Lobby Cards: The Classic Comedies (The Michael Hawks Collection: Volume II)
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Transcribed By: Xraffle
Date Added: 2008-07-21
[The short fades in and we see a sign that reads, “Panther Brewing Co. Home of Panther Pilsner – Beer.” Then the camera fades to the outside of Panther’s office. His door reads, “A. Panther President.” Jones walks up to the door, opens it and walks up to Panther who is on his desk writing something down.]
PANTHER: Um. Ahem! Say Jones! Did you issue a notice to our employees announcing our annual golf tournament?
JONES: Yes sir! And all the men seem very enthused about it.
PANTHER: Aw! That’s fine. There’s nothing like golf to keep a man physically fit. [taps stomach with both hands]
[Panther looks at Jones’ stomach]
JONES: Yes sir. [Sees Panther looking at his stomach. He looks at his own stomach and realizes it’s sticking out. He quickly sucks his stomach in.]
[Panther clears his throat]
[The phone rings and Panther picks it up.]
PANTHER: [clears throat] Panther speaking. What? Oh I’m so sorry. I’ll take care of it immediately. [hangs up phone]
PANTHER: I’m sick and tired of having complaints from our customers about late deliveries. My own golf club just called me about an order only placed three days ago. Why can’t we make deliveries?
JONES: We’ve been having trouble in the delivery department. But I just hired three new men and everything’s gonna be alright now…I hope
PANTHER: Well it better be. Where are these new men? I’d like to see them.
JONES: Right out there, sir. [points off-camera]
[The camera cuts to outside where the stooges are loading their truck with barrels of beer. Curly is on top of the barrels of beer on the back of the truck. Moe and Larry are trying to load the truck with the barrels. Larry is holding on to one end of a rope and at the other end of the rope is a big metal tong which attaches to a barrel. Moe attaches the metal tong tool to one barrel]
MOE: Ease up! Come on, take it away. Take it away.
[Larry pulls the barrel upwards]
[Curly grabs the barrel off the tong and yells in fear that he might drop it]
MOE: Hey! Take it easy.
CURLY: Woo woo. Don’t worry, I got it.
MOE: Yeah
CURLY: Yeah. What’ll I do with it?
MOE: Hold onto it. That’ll be the first one we deliver.
[Curly shakes the tong off the barrel, where it falls on Moe’s head]
MOE: Ohhh!
LARRY: How’s that?
MOE: Fine.
[Moe hits Larry in the face and Larry’s head remains tilted to the right]
LARRY: Oh, my neck!
[Moe hits Larry on the right side of his face and Larry’s head comes up to its proper straight position]
MOE: How’s it feel now?
LARRY: Alright.
MOE: That’s good. [slaps Larry with both hands] Come on, what’s the matter with you? Nuts?
MOE: [Attaches the tong to another barrel] Take it away.
[A man in a suit walks by and hands Larry a letter]
MOE: Take it away!
LARRY: Hey! What’s this? [shows Moe the letter]
MOE: [grabs the letter and reads it] What do you know about that?
LARRY: What?
MOE: A hundred bucks!
LARRY: A hundred bucks!
CURLY: A hundred bucks!! Count me in! [Drops the barrel in his hand, where we hear it break, and he climbs down from the pile of barrels]
MOE: Second prize, $50. Third prize, $25. Fourth prize, a keg of beer.
[Curly walks in on-camera]
CURLY: What is it? What do we have to do?
MOE: Shoot golf!
CURLY: Ohhhh! Hunting!
[Moe tries to poke Curly in the eyes with his two fingers, but the rope attached to the tong is in the way and it catches his finger]
CURLY: Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk
[Moe slaps Curly]
MOE: Get out!
[Larry starts pulling the barrel of beer up]
MOE: I’ll show you all about this golf stuff, see. [grabs a broom] You grab yourself a long stick with a gimmick on the end of it. Like that, not as big as that. You walk up to the batting place, see? And then you take a mighty swing.
[Moe tries to swing the broom, but he hits Larry in the head who lets go of the rope that’s attached to the barrel of beer]
LARRY: Ohh!
PANTHER: Come on---- [The barrel falls on his head, with beer spilling all over him]
MOE, LARRY, AND CURLY: Oh!!
[Jones helps get the barrel off of Panther’s head]
PANTHER: [Looks at the spilt beer all over him] Uhh!! Ohh! Get outta here and get going, you!
JONES: New men!!
[The stooges quickly get into the truck and drive away. The camera cuts to outside where the entrance is. The stooges drive away. Curly, who is on the top of all the barrels that’s on the truck, knocks off the “Panther Brewing Co.” sign.]
[The scene ends and a new scene begin. The camera is showing a sign that says, “Rancho Golf Club.” The camera cuts to outside right in the middle of a golfing place where we see people golfing.]
[The stooges drive by and stop. They exit the truck]
MOE: Alright get 2 barrels off--- [looks around]
MOE: What do you know? We’re right in the middle of one.
LARRY: The middle of what?
MOE: A golf place!
CURLY: [Looking up] I don’t see any golfs.
