Lobby Cards: The Classic Comedies (The Michael Hawks Collection: Volume II)
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Transcribed By: Xraffle
Date Added: 2008-07-18
[The short opens up with the stooges entering a room carrying a large door that they plan to install]
MOE: Left, right. Halt!
[The stooges set the door in the middle of the room. The stooges walk away getting ready to get to work. Moe turns to Larry]
MOE: Get the tools.
LARRY: What tools?
[Moe grabs Larry’s hair and holds onto it.]
MOE: The tools we’ve been using for the last ten years.
[Moe lets go of Larry’s hair]
LARRY: Oh! Those tools!
[Moe faces Curly]
MOE: Now let me see. The door goes on the right.
[Moe looks at both of his hands to figure out which is his right one.]
MOE: Right! [points towards his right]
CURLY: Wait a minute!
[Curly stops Moe thinking he’s wrong because he’s facing Moe in the opposite direction]
CURLY: The man said the door goes on the right. [points to his right, which is Moe's left.]
[Moe gets an angry look on his face thinking Curly is wrong.]
MOE: [makes a fist] What’s this?
CURLY: A fist.
[Moe bonks Curly in the forehead]
CURLY: Ahhh!
MOE: Right or left?
[Curly looks confused and tries to think for a moment.]
MOE: Oh! Ignorant, eh!
[Moe bonks Curly on the head]
CURLY: Ohh!
MOE: Now listen, grapehead. I’m gonna explain it so even you can understand it.
[Moe grabs Curly and turns him around]
MOE: Now here. Get over here. Now when I say go. We both point to the right. Go!
[They each point to the right, but since they’re facing each other again, they points to their own right side.]
MOE: [to Larry] Hey Porcupine!
[Larry turns around]
MOE: Come here.
[Larry walks up to Moe. He faces Moe and Curly]
MOE: Point to the right for this chump, will ya?
[Larry points to his right. Since he’s facing Moe and Curly, his right is in a completely different direction.]
CURLY: See.
[Moe slaps Moe and Larry]
CURLY: Ahhhh!
MOE: Get busy. Come on! Where’s the map?
[Curly walks into Moe and bumps into him]
MOE: Over there. [points to the direction behind Curly]
[Moe walks up to the table, grabs the blueprints, and looks at it. He turns to Larry]
MOE: Get me a board.
LARRY: Get me a board. [turns to Curly]
CURLY: Get me... [turns around and before he finishes his line, he realizes that no one is behind him]
[Curly walks up to the door, opens it, walks through it and closes it behind him. He gets the board, walks up to the door, walks through it again, and closes it behind him]
[As Curly walks up to the table to bring back the board, we find Moe standing on top of the table.]
MOE: What’s keeping ya? [wondering where Curly is]
MOE: Make it six inches.
LARRY: Make it six inches. [turns to Curly]
CURLY: Make it six inches.
[Curly turns around with his back towards Larry. On Curly’s back, there is a ruler hanging]
[Larry grabs the ruler. He measures the table and hits Curly in the stomach with his elbow by accident]
LARRY: Get me the saw.
CURLY: The saw.
[Curly grabs the electric saw. He starts sawing the wood in half. However, the wood is placed on the table. So, without realizing it, he’s also cutting the table in half as well.]
[Curly finally finishes his sawing]
[Curly removes the saw and as he places the saw to the side, Larry pats on Curly’s back]
MOE: Give it to me.
[Moe, still on top of the table, turns around, and takes one step. Due to Curly’s careless sawing, the table splits in half causing Moe to fall to the floor.]
[Moe, looking badly hurt, struggles to get up. He finally gets up and takes a few steps]
CURLY: What happened?
[Moe turns to Curly in anger]
MOE: Nothing.
[Moe slaps both Curly and Larry together. He grabs a long piece of wood to hit them with. He then runs after them.]
[Moe and Larry run away and walk through the door they carried in before]
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo.
[Moe bumps into the side of the door as he runs after them. He becomes frustrated and he throws the large piece of wood away]
MOE: Shut that door!
[Curly looks angry. He slams the door shut and it falls over on Moe and he gets trapped under.]
MOE: Whoaaa!!! Help! Murder!
[Curly and Larry run around the fallen door to look for Moe]
CURLY: Where is he?
LARRY: He’s in there. [points to the door]
[Cut to a close-up of Moe trapped under the door]
MOE: Get me outta here.
[Larry and Curly stand right on top of the door and we hear the wood of the door creak]
MOE: Owwww!!!
[The camera cuts to Moe and Larry again. Curly grabs the door knob and pulls it, but can’t get it open]
MOE: Get that door open.
CURLY: I can’t. It’s locked. I ain’t got a key.
MOE: Get a saw.
[Curly grabs the electric saw and turns it on]
CURLY: Don’t lose your head, Moe. I’ll have you outta this in a jiffy. [He starts sawing the door]
MOE: Hurry up.
[Curly is struggling to saw the door]
[The saw is extremely close to Moe's face. He looks really terrified because the saw could end up sawing him by accident. Curly finishes sawing the entire door all around. Larry pushes the door down.]
MOE: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!! [Moe crashes to the lower floor due to Curly’s reckless sawing again. Curly ended up sawing both the door and floor]
[Moe tries to get all the pieces of wood off of him. Moe and Larry look through the hole in the floor]
CURLY: What are you doing down there?
MOE: Come here! [Looking up angry at Larry and Curly]
CURLY: [to Larry] I think he wants ya.
MOE: Both of ya.
[Curly look shocked and frustrated.]
[Dissolve to the lower floor. Moe is still sitting on the floor in anger waiting for Larry and Moe. Larry and Curly run up to Moe]
CURLY: Hey Moe. It was an accident. Honest. It’ll never happen again.
[Curly and Larry help Moe get up.]
CURLY: I couldn’t help it.
LARRY: Yeah, we didn’t---
[Curly and Larry say simultaneously]
[Moe hits both of them together in the stomach and bonks them on the head]
CURLY AND LARRY: Oh! Oh!
[Both Larry and Curly hold their head in pain]
LARRY: Aw! You only fell 14 feet. Why are you getting sore?
MOE: Is that all it was?
LARRY: Yeah.
MOE: Aw, well, I’m sorry fellas. Haha.
[Moe grabs Curly and Larry and he hits their heads against each other]
CURLY AND LARRY: Oh!
[Moe turns to Curly]
MOE: Why you rat!
[Curly bangs his stomach into Moe and Larry kicks him right after. They do this repeatedly]
MOE: Oof! Oh! Oh! Oh!
[Cut to a detective walking by. He sees the stooges fighting, shakes his head and walks up to them]
MOE: Oh! Oh! Oh!
DETECTIVE: Break it up. Break it up.
[The stooges stop fighting after they see the detective. The detective shows his badge to them.]
DETECTIVE: The inspector wants to see you down at headquarters.
MOE, LARRY, AND CURLY: I didn’t do it. He did. [They each point in different directions accusing each other]
LARRY: I saw him.
CURLY: I’ll be a witness. He had the money right in his hand.
DETECTIVE: Relax! You’re not under arrest.
[The camera cuts to the stooges]
DETECTIVE: The inspector has accepted your application.
LARRY: You mean we’re gonna be a on the police force?
MOE: Oh boy! Free apples!!
CURLY: I’ll be a manhunter! A bloodhound. Ruff!! Ruff!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins in the police commissioner’s office with a close-up of a newspaper with the headline: “Mysterious burglaries panic city. Police shakeup as ape man strikes again.”]
COMMISIONER: [reading the newspaper] Mysterious burglaries panic city. Police shakeup as ape man strikes again.
[The camera starts to pan back further and now we have a shot of Mr. Dill, the police commissioner, and the stooges beside the desk]
DILL: [to the commisioner] There ya are commissioner. There it is in black and white. This ape man is making a monkey of the police department.
[Curly looks annoyed and offended]
CURLY: [to Moe] That ox can’t call me a monkey.
MOE: Shut up, ya baboon.
CURLY: Mmmmmm! [sticks his tongue out to Moe]
[Moe clips Curly’s tongue]
CURLY: Ahh!! [He then removes the clip and gives Moe a look]
DILL: Now look here commissioner. You’ve got to catch that ape man. [bangs on desk with his hand]
COMMISIONER: Just a minute Mr. Dill.
