Lobby Cards: The Classic Comedies (The Michael Hawks Collection: Volume II)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2008-06-18
G.I. WANNA HOME
[ The short opens up on a close-up of the uniform on a soldier. The camera pulls back and reveals that the solider is Larry and we see Moe and Curly, also in soldier uniforms, standing on opposite sides of him. ]
LARRY: Oh, boy! It sure feels good to be discharged at last!
CURLY: Let’s hitch a ride.
LARRY: Yeah.
[ The Stooges notice a car driving near them, and then they stick out their thumbs to catch the driver’s attention ]
LARRY: Hey, how about it? Help us out?
[ The car drives over a huge mud puddle, splashing mud on the Stooges uniforms ]
MOE: Can ya beat that? Nobody wants to give you a lift these days! We’ll walk.
LARRY: Yeah…
[ Moe lifts his duffel bag over his shoulder, accidentally hitting Larry right on the head ]
LARRY: OOH-OOH!! Listen--
[ Curly lifts his duffel bag over his shoulder as well, also hitting Larry on the head ]
LARRY: Oh! Hey, what are you doin’?!? [ balling his hand up into a fist and holding it up ] I can take care of--
[ Moe holds Larry’s arm back and prevents him from punching Curly ]
MOE: Break it up! Don’t you know our ‘fee-in-cees’ [fiancées] are waitin’?
LARRY: Yeah. You know, it’s lucky they got a beautiful house where we can all live?
MOE: And after we’re married…we’ll get ‘em the best jobs they ever had!
LARRY: Just think - we’re gonna get married tonight!
MOE: Oh, boy!
LARRY: [ lifting his duffel bag over his shoulder ] How do ya like--
[ Larry’s duffel bag hits Moe on the head ]
MOE: OH!
LARRY: [ fearfully backing away ] No, wait!
MOE: I’ll knock your brains out! [ notices a car driving up ] Hey, wait a minute! Here’s another car!
[ The Stooges stick their thumbs out again, and the car drives right over the same mud hole from before, this time splashing the mud all over the Stooges’ faces ]
MOE: A fine thing! [ notices a taxi cab ] Hey, hey, taxi!!
ALL STOOGES: Taxi!!
[ The taxi pulls over and the Stooges run up to it. Curly opens the backseat of the taxi and begins to crawl in, but he struggles to lift his duffel bag up ]
MOE AND LARRY: Come on!
LARRY: Stop stallin’!
[ Larry pulls a pin from his uniform and pokes Curly in the behind with it ]
CURLY: OWW!!
[ Curly painfully jumps inside the cab and Larry follows him ]
MOE: [ to taxi driver ]
[ Moe gets in the taxi and closes the door. The taxi drives away, revealing Curly behind it, sitting on the wet street. Curly gets up and looks around in confusion, then grabs his duffel bag and tries to follow the taxi. ]
CURLY: Hey, wait for me! Hey fellas!
[ The scene ends and the next scene begins with the Stooges arriving at their destination and getting out of the taxi. Moe pulls money out of the pocket and pays the taxi driver. ]
MOE: Keep the change.
[ The Stooges look over and notice their fiancées sitting on a couch outside of their apartment building, crying into their hankies. A whole pile of other furniture is surrounding them. The Stooges drop their duffel bags right behind them and rush over to their girls. ]
LARRY: Jessie!
MOE: Tessie!
CURLY: Bessie!
[ The Stooges hold open their arms and their girls run over to them and give them a hug and they all greet each other ]
MOE: It’s so good to be-- [ notices all the furniture outside the building ] Hey! What’s all the furniture doin’ out here?
JESSIE: [ crying ] We’ve been dispossessed!
TESSIE: It’s a new American custom!
BESSIE: Oh, dear, now we can’t get married until we have a home to live in.
[ The scene ends and the next scene begins with Moe, Larry, and the fiancées riding very slowly on the road in the remains of a broken-down car, where we can only see the wheels, seats, and fender. Moe is behind the steering wheel and we can see the girls’ furniture and other belongings piled all around the car, including a parrot in a cage.]
[ The camera moves over further and reveals that Curly is actually pulling the broken-down car, with a horse collar wrapped around his neck that’s tied to the car. ]
[ Curly begins losing his breath, so he stops and takes the horse collar off. Then he pulls out a sandwich from his pocket and is almost about to eat it before Moe and Larry angrily walk over and interrupt him. ]
MOE: What’s the matter with you?!! What’s the idea of stallin’?! Why don’t you keep pullin’?!
