Lobby Cards: The Classic Comedies (The Michael Hawks Collection: Volume II)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2008-07-21
CACTUS MAKES PERFECT
[ The short opens on an exterior shot of a house around a farm in the country. There are several barnyard animals outside of the house, including a cow. ]
[ Inside the kitchen of the house, the Stooges’ mother is frustratingly trying to remove an axe that’s stuck in a big log of wood. She keeps raising the axe and slamming the log down into the floor, with no luck in getting the log removed. ]
MA: Hmmmmmmm-hmmm!! [ slaps face ]
[ Ma lifts the axe in the air one more time, and the log finally dislodges from the axe. It falls down and smashes into pieces over Ma’s head. Ma falls down backwards on the floor and smashes her head on several objects behind her. ]
MA: UHH!!
[ A framed picture of the Stooges falls from the wall above Ma and lands in her lap ]
MA: Hmmm-mmmm!!
[ Ma angrily picks up the picture and is about to break in it half, before she looks closer at the picture. Her mood suddenly changes into a happy one. ]
MA: Ohh, my sons! Larry, Moe, and Curly! [ patting Curly’s picture ] Ain’t he cute?
[ Ma suddenly hears the Stooges snoring very loudly from upstairs ]
MA: Get out of that bed, you lazy loafers, and come down and help me!!
[ Upstairs, the Stooges are asleep in the same bed, snoring ]
MOE: ZZZZZZ
LARRY: ZZZZZZ
CURLY: Hmm!
MOE: ZZZZZZ
LARRY: ZZZZZZ
CURLY: Hmm!
[ Ma gets very angry and pulls on a long wire in the kitchen. The wire causes the Stooges’ bed to revolve around and around. The Stooges continue sleeping through this. ]
[ Ma pulls the wire even harder, and the bed spins completely out of the control and throws the Stooges out of it. The Stooges lay on top of each other on the floor next to the bathroom door, still sleeping. Larry, who’s on top of the pile, turns over in his sleep and falls flat on the floor, also waking up the other two Stooges. ]
MOE: [ slaps Larry’s back ] What’s the idea of rollin’ over in your sleep?!
LARRY: I couldn’t help it!
MOE: [ holding up his eyepoking fingers ] Why, you--
MA: [ from downstairs ] Get out of that bed!!
LARRY: [ pointing towards downstairs ] Hey! Ma must’ve been tryin’ to wake us up again!
MOE: Yeah, let’s go in the bathroom and clean up.
LARRY: I’m gonna brush my teeth!
CURLY: I’m gonna change my socks - what an experience.
[ Larry opens the bathroom door, accidentally bumping it into Moe’s head, causing Moe’s head to bump into Curly behind him ]
MOE AND CURLY: Ooh!!
LARRY: Sorry!
MOE: I’ll murder you!
[ Moe and Larry go inside the tiny bathroom. Curly tries to squeeze inside, but has trouble. ]
CURLY: Hmm!
MOE: What are ya tryin’ to do?!
[ Curly finally squeezes inside the tiny bathroom ]
[ Curly takes a razor and pants heavily on it several times. He grabs a razor slab and smacks the razor against it for a few seconds. When he brings the razor up to his face, he accidentally scrapes the side of Moe’s cheek with it. ]
MOE: Nyaaagh!
[ Curly tries to pull a hair from his head, but none of his hairs are long enough. Then he looks at Moe and plucks out a strand of hair from his head. ]
MOE: OW!!
[ Curly cuts the strand of hair with the razor twice, making a xylophone sound, then he places the hair on top of his own head ]
[ Larry stands behind Moe and tries to brush his own teeth while looking in the mirror, but accidentally brushes Moe’s teeth instead ]
MOE: Nyuuuuuh!!
[ Moe slaps Larry’s hand away, then swipes some toothpaste from his mouth and slaps it on the side of Larry’s head ]
MOE: What’s the matta with you?!
[ Curly spins his dauber around in shaving cream for a few seconds. Then as he brings the dauber slowly towards his face, Moe unknowingly elbows Curly while combing his hair, causing Curly to accidentally shove shaving cream into his own face. ]
CURLY: Hmm!
[ Curly tries to bring the dauber to his face a second time, and Moe elbows Curly, shoving shaving cream into Curly’s face again ]
CURLY: Hmm!!