[Curly is trying to crack open a walnut with his teeth]
COMMISIONER: We’re doing the best we can. As a matter of fact, we suspect that he’s not an ape man, but a real gorilla.
DILL: Real gorilla! Bah!
[Curly is still trying to open the walnut with his teeth]
DILL: Look here commissioner. You’ve got to catch that ape man. [bangs on desk]
[Curly sees Dill banging on the desk with his hand. He places the walnut on the desk]
DILL: And if you don’t, as head of the citizen’s league, I’ll have to demand your resignation. [bangs on desk and breaks the walnut open]
[Curly grabs the open walnut. He now grabs three more walnuts from his pocket and places them on the desk one by one.]
DILL: I don’t want to make you any trouble, my friend. But this thing has gone far enough. As a matter of fact, it’s gone too far. And something’s gotta [bangs on the first walnut] be [bangs on the second walnut] done. [bangs on the third walnut]
[Curly tips his hat to Dill, who doesn’t see it as he’s still angry at the commissioner. Curly collects all the walnuts]
COMMISIONER: But Mr. Dill, give me a chance. We’re trying.
[Curly removes the nuts from his hands and is only planning on eating the shells]
COMMISIONER: After all, policemen are only human beings. You know how the newspapers build these things up.
[Curly shoves all the shells in his mouth. His mouth is full of the shells and he chews on them.]
DILL: I had six phone calls yesterday. Six calls from the irate citizens demanding action. And I’m not gonna be the goat.
[We hear Curly gulping down the walnut shells. Curly struggles to fully swallow the shells, so he grabs the pitcher of water and glass on the desk. He pours himself a glass of water]
COMMISIONER: But Mr. Dill, nobody’s asking you to be the goat. My men will catch this ape man or gorilla. Whatever it is.
[Curly drinks a little bit of water. We then hear a whistling and crashing sound. Curly looks happy that the walnut shells got fully swallowed. He then hits his chest and places the glass of water on the tray, which is on the desk.]
DILL: [to the commisioner] You’re supposed to have an efficient police department. And yet you can't catch a third rate hoodlum who masquerades as a monkey. Remember commissioner. This is your last chance. [Bangs on the tray, causing the glass of water to jump up and land right into Curly’s hat, which Curly fails to see.]
DILL: Good night! [Starts walking out of the room]
COMMISIONER: But Mr. Dill, Mr. Dill. Let’s understand each other on this. [Gets up off his desk and goes after Dill and leaves the office]
[The stooges who are now alone in the office]
LARRY: That Dill sure has the chief in a pickle.
[Moe nods head]
CURLY: I’d like to get that apeman by the throat and tear his ears off and gouge his eyes out.
MOE: Shut up, Tarzan! You’re all wet!
CURLY: Mmm.
[Curly puts on his hat, not know that the glass of water had landed on it. Water spills all over Curly]
CURLY: How did you know?
[The phone rings. There are three phones at the end of the Commissioner’s desk. The stooges each grab a phone]
LARRY: [singing] Hello
MOE: [singing] Hello
CURLY: [singing] Hello
[The stooges still don’t get any answer on the phone.]
MOE: Hello. Hello
LARRY: Hello
CURLY: Hello
[The stooges say this simultaneously.]
LARRY: Hello
CURLY: Hello
[Larry and Curly say simultaneously]
[Curly blows hard on his phone and a loud whistling sound can be heard on each of their phones. Moe and Larry grab their ears in pain]
MOE: Ow!
[Moe hits Curly on top of the head with his phone and hangs it up]
CURLY: Ohh!
[Curly’s phone rings. Moe hears it and pushes Curly to the side]
MOE: Look out.
[Moe picks up the phone]
MOE: [on the phone] Hello! You said the ape man is robbing the store?.. Where?... Yes…. The Brooklyn Building. [to Curly and Larry] Come on boys! The ape man! Let’s get him.
[Moe still has the phone in his hands. The stooges run out the door, but Moe ends up tugging on the phone line and he realizes he still has the phone in his hands. He runs back to the desk to put it back. He tries to run out of the office again, but he trips on the phone line this time.]
MOE: Ah, phone! This thing! [Throws the phone out the door]
[The commissioner walks in the office and the phone that hits him in the face. He ends up unconscious, but still is standing with his knees slightly bent.]
[Moe and Larry salute to the unconscious commissioner as they walk out of the office. Curly salutes as well, but also does his Curly shuffle. He walks out the door. He then walks back in, waves his hat, then blows on the commissioner, who tips over and leans on a chair beside him]
[Curly gets scared and runs out of the office]
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins with the stooges outside the Brooklyn Building]
[The stooges walk towards the door and Larry tries to open it, but can’t.]
LARRY: It’s locked
MOE: Where’s the pass key? [Looks at Curly]
CURLY: Oh! [Searches through his pocket]
MOE: I had one. [Looks through his pocket]
Larry: Yeah. [Checks his pocket]
[Curly removes a long chain full of keys out of his pocket and gives each end to Moe and Larry]
MOE: Hmm!! [Annoyed when he sees the long chain]
[The stooges look through each of the keys on the chain one by one. Curly stops looking for a while to button up his jacket. He then resumes looking]
[The silhouette of a gorilla appears on the glass of the door of the Brooklyn Building. The doorknob rattles, opens and we see the gorilla walk behind the stooges.]
MOE: Which one is the pass key? [The gorilla snarls as Moe says this, but the stooges don’t hear anything]
[The gorilla walks back into the building leaving the door open]
CURLY: Oh, the pass key!
[Curly reaches for his pocket, grabs the pass key and shows it to Moe]
[Moe and Larry are annoyed and drop the chain of keys on the floor]
CURLY: Heh-heh. [Chuckling] Come on!
[The stooges turn around and they get scared when they discover that the door is open now]
MOE, LARRY, AND CURLY: Nyahhh!!
[Moe and Larry attempt to run away, but Moe quickly grabs them]
MOE: Wait a minute! What are ya? Cowards? I’ll lead the way. Go ahead.
[Moe pushes them inside the room]
[The camera cuts to inside the room where the stooges are walking into. Moe tries to hide himself behind Curly as he’s pushing him in. Moe has a gun in his hand. Moe takes his gun and slips it under Curly’s arm.]
[Curly looks frightened and then suddenly sees the gun under his arm. He gets startled, raises his hands up thinking he’s being held up]
CURLY: Nyahh! I give up. I surrender.
MOE: What’s the matter with you?
CURLY: I’m scared.
MOE: Ya coward! What are you scared of?
[The door behind them slams shut by itself]
MOE, LARRY, AND CURLY: Oh!! [All gasping]
MOE: Calm down. Calm down. [to Curly] You stand guard while we frisk the joint.
CURLY: Me?
MOE: You.
CURLY: [meekly] Me!
MOE: [to Larry] I’ll lead the way. Go ahead.
[Moe grabs his hat, then pushes Larry as they both walk away.]
[Curly is now in the room all by himself and is still scared. He looks around. He then walks away up to the rocking chair. A cat is sitting beside the chair. Curly sits on it and starts rocking back and forth]
CURLY: I’m not afraid. I’m not scared. Why should I be afraid? Babies are afraid. I’m no baby.
[Curly takes off his hat, takes a lit cigar out, and starts smoking it. He puts his hat back on. He still continues to rock back and forth]
[The cat, which is right next to the rocking chair, is moving its tail. When the cat moves its tail to the side of the rocking chair, the tail ends up under the rocking chair. But before Curly rocks the chair back, the cat moves its tail away. As Curly rocks the chair back and forth, the cat always moves its tail away before the chair catches its tail. This keeps going on as Curly rocks the chair back and forth continuously]
CURLY: How could anything happen? I’m not scared.
[As Curly continues to rock the chair, the cat doesn’t move its tail in time and the rocking chair catches it]
[The cat snarls]
[Curly gets scared and swallows his cigar by accident]
[The cat snarls again as Curly gets up from the rocking chair]
CURLY: Eeyahhh!
