Lobby Cards: The Classic Comedies (The Michael Hawks Collection: Volume II)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2008-07-03
A PAIN IN THE
[ The short opens on a close-up of a sign outside of a building, which reads:
“MRS.
26 ROOMS ~ 2
RATES
$4.00 PER WEEK UP MOSTLY UP” ]
[ The scene goes over to inside the building at the Stooges’ apartment, where Curly is flipping through a cookbook. The Stooges’ pet monkey, Joe, is jumping up and down on Curly’s shoulders. ]
CURLY: Oh, boy, am I hungry!
MOE: [ off-camera ] Come on and rehearse!
[ Moe walks over to Curly ]
MOE: What are you doin’?
CURLY: You know, they show someplace in here how to cook a monkey!
[ Joe the monkey taps Curly on the head several times in disagreement ]
MOE: Joe’s right. We can’t eat the act!
CURLY: But I’m gonna starve! I can’t dance on an empty stomach!
MOE: Come on, we gotta keep in practice. We may get a job someday! Come on! [ holds up his eypoking fingers ]
CURLY: Wait a minute!
[ Curly turns around and opens up an oven. He pulls out a closed pot and opens it, revealing a shoe cooking inside of it. Curly drips some hot water over it. ]
MOE: What’s that?
CURLY: Filet of sole and heel!
[ Moe slaps Curly on the back of the head ]
CURLY: Ooh!
MOE: Come on! Come on!
[ Curly closes the pot and puts it back inside the stove again. As Curly stands up, Moe turns him around, then grabs him by the eyebrow while walking away. ]
MOE: Come on!
CURLY: OHH!! OH, PLEASE!! OOH!!
MOE: [ releasing Curly’s eyebrow ] Come on, we wanna rehearse!
[ Moe walks over to Larry, who’s laying down on the bed and smoking a cigarette. Moe takes Larry’s cigarette out from his mouth, then pulls him by the hair. ]
MOE: Come on, get up!
LARRY: Alright.
[ Larry gets up and stands next to Moe and Curly ]
MOE: Come on, the finale!
ALL STOOGES: Ready, ready!
[ The Stooges begin stomping on the floor and dancing in a crazy, rhythmic way ]
MOE: HUP! HEY! HAI-HAI-HAI!
ALL STOOGES: HAI-HAI-HAI! HEY! HAI! HO! HUP! HAI-HAI-HAI! HAI-HAI-HAI!
[ In another apartment, an actor named Paul Pain enters and walks up to his roommate, who looks upset ]
PAUL PAIN: Well, why the tragic pose? You seem all excited.
ROOMMATE: Those idiots across the hall are driving me crazy with their hoofing!
PAUL PAIN: Well, don’t worry, my darling… for I, Paul Pain!, shall see they disturb you no more!
[ The Stooges are still stomping and dancing ]
MOE: HAI-HAI!!
LARRY: HAI-HAI!
[ The Stooges stand back up from the floor. At the same time, Paul Pain opens the Stooges’ door. ]
PAUL PAIN: Say, what’s the idea of--
[ The Stooges dance side-by-side right past Paul and out of the apartment ]
PAUL PAIN: I-- Wh--
[ The Stooges continue dancing side-by-side into Paul Pain’s apartment, where his roommate watches in confusion. The Stooges then bow forward and Larry and Curly’s arms accidentally bop Moe on the head. ]
MOE: Ooh!
[ Paul angrily leaves the Stooges apartment and walks back to his own ]
PAUL PAIN: See here! What is all this rumpus?!!
MOE: We’re actors and we gotta rehearse! [ pauses ] Say! Who are you, anyway?
PAUL PAIN: I? I’m Paul Pain!, the heartthrob of millions!
LARRY: What’s a heartthrob???
CURLY: A pain in the neck! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
[ Moe holds out his right fist and Curly slaps it down, causing Moe’s right arm to spin around and bop Curly on the head ]
CURLY: Ooh!
[ Moe pokes Curly in the eyes ]
CURLY: OOH!!!
MOE: [ to Paul Pain ] It’s all right… Throbby!
[ Joe the monkey enters the apartment and hops right on top of Paul Pain, frightening him ]
LARRY: [ pointing to the monkey ] Look!
[ Moe and Curly look over and notice the monkey grabbing Paul Pain’s toupee ]
MOE: Get off of there!!
[ The monkey yanks off Paul’s toupee, then hops off of Paul’s shoulders with it ]
MOE: Joe! Joe!
[ A bald Paul Pain looks around angrily as the Stooges point and laugh at him ]
CURLY: A baldheaded heartthrob!
[ Paul looks down at the monkey and is about to begin to swing his cane at it ]
PAUL PAIN: You--! Why--
MOE: [ grabs Paul’s arm and stops him ] Hey! Hit somebody your size! [ pokes Paul in the eyes ]
PAUL PAIN: Y-- OHH!! OHHHH!!!
MOE: [ to the monkey ] Up, you!