[Moe hits Curly’s head]
CURLY: Oh! Look at the golfs! [points up]
[Moe and Larry look up as well]
MOE: Now’s our chance to sneak in an hours practice. And it’s a cinch to win that hundred bucks. Come on.
CURLY: Wait a minute! [grabs Moe] How we’re gonna shoot golfs without guns?
MOE: Come on, Buffalo Bill!! [takes his pinky, sticks it under Curly’s nose, and pulls him]
CURLY: Yaaaahhhh!! Oh! Oh! Hoh!
[The stooges walk off camera]
[The camera cuts to inside the room where the golf club members are in]
[The stooges enter the room and look surprised]
[The stooges walk past the desk clerk who stops them]
DESK CLERK: Pardon me gentlemen!
[The stooges look behind them]
MOE: You mean us?
DESK CLERK: Yes. Are you members of the press?
MOE: Well, ah--- [Curly steps forward]
CURLY: I used to be. But I didn’t do any pressing. I went through the pockets. Sort of a dry cleaning. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk Ny---
[Moe slaps Curly’s head]
CURLY: Ohh!!!
DESK CLERK: Why, you gentlemen, misunderstand. Why, this tournament is just for ladies and gentlemen of the press.
MOE: Well I---- [A stranger pushes Moe out of the way.]
PRESS MEMBER #1: Press
DESK CLERK: Yes sir
PRESS MEMBER #2: Press
DESK CLERK: Ok sir.
PRESS MEMBER #3: Press
DESK CLERK: Yes sir.
PRESS MEMBER #4: Press.
DESK CLERK: Yes sir.
[The relief desk clerk walks up to the desk clerk]
RELIEF DESK CLERK: I’ll take care of things now. You go and see that the banquet table is set.
DESK CLERK: Yes sir.
RELIEF DESK CLERK: Right.
[The desk clerk leaves]
[The stooges walk out of the gentlemen’s lounge. Curly hums while he walks and closes the door behind him. They walk up to the relief desk clerk to show their fake “press” badges.]
MOE: Press
LARRY: Press
CURLY: Pull
RELIEF DESK CLERK: Hey you ah---
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo [as the stooges run towards the locker room]
[The stooges run into the locker room]
CURLY: Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk
MOE: Boy! That was quick thinking.
LARRY: Yes
[A rude guy, who is with a partner, pushes Larry out of the way]
RUDE GUY: Pardon me!
LARRY: [Looks at the two guys as they walk away] Hey! This looks like a kids game. They’re wearing short pants.
MOE: Why don’t you be quiet? That’s the kind of clothes they wear in this game. Come on!
[The camera cuts to the outside of the shower room where three guys walk out of the shower]
SHOWER GUY #1: I shot a perfect 78.
SHOWER GUY #2: Yeah, for the first hole. Haha.
SHOWER GUY #1: No really! It was a ripping game.
SHOWER GUY #2: I’ll bet it was.
SHOWER GUY #1: Lord Douglas, he made it in--- [looks inside his locker] Say! Where’s my golf pant?
SHOWER GUY #2: How should I know?
SHOWER GUY #1: I had them here when I---
SHOWER GUY #2: Where are my shoes?
SHOWER GUY #3: And mine too. And where are my socks?
SHOWER GUY #1: I can’t find a bloody thing here.
[The camera cuts to the entrance of the golf course. The stooges enter]
[Two strangers pass by the stooges]
STRANGER #1: I shot a birdie yesterday.
STRANGER #2: You did? That’s great.
MOE: Well Jasper! What did you shoot yesterday?
CURLY: I shot a 7 but they wouldn’t give me the money.
MOE: Hahaha! You did! That’s great. Hahaha! [Slaps Curly] Come on.
LARRY: You know I shot---
MOE: Yeah!! Go get a bag of bats, killa!! Come on!
[Larry grabs three bags of golf-clubs and hands them to Curly for him to carry. The stooges walk towards the golf course]
[The camera cuts to the middle of the golf course. There we see golfer #1 trying to make a golf shot. Three other golfers and a caddy are standing behind him in silence waiting for him to make the shot]
[The caddy repositions the bag of golf clubs he has on his shoulder. While repositioning them, it makes noise. Golfer #1 stops trying to make his shot and stares at the caddy]
CADDY: I’m very sorry sir.
[The stooges enter and drop their bag of golf clubs making a lot of noise]
LARRY: Yeah, well it’s a nice day out.
MOE: Hi ya boys! Nice day for golf, ain’t it?
GOLFER #1: Quiet please!
MOE: Oh you got secrets, eh!
[Golfer #1 tries to take his shot, but just as he hits the ball, Moe takes a bag of clubs and dumps the clubs on the ground. This distracts golfer #1 and his ball lands on the sand]
GOLFER #2: Sorry old man, you’re in a trap!
CURLY: Trap? What do they catch around here?
GOLFER #1: Pests!!
CURLY: Oh! They got them here too?
MOE: Go ahead, get started. [looks at Larry]
LARRY: Alright.