[Cut to Moe and Larry who are searching another room]
CURLY: Hey Moe! Hey Larry!
[Moe and Larry get startled when they hear Curly scream. They quickly run and bump into each other]
Moe: Oh!!
[Curly runs in]
MOE: What’s the matter?
CURLY: A woman! She screamed! She clawed me on the leg!
LARRY: Is that bad?
MOE: Is she pretty. I mean, where is she? Come on. Show her to us. Come on.
[Curly walks away. Moe sees him and whistles. Curly hears the whistles, turns around and walks towards Moe]
MOE: Where are you going? Come on.
CURLY: Oh do I have to?
MOE: Yes, you gotta.
CURLY: Oh please!
[Moe pushes Curly out of the room, but instead Curly bumps into a wall]
CURLY: Oh!
[The stooges walk out of the room]
LARRY: She might have a girlfriend. We’ll have a date.
MOE: Get the hat.
[Cut to the room where the rocking chair was. Here we see the rocking chair again, but the cat is gone]
CURLY: She’s in here.
[The stooges walk in]
CURLY: Scratched me right on the leg. I really mean it.
MOE: What woman? Where?
[Curly turns around and doesn’t see anything]
CURLY: Well, I didn’t see her, but I could swear.
[Moe slaps Curly]
MOE: That’s a bad habit. You stand guard while we search the rest of the room. Where’s your gun?
CURLY: Gun? Oh. The landlady’s baby was crying. So, I gave it to the baby to play with.
[Cut to the gorilla who is behind the curtains that’s located at the end of the room. The gorilla snarls and grabs a dummy]
MOE: [hands Curly a gun] Here! Take my gun. Maybe it’ll give you some courage.
[The gorilla comes out of the curtains with the dummy in his hand. The stooges don’t see it.]
MOE: Now listen! You see that front door? Well, keep your eyes glued to it. Don’t let anybody come in. Don’t let anybody come out. You get it, don’t ya?
[Curly nods his head. The gorilla places the dummy behind Moe and it goes back behind the curtains where it can’t be seen.]
MOE: All right. Now no more of your screwy ideas! There’s no dead woman in here!
[The stooges turn around to discover the dummy]
MOE AND LARRY: Nyahh!
[Moe and Larry jump on top of Curly]
CURLY: [Whimpers] See I told ya.
[Moe and Larry get off of Curly]
MOE: Wait a minute!
[Moe looks closer at the dummy]
MOE: [to Curly] That woman’s a dummy, like you.
CURLY: Mmmm!
[Moe picks up the dummy]
MOE: Well, hey---
CURLY: Don’t do that!
[Moe throws the dummy off-camera]
[Cut to the gorilla, who gets hit by the dummy. The gorilla growls and snorts, then picks up the dummy]
MOE: Ya coward! A dummy can’t hurt ya!
[The dummy flies and hits Moe on the back of the head]
Moe: Oh! [falls on the floor]
[Curly and Larry help Moe get up]
LARRY: What happened? [He sees the dummy on the floor] Say! For a dummy, she sure gets around.
MOE: There’s something rotten in Denmark and we’re gonna find it.
CURLY: Oh boy! We’re going to Denmark.
MOE: We are searching for more clothes. And don’t disturb us!
CURLY: Wait a minute! I don’t trust her. [points to dummy that’s on the floor]
MOE: Don’t be yellow. You don’t have to be afraid with that gun.
CURLY: Gun? Oh!
[Curly looks at his gun to see if it’s loaded]
CURLY: Is it loaded? OK. But hurry back! [Points the gun at Moe, but it doesn’t scare him]
MOE: Right! [to Larry] I’ll lead the way. Get going. [Pushes Larry as they both exit]
[Curly is now by himself again. He looks around and is still scared. He turns, sees the dummy on the floor, and gets scared.]
CURLY: Nyah ah!!
[He starts walking and hums in a nervous manner. As Curly is walking, he steps on the cat's tail by accident. The cat snarls and Curly gets scared]
CURLY: Nyah ah ah ah!
[He runs to the end of the room where there is a long bench and fur blanket on top of it. He lies there covering himself with the fur. With his foot, Curly hits the coat hanger near the bench, where we see a black derby hat fall on his foot. Curly doesn’t realize that the hat fell on his foot. Curly peaks over the fur coat and sees the hat. He gets scared.]
[Curly shoots the derby hat with his gun and he ends up shooting his foot. He jumps up and grabs his foot in pain]
CURLY: Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh! Ahhh!!! Oh Oh Oh!
[Moe and Larry quickly run in]
LARRY: What happened?
CURLY: I’m dying and you start a quiz program.
MOE: Shut up and start talking. [Grabs the gun away from Curly]
CURLY: Remember my big toe?
MOE: Yeah?
CURLY: [Snaps fingers] Shut off! Almost.
MOE: Next time you handle a gun, shoot yourself in the head.
CURLY: I’ll make a note of it.
[Curly gets a pencil and paper out of his pocket]
CURLY: How do you spell head?
MOE: B-O-N-E. Head!
[Moe takes the gun and hits Curly on the head with it]
CURLY: Oh Oh Oh. [Drops his pencil and paper]
[As Curly holds his head in pain, he sees Moe’s gun]
CURLY: Oh! Look! [points to the gun]
[The camera cuts to a close-up shot of the bottom of the gun where we can see clearly that it is badly crushed.]
MOE: Why y--! [Notices something at the other end of the room]
[The gorilla coming out from behind the curtains]
MOE: It’s that crook! And he’s wearing a fur coat! [Gets his gun ready] Come on.
[The stooges now sneak up behind it and Moe kicks it in the rear. The gorilla turns around, growls, and the stooges get scared]
MOE, LARRY, AND CURLY: Nyahhh!!
[The stooges look frightened. Moe and Larry point their guns at the gorilla]
MOE: Stick ‘em up, Ape Man. We got ya covered!
[The gorilla grabs Moe and Larry's gun barrel and bends it]
MOE: Nyah ah ah!
[Moe and Larry look at their gun with the bent barrel.]
MOE: Nyah! Hey fellas! Look! No human is strong enough to bend a gun barrel like that.
CURLY: It’s real. A real chiminy panzee!!
LARRY: That’s no chimp, ya chump. That’s a gorilla.
[The gorilla growls]
MOE, LARRY, AND CURLY: Nyah ah ah ah ah!
[The stooges run out the door. The gorilla runs after them and suddenly stops and heads to the opposite direction towards the curtains. The stooges run in through the curtains and they see the gorilla again]
MOE, LARRY, AND CURLY: Nyahhhh!
[The stooges quickly run back out through the curtains]
[Cut to a room where Moe and Larry were searching earlier. The stooges run in. They stop in the middle of the room. Moe and Larry see a large crate where they can hide behind. They run there and hide, but Curly stops and still stands looking all confused. Moe whistles at him. Curly hears the whistle, falls to the floor, and starts spinning around while he whimpers. He then lays back and with his legs, pushes himself towards Moe and Larry where they are hiding]
[Moe grabs Curly to get him up]
MOE: Get up! Come on!
[The stooges are all gasping for air]
LARRY: Boy! We sure been running!
CURLY: Yeah! As soon as we get our breath. We’re sure gonna run some more. All the way home!
[We hear the sound of a door open]
MOE: Shhhhh!
[Dill and two henchmen enter]
HENCHMAN #1: Bonzo. Bonzo. [Looking for the gorilla]
DILL: Where’s that ape of yours anyway? He’s been up here for an hour.
HENCHMAN #1: He’s in here somewhere, Mr. Dill. But you got to remember, that gorilla was trained for a circus. This robbing business is new to him.
DILL: Yeah. Well this’ll be the last haul for a while. You gotta lay off until I get the police commissioner fired. And when I become the police commissioner, we’ll really go to town.
[Cut to the stooges who are still hiding behind the crate and are hearing everything]
LARRY: How do you like that? Dill’s been using this job as a front!
[Moe nods his head]
CURLY: He’s really a crook.
MOE: Come on! We’ll get him!
[Moe looks at this bent gun and realizes he can’t use it. Moe shows Larry and Curly that they are just going to stick their hand in their pockets and pretend to have a gun]
HENCHMAN #1: [to Dill] He must be in the store.