CURLY: Listen, you! If I’m gonna work like a horse, I’m gonna eat like one!
[ Curly puts the sandwich in his mouth and is about to begin eating it ]
MOE: Wait a minute… [ grabs Curly’s sandwich away ] That’s a pretty nice sandwich.
[ Moe looks down at the sandwich for a second, then suddenly slaps it across Curly’s face ]
MOE: Why, you insane--
CURLY: [ barking ] RUFF!
LARRY: [ pointing off-camera at something ] Hey, look!
[ Moe and Curly look over to where Larry’s pointing and notice a sign outside of an apartment building that says “APARTMENT FOR RENT”. The Stooges walk up to the front door of the building. ]
MOE: This is a nice place.
LARRY: Yeah.
[ Moe begins knocking on the front door over and over while looking at the other Stooges ]
CURLY: I hope we get it.
MOE: I hope it’s got twin beds.
CURLY: So do I.
[ The front door opens and the landlord walks out, and Moe unnoticeably continues knocking on the landlord’s forehead ]
MALE LANDLORD: Hey!
[ Moe stops knocking ]
MOE: Oh, pardon me! Have you got an apartment for rent?
MALE LANDLORD: [ nods head ] Yes, sir.
MOE: How much is it a month?
MALE LANDLORD: What do ya mean “a month”?! I rent it by the hour! You can have it from 4 to 5…AM!!
MOE: Ya robber!
MALE LANDLORD: Scram!
[ Moe pokes the landlord in the eyes ]
LANDLORD: HEY!!!!
[ The Stooges run away and the landlord angrily slams the front door ]
[ The scene ends and the next scene is a fast montage of a series of signs, which all say “NO VACANCY”, “ALL FULL”, NO VACANCIES”, “NO VACANCY”, “ALL FULL”, and a “FOR RENT” sign with the words “nothing” and “this year” scribbled around it in cursive writing, making the sign say “Nothing FOR RENT this year.” ]
[ The next scene begins with the Stooges standing outside of another apartment building talking to the female landlord ]
FEMALE LANDLORD: I told you ten times I have nothing to rent. Besides… [ looks at each of the Stooges, then smirks smugly ] no dogs allowed!
CURLY: [ barking ] RUFF!!
FEMALE LANDLORD: [ like a cat ] RRRRROWWWW!!! HISSSS!
ALL STOOGES: [ running away ] Nyaaaah-aaaah-aaaah-aaaah-aaaah!!
FEMALE LANDLORD: HISSSSSSSSS!!!
[ The scene ends and the next scene begins with a close-up of a store window which says “GINSBERG, ROSENBERG, GOLDSTEIN AND O’BRIEN REAL ESTATE”. The Stooges walk up it. ]
MOE: This is it.
[ The Stooges walk up to the door, only to see a big sign posted over the door which says “SPECIALS
NOTHING TO BUY,
NOTHING TO SELL,
WE’VE GONE FISHING.
YOU CAN GO ---
FISHING TOO”. ]
MOE: How do ya like that?
CURLY: I’m disgusted!
LARRY: Say, it’s a good thing we sent the girls home to their mothers.
MOE: Well, we gotta find a place to live!
CURLY: Not me - I’m not budgin’.
LARRY: Oh, no?
CURLY: No--
[ Larry punches Curly in the stomach ]
CURLY: Ooh!!
[ Moe bops Curly on the head ]
CURLY: Ooh!!
MOE: Get out! Come on!
[ Moe and Larry both grab Curly by the ears and begin dragging him away towards the camera]
CURLY: OW-OW-OW-OW-OW!! I’M BUDGIN’, I’M BUDGIN!!!
[ The scene ends and the next scene begins with a tight camera shot on Moe and Larry sitting on a couch in what looks like a living room setting. They’re both reading, and Moe has a pipe in his mouth. Moe pulls a watch out of his pocket and looks at the time. ]
MOE: I wonder where that Curly is.
LARRY: You oughta know. You sent him to wire the girls to come on now that we have this home. [ looks around the home with a smile ]
MOE: So I did. Ha, ha, ha, ha!
[ A knock is heard at the door off-camera ]
MOE: Someone’s at the door. [ getting up from the couch ] I’ll answer it.