[ Curly tries this again once more and the same result happens ]
CURLY: [ angrily ] Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
MOE: [ looks at Curly ] Oh, well!
[ Moe pats the shaving cream around Curly’s face ]
MOE: Where’s your razoo? [ picks up Curly’s razor ] Oh!
[ Moe tucks a napkin under Larry’s neck ]
MOE: Ha ha ha ha ha!
[ With the razor, Moe swipes some of the cream off of Curly’s face, then picks the cream off the razor and throws it behind him on Larry’s mouth. ]
[ Moe begins scraping Curly’s face with the razor a little harder, and continues throwing some more cream on Larry’s face ]
[ Moe scrapes the razor under Curly’s neck, getting it stuck under his chin ]
CURLY: EEE-EEE-YUHH-EEH!!
[ Moe tries to scrape the razor under Curly’s lip ]
MOE: Make like this-- [ moves his own lips to the side of his face ]
[ Curly does the same with his lips and Moe quickly scrapes the razor up over Curly’s lips and gets it caught right under his nose ]
CURLY: OHHH!! OHHHH!! OHH-HO!! [ pauses ] I got a little soap on my tongue. [ sticks out his tongue ]
[ Moe quickly scrapes the razor across Curly’s tongue ]
CURLY: Yaaaahh!
[ Moe scraps the razor around Curly’s left eye ]
CURLY: Yaaah-aaaah! [ pauses ] Thank you, thank you!
[ Moe quickly scrapes the razor around Curly’s face, causing loud plunk sounds as he yanks out some hair from Curly’s face ]
[ Moe digs the razor inside Curly’s left nostril a bit ]
CURLY: Ohhh-yehhhh-owww!
[ Moe plucks out a hair from Curly’s left nostril, then goes inside his right nostril with the razor ]
CURLY: Oww!! Oooh!! [ pauses ] Wait a minute! Wait a minute!!
[ Moe stares angrily at Curly as Curly spins his dauber around in shaving cream ]
CURLY: Hmm!
[ Curly holds the dauber in front of him and Moe ]
CURLY: Open your mouth and say “Ah!”
[ Moe shoves the dauber into Curly’s open mouth ]
MOE: Ah!
CURLY: Hmm!
MA: [ from downstairs ] Get out of that bed, you lazy loa--!!
MOE: Hey, hurry up! We’re liable to miss our breakfast! Come on!
[ The Stooges zip down their pajamas, revealing their outdoor clothes already on under it ]
[ The Stooges begin sliding down a pole that leads into the kitchen. Ma yanks and rattles the bottom of the pole. ]
ALL STOOGES: YAAAH-AAAH-AAAAH!
[ The Stooges fall down on the kitchen floor ]
ALL STOOGES: UHH!!
[ As they get up from the floor, Moe and Curly bump heads by accident. Then Ma stands in front of them and gives them all a sharp triple slap across their faces. ]
CURLY: Oh, Ma!
[ Ma pulls out a letter that arrived in the mail ]
MA: It’s a letter for Curly. From The Inventors Association. [ hands the letter to Curly ]
CURLY: This is personal! Hah hah! [ reading ] “Dear Mr. Jack--” Ahh ha ha ha! Look at the way he spells Jack - “J-E-R-K”! Ha!
MOE: [ snatching the letter ] Come onnn, you don’t know how to read!
CURLY: Hmm!
[ Curly puts his hands over Moe’s ears ]
MOE: What’s the idea of coverin’ my ears?!
CURLY: I don’t want you to hear what the letter has to say!
MOE: Yeah--
[ Moe does a double-take, then looks at Curly with an angry expression ]
MOE: [ reading ] “After trying your gold collar button retriever, I have concluded that it is incomprehensible and utterly unpractical.”
CURLY: Oh, boy! Success!
MOE: Success!
[ The Stooges shake hands ]
CURLY: Oh, success, Mom!
MA: Well… just what does this invention do?
CURLY: Wait, I’ll show you, Ma!
[ Curly goes to the corner of the kitchen and brings out the gold collar button retriever with an arrow sticking out of it ]
CURLY: This is my new invention! [ holds up a piece of gold ] This is a collar button. I throw it away, and wherever it goes, the arrow will find it. [ tosses the gold away ] Nyuk nyuk, nyuk!
[ Curly moves around some gadgets on his invention, causing it to make a static-y sound. The arrow on the invention flies out and lands off-camera. ]
MA: [ off-camera ] AAAH!!