[Larry positions his golf ball right by the golfers. Just as Larry is about to hit the ball, golfer #3 taps Larry]
GOLFER #3: Say!! You know you’re supposed to follow us?
CURLY: We don’t follow nobody.
MOE: I should say not. Come on fellas! That open ground out here. Let’s go this way. [points at the other direction]
LARRY: Think you own the place? [positions his golf ball behind golfer #3]
[Larry and golfer #3 try to take a shot at their own golf ball, not realizing that they’re right next to each other. When Larry swings his golf club, he hits golfer #3 in the rear. The three golfers and caddy leave]
LARRY: Those guys are just beginners.
MOE: You’re telling me.
LARRY: Yeah. Watch this fellas! [Positions his ball a little further, swings at it, and misses]
[They look out to see where the ball went]
CURLY: There it is! [points to the ground to show that Larry missed the ball]
MOE: Quiet!!
MOE: Go ahead, Porcupine!
[Larry swings his golf club at the ball and hits it]
[The camera cuts to three guys playing golf at the other end of the golf course. They see the golf ball coming towards them and they duck]
ANNOYED GUY: Hey you! Fore!!
CURLY: Five!
LARRY: Six!
MOE: Seven!
CURLY: [raises Moe’s hand] Sold to the man with the spittoon haircut.
MOE: Oh! Getting personal, eh! [Slaps Curly]
[Curly sets his golf club next to a Golf club cleaner]
[Curly strikes the golf ball, but his golf club gets caught on one of the legs supporting the golf club cleaner]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk. [Swings at the golf ball and misses.]
CURLY: Mmmm. [He looks out and sees a guy hit a golf ball.]
CURLY: Ah!!! Mmm. Mmm. Ah!! Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. [Hits the golf ball]
CURLY: Look I hit it.
[The ball hits the tree and bounces back and hits Moe’s forehead]
MOE: Ohh!!!
CURLY: What happened?
MOE: Nothing. [Strikes at Curly and misses. Instead, he knocks off the cotton ball that’s on top of Curly’s hat]
CURLY: Ahhh!!!
LARRY: Look!! [Runs towards Moe and point off-camera]
[The camera cuts to the cotton ball rolling into the hole]
LARRY: It fell in the hole!
MOE: Just my luck.
[Moe takes a strike at his golf ball]
[The camera guts to an older man playing golf and three women are behind him]
MOE: Hi ya, toots. [looks at women]
MOE: [Stops the older man] Pardon me before you bat that ball. Did you pick up my ball?
OLDER MAN: Most assuredly not!!
[Moe picks up the ball that the older man was using]
[A strange man comes up to Moe from off-camera]
STRANGE MAN: Now pardon me!! Did you pick up my ball?
MOE: I should say not!!
[Larry and Curly enter from off-camera]
MOE: Did you pick up the gentlemen’s ball. [looks at Larry]
LARRY: Why, no!!!
[Moe turns to Curly]
CURLY: Oh, I did not!!
MOE: You did not what??
CURLY: I still didn’t.
[Moe bonks Curly on the head]
[Curly runs in place, keeps on wooing, and a plethora of golf balls fall out of his pocket]
MOE: Pick out your ball, stranger!
STRANGE MAN: [Picks up a random ball] I think this is it!
OLDER MAN: Come on girls! Play golf!
MOE: Spread out! [Pushes Larry and Curly out of the way]
[The camera cuts to a guy who swings his golf club at a golf ball. The golf ball flies over to the stooges and hits all three of them on the head one by one.]
MOE: [looks at Larry] Oh a wise guy. A head clunker, eh!
LARRY: No, it came from back---
[Moe slaps Larry on the forehead]
MOE: Get out of here!
CURLY: He didn’t do it.
MOE: Then you did. [Slaps Curly on the face]
[Curly grabs Moe on his arm as a way of getting back at Moe]
CURLY: Mmmm!
MOE: [Slaps Curly on the head] Get out. Get out before I--- [Attempts to swing the golf club at Curly]
[Moe looks down and sees all the golf balls Curly dropped. He takes a swing with his golf club and misses. He grabs several golf clubs from the golf bag and takes several swings. All the balls go flying and land on a bunch of people on the golf course and they get knocked unconscious]
[The camera cuts to two women washing their golf clubs on the golf club cleaner]
[Curly enters from off-camera and sees the women washing their clubs]
CURLY: Oh! A washing machine. I didn’t know it was Monday.
[Curly grabs a pair of socks out of his pocket and starts washing and humming. The scene fades to a new scene where we see Curly in his underwear hanging up his washed clothes. He’s singing while he hangs them up. Moe enters from off-camera. Curly sees him and stops singing]
MOE: What are you doing? [grabs Curly’s washed socks off his hand]
CURLY: My washing!
MOE: Oh! Lady Godiva, eh!!
[Larry enters from off-camera]
LARRY: Hey!! All ye samey!! Washy shirty?
MOE: Hey!! [walks up to Larry] Any of your clothes in that line?
LARRY: No!!
