURLY: OOH-HOO-HOO! See, you did it again! Ho... [ notices that Larry’s hands are in his lap ] Hey, how could you hit me over here if your hands in your lap?
LARRY: Yeah!
CURLY: What a dope I am!
LARRY: I’ll say!
CURLY: It was Moe all the time! [ turning to the back seat ] Listen, I got...
[ Curly and Larry notice the bear ]
CURLY AND LARRY: NYAAAAAH!
[ Curly and Larry jump out of the car and fall flat on the ground as the car drives away off-camera by itself. As Curly and Larry sit up on the ground and dust themselves off, Curly looks off-camera in shock ]
CURLY: [ pointing off-camera ] LOOK!
[ Cut to the car where the bear is now driving; he sticks out his left arm as he makes a left turn ]
[ Cut back to Curly and Larry; we hear the car screeching in the background, then a loud crash. Curly and Larry both twitch in shock ]
[ Cut back to the car, which is now crashed into a cave. The bear climbs out the car and crawls away, followed by Curly and Larry running up to the wrecked car ]
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! What’ll Moe say when he sees this?
LARRY: You forget -- [ sadly ] Moe is no longer with us; the bear ate him up!
[ Curly and Larry both take off their hats and look down at the ground ]
[ Cut to Moe angrily peeking behind a cave at Curly and Larry, then sneaking off-camera towards them, with an axe in his hand ]
CURLY: [ off-camera ] Poor Moe!
LARRY: [ off-camera ] Oh, woe is Moe!
[ Cut back to Curly and Larry, where Moe sneaks up to them ]
MOE: Oh, woe is you! [ swings his axe towards Larry ]
LARRY: [ ducking ] WHOA, MOE!
[ Moe misses Larry and accidentally hits Curly on top of the head with the axe instead ]
[ Cut to a close-up of Curly holding his head in pain ]
CURLY: OOH! OOH-HOO! OOOOHHHH! [ looks at Moe’s axe off- camera ] Oh, look!
[ Camera pans over to Moe, who holds up his axe and jumps in shock when he sees that the blade is now split due to Curly’s hard head ]
[ Dissolve back to the present day courtroom scene where Moe has just finished his flashback ]
MOE: ...and now my doctor says I’ll have to go back to bed for six months!
[ The judge shakes his head in pity ]
JUDGE: I find the defendant not guilty. [ bangs gavel ] Case dismissed.
[ Moe’s sad mood quickly changes into a happy one ]
MOE: [ standing up ] Thank you, your honor!
JUDGE: You’re entirely welcome.
MOE: [ pointing to the axe ] Do you mind if I have Exhibit A back again, your honor?
JUDGE: Certainly not. Help yourself.
MOE: [ grabbing the axe ] Thank you, your honor! [ walks off-camera ]
[ Cut to Curly and Larry standing up from their chairs in anger and walking towards the door ]
CURLY: Unfair!
LARRY: Why, it’s a good thing we’re helping you...
[ Moe walks over to Curly and Larry and hides his axe behind his back ]
MOE: Oh, boys!
[ Curly and Larry stop ]
LARRY: Yes?
MOE: Come here. I have something for ya.
[ Curly and Larry walk over to Moe and hold out their hands in anticipation ]
LARRY: Give it to us!
CURLY: Go on!
MOE: [ takes out his axe ] You got it! [ swings his axe at Curly and Larry ]
CURLY AND LARRY: [ running out the door ] NYAAAAH-AAAAH- AAAAH!
MOE: [ chasing them with the axe ] I’ll get you for this!! I’ll get you!!
[ THE END ]
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