[ The monkey hops on Moe’s shoulder, and Curly places Paul’s toupee sloppily on top of Paul’s head ]
MOE: Ready, boys?
LARRY: Right!
CURLY: Right!
[ The Stooges begin dancing arm-in-arm again out of Paul’s apartment. Larry waves to Paul’s roommate. ]
LARRY: Toodle-oo!
PAUL PAIN: Mmm! I’ll show them!
ROOMMATE: Paul, don’t start anything now! We’ll be on the train in an hour!
PAUL PAIN: Oh, yeah?! Well, they can’t poke fun at me!
[ Paul walks straight ahead without looking and bumps right into the wall ]
PAUL PAIN: OOMPH! OHHHH!!
[ Paul dazedly walks backwards and lays down on the bed as his roommate tends to him ]
[ Downstairs on the first floor, the phone is ringing and the landlady goes over and pick it up ]
LANDLADY: Hello?
[ The camera shows an outside shot of a door which says “GOLDSTEIN, GOLDBERG, GOLDBLATT, AND O’BRIEN - BOOKING AGENTS”. Inside the room, a man with a thick Jewish accent is speaking on the other line of the phone call. ]
MR. O’BRIEN: This is Goldstein, Goldberg, Goldblatt, and O’Brien - Booking Agents. O’Brien speaking. [ pauses ] Yes, O’Brien speaking! I want to talk to the Three Stooges!
LANDLADY: Oh, just a minute! I’ll call them. [ yelling towards upstairs ] TELEPHONE FOR THE THREE STOOOOOOOOOOOOOGES!!!
[ The Stooges suddenly come rushing downstairs at the phone and the landlady jumps out the way ]
CURLY: WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO!!
[ Larry grabs the phone receiver and pulls it, stretching the phone wire across Moe’s face ]
CURLY: [ into the phone handle ] Hello?
[ Moe slaps Curly ]
CURLY: Ooh!
LARRY: [ into the phone receiver ] Hello!
MOE: [ pulling Larry by the hair ] Away! [ grabs the phone receiver and speaks into it ] Hello?
CURLY: [ to Larry ] Hello!
LARRY: Hello-- [ does a double-take, then slaps Curly on the head ] Aww!
CURLY: Ooh!
MR. OBRIEN: [ to Moe over the phone ] Listen - I got a job for you in a show. We want you should fill in for an act in “Panics of 1936”. Be over at the
MOE: Yes!
LARRY AND CURLY: Yes???
MOE: Yes!!
LARRY AND CURLY: Yes???
MOE: Yes!!!
LARRY AND CURLY: Yes???
MOE: Yes, yes!
LARRY AND CURLY: Yes???
MOE: Yes!
LARRY AND CURLY: Yes???
[ Moe hangs up the phone ]
CURLY: What is it??? What is it???
MOE: Yes!
CURLY: Oh, boy! YES!!
[ Moe and Larry begin running back upstairs ]
CURLY: Yes, what???
MOE: A job!!!
CURLY: WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO!!
[ Curly runs up the stairs with Moe and Larry ]
[ The scene ends, and the next scene begins with the Stooges in their apartment. Moe opens a big empty suitcase trunk and Larry places a hat inside of it. ]
LARRY: There you are.
MOE: Now we all packed?
LARRY: Right!
MOE: Right!
[ Moe closes the suitcase and puts a big lock over the opening of it ]
MOE: [ to Curly ] Get it up.
[ Curly begins to lift the big suitcase over his back, but stops ]
CURLY: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
[ Curly runs over to the oven and pulls out the steaming cooked boot again. He puts it on one of his feet, and his foot burns as a result. ]
CURLY: WOO! WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO!!! HAHHH!! HAHHH!!
MOE: Come on! Get this trunk up!
[ Curly lifts the big suitcase over his back ]
MOE: Come on, now. Get goin’.
CURLY: How far do I carry this?
MOE: Just down to the depot. [ to the pet monkey ] Come on, Joe.
[ The monkey hops on Moe’s shoulder ]
[ Curly accidentally bumps the suitcase very loudly into the door ]
LARRY: SHH!!
MOE: [ whispering to Curly ] We gotta sneak by the landlady! You know we owe her plenty! Now, go on!
[ Curly leaves the apartment with the suitcase, and Moe and Larry follow him ]
CURLY: I’m not gonna do it anymore, I’ll tell ya that!
MOE: Be quiet!
[ The Stooges begin walking down the stairs ]
CURLY: Say, this is heavy! I can’t carry this! I need some help!
[ Curly stops walking down the stairs ]
MOE: Stop stallin’ now, and get goin’!
CURLY: What do you think I am, a mule?
MOE: You heard me now! I don’t want any more arguments! Drop the whole thing!