[Dill and the two henchmen are looking for the gorilla. The stooges run out of their hiding place and they sneak up on Dill and the henchmen]
MOE: Stick ‘em up! [yells]
[Dill and the two henchmen quickly raise their hands thinking it’s a real stick up.]
MOE: We got ya! One phony move, Mr. Dillpickle, and I’ll shoot. [He moves his hand forward and his finger pops out of the hole of the jacket pocket]
[Dill and the henchmen realize that it is a fake stick up. They put their hands down. Larry and Curly see the finger sticking out of Moe’s pocket]
LARRY: Nyehh!!
[Moe finally realizes that his finger popped out of his pocket]
MOE: Nyahh!!
[Dill and the two henchmen start attacking the stooges. Henchman #1 is punching Curly in the face]
CURLY: Ope! Ope! Ope!
[Henchman #1 is punching Curly rapidly in the face]
CURLY: [stops Henchman #1] Wait a minute! This is getting monotonous.
HENCHMAN #1: Oh! Monotonous, eh!!
[Henchman #1 punches Curly in the stomach]
CURLY: Oh! Oh!! That’s different. [Squeezes his left biceps] You see that?
HENCHMAN #1: Yeah.
[Curly hits him in the chin with his right hand]
HENCHMAN #1: Oh! [Holds his face in pain] Why you---
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo.
[With his head, Curly rams Henchman #1 in the stomach]
HENCHMAN #1: Oh!!
[The henchman grabs his stomach in pain. Curly places both of his hands on the floor and use his feet to kick the henchman upwards. The henchman gets kicked in the face and flies up in the air. When Curly gets up, he looks up]
CURLY: Hmmmmm.
[The henchman lying on top of a reindeer’s head, which is hanging on the wall.]
[Curly turns his head and sees Larry in trouble]
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo. [He snarls and barks]
[Larry and Henchman #2 are fighting. Curly runs over to help. He kicks the henchman in the rear. The henchman turns around, Curly tries to punch him in the face, but he ducks, causing Curly to hit Larry unconscious by accident.]
LARRY: Oh! [Falls on the chair next to him and sits there unconscious.]
[The henchman turns around and punches Curly in the face. Curly falls back and he gets poked in the rear by a sword that's being held by an armor]
CURLY: Nyah ah!! [Turns around and sees the armor standing with a sword sticking out of his hand] Whoa oh!
[Curly walks towards the henchman ready to fight. He kicks him in the leg.]
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo.
[With his head, Curly rams the henchman in the stomach. The henchman moves backwards and gets poked by the sword as well.]
HENCHMAN #2: Ouch!!
[The henchman then quickly runs forward where he lands on Curly’s fist and falls to the floor unconscious.]
[Curly turns his head and sees Moe and Dill fighting]
CURLY: Nyah! Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!
[Curly runs toward Moe and Dill. Moe and Dill are rolling over on the floor fighting.]
CURLY: Give it to him, Moe. Give it to him, Moe. Give it to him. Hmmm. [He quickly grabs a wrench]
CURLY: Roll him over, Moe. I’ll cram that Dillpickle.
[Moe rolls him over and Curly gets ready to hit him. However, Dill rolls Moe over and Curly ends up hitting Moe unconscious by accident. Dill is set free. He looks at Moe, who is unconscious, and then looks at Curly who he wants to attack]
CURLY: Nyah ah ah!
[Dill gets up, pushes up his sleeves, and gets ready to fight. Curly is having a hard time finding the right time to strike Dill with the wrench]
Curly: Hmmmm!
[Curly throws the wrench at Dill who ducks. The wrench hits the tire on the wall and it bounces back. It hits Dill right on the back of the head. He loses consciousness and Curly blows on him, and he falls to the ground]
CURLY: Hey fellas! I did it. I did it. Hehe.
[Larry and Moe regain consciousness and get up]
LARRY: Call the wagon!
MOE: Success!
[Moe shakes Curly’s hand. Moe then turns to Larry and they salute to each other. They kiss each other on both cheeks. Curly sees them, taps Moe on the back. Moe turns around, Curly grabs his face and kisses him on the mouth.]
MOE: [Groans and spits] Mmm. I’m poisoned.
[Moe hits Curly in the stomach]
CURLY: Oh! Listen you! [Points his finger and Moe bites it]
The gorilla walks in and growls]
CURLY: Nyah! The gorilla!
MOE: Don’t be scared. Don’t be scared. Just run!!!!
CURLY: Ah!
[The stooges run away and enter the next room]
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo
[Curly sees a guillotine and hides behind it. Moe sees a big, empty box]
MOE: Wait! The box.
[Moe opens the box. Larry and Moe climb inside and close it]
[The gorilla walks in and growls while it looks for the stooges. The gorilla walks off camera]
[Curly sticks his head through the opening of the guillotine. He looks on both sides and smiles. He then lifts his head up slightly and the head opening of the guillotine closes. His head is now stuck. Curly sputters as he struggles to free his head. He feels a rope in his right hand and looks at it.]
CURLY: Hmm. This outta lift it.
[The end of the rope is attached to the blade]
[Moe and Larry open the box they're hiding in and they stand up to look around to make sure the gorilla is not around]
[Curly pulls the rope that’s attached to the blade of the guillotine. The blade falls down on Curly]
[Moe gasps and faints, thinking Curly might have beheaded himself]
LARRY: [catches Moe] Moe! What happened? Speak to me!
CURLY: Hey Moe! Hey Larry! I cut my head off! I’m dead. Nail my head on. I don’t want to be dead. There’s no future in it. [He realizes he’s not dead] How can I be dead? I’m talking! That’s a coincidence.
[Larry pulls Moe up by the hair and Moe slowly gets revived]
MOE: Whew! Oh!
LARRY: You all right?
[The gorilla is holding a dummy. While the gorilla snarls, it punches the dummy’s head and it flies across the room. It slides right in front of Moe and Larry.]
Moe: [Just revived from unconsciousness] Whew!
[Moe and Larry see the dummy’s head on the floor.]
LARRY: Curly!! [Points to the dummy’s head]
MOE: Ahhhhhhhhh!!
[Moe and Larry both faint and fall back inside the box. The box closes]
[The gorilla walks up to a small bag. Curious to see what’s inside, it opens the bag and sees a small bottle of Nitro-Glycerine. The gorilla pops open the bottle, drinks the whole thing, and then drops the empty bottle on the floor.]
[Curly's head is still stuck in the guillotine. He lifts the top half of the head opening and frees his head. He lifts the blade up, taps it, and realizes it’s not a real, sharp blade]
CURLY: Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!! Rubber! I knew it all the time.
[The blade falls down by itself and Curly gets startled by it]
CURLY: Ah!! Ruff! Ruff!!
[Moe and Larry open the box they’re hiding in and they stand up. Curly walks up next to them, but they don’t see each other yet.]
CURLY: Hmm. [As he looks at the guillotine]
[Moe and Curly turn their heads and see each other]
MOE & CURLY: [both startled] Nyah!!
[The stooges look down at the dummy’s head.]
CURLY: Oh!! Hehe. [Picks the dummy’s head off the floor]
[Moe and Larry climb out of the box]
[The gorilla walks in through the door. The gorilla snarls at them. The stooges become frightened.]
CURLY: Nyah ah ah ah!! [Points at the gorilla]
[The gorilla continues snarling]
CURLY: [to Moe and Larry] Wait a minute! I’ve had enough of him too. Spread out! Woo-woo-woo-woo. Woo-woo-woo-woo.
[With his head, Curly rams the gorilla in the stomach. A big explosion occurs. As soon as the smoke clears, we see the stooges buried under piles of broken wood. Some pieces of wood continue to fall. The stooges struggle to break free from the piles of wood. Finally, they manage to get the wood off of themselves. We now see the stooges all burnt up from the explosion]
MOE: Oh boy! We got the ape man!
CURLY: What do you mean “we?” I got him. [Lifts the head of the gorilla]
CURLY: [barks at the gorilla's head] Ruff! Ruff!
[The head of the gorilla growls back at Curly twice.]