CURLY: NYAAH-AAAH-AAAH!
[ The camera shows Ma with the arrow sticking through her hair, pinning her to the cabinets behind her ]
MA: Get me out of here!! Get me out!!
MOE: Take it easy, Ma! We’ll have it out in a minute!
[ The Stooges pull the arrow out of Ma’s hair, and rip out the top of her hair along with it ]
MA: Oh! I’ve been scalped! Hmmm!
[ Ma grabs the arrow and smacks it over the top of Curly’s head ]
CURLY: Ohh!!
LARRY: Oh, Ma!
[ The Stooges begin rushing out of the kitchen, as Ma repeatedly kicks Curly in the behind ]
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with the Stooges exiting the house. They stand out the front door saying goodbye to Ma. Curly is holding his gold finder invention. ]
LARRY: Goodbye, Ma!
MOE: Goodbye, Ma!
CURLY: Goodbye, Ma! We’re off to the city to make our fortune.
MA: [ teary ] Oh, wait a minute! [ pulls out some money ] Here’s… $5 for expenses.
CURLY: [ holding out his hand ] Oh, thanks!
MA: You would take it!
[ Ma bonks Curly’s head backwards, bumping it into Moe’s head, and causing Moe to bump backwards into Larry’s head ]
ALL STOOGES: OH!!
[ The cow next to the house moos loudly ]
CURLY: Betsy! [ walks over to the cow ]
MOE: Goodbye, Ma!
MA: Goodb-- [ does a double-take ] You startin’ that again?! [ slaps Moe ]
LARRY: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
MOE: What are ya-- [ slaps Larry ] --laughin’ at?!
[ Curly has his face close to the cow, and the cow licks Curly’s cheek ]
CURLY: Ugh! [ gags ] Betsy!
[ Curly walks away from the cow ]
CURLY: Hey, fellas, what are ya waitin’ for? Come on!
[ The Stooges rush out of the porch of the house, and they are already outside in the middle of the city street ]
MOE: Goodbye, Ma!
LARRY: Goodbye, Ma!
CURLY: Goodbye, Ma!
MOE: We’ll be seein’ ya!
CURLY: Don’t worry!
[ A big truck stops right behind the Stooges and honks its horn loudly ]
CURLY: Nyaah!
[ The Stooges look behind them ]
ALL STOOGES: Nyaaaaaah!!
[ The Stooges run out of the street and onto the sidewalk ]
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo! He almost hit me in the safety zone!
MOE: Never mind that! We gotta find somebody to buy that gold finder.
[ A passer-by overhears the Stooges and walks up to them ]
MAN: Did I understand you boys to say you had a gold finder?
CURLY: Why, soitenly!
MAN: Why, I’m the fella you wanna meet! I can sell you the rights to the lost mine. $100,000 tons of pure gold, worth $35 an ounce. Think of it!
MOE: [ closes his eyes ] I can’t! [ to Curly ] How much is that in round numbers?
[ Curly moves his lips and head around rapidly, making a sound like a calculator clicking. After makes a loud dinging sound, he pulls out a long receipt from his mouth. ]
CURLY: [ reading ] That’s 80 billion 16 million and 51 cents and a fraction.
MOE: Whew! Profit?
CURLY: No. Less income tax leaves us $27.
MOE: Oh, boy! [ to the man ] How much you want for it?
CURLY: I only got $50.
MAN: [ quickly ] I’ll take it!
CURLY: I get the-- [ does a double take ] NYAAH!
LARRY: It’s a deal! Pay him!
CURLY: Hmmm!
[ Curly pulls up his pant leg and takes out the $50 from inside his stocking ]
CURLY: [ to the man ] Here ya are!
MAN: Oh, thank you.
CURLY: [ whispering to Larry ] He don’t know I got another 50! Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
MAN: Ah, but I got the map and that’ll cost you 50 more!
CURLY: DYAAAH!
LARRY: Pay him the $50!
CURLY: I forget where it is!
MOE: Oh, yeah?
[ Moe and Larry rip open the top half of Curly’s shirt, then tear off two patches of paper that are glued over his chest. ]
CURLY: OHHHWHOOAA!!
[ Under the two patches is another paper over Curly’s chest that says “IT’S IN HIS LEFT POCKET”. ]
MOE: Ah, it’s in his left pocket!
CURLY: Right!