[ The camera pulls back, revealing that the Stooges’ new “home” is actually a vacant lot with their furniture placed around randomly like in an apartment ]
LARRY: [ getting up from the couch ] I’ll answer it.
MOE: Oh, no, I’ll answer it.
LARRY: We’ll both answer it!
[ Moe and Larry bow down gently, then Moe raises his fist and bops Larry right on the head ]
MOE: Come onnnnn!!
LARRY: [ holding his head ] Ooh!
[ Moe and Larry walk over towards the door as the knocking continues. They finally get up to the door, which is placed in the middle of a big empty spot in the lot. Moe opens it, and a hobo is standing there ]
HOBO: I beg your pardon, gentlemen, but do you have a room for rent?
MOE: No! Scram!
HOBO: [ angrily ] Wiseguy...
[ The hobo slams the door right in Moe’s face ]
MOE: OHHHH!!! OOH! OOH! OOH! [ holds his nose in pain ]
LARRY: Ooh! Did he break your nose?
MOE: No.
LARRY: That’s too bad.
[ Moe slaps Larry ]
MOE: Go onnnn!! [ looks back at the door ] Fine thing. It’s gettin’ so nowadays, a person can’t enjoy the comfort of their own domicile.
LARRY: “Domicile”???
[ Another person walks up to the outside of the door and knocks on it ]
MOE: Oh, a persistent tramp!
[ Moe quietly points out a nearby bottle to Larry, and Larry reaches over and grabs it while Moe picks up a shovel from the ground. They both then stand on opposite sides of the door. ]
MOE: Come in!
[ The door opens and Curly walks through with a pipe in his mouth. Moe and Larry smash his head with the bottle and shovel, before realizing who it is. ]
CURLY: Ooh!! OHHHH!!!! OHH-HO!!! OHHH! What’s the idea?!!
LARRY: I’m sorry - we got the wrong tramp.
MOE: Yeah, did you send the girls a wire?
CURLY: No, I sent them a telegram…nyuk, nyuk…collect!
[ Curly pulls out a bag from his pocket and empties the ashes from his smoking pipe into it, getting some on the ground as well ]
LARRY: Hey! What’s the idea of throwin’ dirty ashes on our nice, clean floor?!
MOE: Sweep ‘em up!
CURLY: Hmm!
[ Curly waves his hand back and forth and up and down in front of Moe’s face, then Moe and Larry push him away ]
LARRY: Go on!
MOE: [ to Larry ] Listen, porcupine, we gotta fix the girls’ room up. You knit some doilies for the goilies.
LARRY: Me???
MOE: I--
[ Moe and Larry get distracted by a loud sound in the background, which turns out to be Curly mowing up the grass with a raggedy, old-looking lawnmower. ]
CURLY: That’s it, it’s finished.
MOE: Finished?!? It’s worse than it was before! Clean up that loose grass! That’s an order!
CURLY: [ saluting ] Aye-aye, sir. [ smacks Moe on the head with his saluting hand ]
MOE: OOH!! [ kicks Curly in the behind ]
CURLY: OHH!!! [ walks away]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Now as I said before, we gotta straighten this room up for the goilies.
LARRY: Yeah.
MOE: [ pointing to an empty area in front of them ] We’ll start in that corner, put--
[ Moe and Larry get distracted by another loud sound, which turns out this time to be Curly using a big modern-looking vacuum cleaner to suck up all the loose grass. When Moe and Larry are in Curly’s way, he presses a button, which sets of a loud, honking horn. Moe and Larry fearfully jump out the way as Curly continues vacuuming. ]
MOE: Hey… [ pulls out his watch again and looks at the time ] We gotta get supper ready!
LARRY: Yeah? Well, all we got is potatoes!
MOE: Oh, we’ll have more than that…I hope! [ to Curly ] Hey, Onion-Head! Come here.
[ Curly sets aside the vacuum and walks over to Moe and Larry ]
MOE: Go in the kitchen and peel some potatoes.
CURLY: How ya do dat??
MOE: Just peel ‘em!!
[ Moe slaps Curly, and Larry pushes Curly away to the kitchen ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Come on.
[ Moe and Larry walk up to a tree ]
MOE: One of the neighbor’s chickens got a nest up there. There oughta be eggs in it. Go on up and see.
LARRY: Okay.