MOE: Then stay out of it. [slaps Larry]
[Moe attempts to eye poke Larry but Curly holds Moe’s arm. Moe gets mad and pokes Curly in the eyes.]
CURLY: Oh!!
MOE: What do you want?
[Moe tries to poke Larry in the eyes and slap him, but Larry keeps holding his face. Finally, after several attempts, Moe finally is able to poke Larry in eyes.]
CURLY: Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk
[Moe turns to Curly. Curly holds his face. Moe hit’s Curly in the stomach and forehead.]
MOE: Why I! [Moe sticks out his fist, Curly hits it, and Moe bonks Curly on the head]
CURLY: Ahh!!!
[The scene ends and new scene begins where we see Curly crawling on the floor. As he crawls, he hits his head on a tree trunk. He stops, makes an annoying gesture and continues crawling.]
[The camera cuts to a golfer who hits a golf ball. Curly walks up to him]
CURLY: Pardon me. Did you see my ball?
ANNOYED GOLFER: Yeah, it’s up in the tree. [point up]
[Curly looks up where we see the ball stuck up in the tree. Curly strikes the tree with his golf club, but the club ends up stuck up in the tree as well. He tries to pull on the branches, but the ball doesn’t fall. He falls down. He gets up, looks off-camera and walks away.]
[The camera cuts to Larry who tries to make a golf shot. He sees two small roots sticking out. Determined to get the roots out of his way, he pulls one out. But, when he tries to remove the second root, it gets longer never ends, causing it to mess up that part of the golf course]
[The camera cuts to Moe who tries to take a swing at his golf ball. He misses and hits a hole on the ground. He pushes the ball aside with his foot, where he attempts to make another shot]
[The camera cuts to Curly who chops down the tree]
CURLY: Ahahaha.
[Gardener #1 sees Curly chopping the tree and runs up to him]
GARDENER #1: Whatsa matta wit you? Whatsa matta wit you choppin down the tree? You think you’re George A Wash?
[The scene cuts to Larry who is still trying to pull the root out of the ground. The ground is now all ruined. Gardener #1 runs up to him]
GARDENER #1: Say! Say! What’s a matter? What’s a! I tell a my boss! Hey! Look. He makes a some more of this.
[The camera cuts to Moe who is still trying to swing at his golf ball. This time we see the golf course full of holes on the ground. Gardener #2 enters from off-camera, sees what’s going on, and runs up to Moe.]
GARDENER #2: Hey! Whatsa matter? What are doin’? What are you choppa choppa choppa! What are you doin’? You got a shovel here!
MOE: Aw! Now quiet now will ya. I’m getting better. See, the pieces are getting smaller.
GARDENER #2: I’ll call the police. He’s a crazy!! Oh! [Gardener #2 runs off-camera]
MOE: So’s your old man!! [Moe takes a few more shots and still makes more holes on the ground. He throws his golf club down in anger, throws the golf ball, and walks towards the direction he threw the ball at]
[The camera cuts to the two gardeners who are complaining to three policemen]
GARDENER #1: It’s a pick and a shovel And it’s a no golf!
GARDENER #2: Yeah. They use a the ax and they choppa the tree.
GARDENER #2: That’s a them over there! [points to the stooges]
CURLY: He’s pointing where you are.
MOE: You mean, he’s pointing where I was. Come on! Let’s go!
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo!
GARDENER #1: That’s a them over there!
POLICEMAN: I see ‘em. Come on!
[The stooges run to the truck and drive away. Curly is sitting on the back of the truck next to the barrels of beer. In the middle of the street, the stooges run over a rock and a barrel on top falls over.]
CURLY: Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk. [Barrel falls on his head] Oh. [Barrel rolls down the street] Wait! We lost a barrel.
[The camera cuts to the street where we see the barrel rolling]
[The camera cuts to the stooges who are already out of the truck. The truck is stopped right in the middle of a hill]
MOE: What’s the matter?
CURLY: There goes one! [points off camera and another barrel falls down from the truck]
MOE: How do you like that? Come on!
MOE: Stop that barrel. Come on. Hurry up.
[The stooges chase after the two barrels]
[The camera cuts to a police officer who is guiding traffic. He gets hit by the barrel and falls. The stooges run up to the police officer]
MOE: Whoa!
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo
[Moe and Curly say this simultaneously]
[The stooges run away from the police officer]
[The stooges reach the top of a hill where the barrels stop]
MOE: I’ll get this one. I---
[The barrels start rolling the opposite direction towards the stooges. Now, the stooges try to run away from the barrels]
[The camera now cuts to the truck, where we see the emergency break slip by itself. Now, the truck moves backwards, hits the edge of the sidewalk and all the barrels on the truck fall down and roll down the street]
[The stooges run towards the truck, they see all the barrels rolling towards them, and they quickly turn around and run away as they yell.]
MOE: Come on! Hurry up!
[The camera cuts to the police officer again. He now sees that all the barrels coming towards him and he runs away towards the sidewalks.]
[The camera cuts to Curly, who runs behind a pole to avoid being hit by the barrels. A barrel hits a rock and goes up in the air.]