[ Curly pulls out $50 from his right pocket and gives it the to man. The man gives the Stooges the map. ]
MOE: Where is this mine?
MAN: Way out west, boys! [ leaves ]
MOE: Oh, boy, out west!
CURLY: Where men are men are men are men are men are men--
[ Moe slaps his hand over Curly’s mouth ]
CURLY: Mmmph!
[ Moe releases his hand ]
CURLY: --and they’re glad of it!
MOE: Shaddup!
LARRY: [ into the street ] Taxi!
CURLY: Pick us up and make it snappy! [ running in place ] Out west!
LARRY: Woo hoo!
MOE: [ taking off his hat ] Yeeee--
[ A taxi is driving towards the Stooges and the passenger’s door pops open automatically ]
ALL STOOGES: WHOO-HOO! YOO-HOO!
[ The taxi drives past the Stooges and the open passenger’s door knocks them all inside the back of the cab quickly. The Stooges happily peer out from the back window as the cab drives away down the street. ]
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins out west in an area with cactuses and bushes ]
[ The arrow from Curly’s gold finder suddenly flies on camera and sticks into the dirt. The Stooges come rushing into the scene. ]
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo!
ALL STOOGES: Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold!
[ The Stooges quickly and excitedly dig under the dirt, only to find several tin cans. Moe looks at Curly with a disappointed expression and throws down the cans. ]
MOE: Tan cans… That ain’t no gold finder - it’s a scavenger!
CURLY: Maybe it’s the climate that’s crazy with the heat!
MOE: How do you feel?
CURLY: Oh, pretty good!
MOE: [ slaps Curly ] Get ouuut!
CURLY: Hmmm!
[ Curly turns backwards and waves the tail of his skunk cap into Moe’s face ]
MOE: Nyaaaaaaah!
CURLY: [ sticking out his tongue ] Mmm!
[ Moe pours dirt onto Curly’s tongue ]
CURLY: AH-AH-AH-AHH! [ spits out the dirt ]
[ Meanwhile, two claimjumpers are close to the same area as the Stooges. Claimjumper #1 is standing up and holding a bag of gold in his hand. Claimjumper #2 is sitting down and drinking. ]
CLAIMJUMPER #1: Humph! Six months on the desert and all we got is this little poker gold.
[ Claimjumper #1 puts the bag of gold inside his back pocket ]
CLAIMJUMPER #2: Well, sure’s been tough.
[ Curly is standing next to his gold finder ]
CURLY: Zzzzip! I shoot an arrow into the air… where it lands, I do not care… I get my arrows wholesale!
MOE: Come on, get this thing started!
CURLY: [ to the gold finder ] This time, you find gold!
[ Curly moves some gadgets around on the invention, and the arrow shoots off into the air. It detects the bag of gold in the back pocket of Claimjumper #1, who’s bending over. The arrow lands right into his behind. ]
CLAIMJUMPER #1: AAAAAAAHHH!!! OOOH OHHHHHH HO! AAAHH AAAAH!! [ pulls out the arrow ]
MOE: Oh, boy!
ALL STOOGES: Gold, gold, we want gold! [ kicking their leg back ] ZOOT!
[ The Stooges rush over to the arrow where the claimjumpers are ]
ALL STOOGES: Gold, gold gold!
CURLY: I get the--
[ The Stooges notice the claimjumpers ]
CURLY: Nyaaah-aaaah! [ sees the arrow ] Hey, that belongs to me!
CLAIMJUMPER #1: That’s all I wanted to know!
[ Claimjumper #1 shoots at Curly’s skunk cap, causing it to turn around backwards on Curly’s head ]
CURLY: Nyaaah-aaaaah-aaaaah!
[ The Stooges run away back to where they were standing before ]
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo! Woo-woo! [ to Moe ] Hey! Should I shoot another arrow?
MOE: Listen, William Tell - for two pins, I’d bat your brains out!
CURLY: I ain’t got any pins!
MOE: You haven’t got any brains, either!
[ Moe slaps Curly in the head, pushing Curly backwards into a cactus with sharp thorns ]
CURLY: AAAH-AAAH-AAAH!! I’M ON FIRE! I’M ON FIRE! I’M STUCK! HMMM!! Moe, Larry! Help me, I’m--
[ Moe pulls Curly off the cactus and bends him over, revealing many thorns sticking in the behind of his pants ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Come on, get busy! [ to Curly ] Don’t worry, kid. We’ll have those out in two shakes and a twist.