[ Moe cups his hand and Larry puts his left foot in it, then Moe lifts Larry up to the top of the tree ]
MOE: Up you go! [ starts to sit down under the tree ] Ah! Boy, am I tired. [ rests the back of his head on the tree and closes his eyes ]
[ Inside the “kitchen”, Curly has a cup and dauber in one hand, and a shaving razor in the other. Then he puts the razor down and fills the cup with some water. He picks up one potato from a pile of them and begins spreading shaving cream all over the potato with the dauber ]
CURLY: [ singing ] La-lee, la-la-la-la, la-lee, la-dee, la-da-da…
[ Curly puts down the dauber, picks up the razor, and begins shaving the potato ]
[ Meanwhile, the vacuum Curly was using before is still on and the dust bag is getting increasingly bigger ]
[ Back in the “kitchen”, Curly has finished shaving the potato and is putting a towel over it ]
CURLY: La-laaa, la-lee-dee, la-lee-dee, la-la…
[ Curly takes out a bottle of after-shave lotion, then pours it over the potato. With his hand, he rubs the after-shave lotion carefully into the potato, then spins a towel around and dries the potato off. ]
CURLY: Sorry, did I get some in your eye? Ha, ha--
[ Curly suddenly stops laughing, then pours and rubs some powder on the potato. When he’s finished, he puts the potato into a bowl, and then looks around at the pile of other potatoes. ]
CURLY: Next???
[ Up in the tree that Larry has climbed into, he grabs hold of the nest and the chicken sitting on it flies away in fear. Larry tilts the nest over to him a little and one of the eggs falls out, landing in the open right hand of Moe, who’s sleeping under the tree. ]
[ A fly buzzes around Moe’s face, and Moe starts swatting at it half-awake with his empty left hand and smacks his face. When the fly continues to buzz around his face, Moe uses his right hand with the egg to swat it but ends up squashing the egg right into his face. Moe fully wakes up and realizes what just happened, then angrily looks up at Larry. ]
MOE: [ standing up ] Listen, you lamebrain! Watch what you’re doin’ and get those eggs!
LARRY: I can’t get up any higher!
MOE: Well, tilt the nest and I’ll catch the eggs.
LARRY: Okay, here they come!
[ Moe looks up and holds his arms open so he can catch the eggs. Larry tilts the nest, but all the eggs end up splattering all over Moe’s face. Moe turns his head down and angrily wipes the egg yolk off his face. ]
MOE: It’s a good thing there wasn’t any more!
[ Moe looks back up and two more eggs fall and splatter on his face again. ]
MOE: Well, that’s that…
LARRY: I guess that’s all of them. I’m comin’ down!
[ The branch that Larry is standing on suddenly breaks in half and Larry loses his grip on the tree ]
LARRY: OHHHH!!!!
[ Larry falls off the tree and lands right on top of Moe’s head, sending them both crashing to the ground. Larry grabs his head in pain as Moe gets up. ]
MOE: [ lifting Larry by the hair ] What’s the matta witchoo?!! You clumsy ox!
[ Meanwhile, the dust bag on the vacuum continues to over-inflate as we hear Moe snapping at Larry off-screen ]
MOE: Don’t you ever look whatchoo doin’?! You must be insane! Deliberately jumping on me from a tree! Why can’t you do ever anything right?! Shaddup!!! First you give me an egg-shampoo, then you jump on top of me! [ slaps Larry ] What’s the matta witcha?!
[ Curly walks over with a pot in his hand ]
CURLY: What’s all the rumpus?
MOE: Ehh, I’ll rumpus him in a minute!
[ Moe grabs the pot from Curly and holds it up to swing at Larry, but the water from the pot ends up spilling all over Moe’s head ]
LARRY: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Serves you--
[ Moe bangs the pot on Larry’s head ]
LARRY: [ holding his head in pain ] OHH!
CURLY: Let him alone!
MOE: Whaddaya mean “let him alone”?!?
[ Moe grabs Curly’s bow tie and stretches it forward, then snaps it back into Curly’s neck ]
CURLY: OWW! HOWW-OWW-OWW-OWW-OWW!!!!
MOE: I’ll tear ya limb-from-limb! You nitwits, I’ll tear your tonsils out - the both of ya!