CURLY: Oh, I--
[ Curly drops the suitcase behind him and it bangs very loudly down the stairs, landing right next to the landlady’s door. The landlady runs out of her office and sees what’s going on. The Stooges nervously walk down the stairs. ]
LARRY: Ahem… [ to Curly ] Say, that’s a nice shirt you got on. How long do you wear a shirt like that?
CURLY: Oh… about down to there [ points to his ankle ].
LARRY: Oh, three or four days, eh?
CURLY: Why, yes… Now, I have something to say that I--
LANDLADY: And where do you think you’re going without paying the rent???
MOE: Well, we were just on our way to hock the trunk so we could pay you!
LARRY: Hey, hock a chynick for me, too, would ya--
[ Moe kicks Larry in the foot ]
LARRY: OHH!!!
LANDLADY: Ohh, no you don’t! I’ll call a policeman!
CURLY: Oh, there’s no sense in calling a policeman, lady - I’m a G-Man! [ opens a side of his coat as if he has a badge ] What’s all the fuss?
LANDLADY: I want you to arrest these men!
CURLY: [ to Moe and Larry ] You’re under arrest! Get that trunk along as evidence! Come on, get goin’!
[ Moe and Larry pick up the suitcase trunk ]
CURLY: Come on now! Come on!
LARRY: Sorry, G-Man!
CURLY: [ to the landlady ] I’ll see that they get time-and-a-half overtime plus - don’t worry about it, toots!
[ The Stooges exit the building ]
LANDLADY: Thank you! That’s very nice of you! [ does a double-take when she realizes what happened ] OHH!! OHHHH!!!
[ The landlady runs outside of the building, where the Stooges are talking to each other ]
CURLY: [ to Moe and Larry ] Well, I gotcha outta that!
LANDLADY: HELP, HELP!! POLICE!! I’VE BEEN ROBBED!!
[ The Stooges grab their suitcase and dash away. They accidentally trip a man over backwards with their suitcase, and knock another man down with the suitcase. Then they run by a ladder on which a carpenter is standing on top of, hammering on the side of a building. The Stooges accidentally knock the ladder down with the suitcase, leaving the carpenter hanging on the ledge of the building. ]
CARPENTER: HEY!!! HEEEEYYYY!!!!!!
[ The scene ends, and the next scene begins with the Stooges still running and entering the train depot ]
MOE: Come on, fellas! Come on!
[ Larry and Curly accidentally bump the suitcase into a pole and drop it. They begin to run back for it. ]
MOE: Hey, come on! Never mind the trunk!
[ The Stooges run up to a train, where many actors are standing outside of it, along with manager Mr. Johnson. He’s reading and checking off names from of a paper he has in his hand. ]
JOHNSON: Hilda Title?
HILDA TITLE: Here!
JOHNSON: Bob Burns?
BOB BURNS: Here.
[ Paul Pain and his roommate walk up to Mr. Johnson ]
JOHNSON: Ah! How do you do, Mr. Pain?
PAUL PAIN: Hello, Johnson.
JOHNSON: Your drawing room’s all ready.
PAUL PAIN: Well, that’s lovely.
JOHNSON: Yeah.
[ The Stooges walk up to Johnson ]
MOE: Hi, everybody! How are ya?
LARRY: How are ya?
MOE: We are the Three Stooges and Company! [ pauses ] Say! How about our reservations?
JOHNSON: Oh, yes. Uh… Three Stooges. Now wait. [ reads off his paper ] You’re in, um…
[ Joe the monkey jumps on Paul Pain’s shoulders and yanks off his toupee again. Paul’s roommate covers her mouth in surprise and everybody else laughs. Paul angrily grabs his toupee away from the monkey. ]
PAUL PAIN: Gimme that! [ to Johnson ] Johnson!!!
JOHNSON: Yes?
PAUL PAIN: If that monkey gets on this train - I quit!!
JOHNSON: Leave it to me, Mr. Pain. I’ll take care of everything.
PAUL PAIN: Ohh, don’t talk to me! [ enters the train ]
JOHNSON: [ to the Stooges ] Put that monkey in the baggage car!
LARRY: He might get hurt!
JOHNSON: I said he goes in the baggage car, or you guys don’t work! Now scram!!
CONDUCTOR: ALL ABOOOOOOAAAAAARD!!!
[ Johnson and all the remaining actors quickly enter the train. The Stooges run over towards the baggage car, but the door slams shut on them and the train begins taking off. ]
ALL STOOGES: HEY!! HEY!!
[ The scene ends, and the next scene begins with Moe and Larry climbing onto the back of the train. They struggle to help up Curly, then after he gets in, they all enter the train door. ]
LARRY: What’ll we do with the monk now?
[ The Stooges look around ]
CURLY: [ pointing to a duffel bag ] Let’s put ‘im in the bag!
MOE: Hurry up!
[ Larry and Curly open up the duffel bag ]
MOE: [ to the monkey ] Quiet now! Get in there!
[ The monkey jumps inside the bag ]
MOE: Quiet!