[ Moe pulls out a pair of pliers and Larry pulls out scissors ]
MOE: Come on!
[ Moe begins yanking out the thorns with the pliers, while Larry cut off parts of the thorns with the scissors ]
CURLY: [ slapping his face ] DAAAAH-AAAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAH!! OHH! OWW! OWW!
[ Moe looks over and notices Larry’s only cutting off half of the thorns ]
MOE: Hey! You’re leavin’ the ends in ‘im!
LARRY: Well, they don’t show!
MOE: [ slaps Larry ] Come onnnn! I’ll handle this!
[ Moe continues pulling the thorns out with the pliers ]
CURLY: NYAAAAH!!
[ Moe struggles with pulling out one particular thorn ]
MOE: Wait a minute!
CURLY: Owww!
[ Moe puts his foot on Curly’s behind and pushes while he tries pulling the thorn out with the pliers. When the thorn gets pulled out, Moe’s foot pushes Curly forward and Curly knocks Larry back into the cactus. ]
LARRY: AAAAAAGH!
[ The cactus wraps it’s “arms” around Larry’s head ]
LARRY: Moe!! He’s got me! Aaaah!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with Curly tying a rope from his gold finder arrow to his wrist ]
CURLY: Hmm!
MOE: Hey, what’s the idea of the rope?
CURLY: This is my last arrow. You think I wanna lose it? Where it goes, I go!
[ Curly sets himself behind the gold finder machine and turns it on ]
CURLY: Eenie meenie minie mo, we need gold, come on, let’s go! Make it snappy!
[ The arrow shoots into the air, sending Curly flying in the air along with it ]
CURLY: WHOAAAA-AAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAAH-AAAAAH!!
MOE: Hang on to it, kid, and we’ll be right with ya! [ to Larry ] Come on!
CURLY: YAAAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAAH-AAAAH!!
[ The arrow goes through a wooden board covering a shaft opening, followed by Curly crashing head-first into the wooden board. Curly moves his legs around trying to free his head from the shaft, but he can’t. The camera shows Curly’s head inside the shaft, and there’s a sign above his head saying “LOST MINE - Finders Keepers”. ]
CURLY: Hey, Moe! [ trying to move his head ] Nggggh! AUUGHH!! Hey, Moe! Hey, Larry! Get me out, I’m stuck! Hey, Moe! Hey, Larry! Hey, Moe! Woo woo!
[ Moe and Larry run over Curly and see his legs outside of the shaft ]
MOE: Lookit here! He thinks he’s an ostritch! [ to Curly ] Come on outta there! What are ya doin’ in there?
[ Moe and Larry pull the back of Curly’s coat, trying to get his head out ]
MOE: Wait a minute! Grab a hold of his leg.
[ Moe and Larry each grab one of Curly’s legs and begin pulling ]
MOE: Heave!
CURLY: Hey, boys! Hey, boys! Not that! Please! Put my legs down! Put my legs down!! Hmm!!
MOE: Heave! Heave!
CURLY: [ moving his legs around ] Moe, Larry!
MOE: Hold still!
[ Moe and Larry continue pulling ]
MOE: Heave!
[ Moe and Larry put Curly’s legs down ]
MOE: Ahh!
LARRY: This ain’t gettin’ us no place! We’ll have to blast!
MOE: Yeah, we-- [ looks behind him ] Wait a minute. [ picks up a crowbar ] Maybe we can pry him out!
LARRY: It’ll take longer, but go ahead.
MOE: Right.
[ Moe holds the crowbar around Curly’s neck, trying to get it inside the shaft ]
MOE: Gimme a little room!
[ Moe squeezes the head of the crowbar inside of the shaft. Curly sees the crowbar head and gets nervous. ]
CURLY: Nyaaaah! D-D-D-D-D! Hey, Moe, please!
[ The crowbar wraps around Curly’s neck and Moe starts pulling ]
CURLY: Nyaaah-aaaah-AAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAH!! Stop it!! Stop it!
[ The crowbar stops pulling for a few seconds, then it moves around for a bit around Curly’s mouth ]
CURLY: Hey, Moe! Hey, Moe! Hey, Mooooeee!!
[ The crowbar gets stuck inside of Curly’s mouth and Moe pulls the crowbar ]
CURLY: [ muffled ] Aaaah-aaaah-aaaah-aaaaah!