[ Suddenly, the over-inflated dust bag on the vacuum explodes, throwing loose dirty grass all over the Stooges ]
MOE: [ to Curly ] Now ya wrecked the vacuum cleaner! [ to Larry ] And you ruined the dinner! [ starts sobbing ] Now we’re gonna go hungry! [ slaps Larry and Curly ] What’s the matta with you guys?!?
[ A chicken up in the tree starts clucking loudly ]
LARRY: Wait a minute! [ pointing up towards the chicken in the tree ] How about some roast chicken?
MOE: Oh, boy, and dumplings! Now you’ve got a brain! Get the gun!
[ Larry goes over to get the rifle, and Moe looks at Curly ]
MOE: [ pointing next to him ] Now you get over here. When I fire that gun--
[ Larry returns with the rifle ]
LARRY: Outta my way! [ pointing the rifle up at the tree ] Watch this!
MOE: Wait a minute! [ grabbing a hold of the rifle ] Give me the gun, I’ll shoot--
LARRY: [ trying to grab the rifle back ] Oh, no, I’m the best shot!
[ As Moe and Larry are yanking the rifle back and forth, the barrel of the rifle faces right at Curly’s face ]
CURLY: NYAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAAH!
[ Curly runs to the other side as Moe and Larry continue arguing over the rifle ]
MOE: Wait a minute! You give it to me!
LARRY: Listen to me, will ya?! I know how to shoot this gun!
[ The rifle again ends up pointing straight at Curly ]
CURLY: NYAAAAAH-AAAAH! [ looks at the camera with a terrified look and quivers his mouth ] AAAAAAH!
MOE: Let me fire it!
LARRY: Oh, no, no, no, no!
MOE: I’m a target expert, I tell ya!
LARRY: Target alright, but I’m an expert!
[ Curly continues to runs around, yet the barrel of the gun seems to keep following him everywhere due to Moe and Larry’s arguing. Curly then ducks out of the way, and the rifle fires in the air. Curly stands back up, relieved. ]
MOE: If I let go of this gun, I’ll murder ya!
LARRY: Alright! Let go!
MOE: You willin’ to take that chance?!
[ Suddenly, a dead goose falls from the sky and lands right on top of Curly’s head, then falls on the ground. Curly picks it up. ]
CURLY: Hey, fellas! Duck!
[ Moe and Larry both drop the rifle and, taking Curly literally, quickly duck out the way. Then they see the dead goose in Curly’s hand. ]
LARRY: Oh, look - a geese!
CURLY: I got a big goose! Hey, fellas, look!
MOE: Oh, boy! [ singing ] Goosey-goosey gander! [ flapping the goose’s wings and dancing ] WOOOOOO-OOOOOH-OOOOH-OOOOH!!
[ The scene ends and the next scene begins with Larry bending over next to an oven, picking up stuff from the ground. Moe walks over to the oven. ]
MOE: Goosey oughta be done!
[ Moe opens the oven and take out the hot frying pan with his bare hands, burning them ]
MOE: OW-OW-OW-OW! OW! OW!
[ Moe quickly places the hot pan right on Larry’s back, who’s still bending over ]
LARRY: OWWWWWWWWW!!!!
[ Larry stands straight up, knocking the frying pan and cooked goose off his back and causing them to fall right on the ground. Curly walks over. ]
CURLY: What happened now???
MOE: [ pointing to Larry ] This numb-skull spilled all the gravy! Why you--
[ Moe picks up the cooked goose from the ground, then brushes off the dust and dirt, and sets it on a platter on the dinner table ]
MOE: Now… [ to Curly ] you set the table with the dishes… [ to Larry ] you slice some bread, and I’ll boil some spinach.
[ Curly and Larry walk away as Moe grabs an empty pot and walks over to a pile of clumps of grass that was pulled out from the dirt. He begins putting the dirty clumps of grass inside the pot. ]
MOE: Boy, the boys will love this!
[ As Moe continues filling the pot with grass, the Stooges’ pet parrot, Jake, flies from its cage onto the table, then begins crawling inside a hole in the cooked goose ]
[ The scene ends and the next scene begins with Larry seated at the dinner table, while Curly is standing in front of the cooked goose, rubbing a big knife and fork together. Moe walks up with the pot of grass, which is now cooked. ]
MOE: Nice, fresh, boiled spinach! Oh, boy! [ puts the “spinach” into a bowl ] Help yourself, boys! Fresh, boiled spinach, right off the fire! Ha, ha, haaa!