CURLY: Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk. [Barrel hits his head] Oh. Hmm. Hmm. Whoa. Wooo! [Wipes his face harshly with both hands]
[More barrels are coming towards Curly]
CURLY: Whoaa!!
[The camera cuts to Moe who is running away from a barrel. The barrel reaches near him and he jumps, and ends up running on top of the barrel as it rolls.]
MOE: Whoa!
[The camera cuts to Larry who stops when he sees a tree. He climbs up.]
[The camera cuts to Moe who is still running on top of the barrel. It starts slowing down]
MOE: Easy now! Easy! [Another barrel hits the barrel he’s standing on and Moe falls] Oww!!
[The camera cuts to Larry who is still on top of the tree. A barrel rolls by him. He sticks his tongue out at it. Then another barrel hits some sacks on the ground, goes up in the air, and knocks Larry off of the tree. Larry lands on the ground that has wet cement. Larry struggles to break free, but can’t. The cement layer sees this and throws down his cement tool in anger.]
CEMENT LAYER: Well, would you get outta there?
LARRY: Yeah, help me get out would ya?
[The camera cuts to the street where we see a police officer blow his whistle. The barrels are all over the street.]
[The camera cuts back to Larry, who is still stuck in the cement. Moe and Larry run up to him.]
LARRY: Get me outta here!
MOE: Nothing doing.
CURLY: You think we’re going in there!
[Two barrels hit some sacks, they go up in the air and they hit Moe and Larry.]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk. Ohh!!
MOE: Whoa!
[Moe and Curly fall into the cement]
MOE: Boy! If I could get my hand out this, I’d crack your head open.
CURLY: Can’t get it out?
MOE: No.
CURLY: Sure?
MOE: Positive.
CURLY: Ehhhhhhh!! [sticks his tongue out]
[Moe slaps Curly in the face with his hand full of cement]
CURLY: Ohh!! Woo woo woo woo woo!! [The scene fades out]
---THE END---
PANTHER: Um. Ahem! Say Jones! Did you issue a notice to our employees announcing our annual golf tournament?
JONES: Yes sir! And all the men seem very enthused about it.
PANTHER: Aw! That’s fine. There’s nothing like golf to keep a man physically fit. [taps stomach with both hands]
[Panther looks at Jones’ stomach]
JONES: Yes sir. [Sees Panther looking at his stomach. He looks at his own stomach and realizes it’s sticking out. He quickly sucks his stomach in.]
[Panther clears his throat]
[The phone rings and Panther picks it up.]
PANTHER: [clears throat] Panther speaking. What? Oh I’m so sorry. I’ll take care of it immediately. [hangs up phone]
PANTHER: I’m sick and tired of having complaints from our customers about late deliveries. My own golf club just called me about an order only placed three days ago. Why can’t we make deliveries?
JONES: We’ve been having trouble in the delivery department. But I just hired three new men and everything’s gonna be alright now…I hope
PANTHER: Well it better be. Where are these new men? I’d like to see them.
JONES: Right out there, sir. [points off-camera]
[The camera cuts to outside where the stooges are loading their truck with barrels of beer. Curly is on top of the barrels of beer on the back of the truck. Moe and Larry are trying to load the truck with the barrels. Larry is holding on to one end of a rope and at the other end of the rope is a big metal tong which attaches to a barrel. Moe attaches the metal tong tool to one barrel]
MOE: Ease up! Come on, take it away. Take it away.
[Larry pulls the barrel upwards]
[Curly grabs the barrel off the tong and yells in fear that he might drop it]
MOE: Hey! Take it easy.
CURLY: Woo woo. Don’t worry, I got it.
MOE: Yeah
CURLY: Yeah. What’ll I do with it?
MOE: Hold onto it. That’ll be the first one we deliver.
[Curly shakes the tong off the barrel, where it falls on Moe’s head]
MOE: Ohhh!
LARRY: How’s that?
MOE: Fine.
[Moe hits Larry in the face and Larry’s head remains tilted to the right]
LARRY: Oh, my neck!
[Moe hits Larry on the right side of his face and Larry’s head comes up to its proper straight position]
MOE: How’s it feel now?
LARRY: Alright.
MOE: That’s good. [slaps Larry with both hands] Come on, what’s the matter with you? Nuts?
MOE: [Attaches the tong to another barrel] Take it away.
[A man in a suit walks by and hands Larry a letter]
MOE: Take it away!
LARRY: Hey! What’s this? [shows Moe the letter]
MOE: [grabs the letter and reads it] What do you know about that?
LARRY: What?
MOE: A hundred bucks!
LARRY: A hundred bucks!
CURLY: A hundred bucks!! Count me in! [Drops the barrel in his hand, where we hear it break, and he climbs down from the pile of barrels]
MOE: Second prize, $50. Third prize, $25. Fourth prize, a keg of beer.
[Curly walks in on-camera]
CURLY: What is it? What do we have to do?
MOE: Shoot golf!
CURLY: Ohhhh! Hunting!