CURLY: Nyah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
[Curly quickly lets go of the gorilla’s head. The stooges all gasp and yell in fear as they run away]
--THE END--
MOE: Left, right. Halt!
[The stooges set the door in the middle of the room. The stooges walk away getting ready to get to work. Moe turns to Larry]
MOE: Get the tools.
LARRY: What tools?
[Moe grabs Larry’s hair and holds onto it.]
MOE: The tools we’ve been using for the last ten years.
[Moe lets go of Larry’s hair]
LARRY: Oh! Those tools!
[Moe faces Curly]
MOE: Now let me see. The door goes on the right.
[Moe looks at both of his hands to figure out which is his right one.]
MOE: Right! [points towards his right]
CURLY: Wait a minute!
[Curly stops Moe thinking he’s wrong because he’s facing Moe in the opposite direction]
CURLY: The man said the door goes on the right. [points to his right, which is Moe's left.]
[Moe gets an angry look on his face thinking Curly is wrong.]
MOE: [makes a fist] What’s this?
CURLY: A fist.
[Moe bonks Curly in the forehead]
CURLY: Ahhh!
MOE: Right or left?
[Curly looks confused and tries to think for a moment.]
MOE: Oh! Ignorant, eh!
[Moe bonks Curly on the head]
CURLY: Ohh!
MOE: Now listen, grapehead. I’m gonna explain it so even you can understand it.
[Moe grabs Curly and turns him around]
MOE: Now here. Get over here. Now when I say go. We both point to the right. Go!
[They each point to the right, but since they’re facing each other again, they points to their own right side.]
MOE: [to Larry] Hey Porcupine!
[Larry turns around]
MOE: Come here.
[Larry walks up to Moe. He faces Moe and Curly]
MOE: Point to the right for this chump, will ya?
[Larry points to his right. Since he’s facing Moe and Curly, his right is in a completely different direction.]
CURLY: See.
[Moe slaps Moe and Larry]
CURLY: Ahhhh!
MOE: Get busy. Come on! Where’s the map?
[Curly walks into Moe and bumps into him]
MOE: Over there. [points to the direction behind Curly]
[Moe walks up to the table, grabs the blueprints, and looks at it. He turns to Larry]
MOE: Get me a board.
LARRY: Get me a board. [turns to Curly]
CURLY: Get me... [turns around and before he finishes his line, he realizes that no one is behind him]
[Curly walks up to the door, opens it, walks through it and closes it behind him. He gets the board, walks up to the door, walks through it again, and closes it behind him]
[As Curly walks up to the table to bring back the board, we find Moe standing on top of the table.]
MOE: What’s keeping ya? [wondering where Curly is]
MOE: Make it six inches.
LARRY: Make it six inches. [turns to Curly]
CURLY: Make it six inches.
[Curly turns around with his back towards Larry. On Curly’s back, there is a ruler hanging]
[Larry grabs the ruler. He measures the table and hits Curly in the stomach with his elbow by accident]
LARRY: Get me the saw.
CURLY: The saw.
[Curly grabs the electric saw. He starts sawing the wood in half. However, the wood is placed on the table. So, without realizing it, he’s also cutting the table in half as well.]
[Curly finally finishes his sawing]
[Curly removes the saw and as he places the saw to the side, Larry pats on Curly’s back]
MOE: Give it to me.
[Moe, still on top of the table, turns around, and takes one step. Due to Curly’s careless sawing, the table splits in half causing Moe to fall to the floor.]
[Moe, looking badly hurt, struggles to get up. He finally gets up and takes a few steps]
CURLY: What happened?
[Moe turns to Curly in anger]
MOE: Nothing.
[Moe slaps both Curly and Larry together. He grabs a long piece of wood to hit them with. He then runs after them.]
[Moe and Larry run away and walk through the door they carried in before]
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo.
[Moe bumps into the side of the door as he runs after them. He becomes frustrated and he throws the large piece of wood away]
MOE: Shut that door!
[Curly looks angry. He slams the door shut and it falls over on Moe and he gets trapped under.]
MOE: Whoaaa!!! Help! Murder!
[Curly and Larry run around the fallen door to look for Moe]
CURLY: Where is he?
LARRY: He’s in there. [points to the door]
[Cut to a close-up of Moe trapped under the door]
MOE: Get me outta here.
[Larry and Curly stand right on top of the door and we hear the wood of the door creak]
MOE: Owwww!!!
[The camera cuts to Moe and Larry again. Curly grabs the door knob and pulls it, but can’t get it open]
MOE: Get that door open.
CURLY: I can’t. It’s locked. I ain’t got a key.
MOE: Get a saw.
[Curly grabs the electric saw and turns it on]
CURLY: Don’t lose your head, Moe. I’ll have you outta this in a jiffy. [He starts sawing the door]
MOE: Hurry up.
[Curly is struggling to saw the door]
[The saw is extremely close to Moe's face. He looks really terrified because the saw could end up sawing him by accident. Curly finishes sawing the entire door all around. Larry pushes the door down.]
MOE: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!! [Moe crashes to the lower floor due to Curly’s reckless sawing again. Curly ended up sawing both the door and floor]
[Moe tries to get all the pieces of wood off of him. Moe and Larry look through the hole in the floor]
CURLY: What are you doing down there?
MOE: Come here! [Looking up angry at Larry and Curly]
CURLY: [to Larry] I think he wants ya.
MOE: Both of ya.
[Curly look shocked and frustrated.]
[Dissolve to the lower floor. Moe is still sitting on the floor in anger waiting for Larry and Moe. Larry and Curly run up to Moe]
CURLY: Hey Moe. It was an accident. Honest. It’ll never happen again.
[Curly and Larry help Moe get up.]
CURLY: I couldn’t help it.
LARRY: Yeah, we didn’t---
[Curly and Larry say simultaneously]
[Moe hits both of them together in the stomach and bonks them on the head]
CURLY AND LARRY: Oh! Oh!
[Both Larry and Curly hold their head in pain]
LARRY: Aw! You only fell 14 feet. Why are you getting sore?
MOE: Is that all it was?
LARRY: Yeah.
MOE: Aw, well, I’m sorry fellas. Haha.
[Moe grabs Curly and Larry and he hits their heads against each other]
CURLY AND LARRY: Oh!
[Moe turns to Curly]
MOE: Why you rat!
[Curly bangs his stomach into Moe and Larry kicks him right after. They do this repeatedly]
MOE: Oof! Oh! Oh! Oh!
[Cut to a detective walking by. He sees the stooges fighting, shakes his head and walks up to them]
MOE: Oh! Oh! Oh!
DETECTIVE: Break it up. Break it up.
[The stooges stop fighting after they see the detective. The detective shows his badge to them.]
DETECTIVE: The inspector wants to see you down at headquarters.
MOE, LARRY, AND CURLY: I didn’t do it. He did. [They each point in different directions accusing each other]
LARRY: I saw him.
CURLY: I’ll be a witness. He had the money right in his hand.
DETECTIVE: Relax! You’re not under arrest.
[The camera cuts to the stooges]
DETECTIVE: The inspector has accepted your application.
LARRY: You mean we’re gonna be a on the police force?
MOE: Oh boy! Free apples!!
CURLY: I’ll be a manhunter! A bloodhound. Ruff!! Ruff!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins in the police commissioner’s office with a close-up of a newspaper with the headline: “Mysterious burglaries panic city. Police shakeup as ape man strikes again.”]
COMMISIONER: [reading the newspaper] Mysterious burglaries panic city. Police shakeup as ape man strikes again.
[The camera starts to pan back further and now we have a shot of Mr. Dill, the police commissioner, and the stooges beside the desk]
DILL: [to the commisioner] There ya are commissioner. There it is in black and white. This ape man is making a monkey of the police department.
[Curly looks annoyed and offended]
CURLY: [to Moe] That ox can’t call me a monkey.
MOE: Shut up, ya baboon.
CURLY: Mmmmmm! [sticks his tongue out to Moe]
[Moe clips Curly’s tongue]
CURLY: Ahh!! [He then removes the clip and gives Moe a look]
DILL: Now look here commissioner. You’ve got to catch that ape man. [bangs on desk with his hand]
COMMISIONER: Just a minute Mr. Dill.