MOE: [ to Larry ] Hmm, I think I’m snagged!
CURLY: [ muffled ] Yeah, so am I! Yuhh!
[ The crowbar gets pulled out of Curly’s mouth ]
CURLY: Boy, oh--
[ The crowbar gets stuck over Curly’s forehead ]
CURLY: Yuhh-uhh-uhh-uhhh!
[ The crowbar scrapes against Curly’s teeth ]
CURLY: Yuhhhhhh! Hey, Moe! Hey, Moe!
[ The crowbar wraps itself around Curly’s forehead again ]
CURLY: Aaaaargh!! Get off!
[ The crowbar releases from Curly’s forehead ]
CURLY: If I only had my hands free! If I only had my hands free!!
MOE: I’d better use the other end.
[ Moe pulls the crowbar head out from the shaft, then shoves the other end of the crowbar inside, bumping it right against Curly’s face ]
CURLY: Oooh-uhhh-uhhh-uhhh!
[ Moe pulls the crowbar back a little bit, getting it stuck on Curly’s eye ]
CURLY: Ooooh-ooooh-ooooh! Hahh-chh-chh-chh!
[ The crowbar slaps repeatedly against Curly’s face ]
CURLY: [ angrily ] Nyah ha ha! Go ahead! Go ahead! Keep it up! Keep it up! Keep it up!
[ Moe pulls the crowbar out and puts it down on the ground ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] We can’t pull him out his way. We’d better push him through, and then we’ll take him out from the other end.
[ Moe and Larry get behind Curly ]
MOE: Ready?
LARRY: Right!
MOE AND LARRY: Heave!
[ Moe and Larry push Curly ahead, and he falls down into the shaft ]
CURLY: WHOOOAA-OHH-OHH-OHH-OHH-OHH! WHOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
[ A loud crashing noise is heard as Curly hits the bottom of the mine ]
MOE: [ peering into the shaft ] Hello down there?!
[ At the bottom of the shaft inside the mine, Curly is standing upside down on his head on the ground ]
CURLY: Helloooo up theeeeeeere!! [ falls over ] Uhhh!
[ Curly stands up and notices the gold finder arrow sticking into the dirt ]
CURLY: Hmm! [ to Moe and Larry ] Throw down the tools!!
MOE: [ to Larry ] He wants the tools!
[ Moe and Larry throw the tools down the shaft ]
CURLY: Ha ha--
[ All of the tools land on Curly’s head ]
CURLY: OWWW!! Hmm! Hmmmm!
[ Curly picks up a shovel and throws it back up at Moe and Larry ]
CURLY: Hmm!
[ The shovel hits them in the face, then comes back down and almost hits Curly again ]
CURLY: Hey, fellas!! Come on down!! Hurry!!
[ Moe peers further into the shaft and notices the ladder leading down into the mine ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Come on, there’s a ladder here!
[ Moe begins climbing down the ladder. As he sets his foot on the first step, all of the ladder steps break and he slides down into the bottom of the mine. ]
MOE: Whoooaa! [ to Curly ] I’ll murder you!
[ Larry falls into the bottom of the shaft, next to Moe and Curly ]
LARRY: AAAAAAAAHHHH!!
[ Moe helps Larry up, then turns back to Curly ]
MOE: Why, I’ll--
CURLY: You ain’t got time now! We gotta find the gold!
MOE: Gold? What are we waitin’ for? Start diggin’!
[ The Stooges each grab a shovel ]
MOE: Outta my way here! [ takes off his hat ] I hope it ain’t tin cans this time!
CURLY: Hmm!
[ Curly and Larry moves their shovels, and both of their shovel handles wrap around Moe’s neck ]
MOE: OOOOOWW!!
[ The handle of Curly’s shovel bops Moe’s face repeatedly ]
MOE: Nyaaaah-aaaaah-aaaaghhnnn!
[ Curly’s shovel handle spins around back and forth rapidly in front of Moe’s face, and Moe moves his face back and forth along with it. The shovel finally stops. ]
MOE: Grrrrrrr!
[ Larry’s shovel handle bops Moe on the face ]
MOE: Ooh!
[ Moe raises the metal end of his shovel towards his face. Curly’s shovel handle pushes Moe’s shovel end into Moe’s face. ]
MOE: OOH!
[ Larry’s shovel handle bops Moe’s face again ]
MOE: OOH!