[Moe tries to poke Curly in the eyes with his two fingers, but the rope attached to the tong is in the way and it catches his finger]
CURLY: Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk
[Moe slaps Curly]
MOE: Get out!
[Larry starts pulling the barrel of beer up]
MOE: I’ll show you all about this golf stuff, see. [grabs a broom] You grab yourself a long stick with a gimmick on the end of it. Like that, not as big as that. You walk up to the batting place, see? And then you take a mighty swing.
[Moe tries to swing the broom, but he hits Larry in the head who lets go of the rope that’s attached to the barrel of beer]
LARRY: Ohh!
PANTHER: Come on---- [The barrel falls on his head, with beer spilling all over him]
MOE, LARRY, AND CURLY: Oh!!
[Jones helps get the barrel off of Panther’s head]
PANTHER: [Looks at the spilt beer all over him] Uhh!! Ohh! Get outta here and get going, you!
JONES: New men!!
[The stooges quickly get into the truck and drive away. The camera cuts to outside where the entrance is. The stooges drive away. Curly, who is on the top of all the barrels that’s on the truck, knocks off the “Panther Brewing Co.” sign.]
[The scene ends and a new scene begin. The camera is showing a sign that says, “Rancho Golf Club.” The camera cuts to outside right in the middle of a golfing place where we see people golfing.]
[The stooges drive by and stop. They exit the truck]
MOE: Alright get 2 barrels off--- [looks around]
MOE: What do you know? We’re right in the middle of one.
LARRY: The middle of what?
MOE: A golf place!
CURLY: [Looking up] I don’t see any golfs.
[Moe hits Curly’s head]
CURLY: Oh! Look at the golfs! [points up]
[Moe and Larry look up as well]
MOE: Now’s our chance to sneak in an hours practice. And it’s a cinch to win that hundred bucks. Come on.
CURLY: Wait a minute! [grabs Moe] How we’re gonna shoot golfs without guns?
MOE: Come on, Buffalo Bill!! [takes his pinky, sticks it under Curly’s nose, and pulls him]
CURLY: Yaaaahhhh!! Oh! Oh! Hoh!
[The stooges walk off camera]
[The camera cuts to inside the room where the golf club members are in]
[The stooges enter the room and look surprised]
[The stooges walk past the desk clerk who stops them]
DESK CLERK: Pardon me gentlemen!
[The stooges look behind them]
MOE: You mean us?
DESK CLERK: Yes. Are you members of the press?
MOE: Well, ah--- [Curly steps forward]
CURLY: I used to be. But I didn’t do any pressing. I went through the pockets. Sort of a dry cleaning. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk Ny---
[Moe slaps Curly’s head]
CURLY: Ohh!!!
DESK CLERK: Why, you gentlemen, misunderstand. Why, this tournament is just for ladies and gentlemen of the press.
MOE: Well I---- [A stranger pushes Moe out of the way.]
PRESS MEMBER #1: Press
DESK CLERK: Yes sir
PRESS MEMBER #2: Press
DESK CLERK: Ok sir.
PRESS MEMBER #3: Press
DESK CLERK: Yes sir.
PRESS MEMBER #4: Press.
DESK CLERK: Yes sir.
[The relief desk clerk walks up to the desk clerk]
RELIEF DESK CLERK: I’ll take care of things now. You go and see that the banquet table is set.
DESK CLERK: Yes sir.
RELIEF DESK CLERK: Right.
[The desk clerk leaves]
[The stooges walk out of the gentlemen’s lounge. Curly hums while he walks and closes the door behind him. They walk up to the relief desk clerk to show their fake “press” badges.]
MOE: Press
LARRY: Press
CURLY: Pull
RELIEF DESK CLERK: Hey you ah---
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo [as the stooges run towards the locker room]
[The stooges run into the locker room]
CURLY: Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk
MOE: Boy! That was quick thinking.
LARRY: Yes
[A rude guy, who is with a partner, pushes Larry out of the way]
RUDE GUY: Pardon me!
LARRY: [Looks at the two guys as they walk away] Hey! This looks like a kids game. They’re wearing short pants.
MOE: Why don’t you be quiet? That’s the kind of clothes they wear in this game. Come on!
[The camera cuts to the outside of the shower room where three guys walk out of the shower]
SHOWER GUY #1: I shot a perfect 78.
SHOWER GUY #2: Yeah, for the first hole. Haha.
SHOWER GUY #1: No really! It was a ripping game.
SHOWER GUY #2: I’ll bet it was.
SHOWER GUY #1: Lord Douglas, he made it in--- [looks inside his locker] Say! Where’s my golf pant?
SHOWER GUY #2: How should I know?
SHOWER GUY #1: I had them here when I---
SHOWER GUY #2: Where are my shoes?
SHOWER GUY #3: And mine too. And where are my socks?
SHOWER GUY #1: I can’t find a bloody thing here.
[The camera cuts to the entrance of the golf course. The stooges enter]
[Two strangers pass by the stooges]
STRANGER #1: I shot a birdie yesterday.
STRANGER #2: You did? That’s great.