[Curly is trying to crack open a walnut with his teeth]
COMMISIONER: We’re doing the best we can. As a matter of fact, we suspect that he’s not an ape man, but a real gorilla.
DILL: Real gorilla! Bah!
[Curly is still trying to open the walnut with his teeth]
DILL: Look here commissioner. You’ve got to catch that ape man. [bangs on desk]
[Curly sees Dill banging on the desk with his hand. He places the walnut on the desk]
DILL: And if you don’t, as head of the citizen’s league, I’ll have to demand your resignation. [bangs on desk and breaks the walnut open]
[Curly grabs the open walnut. He now grabs three more walnuts from his pocket and places them on the desk one by one.]
DILL: I don’t want to make you any trouble, my friend. But this thing has gone far enough. As a matter of fact, it’s gone too far. And something’s gotta [bangs on the first walnut] be [bangs on the second walnut] done. [bangs on the third walnut]
[Curly tips his hat to Dill, who doesn’t see it as he’s still angry at the commissioner. Curly collects all the walnuts]
COMMISIONER: But Mr. Dill, give me a chance. We’re trying.
[Curly removes the nuts from his hands and is only planning on eating the shells]
COMMISIONER: After all, policemen are only human beings. You know how the newspapers build these things up.
[Curly shoves all the shells in his mouth. His mouth is full of the shells and he chews on them.]
DILL: I had six phone calls yesterday. Six calls from the irate citizens demanding action. And I’m not gonna be the goat.
[We hear Curly gulping down the walnut shells. Curly struggles to fully swallow the shells, so he grabs the pitcher of water and glass on the desk. He pours himself a glass of water]
COMMISIONER: But Mr. Dill, nobody’s asking you to be the goat. My men will catch this ape man or gorilla. Whatever it is.
[Curly drinks a little bit of water. We then hear a whistling and crashing sound. Curly looks happy that the walnut shells got fully swallowed. He then hits his chest and places the glass of water on the tray, which is on the desk.]
DILL: [to the commisioner] You’re supposed to have an efficient police department. And yet you can't catch a third rate hoodlum who masquerades as a monkey. Remember commissioner. This is your last chance. [Bangs on the tray, causing the glass of water to jump up and land right into Curly’s hat, which Curly fails to see.]
DILL: Good night! [Starts walking out of the room]
COMMISIONER: But Mr. Dill, Mr. Dill. Let’s understand each other on this. [Gets up off his desk and goes after Dill and leaves the office]
[The stooges who are now alone in the office]
LARRY: That Dill sure has the chief in a pickle.
[Moe nods head]
CURLY: I’d like to get that apeman by the throat and tear his ears off and gouge his eyes out.
MOE: Shut up, Tarzan! You’re all wet!
CURLY: Mmm.
[Curly puts on his hat, not know that the glass of water had landed on it. Water spills all over Curly]
CURLY: How did you know?
[The phone rings. There are three phones at the end of the Commissioner’s desk. The stooges each grab a phone]
LARRY: [singing] Hello
MOE: [singing] Hello
CURLY: [singing] Hello
[The stooges still don’t get any answer on the phone.]
MOE: Hello. Hello
LARRY: Hello
CURLY: Hello
[The stooges say this simultaneously.]
LARRY: Hello
CURLY: Hello
[Larry and Curly say simultaneously]
[Curly blows hard on his phone and a loud whistling sound can be heard on each of their phones. Moe and Larry grab their ears in pain]
MOE: Ow!
[Moe hits Curly on top of the head with his phone and hangs it up]
CURLY: Ohh!
[Curly’s phone rings. Moe hears it and pushes Curly to the side]
MOE: Look out.
[Moe picks up the phone]
MOE: [on the phone] Hello! You said the ape man is robbing the store?.. Where?... Yes…. The Brooklyn Building. [to Curly and Larry] Come on boys! The ape man! Let’s get him.
[Moe still has the phone in his hands. The stooges run out the door, but Moe ends up tugging on the phone line and he realizes he still has the phone in his hands. He runs back to the desk to put it back. He tries to run out of the office again, but he trips on the phone line this time.]
MOE: Ah, phone! This thing! [Throws the phone out the door]
[The commissioner walks in the office and the phone that hits him in the face. He ends up unconscious, but still is standing with his knees slightly bent.]
[Moe and Larry salute to the unconscious commissioner as they walk out of the office. Curly salutes as well, but also does his Curly shuffle. He walks out the door. He then walks back in, waves his hat, then blows on the commissioner, who tips over and leans on a chair beside him]
[Curly gets scared and runs out of the office]
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins with the stooges outside the Brooklyn Building]
[The stooges walk towards the door and Larry tries to open it, but can’t.]
LARRY: It’s locked
MOE: Where’s the pass key? [Looks at Curly]
CURLY: Oh! [Searches through his pocket]
MOE: I had one. [Looks through his pocket]
Larry: Yeah. [Checks his pocket]
[Curly removes a long chain full of keys out of his pocket and gives each end to Moe and Larry]
MOE: Hmm!! [Annoyed when he sees the long chain]
[The stooges look through each of the keys on the chain one by one. Curly stops looking for a while to button up his jacket. He then resumes looking]
[The silhouette of a gorilla appears on the glass of the door of the Brooklyn Building. The doorknob rattles, opens and we see the gorilla walk behind the stooges.]
MOE: Which one is the pass key? [The gorilla snarls as Moe says this, but the stooges don’t hear anything]
[The gorilla walks back into the building leaving the door open]
CURLY: Oh, the pass key!
[Curly reaches for his pocket, grabs the pass key and shows it to Moe]
[Moe and Larry are annoyed and drop the chain of keys on the floor]
CURLY: Heh-heh. [Chuckling] Come on!
[The stooges turn around and they get scared when they discover that the door is open now]
MOE, LARRY, AND CURLY: Nyahhh!!
[Moe and Larry attempt to run away, but Moe quickly grabs them]
MOE: Wait a minute! What are ya? Cowards? I’ll lead the way. Go ahead.
[Moe pushes them inside the room]
[The camera cuts to inside the room where the stooges are walking into. Moe tries to hide himself behind Curly as he’s pushing him in. Moe has a gun in his hand. Moe takes his gun and slips it under Curly’s arm.]
[Curly looks frightened and then suddenly sees the gun under his arm. He gets startled, raises his hands up thinking he’s being held up]
CURLY: Nyahh! I give up. I surrender.
MOE: What’s the matter with you?
CURLY: I’m scared.
MOE: Ya coward! What are you scared of?
[The door behind them slams shut by itself]
MOE, LARRY, AND CURLY: Oh!! [All gasping]
MOE: Calm down. Calm down. [to Curly] You stand guard while we frisk the joint.
CURLY: Me?
MOE: You.
CURLY: [meekly] Me!
MOE: [to Larry] I’ll lead the way. Go ahead.
[Moe grabs his hat, then pushes Larry as they both walk away.]
[Curly is now in the room all by himself and is still scared. He looks around. He then walks away up to the rocking chair. A cat is sitting beside the chair. Curly sits on it and starts rocking back and forth]
CURLY: I’m not afraid. I’m not scared. Why should I be afraid? Babies are afraid. I’m no baby.
[Curly takes off his hat, takes a lit cigar out, and starts smoking it. He puts his hat back on. He still continues to rock back and forth]
[The cat, which is right next to the rocking chair, is moving its tail. When the cat moves its tail to the side of the rocking chair, the tail ends up under the rocking chair. But before Curly rocks the chair back, the cat moves its tail away. As Curly rocks the chair back and forth, the cat always moves its tail away before the chair catches its tail. This keeps going on as Curly rocks the chair back and forth continuously]
CURLY: How could anything happen? I’m not scared.
[As Curly continues to rock the chair, the cat doesn’t move its tail in time and the rocking chair catches it]
[The cat snarls]
[Curly gets scared and swallows his cigar by accident]
[The cat snarls again as Curly gets up from the rocking chair]
CURLY: Eeyahhh!
[Cut to Moe and Larry who are searching another room]
CURLY: Hey Moe! Hey Larry!