[ The Stooges clear their throats, and begin strolling down the train happily as if nothing is wrong. They stop by several women, including Hilda Title, who are all talking and laughing. ]
MOE: Ah! Hiya, girls! Meet the Three Stooges - comedy, singin’, dancin’, and snappy dialogue!
CURLY: [ to Hilda Title ] I think after we get settled, I’ll find a little time for you, shorty! [ rubs his hand under her chin ] Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk--
[ Hilda suddenly slaps Curly’s hand away ]
MOE: Spread out!!
CURLY: Oh, jealous, eh?
[ Inside of Paul Pain’s drawing room, a waiter is serving him a platter of cooked crab ]
WAITER: Will this do, sir?
PAUL PAIN: Hmm! Fresh crab and champagne should please any lady!
MOE: [ to Hilda Title ] Say, baby - can you tell us where we…boys bunk tonight?
[ Hilda looks at the Stooges with an annoyed expression, then looks down the hallway and sees Paul Pain exiting his drawing room ]
HILDA TITLE: [ to the Stooges ] Why, yes. That’s your drawing room down there. [ points to Paul Pain’s drawing room ]
MOE: Okay, honeysuckle, we’ll be seein’ ya later! [ to Curly and Larry ] Alright, boys…
[ The Stooges begin dancing away arm-in-arm. Hilda looks at the other ladies with a smirk, then Curly suddenly grabs Hilda by the arm, taking her with the Stooges. They all enter the drawing room together. Moe takes off his hat. ]
CURLY: [ looking at Hilda ] Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
[ The Stooges notice the platter with the cooked crab on it ]
LARRY: Oh, just in time for lunch!
MOE: What is that?
CURLY: Why, you ignoramus, don’cha know???
MOE: No!
LARRY: Why, it looks like a--
MOE: Well, wiseguys, what is it?!
LARRY: It’s a spider--
CURLY: Turtle!!
MOE: [ to Larry ] Tryin’ to kid somebody, eh? [ a beat ] I knew it was a turtle all the time! [ bonks Larry on the head ] Sit down!
[ Larry sits down ]
LARRY: Whaddaya do with it?
MOE: Why, ya eat it! Wait a minute now, and I’ll cut you a slice.
[ Curly begins picking from the crab with his hand ]
MOE: Get your hand outta there!
[ With a knife and fork, Moe begins trying to slice a hard part of the crab, and he ends up backing his elbow too far and bonking Larry on the head behind him ]
LARRY: OHH!
[ Moe puts down the knife and jabs the fork repeatedly into the hard crab part over and over again, making a loud knocking noise ]
CURLY: [ looking at the door ] Come in!
[ Moe stops banging the fork into the crab when he realizes that the fork is now bent ]
MOE: How do ya like that?
[ Moe puts down the fork and picks up the crab with his hands ]
MOE: Everything will be alright, once I get the thing straightened out.
[ Moe struggles trying to break the crab in half, but he can’t. He looks over at Curly, then picks up and drops Curly’s napkin on the floor. ]
MOE: Hey, you dropped your serviette!
CURLY: Oh, thank you!
[ As Curly bends over to pick it up, Moe holds the crab on top of Curly’s head and bangs on the crab, breaking it in a few pieces ]
CURLY: OHHHH!! OHH! OHH! Ooh, the place has got mice!
MOE: [ giving Curly a part of the crab ] There we are!
[ Curly takes a bite from the crab, then offers a piece to Hilda Title ]
CURLY: Want some?
HILDA TITLE: Oh, I just love crab! [ takes the crab piece ]
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! She don’t know it’s a turtle! Ha ha!
[ Curly takes the edible parts of the crab out and chomps down on the hard parts of the crab. He holds up one of the hard pieces and looks at Hilda. ]
CURLY: You ain’t eatin’ the best stuff!
MOE: [ to Larry ] Like it?
LARRY: Yeah, but I don’t like the stuffing.
[ Moe hesitatingly begins chewing down one of the hard crab pieces with a confused look on his face ]
MOE: I like these little points. [ chews on another piece ] Yeah… I like these little points… [ clears throat, then laughs nervously ]
[ Moe places a large crab piece on the table ]
MOE: [ to Curly ] Crack that for me, will ya?
CURLY: Soitenly!
[ Curly accidentally bangs Moe’s hand with a fork ]
MOE: OWW!!
[ Moe picks up an orange slice from the platter and squeezes it in front of Curly’s face, squirting juice in Curly’s eye ]
CURLY: OOOH!!
[ Larry slowly chews on one hard crab piece, then almost chokes on it. Moe swallows one piece and bangs his chest repeatedly afterwards. Curly swallows one piece and begins shaking his head forward for a few seconds, then spits back out the crab pieces. Curly looks in front of him and notices a champagne bottle. ]
CURLY: Ohh! Bubble Water!