MOE: Well Jasper! What did you shoot yesterday?
CURLY: I shot a 7 but they wouldn’t give me the money.
MOE: Hahaha! You did! That’s great. Hahaha! [Slaps Curly] Come on.
LARRY: You know I shot---
MOE: Yeah!! Go get a bag of bats, killa!! Come on!
[Larry grabs three bags of golf-clubs and hands them to Curly for him to carry. The stooges walk towards the golf course]
[The camera cuts to the middle of the golf course. There we see golfer #1 trying to make a golf shot. Three other golfers and a caddy are standing behind him in silence waiting for him to make the shot]
[The caddy repositions the bag of golf clubs he has on his shoulder. While repositioning them, it makes noise. Golfer #1 stops trying to make his shot and stares at the caddy]
CADDY: I’m very sorry sir.
[The stooges enter and drop their bag of golf clubs making a lot of noise]
LARRY: Yeah, well it’s a nice day out.
MOE: Hi ya boys! Nice day for golf, ain’t it?
GOLFER #1: Quiet please!
MOE: Oh you got secrets, eh!
[Golfer #1 tries to take his shot, but just as he hits the ball, Moe takes a bag of clubs and dumps the clubs on the ground. This distracts golfer #1 and his ball lands on the sand]
GOLFER #2: Sorry old man, you’re in a trap!
CURLY: Trap? What do they catch around here?
GOLFER #1: Pests!!
CURLY: Oh! They got them here too?
MOE: Go ahead, get started. [looks at Larry]
LARRY: Alright.
[Larry positions his golf ball right by the golfers. Just as Larry is about to hit the ball, golfer #3 taps Larry]
GOLFER #3: Say!! You know you’re supposed to follow us?
CURLY: We don’t follow nobody.
MOE: I should say not. Come on fellas! That open ground out here. Let’s go this way. [points at the other direction]
LARRY: Think you own the place? [positions his golf ball behind golfer #3]
[Larry and golfer #3 try to take a shot at their own golf ball, not realizing that they’re right next to each other. When Larry swings his golf club, he hits golfer #3 in the rear. The three golfers and caddy leave]
LARRY: Those guys are just beginners.
MOE: You’re telling me.
LARRY: Yeah. Watch this fellas! [Positions his ball a little further, swings at it, and misses]
[They look out to see where the ball went]
CURLY: There it is! [points to the ground to show that Larry missed the ball]
MOE: Quiet!!
MOE: Go ahead, Porcupine!
[Larry swings his golf club at the ball and hits it]
[The camera cuts to three guys playing golf at the other end of the golf course. They see the golf ball coming towards them and they duck]
ANNOYED GUY: Hey you! Fore!!
CURLY: Five!
LARRY: Six!
MOE: Seven!
CURLY: [raises Moe’s hand] Sold to the man with the spittoon haircut.
MOE: Oh! Getting personal, eh! [Slaps Curly]
[Curly sets his golf club next to a Golf club cleaner]
[Curly strikes the golf ball, but his golf club gets caught on one of the legs supporting the golf club cleaner]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk. [Swings at the golf ball and misses.]
CURLY: Mmmm. [He looks out and sees a guy hit a golf ball.]
CURLY: Ah!!! Mmm. Mmm. Ah!! Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. [Hits the golf ball]
CURLY: Look I hit it.
[The ball hits the tree and bounces back and hits Moe’s forehead]
MOE: Ohh!!!
CURLY: What happened?
MOE: Nothing. [Strikes at Curly and misses. Instead, he knocks off the cotton ball that’s on top of Curly’s hat]
CURLY: Ahhh!!!
LARRY: Look!! [Runs towards Moe and point off-camera]
[The camera cuts to the cotton ball rolling into the hole]
LARRY: It fell in the hole!
MOE: Just my luck.
[Moe takes a strike at his golf ball]
[The camera guts to an older man playing golf and three women are behind him]
MOE: Hi ya, toots. [looks at women]
MOE: [Stops the older man] Pardon me before you bat that ball. Did you pick up my ball?
OLDER MAN: Most assuredly not!!
[Moe picks up the ball that the older man was using]
[A strange man comes up to Moe from off-camera]
STRANGE MAN: Now pardon me!! Did you pick up my ball?
MOE: I should say not!!
[Larry and Curly enter from off-camera]
MOE: Did you pick up the gentlemen’s ball. [looks at Larry]
LARRY: Why, no!!!
[Moe turns to Curly]
CURLY: Oh, I did not!!
MOE: You did not what??
CURLY: I still didn’t.
[Moe bonks Curly on the head]
[Curly runs in place, keeps on wooing, and a plethora of golf balls fall out of his pocket]
MOE: Pick out your ball, stranger!
STRANGE MAN: [Picks up a random ball] I think this is it!
OLDER MAN: Come on girls! Play golf!
MOE: Spread out! [Pushes Larry and Curly out of the way]
[The camera cuts to a guy who swings his golf club at a golf ball. The golf ball flies over to the stooges and hits all three of them on the head one by one.]
MOE: [looks at Larry] Oh a wise guy. A head clunker, eh!