[ Moe bangs his shovel end on Larry and Curly’s heads ]
CURLY: OHHH! OOH!
MOE: Now… put down that shovel and get a pick!
CURLY: Hmmm!
[ Curly throws his shovel handle forward, hitting Moe in the face with it ]
MOE: OOH! [ taking off his vest ] I’ll murder you guys yet!
[ The two claimjumpers are peering into the mine shaft from outside ]
CLAIMJUMPER #2: Sufferin’ catfish! They found the lost mine!
CLAIMJUMPER #1: So what?
CLAIMJUMPER #2: But they’re liable to find the gold!
CLAIMJUMPER #1: Well, let ‘em do the work, and we take the gold away from ‘em! [ pulls out his gun ] Ha ha ha ha ha!
CLAIMJUMPER #2: Ha ha HA!
MOE: [ to Curly and Larry ] I’m gonna work in the corner. Now you guys get busy - both of ya!
[ Curly swings back his pick and it gets caught on the back of Moe’s suspenders. Curly struggles to pull the pick back to him, causing him to stretch Moe’s suspenders. ]
MOE: Mmmm!! Let it go!
[ Curly releases the crowbar, causing it to snap back on the suspenders into Moe’s head ]
MOE: OHHHH!!
[ Moe moves his head forward and bangs it into the corner ]
MOE: OH!
CURLY: Nyaaah!
[ Curly swings the pick backwards again, getting it stuck on a wooden bar above him. He pulls the wooden bar down and it bangs on top of Moe’s head. ]
MOE: OHH!!
[ Moe begins bawling like a baby for a few seconds. Then after he recollects himself, he walks over to Curly. ]
CURLY: I didn’t mean it! I--
[ Moe slaps Curly’s head ]
CURLY: Ohhh!
[ Curly’s head moves backwards and a stick which resembles a coin slot handle from the wall above his head lowers down a bit and bops him on the head ]
CURLY: Oh! Hmmmm!
[ Curly raises the handle up again, then turns back to Moe ]
CURLY: I get the--
[ The handle lowers and bops Curly’s head again ]
CURLY: Nyaaah-aaaah! Hmmm!
[ Curly grabs the handle and angrily yanks it down. A loud rattling noise is heard inside of the wall. ]
CURLY: Nyaaah!
[ A slot inside the wall opens up and many gold coins pour out from it onto the floor ]
LARRY: Gold!
[ Larry takes off his hat, crouches down on the floor, and puts several gold coins in his hair ]
CURLY: I hit the jackpot!
MOE: Yeah! [ looking at Larry’s hair ] Hey, there’s more here!
[ Moe begins pulling the gold coins from Larry’s hair ]
[ As Curly peeks into the open slot in the wall, a couple of more coins come sliding out into his face ]
MOE: The jackpot hit you!
CURLY: But I like it! [ looking into the slot again ] Come on!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with the Stooges crawling out of the mine shaft, with Curly carrying a large bag of gold ]
MOE: Boy, won’t Ma be happy?
LARRY: Yeah, we’ll take her right out of the kitchen.
CURLY: And move the stove in the dining room!
[ The two claimjumpers sneak up behind the Stooges with guns ]
MOE: Let’s go!
CURLY: [ lifting the bag ] Ha ha--
[ Curly swings the bag backwards, accidentally hitting the claimjumpers in the face with it and knocking them on the ground. The Stooges look back and notice. ]
STOOGES: NYAAAH-AAAAH-AAAH-AAAH!
[ The Stooges run away ]
CLAIMJUMPER #1: Those double-crossers!
[ The claimjumpers get up from the ground and begin chasing the Stooges ]
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with Moe entering the lobby of an old abandoned hotel. As he closes the door, Larry swings open the door next to it and hits Moe in the face. ]
MOE: OOH! [ grabs Larry’s neck ]
LARRY: Wait a minute, Moe! Those desert rats are after us!
MOE: Yeah, and they want the gold, too. Where’s Curly?
LARRY: I don’t know!
[ Moe and Larry walk over to the front desk in the lobby. Moe rings the bell on the desk to the first few tunes of “Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits”. Curly rises from the other side of the lobby desk and finishes ringing the tune. ]
CURLY: Did you ring, sir?
MOE: Yeah. Did you see a guy about that high [ holds his hand up in the air ], and about that wide [ holds his hands far apart ]?