[ As soon as Curly stands up to reach for the bottle, they all hear a loud rattling noise coming from his stomach, from all the hard crab pieces he swallowed. Moe rubs Curly’s stomach and the rattling noise continues. ]
CURLY: WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO!! [ sits back down ]
[ Paul Pain opens the drawing room door from outside and is surprised to see the Stooges inside ]
PAUL PAIN: What are you haps doing into this drawing room?!?
[ The Stooges look at each other with nervous expressions ]
PAUL PAIN: Ooh! [ looks around ] JOHNSON!! JOHNSONNNNN!!!!
[ Johnson, who was sleeping in his berth, wakes up and raises his head quickly, only to bump it on the low ceiling above him ]
JOHNSON: OOH!! AHHH!!
[ Johnson gets out from his berth and begins heading over to Paul Pain’s dressing room ]
PAUL PAIN: JOHNSONNNNN!!! JOHNSONNNNN!!!
[ Johnson arrives at Paul’s dressing room, and notices the Stooges ]
JOHNSON: What’s the meaning of this?!
MOE: [ pointing at Paul Pain ] Well, this igarooni tried to crash our party!
JOHNSON: What do you mean by invading the star’s drawing room?!
[ Moe turns over to Curly ]
MOE: What do you mean by invading the star’s drawing room?! [ slaps Curly on the forehead ]
CURLY: OY!! It was a mistake! [ hands several crab pieces to Paul Pain ] Here, have this refilled!
JOHNSON: Now, come on and get out of here! Come on!
[ Johnson begins pulling the Stooges out of the room ]
PAUL PAIN: Get out!! GET OUT!!
LARRY: We didn’t know!
PAUL PAIN: GET OUT!!!
[ Curly reaches over and tries to grab the champagne bottle, but Paul Pain smacks his hand away ]
CURLY: Oh, a cheapie, eh?!
[ Curly waves his arm at Paul Pain, then backs away and accidentally bumps into the wall behind him ]
PAUL PAIN: Get out!
[ Curly leaves the drawing room and walks with Moe and Larry, who are following Johnson. They stop in the aisle between two rows of berths, where a train porter is standing on a ladder and placing pillows in the berths. ]
MOE: Say, where’s our drawing room?
JOHNSON: Your berth’s up there! [ pointing to the upper row of berths ]
CURLY: [ angrily ] What, three in one?!?
JOHNSON: Yeah!! What about it?!?
CURLY: [ timidly ] Well, that’s what I thought you said! Nyuk!
JOHNSON: If I hear another sound out of you birds, I’ll have you thrown off the train!
CURLY: Okay, boss.
JOHNSON: Now, be quiet - I gotta get some sleep! [ leaves ]
PORTER: Take your luggage for you, boss.
[ The porter picks up the bag with Joe the monkey in it, and the porter hears the monkey making noises inside of it. The porter makes a surprised expression, then he sets the luggage on a berth bed. As soon as he cracks the luggage bag open a little, the monkey leaps out and into the porter’s face. ]
PORTER: AAAAAHHHH!!!
MOE: Easy, easy!
[ The porter falls backwards off the ladder and onto the floor. Several other train passengers peek their heads out from their berths. ]
PASSENGER’S VOICE #1: Hey, quiet there!
PASSENGER’S VOICE #2: We’re trying to sleep!
[ Moe looks around for Joe the monkey ]
MOE: Where’s the monk???
LARRY: He’s gone!
MOE: Call him out now, will ya?
[ The Stooges begin searching all around the train for the monkey ]
MOE: Joe?
CURLY: Joe?
LARRY: Joe?
CURLY: Joe?
LARRY: Joe?
CURLY: Joe?
LARRY: Joe?
MOE: Joe?!!
[ The monkey crawls inside of a woman’s berth. The woman is asleep, and the monkey crawls right up to her face. ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] Come on, Joe!
LARRY: [ off-camera ] That’s our meal ticket!
SLEEPING WOMAN: [ while dreaming ] Mother, dear - at last you’re here.
LARRY: [ off-camera ] Joe?
CURLY: [ off-camera ] Joe?
LARRY: [ off-camera ] Joe?
SLEEPING WOMAN: Kiss me, darling.
[ The monkey sticks his tongue out and touches the side of the woman’s face with it ]
[ Right outside of the woman’s berth, Curly is still looking for Joe ]
CURLY: Here, Joe! Come on, Joe!
SLEEPING WOMAN: [ off-camera ] What’s the matter, dear?
CURLY: I’m lookin’ for Joe!
[ Curly does a double-take, then looks around wondering where the voice came from ]
SLEEPING WOMAN: [ off-camera ] Come to my arms, my pet.
[ Curly smiles, then turns around and opens the curtains to the woman’s berth. The monkey quickly crawls out of the scene as Curly peeks his head in and sees the sleeping woman, who’s still talking in her sleep. ]
SLEEPING WOMAN: It’s good to see you, dear.
CURLY: It’s good to see you, too.
SLEEPING WOMAN: Why didn’t you write?
CURLY: I don’t know your address!! [ laughs coyly ]
SLEEPING WOMAN: Oh, my sweet - kiss me. Kiss me.