[Moe and Larry get startled when they hear Curly scream. They quickly run and bump into each other]
Moe: Oh!!
[Curly runs in]
MOE: What’s the matter?
CURLY: A woman! She screamed! She clawed me on the leg!
LARRY: Is that bad?
MOE: Is she pretty. I mean, where is she? Come on. Show her to us. Come on.
[Curly walks away. Moe sees him and whistles. Curly hears the whistles, turns around and walks towards Moe]
MOE: Where are you going? Come on.
CURLY: Oh do I have to?
MOE: Yes, you gotta.
CURLY: Oh please!
[Moe pushes Curly out of the room, but instead Curly bumps into a wall]
CURLY: Oh!
[The stooges walk out of the room]
LARRY: She might have a girlfriend. We’ll have a date.
MOE: Get the hat.
[Cut to the room where the rocking chair was. Here we see the rocking chair again, but the cat is gone]
CURLY: She’s in here.
[The stooges walk in]
CURLY: Scratched me right on the leg. I really mean it.
MOE: What woman? Where?
[Curly turns around and doesn’t see anything]
CURLY: Well, I didn’t see her, but I could swear.
[Moe slaps Curly]
MOE: That’s a bad habit. You stand guard while we search the rest of the room. Where’s your gun?
CURLY: Gun? Oh. The landlady’s baby was crying. So, I gave it to the baby to play with.
[Cut to the gorilla who is behind the curtains that’s located at the end of the room. The gorilla snarls and grabs a dummy]
MOE: [hands Curly a gun] Here! Take my gun. Maybe it’ll give you some courage.
[The gorilla comes out of the curtains with the dummy in his hand. The stooges don’t see it.]
MOE: Now listen! You see that front door? Well, keep your eyes glued to it. Don’t let anybody come in. Don’t let anybody come out. You get it, don’t ya?
[Curly nods his head. The gorilla places the dummy behind Moe and it goes back behind the curtains where it can’t be seen.]
MOE: All right. Now no more of your screwy ideas! There’s no dead woman in here!
[The stooges turn around to discover the dummy]
MOE AND LARRY: Nyahh!
[Moe and Larry jump on top of Curly]
CURLY: [Whimpers] See I told ya.
[Moe and Larry get off of Curly]
MOE: Wait a minute!
[Moe looks closer at the dummy]
MOE: [to Curly] That woman’s a dummy, like you.
CURLY: Mmmm!
[Moe picks up the dummy]
MOE: Well, hey---
CURLY: Don’t do that!
[Moe throws the dummy off-camera]
[Cut to the gorilla, who gets hit by the dummy. The gorilla growls and snorts, then picks up the dummy]
MOE: Ya coward! A dummy can’t hurt ya!
[The dummy flies and hits Moe on the back of the head]
Moe: Oh! [falls on the floor]
[Curly and Larry help Moe get up]
LARRY: What happened? [He sees the dummy on the floor] Say! For a dummy, she sure gets around.
MOE: There’s something rotten in Denmark and we’re gonna find it.
CURLY: Oh boy! We’re going to Denmark.
MOE: We are searching for more clothes. And don’t disturb us!
CURLY: Wait a minute! I don’t trust her. [points to dummy that’s on the floor]
MOE: Don’t be yellow. You don’t have to be afraid with that gun.
CURLY: Gun? Oh!
[Curly looks at his gun to see if it’s loaded]
CURLY: Is it loaded? OK. But hurry back! [Points the gun at Moe, but it doesn’t scare him]
MOE: Right! [to Larry] I’ll lead the way. Get going. [Pushes Larry as they both exit]
[Curly is now by himself again. He looks around and is still scared. He turns, sees the dummy on the floor, and gets scared.]
CURLY: Nyah ah!!
[He starts walking and hums in a nervous manner. As Curly is walking, he steps on the cat's tail by accident. The cat snarls and Curly gets scared]
CURLY: Nyah ah ah ah!
[He runs to the end of the room where there is a long bench and fur blanket on top of it. He lies there covering himself with the fur. With his foot, Curly hits the coat hanger near the bench, where we see a black derby hat fall on his foot. Curly doesn’t realize that the hat fell on his foot. Curly peaks over the fur coat and sees the hat. He gets scared.]
[Curly shoots the derby hat with his gun and he ends up shooting his foot. He jumps up and grabs his foot in pain]
CURLY: Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh! Ahhh!!! Oh Oh Oh!
[Moe and Larry quickly run in]
LARRY: What happened?
CURLY: I’m dying and you start a quiz program.
MOE: Shut up and start talking. [Grabs the gun away from Curly]
CURLY: Remember my big toe?
MOE: Yeah?
CURLY: [Snaps fingers] Shut off! Almost.
MOE: Next time you handle a gun, shoot yourself in the head.
CURLY: I’ll make a note of it.
[Curly gets a pencil and paper out of his pocket]
CURLY: How do you spell head?
MOE: B-O-N-E. Head!
[Moe takes the gun and hits Curly on the head with it]
CURLY: Oh Oh Oh. [Drops his pencil and paper]
[As Curly holds his head in pain, he sees Moe’s gun]
CURLY: Oh! Look! [points to the gun]
[The camera cuts to a close-up shot of the bottom of the gun where we can see clearly that it is badly crushed.]
MOE: Why y--! [Notices something at the other end of the room]
[The gorilla coming out from behind the curtains]
MOE: It’s that crook! And he’s wearing a fur coat! [Gets his gun ready] Come on.
[The stooges now sneak up behind it and Moe kicks it in the rear. The gorilla turns around, growls, and the stooges get scared]
MOE, LARRY, AND CURLY: Nyahhh!!
[The stooges look frightened. Moe and Larry point their guns at the gorilla]
MOE: Stick ‘em up, Ape Man. We got ya covered!
[The gorilla grabs Moe and Larry's gun barrel and bends it]
MOE: Nyah ah ah!
[Moe and Larry look at their gun with the bent barrel.]
MOE: Nyah! Hey fellas! Look! No human is strong enough to bend a gun barrel like that.
CURLY: It’s real. A real chiminy panzee!!
LARRY: That’s no chimp, ya chump. That’s a gorilla.
[The gorilla growls]
MOE, LARRY, AND CURLY: Nyah ah ah ah ah!
[The stooges run out the door. The gorilla runs after them and suddenly stops and heads to the opposite direction towards the curtains. The stooges run in through the curtains and they see the gorilla again]
MOE, LARRY, AND CURLY: Nyahhhh!
[The stooges quickly run back out through the curtains]
[Cut to a room where Moe and Larry were searching earlier. The stooges run in. They stop in the middle of the room. Moe and Larry see a large crate where they can hide behind. They run there and hide, but Curly stops and still stands looking all confused. Moe whistles at him. Curly hears the whistle, falls to the floor, and starts spinning around while he whimpers. He then lays back and with his legs, pushes himself towards Moe and Larry where they are hiding]
[Moe grabs Curly to get him up]
MOE: Get up! Come on!
[The stooges are all gasping for air]
LARRY: Boy! We sure been running!
CURLY: Yeah! As soon as we get our breath. We’re sure gonna run some more. All the way home!
[We hear the sound of a door open]
MOE: Shhhhh!
[Dill and two henchmen enter]
HENCHMAN #1: Bonzo. Bonzo. [Looking for the gorilla]
DILL: Where’s that ape of yours anyway? He’s been up here for an hour.
HENCHMAN #1: He’s in here somewhere, Mr. Dill. But you got to remember, that gorilla was trained for a circus. This robbing business is new to him.
DILL: Yeah. Well this’ll be the last haul for a while. You gotta lay off until I get the police commissioner fired. And when I become the police commissioner, we’ll really go to town.
[Cut to the stooges who are still hiding behind the crate and are hearing everything]
LARRY: How do you like that? Dill’s been using this job as a front!
[Moe nods his head]
CURLY: He’s really a crook.
MOE: Come on! We’ll get him!
[Moe looks at this bent gun and realizes he can’t use it. Moe shows Larry and Curly that they are just going to stick their hand in their pockets and pretend to have a gun]
HENCHMAN #1: [to Dill] He must be in the store.