CURLY: Did he have a coon hat on?
[ Moe finally realizes that the desk clerk is Curly, then looks at him angrily ]
CURLY: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
MOE: Take it off!
[ Curly takes off his hat, and Moe smashes the bell on top of Curly’s head ]
CURLY: OH OH!! OHH!
LARRY: Where’s the gold?
CURLY: Don’t worry, it’s safe in the safe!
MOE: Alright, we’ll cut it up three ways. We’ll have it--
[ Loud footsteps are heard ]
MOE: Shh! You hear somethin’? [ pauses ] Must be those guys again.
[ The Stooges go over to the windows. Moe and Larry peek outside of one window, while Curly goes over to the second window and ducks under it. As Curly rises to peek out the window, the claimjumpers are on the other side of the same window peeking through. ]
CURLY: NYAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAH!
[ Curly pulls down the shades and ducks under the window. The shades fall off in front of the window. Curly again slowly rises up to the window, only to see the claimjumpers still there. ]
CURLY: Nyaaah-aaaaah!
CLAIMJUMPER #1: Where’s that gold?!
CURLY: DAAAARGH!!
[ Curly eyepokes Claimjumper #1 right through the window, then runs away from the window. The claimjumpers run away from the window and head towards the lobby entrance. The Stooges run over behind the lobby desk, where there are tons of cobwebs. The big safe is right next to the Stooges. ]
MOE: Hey! Quick, we’ll hide in the safe with the gold!
[ Moe opens the safe. The Stooges run in and close the safe door right as the claimjumpers enter the lobby and rush up to the safe door. ]
CLAIMJUMPER #2: Hey, gold’s in the safe!
CLAIMJUMPER #1: We’ll empty in the dynamite and we’ll blow ‘em up!
[ Inside the safe, Moe and Curly run into each other ]
MOE: Ooh!
CURLY: Hmmm!
MOE: [ leaning Curly against the door ] Get around here, you! Where’s the gold?!
CURLY: [ pointing behind Moe ] There it is!
LARRY: We sure fooled them!
MOE: Yeah, we--
[ A loud squeaking sound is heard from the claimjumpers drilling a hole through the safe door ]
MOE: Hey, what’s that?
CURLY: Termites!
[ Claimjumper #1 drills in too far, causing it to drill into Curly’s behind ]
CURLY: NYAAAAGH!!
MOE: What’s the matter with you?
CURLY: I think a termite bit me!
MOE: Yeah-- [ does a double-take ]
[ The claimjumpers throw a lit stick of dynamite through the hole in the safe door. It lands right at Curly’s feet. ]
CURLY: Oh, look! [ picks up the dynamite ] A roman candle! FZZZ BOOM CUCKOO! 4th of July! Ha ha!
MOE: Hey, marble-head?
CURLY: Huh?
MOE: You know what that thing is you’re holdin’ there? That’s dynamite!
CURLY: You mean the things with the-- [ does a double-take ] NYAAAH-AAAH-AAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAAH!!
[ Curly tosses the dynamite over to Moe ]
MOE: Look out.
[ Moe shoves the dynamite back out the hole in the safe door. It lands next to the claimjumpers, who are standing with their backs to the door, plugging their ears with their fingers. ]
CLAIMJUMPER #2: Hey, I smell smoke.
CLAIMJUMPER #1: I’m not smokin’!
[ The claimjumpers look on the floor and see the dynamite ]
CLAIMJUMPER #1: AAAAAHH!!
[ Claimjumper #1 quickly picks up the dynamite and puts it back into the safe ]
ALL STOOGES: AAH!
[ Moe picks up the dynamite and clumsily tries to put it back through the hole, but fails ]
ALL STOOGES: WHOAAA!
[ Moe drops the dynamite and Curly picks it up ]
CURLY: What’s all of this fuss about?!
[ Curly holds the dynamite in front of him as the fuse gets ready to go off ]
ALL STOOGES: NYAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAAH-AAAAAH-AAAAH--
[ The dynamite pops lightly instead of exploding ]
CURLY: Oh! A squizzle!
ALL STOOGES: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha--
[ Curly throws the dynamite on the floor, and it instantly makes a huge explosion. After the smoke clears, we see the Stooges each through three human-shaped holes in the wall, in tattered clothing dazedly shaking their heads as an endless amount of gold and papers fall into the room. ]
THE END
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