[ Curly finishes sharpening the big knife and fork and then he sticks the fork into the goose ]
JAKE THE PARROT: [ inside the goose ] AWWWK!!
CURLY: [ pulling the fork out ] Nyaaah-aaaah!!
MOE: What are you screamin’ about? Go on, carve that goose!
CURLY: I can’t! Our goose ain’t cooked!
MOE: Go on, lamebrain! [ grabbing the fork away from Curly ] Gimme a gander at that goose! Ha, ha!
[ Moe sticks the fork in the goose ]
JAKE THE PARROT: AWWWK!!
CURLY: It’s haunted!
MOE: [ pulling the fork out ] G-daaaah-aaaaah-aaaaah-aaaaah!!
[ Larry angrily gets up from his chair ]
LARRY: Hey, come on! Stop stallin’ and carve that goose!
MOE: I’m afraid to…touch it!
LARRY: Afraid?!? That’s silly! [ patting the goose up and down ] See?
JAKE THE PARROT: AHH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!
MOE: Nyaaaaaah!! [ pauses ] I think I know what’s the matter - we forgot to stuff it. [ nodding his head ] Yeah, that’s it - we forgot to stuff it!
LARRY: Yeah!
MOE: [ handing a plate of crackers to Curly ] Here’s some crackers. Get busy.
[ Curly takes a cracker and holds it in front of the cooked goose ]
CURLY: You know, I--
MOE: Aw, never mind!
[ While Curly isn’t looking, Jake the parrot pokes his head out of the goose and snatches Curly’s cracker with his beak, then ducks his head back in. Curly realizes the cracker in his hand has disappeared, then he rubs his chin in confusion. After a few seconds, he takes a second cracker and holds it in front of the goose again. ]
CURLY: You know, Moe, somethin’ funny happened to me--
[ Jake pokes his head out again and eats Curly’s second cracker, then duck his head back in ]
CURLY: [ looking at his empty hand ] Nyaaah-aaaah-aaaah!!
MOE: What’s the matter with you?! Quit stallin’ around. Go on, stuff the goose!
CURLY: It’s haunted, I tell you! Every time I put a cracker there, it takes it away!
LARRY: You’re crazy! [ stands in front of Moe and Curly ] Step aside! How can a cooked bird be haunted? [ puts his hand on the goose, then licks his hand ] Tastes good! [ puts his face closer to the goose ] Smells good!
[ Larry puts his face up to the opening in the goose, and Jake pokes his head out and grabs Larry on the nose with its beak, crunching Larry’s nose ]
LARRY: OWWWW! OWW! OW! AHHH-HAAA-HAA!!!!
MOE: [ taking Jake off of Larry’s nose ] Jake! Be a good boy, Jake! What’s the matter with ya? Easy now, Jake! [ walks off-camera with Jake ]
LARRY: [ rubbing his nose in pain ] Ohh! Ho-ho!
[ Curly looks around and makes sure nobody is watching him, then he leans his face over to the goose and begins taking bites out of it. Moe walks up behind him and bonks him on the head. ]
MOE: What’s the matter witchoo guys?! Ain’t you got no etiquette?! What would Emily Post say? [ to Larry ] Sit down over there! [ to Curly ] You sit down there! I’ll serve this thing. [ holds a knife and fork up to the goose ] Now we’ll really have some stuffed goose!
[ Suddenly, a loud noise is heard and the Stooges look up in shock and notice a giant tractor driving towards the Stooges table ]
ALL STOOGES: [ running away from the table ] Nyaaah-aaaah!!
[ The driver of the tractor runs right over the Stooges table and chairs, crushing it to pieces ]
MOE: [ yelling ] Hey, you better watch what you’re doin’!!
[ The tractor runs over and crushes the Stooges’ door and the Stooges continue to look on in horror. Suddenly, the tractor turns around and heads right at the Stooges. ]
ALL STOOGES: [ running away] NYAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAH!!!
[ The scene ends and the next scene begins with the Stooges and their new wives after their wedding. They walk up to the outside of a house. ]
MOE: Well, here we are - married at last! Ha, ha! [ to Tessie ] Oh, excuse me, darling. This, uh--
[ Moe takes off his top hat and dumps rice out from the top and inside of it. Larry does the same. ]
MOE: Boy, should’ve saved that rice for a pudding! Ha, ha, ha!