[ Curly slaps his face in embarrassment and giggles, then leans over and kisses the sleeping woman. She quickly opens her eyes and sees Curly. ]
SLEEPING WOMAN: AAAAHHH!!! JOHNSON!!! AAAAAHHHH!!
[ Johnson wakes up in his berth and raises his head quickly, banging it on the low ceiling ]
JOHNSON: OOOHH!! GOSH!!
SLEEPING WOMAN: [ off-camera ] JOHNSON!!
JOHNSON: [ holding his head in pain ] Gosh!!
[ Johnson gets out of his berth and walks over to Curly and the woman. The woman smacks Curly in the face. ]
CURLY: OOH!
JOHNSON: What’s the matter?!
CURLY: Mr. Johnson, did you meet Miss--
SLEEPING WOMAN: This peeping tom tried to kiss me in my sleep!
[ Johnson angrily grabs Curly by the collar and pulls him over with Moe and Larry ]
CURLY: I thought she wanted to play Post Office!
JOHNSON: If you guys don’t go to sleep, I’ll brain ya!! Now, get to bed!! [ leaves ]
LARRY: I guess he wants us to go to sleep.
MOE: Yeah. [ to Larry ] Come on, get up!
LARRY: Alright.
[ Moe and Curly lift Larry up by the legs ]
MOE: Up ya go!
LARRY: Alright!
MOE: Easy!
[ Larry tries to reach the top berth, but he almost falls backwards ]
LARRY: Oh!! Ugh!
[ Larry’s feet get caught inside of Moe and Curly’s vests ]
LARRY: OH! Get me loose!!
CURLY: Get your foot outta my vest!
MOE: You’re spoilin’ the wardrobe!
LARRY: Let me down!
MOE: OH!
[ Moe and Curly fall down and Larry lands on his feet, which are still caught in Moe and Curly’s vests ]
MOE: Get up, you!
[ Larry tries to walk away and his legs pull Moe and Curly along with him ]
MOE: Where ya goin’?
CURLY: Wait a minute!
MOE: Wait a minute!! [ begins unbuttoning his vest ] I’ll let ya go in a minute.
LARRY: Yeah.
[ Moe opens up his vest, freeing Larry's leg and causing him to fall forward on the floor ]
LARRY: OHH!!
MOE: You wanna go, eh?
[ Moe grabs Larry up from the floor by his hair ]
LARRY: AHHHH-HA!! AHHH!!
[ Curly picks up Larry’s loose shoe and hands it to him ]
LARRY: What do you think I am, a toe-dancer?!
CURLY: Wait a minute, fellas! Get me a couple of suitcases - I got an idea!
MOE: Okay!
[ The Stooges grab a couple of nearby suitcases from berths, making a loud noise. Inside one of the berths, a man is guzzling down a bottle of liquor, then he begins coughing. He picks up a bottle of chaser and sprays it in his mouth, then gargles it down. Finally, he reacts to the loud noise caused by the Stooges from outside the berth. ]
DRUNK MAN: What’s that noise down there?!?
[ Outside the berth, the Stooges have several suitcases piled up, and Curly stands on top of it, while Moe and Larry are helping him up. ]
MOE: Easy, now.
[ Curly begins falling backwards off the pile of suitcases ]
CURLY: Wait a minute!! Wait a minute!!
LARRY: OHHH!!
[ The Stooges all crash on the ground. Johnson wakes up inside his berth and raises his head quickly, bumping his head on the low ceiling. ]
JOHNSON: OHHHH!!
[ Johnson pokes his head out from his berth and sees the Stooges on the floor ]
JOHNSON: What are you guys doin’?
LARRY: We’re sleepin’!
[ The Stooges pretend to fall asleep and snore loudly right on the spot ]
JOHNSON: Get back in your berth!!
[ The Stooges quickly get up from the ground and Johnson goes back inside his berth ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Come on, get up there! Didn’t you hear the boss?!
LARRY: Alright!
[ Moe and Curly begin lifting Larry up towards the top berth. One of the passengers, Bob Burns, pokes his head out from one of the lower berths. ]
BOB BURNS: Say, what’s going on out here--
[ Larry steps right on Bob Burns’ face to boost himself up ]
BOB BURNS: OOOOH!!
[ Larry jumps up into the top berth and bangs his head on the ceiling ]
LARRY: Uhh!
MOE: [ to Curly ] Come on, you’re next. Get goin’!
LARRY: Hey, I’ll help ya!
[ From the top berth, Larry reaches out his hand to help pull Curly up. Curly stands on top of Moe’s back and grabs Larry’s hand, but ends up pulling Larry down from the berth. ]
LARRY: AAAAUGH!!
[ The Stooges all fall on top of each other and fall on the floor ]
LARRY: OHHH!!
[ The Stooges get up from the floor ]
MOE: [ to Curly ] Hey, puddin’-head, come here.