[Dill and the two henchmen are looking for the gorilla. The stooges run out of their hiding place and they sneak up on Dill and the henchmen]
MOE: Stick ‘em up! [yells]
[Dill and the two henchmen quickly raise their hands thinking it’s a real stick up.]
MOE: We got ya! One phony move, Mr. Dillpickle, and I’ll shoot. [He moves his hand forward and his finger pops out of the hole of the jacket pocket]
[Dill and the henchmen realize that it is a fake stick up. They put their hands down. Larry and Curly see the finger sticking out of Moe’s pocket]
LARRY: Nyehh!!
[Moe finally realizes that his finger popped out of his pocket]
MOE: Nyahh!!
[Dill and the two henchmen start attacking the stooges. Henchman #1 is punching Curly in the face]
CURLY: Ope! Ope! Ope!
[Henchman #1 is punching Curly rapidly in the face]
CURLY: [stops Henchman #1] Wait a minute! This is getting monotonous.
HENCHMAN #1: Oh! Monotonous, eh!!
[Henchman #1 punches Curly in the stomach]
CURLY: Oh! Oh!! That’s different. [Squeezes his left biceps] You see that?
HENCHMAN #1: Yeah.
[Curly hits him in the chin with his right hand]
HENCHMAN #1: Oh! [Holds his face in pain] Why you---
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo.
[With his head, Curly rams Henchman #1 in the stomach]
HENCHMAN #1: Oh!!
[The henchman grabs his stomach in pain. Curly places both of his hands on the floor and use his feet to kick the henchman upwards. The henchman gets kicked in the face and flies up in the air. When Curly gets up, he looks up]
CURLY: Hmmmmm.
[The henchman lying on top of a reindeer’s head, which is hanging on the wall.]
[Curly turns his head and sees Larry in trouble]
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo. [He snarls and barks]
[Larry and Henchman #2 are fighting. Curly runs over to help. He kicks the henchman in the rear. The henchman turns around, Curly tries to punch him in the face, but he ducks, causing Curly to hit Larry unconscious by accident.]
LARRY: Oh! [Falls on the chair next to him and sits there unconscious.]
[The henchman turns around and punches Curly in the face. Curly falls back and he gets poked in the rear by a sword that's being held by an armor]
CURLY: Nyah ah!! [Turns around and sees the armor standing with a sword sticking out of his hand] Whoa oh!
[Curly walks towards the henchman ready to fight. He kicks him in the leg.]
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo.
[With his head, Curly rams the henchman in the stomach. The henchman moves backwards and gets poked by the sword as well.]
HENCHMAN #2: Ouch!!
[The henchman then quickly runs forward where he lands on Curly’s fist and falls to the floor unconscious.]
[Curly turns his head and sees Moe and Dill fighting]
CURLY: Nyah! Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!
[Curly runs toward Moe and Dill. Moe and Dill are rolling over on the floor fighting.]
CURLY: Give it to him, Moe. Give it to him, Moe. Give it to him. Hmmm. [He quickly grabs a wrench]
CURLY: Roll him over, Moe. I’ll cram that Dillpickle.
[Moe rolls him over and Curly gets ready to hit him. However, Dill rolls Moe over and Curly ends up hitting Moe unconscious by accident. Dill is set free. He looks at Moe, who is unconscious, and then looks at Curly who he wants to attack]
CURLY: Nyah ah ah!
[Dill gets up, pushes up his sleeves, and gets ready to fight. Curly is having a hard time finding the right time to strike Dill with the wrench]
Curly: Hmmmm!
[Curly throws the wrench at Dill who ducks. The wrench hits the tire on the wall and it bounces back. It hits Dill right on the back of the head. He loses consciousness and Curly blows on him, and he falls to the ground]
CURLY: Hey fellas! I did it. I did it. Hehe.
[Larry and Moe regain consciousness and get up]
LARRY: Call the wagon!
MOE: Success!
[Moe shakes Curly’s hand. Moe then turns to Larry and they salute to each other. They kiss each other on both cheeks. Curly sees them, taps Moe on the back. Moe turns around, Curly grabs his face and kisses him on the mouth.]
MOE: [Groans and spits] Mmm. I’m poisoned.
[Moe hits Curly in the stomach]
CURLY: Oh! Listen you! [Points his finger and Moe bites it]
The gorilla walks in and growls]
CURLY: Nyah! The gorilla!
MOE: Don’t be scared. Don’t be scared. Just run!!!!
CURLY: Ah!
[The stooges run away and enter the next room]
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo
[Curly sees a guillotine and hides behind it. Moe sees a big, empty box]
MOE: Wait! The box.
[Moe opens the box. Larry and Moe climb inside and close it]
[The gorilla walks in and growls while it looks for the stooges. The gorilla walks off camera]
[Curly sticks his head through the opening of the guillotine. He looks on both sides and smiles. He then lifts his head up slightly and the head opening of the guillotine closes. His head is now stuck. Curly sputters as he struggles to free his head. He feels a rope in his right hand and looks at it.]
CURLY: Hmm. This outta lift it.
[The end of the rope is attached to the blade]
[Moe and Larry open the box they're hiding in and they stand up to look around to make sure the gorilla is not around]
[Curly pulls the rope that’s attached to the blade of the guillotine. The blade falls down on Curly]
[Moe gasps and faints, thinking Curly might have beheaded himself]
LARRY: [catches Moe] Moe! What happened? Speak to me!
CURLY: Hey Moe! Hey Larry! I cut my head off! I’m dead. Nail my head on. I don’t want to be dead. There’s no future in it. [He realizes he’s not dead] How can I be dead? I’m talking! That’s a coincidence.
[Larry pulls Moe up by the hair and Moe slowly gets revived]
MOE: Whew! Oh!
LARRY: You all right?
[The gorilla is holding a dummy. While the gorilla snarls, it punches the dummy’s head and it flies across the room. It slides right in front of Moe and Larry.]
Moe: [Just revived from unconsciousness] Whew!
[Moe and Larry see the dummy’s head on the floor.]
LARRY: Curly!! [Points to the dummy’s head]
MOE: Ahhhhhhhhh!!
[Moe and Larry both faint and fall back inside the box. The box closes]
[The gorilla walks up to a small bag. Curious to see what’s inside, it opens the bag and sees a small bottle of Nitro-Glycerine. The gorilla pops open the bottle, drinks the whole thing, and then drops the empty bottle on the floor.]
[Curly's head is still stuck in the guillotine. He lifts the top half of the head opening and frees his head. He lifts the blade up, taps it, and realizes it’s not a real, sharp blade]
CURLY: Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!! Rubber! I knew it all the time.
[The blade falls down by itself and Curly gets startled by it]
CURLY: Ah!! Ruff! Ruff!!
[Moe and Larry open the box they’re hiding in and they stand up. Curly walks up next to them, but they don’t see each other yet.]
CURLY: Hmm. [As he looks at the guillotine]
[Moe and Curly turn their heads and see each other]
MOE & CURLY: [both startled] Nyah!!
[The stooges look down at the dummy’s head.]
CURLY: Oh!! Hehe. [Picks the dummy’s head off the floor]
[Moe and Larry climb out of the box]
[The gorilla walks in through the door. The gorilla snarls at them. The stooges become frightened.]
CURLY: Nyah ah ah ah!! [Points at the gorilla]
[The gorilla continues snarling]
CURLY: [to Moe and Larry] Wait a minute! I’ve had enough of him too. Spread out! Woo-woo-woo-woo. Woo-woo-woo-woo.
[With his head, Curly rams the gorilla in the stomach. A big explosion occurs. As soon as the smoke clears, we see the stooges buried under piles of broken wood. Some pieces of wood continue to fall. The stooges struggle to break free from the piles of wood. Finally, they manage to get the wood off of themselves. We now see the stooges all burnt up from the explosion]
MOE: Oh boy! We got the ape man!
CURLY: What do you mean “we?” I got him. [Lifts the head of the gorilla]
CURLY: [barks at the gorilla's head] Ruff! Ruff!
[The head of the gorilla growls back at Curly twice.]
CURLY: Nyah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
[Curly quickly lets go of the gorilla’s head. The stooges all gasp and yell in fear as they run away]
--THE END--
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