[ Without looking, Moe grabs and lifts up who he thinks is Tessie, but is actually Larry ]
MOE: Come on, sweetheart!
[ Moe carries Larry inside the house, still not knowing who it is. Tessie and Jessie just look at each other in confusion, then follow the boys inside the house. ]
[ Inside the house, Curly is lifting Bessie, then puts her down ]
CURLY: My darling bride! [ kisses Bessie ]
[ Moe walks next to them, carrying Larry, then puts him down ]
MOE: My darling bride!
[ Moe kisses Larry on the cheek, then suddenly realizes who it is and gets shocked ]
MOE: I’m poisoned!! [ pushes Larry into the couch ] Get away! [ to Tessie ] Well, darling - this is it! [ pointing to the couch ] This is the living room. [ pointing to the table next to the couch ] This is the dining room. [ pointing to the stove next to the table ] And this is the kitchen! Our own little home!
CURLY: Built with our own little hands.
LARRY: And our own private bedroom…for all of us!
[ Larry opens the door to the bedroom and everybody walks in. Inside the small bedroom, there are two sets of triple bunk beds, both placed on opposite sides of the room. The wives look around with disappointed expressions on their faces. ]
MOE: How do ya like it? Our own private bedroom!
LARRY: And our own private bathroom, too. You’ll find your suitcases in the bathtub.
[ The wives gasp, and then quickly walk in the bathroom. ]
CURLY: Now for a good night’s sleep!
LARRY: You said it!
MOE: Yes, sir!
[ The Stooges take off their tuxedo coats and fold then neatly. Then they toss the coats on the floor under the bed. Moe and Larry take off their top hats and dust them off, then toss those to the floor. ]
MOE: Oh, boy…
[ Larry yawns and Curly and Moe stretch their arms out, accidentally punching Larry in the face. ]
LARRY: OOH!
MOE: [ pushing Larry aside ] Get outta the way!
[ The Stooges walk up to their triple bunk beds set. Moe crawls inside the bottom bunk, and Larry jumps into the middle bunk. Curly tries to pull himself up into the top bunk, but can’t reach it. Then he stands one foot on Moe’s bunk to help boost himself up, but accidentally steps on Moe’s face ]
MOE: OWWWTCH!!!! AUGH!! OUCH! Why you!
[ Moe pulls up Curly’s pant leg, and bites Curly hard on his bare shin ]
CURLY: [ screaming right into Larry’s face ] OOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! [ looking down at Moe ] What are you tryin’ to do?!?
MOE: [ pointing to the part of his own face that Curly stepped on ] What are you tryin’ to do?!?
CURLY: I’m tryin’ to get up there!
MOE: Well…get somethin’ to stand on!
CURLY: Why didn’t I think of that???
[ Moe and Larry angrily lay down and fall asleep, as Curly begins moving a nearby table right up to the bunk beds set ]
CURLY: [ singing ] La-lee, la la la lee, la lee la laa, la-lee, la-dee…
[ The scene ends and the next scene begins with Curly finished with constructing a whole pile of furniture for him to climb into the top bunk with. He manages to climb all the way up the unsteady and shaky pile, and finally makes it to the top of the pile. He reaches over and successfully climbs into his top bunk. ]
CURLY: Well! I made it! [ takes off his top hat and lays down on his pillow ] Good niiiight!
[ Suddenly, Curly’s top bunk breaks and crashes through the bottom two bunks, crushing Moe and Larry under it. ]
CURLY: YAAAAAAH-AHHHHHH!!
MOE AND LARRY: OHHHH!!
MOE: Get off of me, you guys!!!
CURLY: What do you know???
MOE: Get up, you!!
[ Curly gets up from the top mattress, then Larry gets off the middle mattress. ]
MOE: Ohh-ohh, OHHH!!
[ Larry and Curly begin helping Moe out from under all the mattresses and pieces of broken wood ]
MOE: Ohh, you...moiderers! [ lifts his head and accidentally hits it on one of the unbroken wooden bed pieces built above him ] Oh!
CURLY: What do you know??? I didn’t get hurt!
MOE: Oh, yes you did! [ slaps Curly ]
CURLY: Ohh-ho!
[ Moe begins punching Curly in the stomach repeatedly ]
CURLY: OHHH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!!!!
THE END
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