CURLY: Right!
MOE: [ to Larry ] Now, porcupine, you’re goin’ up there this time! [ to Curly ] Cup your hands!
[ Curly holds his hands open in a cup-shape ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Get your foot up there!
[ Larry stands one foot on top of Curly’s cupped hands ]
MOE: Alley--
LARRY: Right!
MOE: Ready!
[ Moe and Curly quickly lift Larry up, throwing him in the air ]
LARRY: RIGHT!!
[ Larry ends up landing in the opposite side of the Stooges’ berth, right on top of a big, tall woman ]
BIG WOMAN: AAHHHHH!!
[ Moe and Curly are looking up towards the Stooges’ berth, wondering why Larry isn’t there ]
CURLY: Where is he???
MOE: He’s gone! I wonder where he can be!
[ Larry pokes his head out from the big woman’s top berth ]
LARRY: Here I am!
[ Moe reaches up and grabs Larry by the hair, pulling him down ]
MOE: Get down outta there! The matter witchoo?!
[ The big woman looks out of her berth at the Stooges ]
BIG WOMAN: What’s going on down there?!
CURLY: We can’t get in our berth!
BIG WOMAN: I’ll be right down… [ crawls and jumps out from her berth ]
LARRY: Say, will you help us get up there?
BIG WOMAN: I suppose I’d better, or you’ll keep me up all night!
LARRY: Okay!
BIG WOMAN: [ cups her hand open for Larry ] Come on.
[ Larry stands up on the woman’s cupped hands and she boosts him back up to the Stooges’ berth. Larry bangs his head right on the ceiling, then he moves his head back and hits it on the ceiling again. He lays back down in a daze on his pillow. ]
BIG WOMAN: [ to Moe ] Come on.
MOE: Take it easy with me, will ya?
[ Curly pats the woman on top of the head, as Moe stands up on the woman’s cupped hands. She boosts Moe up to the Stooges’ berth, and he lands right on top of Larry. ]
LARRY: OWWW!!
[ Larry leans up and dazedly looks at Moe ]
LARRY: Oh, Nellie, you’re here at last!
MOE: You got me wrong, stranger!
[ Moe pulls Larry up quickly and slams Larry’s head into the ceiling ]
LARRY: Oh!
[ Larry gets knocked out and lays back down on his pillow. ]
[ The big woman grabs Curly by the back and swings him backwards, then tosses him all the way up to the Stooges’ berth ]
CURLY: WOO! WOO! WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO!!
[ Curly lands on top of Moe and Larry ]
MOE: OHH!
LARRY: AAAHHH!!
MOE: You big lummox! You wanna give me birth marks?!
CURLY: I’m a victim of coicumstance!
MOE: Lay down!
CURLY: Move over! [ begins laying on his pillow ]
[ Moe looks over at Larry, who’s snoring loudly ]
MOE: [ wakes Larry up ] Hey!
LARRY: Huh?
MOE: Wake up and go to sleep!
LARRY: Al-- [ does a double-take ] Huh???
CURLY: Maybe if we take our clothes off, we’ll have more room.
MOE: Good idea!
LARRY: Yeah.
[ The Stooges all try to pull their coats off at the same time, bumping their arms into each other’s faces ]
LARRY: Wait a minute! One guy at a time!
MOE AND CURLY: Okay!
[ The Stooges once again try pulling their coats off at the same time and bump their arms into each other ]
CURLY: Ooh!
MOE: [ to Larry ] Lay down!
[ A woman with large pins on the top of her hat is walking down the train hallway. Just as she walks next to the Stooges’ berth, the train shakes to the side, which sends the woman leaning right on the curtain covering Stooges’ berth. The pins in her hat stick through the curtains and stab Curly in the behind. ]
CURLY: OOOWWWWWW!!! Woo woo woo!
MOE: What’s the matter witchoo?!?
CURLY: A dog bit me!
MOE: Ehh!
LARRY: Gimme room!!
[ The Stooges move in the berth slightly, and all three of them suddenly fall right out ]
ALL STOOGES: WHOAAA!!
[ The Stooges slam on the floor. Johnson wakes up and raises his head quickly, slamming it on the low ceiling. ]
JOHNSON: OOOOHH!! Guh!!
[ Johnson looks out of his berth and sees the Stooges ]
JOHNSON: AREN’T YOU GUYS ASLEEP YET?!?
CURLY: Soitenly! I dreamed we saw a swimmin’ pool, so we dove in!
JOHNSON: Well, dive back in that berth, or I’ll make you dive off this train!!
[ The Stooges quickly stand up ]
MOE: [ to Curly ] Nightmares you had to have, huh?
CURLY: Yeah, but this was in Technicolor!
[ Moe gives Curly a double-handed slap twice ]
CURLY: OOH! OHH-HO!
MOE: [ to Larry ] And what was the matter with you?!
LARRY: I’m a light sleeper!
MOE: Oh, light sleeper, eh?! [ grabs a suitcase from the floor ]
LARRY: What are ya gonna do with that?
[ Moe hits Larry on the head with the suitcase ]
LARRY: OHH!!
[ Moe hits Curly on the head with the suitcase ]
CURLY: OOOH-OOH-OOH!!
[ Larry tries to crawl away on the floor, but Moe tosses the suitcase right at Larry, hitting him again ]
MOE: Get out!!
[ Paul Pain angrily steps out of his drawing room ]
PAUL PAIN: What’s all this noise?! How can I sleep?! JOHNSONNN!!!
[ Johnson wakes up and raises his head quickly, banging it on the low ceiling ]
JOHNSON: OHH!! [ slowly groans in anger ]
PAUL PAIN: JOHNSONNNNNN!!!!
[ Johnson rushes out of his berth, pushing the Stooges out of the way as he walks up to Paul Pain ]
ALL STOOGES: Ooh!
JOHNSON: I’m sorry, Mr. Pain - it won’t happen again!
PAUL PAIN: Well… see that it don’t!
JOHNSON: It’s all right, it won’t happen anymore!
[ While Johnson and Paul are talking, Joe the monkey crawls into Paul’s bed and hides under the covers. Paul closes his room door and takes off his robe and slippers, then lays down in bed. After a few seconds, Paul feels the monkey crawling up his pant leg. ]
PAUL PAIN: AAAAAHH!! AAAAHHHHAAAAAHHHHHH!!! AAAAAH!!!
[ Paul quickly jumps up from his bed and frantically hops all over the place and shakes his leg, trying to get the monkey out ]
PAUL PAIN: HELP!!! AHHHHAAAAHHHHH!! GET OUT!!
[ Johnson wakes up and raises his head quickly, banging it on the low ceiling ]
PAUL PAIN: HELP!! HELP!! SOMEBODY!! AAHHHHHAAHHAAHHHH!!!
[ Paul finally gets the monkey out of his pant leg, and the monkey hides under the bed ]
PAUL PAIN: OOOOOOOH!!! JOHNSONNNNNNN!!!!
[ Johnson enters Paul’s room, and the Stooges are standing outside the door ]
JOHNSON: What’s the matter now?!
PAUL PAIN: That monkey! That infernal beast!! He was in my bed! He bit me, I tell you!!
JOHNSON: Why, that’s impossible! I had him put in the baggage car!
PAUL PAIN: Oh, did you?! He was in here!!
[ Joe the monkey crawls from under the bed over to the Stooges. Moe picks him up and shoves him up the back of Curly’s coat to hide him. ]
JOHNSON: [ to the Stooges ] Where’s that monkey?!
LARRY: We put him in the baggage car like you said, boss.
[ The monkey begins making loud noises ]
JOHNSON: What’s that I hear???
MOE: Oh, you shouldn’t believe everything you hear, Mr. Johnson!
JOHNSON: Ehh…
[ Johnson pushes the Stooges down the train hallway. Back inside the drunk man’s berth, he’s holding a pair of scissors in his hands and is trimming his nails. Joe the monkey’s tail sticks out from the back of Curly’s coat to the inside of the drunk man’s berth. The man gets a shocked look on his face when he notices. ]
JOHNSON: [ off-camera ] That monkey’s in this car somewhere, and I’m gonna find it!!
[ The drunk man holds his scissors up towards the monkey’s tail and aims forward, but the tail curls out of the way before the man can cut it. Then the man tries to cut the tail a second time, but the tail curls out of the way yet again. Then the man tries one more time and this time, he succeeds in squeezing the monkey’s tail with the scissors. The monkey screeches and leaps out from the back of Curly’s coat. ]
CURLY: OOHHHH!!
JOHNSON: Oh, there he is!!
[ The monkey hangs on the train’s break cable on the ceiling. Johnson tries to pull the screeching monkey down, unintentionally yanking the break cable as well and signaling it. The train conductor suddenly stops the train to a halt, and everybody standing in the train falls over. The conductor walks out. ]
CONDUCTOR: Who pulled that cord?!?
JOHNSON: [ pointing at the Stooges ] They did!
CONDUCTOR: Let’s throw ‘em out!!
JOHNSON: Come on, get outta here!!
[ Johnson, the conductor, and Paul Pain grab the Stooges up from the floor and drag them out to the back of the train. ]
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!!
LARRY: Take it easy, now! Wait a minute!
[ Johnson, the conductor, and Paul Pain lift up the Stooges ]
LARRY: OWWWW!! OOHHHHOOWW!!
MOE: OOOWWWWWW!!!
[ The Stooges are thrown off the back of the train ]
CURLY: WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO!!
LARRY: AAAAHHH!!
[ The Stooges land in an area of bushes. After a quick second, three bulls charge out from behind the bushes and run around wildly with the Stooges on their backs. ]
ALL STOOGES: WHOOOAAAAA!!! OW-OW-OW-OW!!!
THE END
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