LARRY: No, it came from back---
[Moe slaps Larry on the forehead]
MOE: Get out of here!
CURLY: He didn’t do it.
MOE: Then you did. [Slaps Curly on the face]
[Curly grabs Moe on his arm as a way of getting back at Moe]
CURLY: Mmmm!
MOE: [Slaps Curly on the head] Get out. Get out before I--- [Attempts to swing the golf club at Curly]
[Moe looks down and sees all the golf balls Curly dropped. He takes a swing with his golf club and misses. He grabs several golf clubs from the golf bag and takes several swings. All the balls go flying and land on a bunch of people on the golf course and they get knocked unconscious]
[The camera cuts to two women washing their golf clubs on the golf club cleaner]
[Curly enters from off-camera and sees the women washing their clubs]
CURLY: Oh! A washing machine. I didn’t know it was Monday.
[Curly grabs a pair of socks out of his pocket and starts washing and humming. The scene fades to a new scene where we see Curly in his underwear hanging up his washed clothes. He’s singing while he hangs them up. Moe enters from off-camera. Curly sees him and stops singing]
MOE: What are you doing? [grabs Curly’s washed socks off his hand]
CURLY: My washing!
MOE: Oh! Lady Godiva, eh!!
[Larry enters from off-camera]
LARRY: Hey!! All ye samey!! Washy shirty?
MOE: Hey!! [walks up to Larry] Any of your clothes in that line?
LARRY: No!!
MOE: Then stay out of it. [slaps Larry]
[Moe attempts to eye poke Larry but Curly holds Moe’s arm. Moe gets mad and pokes Curly in the eyes.]
CURLY: Oh!!
MOE: What do you want?
[Moe tries to poke Larry in the eyes and slap him, but Larry keeps holding his face. Finally, after several attempts, Moe finally is able to poke Larry in eyes.]
CURLY: Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk
[Moe turns to Curly. Curly holds his face. Moe hit’s Curly in the stomach and forehead.]
MOE: Why I! [Moe sticks out his fist, Curly hits it, and Moe bonks Curly on the head]
CURLY: Ahh!!!
[The scene ends and new scene begins where we see Curly crawling on the floor. As he crawls, he hits his head on a tree trunk. He stops, makes an annoying gesture and continues crawling.]
[The camera cuts to a golfer who hits a golf ball. Curly walks up to him]
CURLY: Pardon me. Did you see my ball?
ANNOYED GOLFER: Yeah, it’s up in the tree. [point up]
[Curly looks up where we see the ball stuck up in the tree. Curly strikes the tree with his golf club, but the club ends up stuck up in the tree as well. He tries to pull on the branches, but the ball doesn’t fall. He falls down. He gets up, looks off-camera and walks away.]
[The camera cuts to Larry who tries to make a golf shot. He sees two small roots sticking out. Determined to get the roots out of his way, he pulls one out. But, when he tries to remove the second root, it gets longer never ends, causing it to mess up that part of the golf course]
[The camera cuts to Moe who tries to take a swing at his golf ball. He misses and hits a hole on the ground. He pushes the ball aside with his foot, where he attempts to make another shot]
[The camera cuts to Curly who chops down the tree]
CURLY: Ahahaha.
[Gardener #1 sees Curly chopping the tree and runs up to him]
GARDENER #1: Whatsa matta wit you? Whatsa matta wit you choppin down the tree? You think you’re George A Wash?
[The scene cuts to Larry who is still trying to pull the root out of the ground. The ground is now all ruined. Gardener #1 runs up to him]
GARDENER #1: Say! Say! What’s a matter? What’s a! I tell a my boss! Hey! Look. He makes a some more of this.
[The camera cuts to Moe who is still trying to swing at his golf ball. This time we see the golf course full of holes on the ground. Gardener #2 enters from off-camera, sees what’s going on, and runs up to Moe.]
GARDENER #2: Hey! Whatsa matter? What are doin’? What are you choppa choppa choppa! What are you doin’? You got a shovel here!
MOE: Aw! Now quiet now will ya. I’m getting better. See, the pieces are getting smaller.
GARDENER #2: I’ll call the police. He’s a crazy!! Oh! [Gardener #2 runs off-camera]
MOE: So’s your old man!! [Moe takes a few more shots and still makes more holes on the ground. He throws his golf club down in anger, throws the golf ball, and walks towards the direction he threw the ball at]
[The camera cuts to the two gardeners who are complaining to three policemen]
GARDENER #1: It’s a pick and a shovel And it’s a no golf!
GARDENER #2: Yeah. They use a the ax and they choppa the tree.
GARDENER #2: That’s a them over there! [points to the stooges]
CURLY: He’s pointing where you are.
MOE: You mean, he’s pointing where I was. Come on! Let’s go!
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo!
GARDENER #1: That’s a them over there!
POLICEMAN: I see ‘em. Come on!
[The stooges run to the truck and drive away. Curly is sitting on the back of the truck next to the barrels of beer. In the middle of the street, the stooges run over a rock and a barrel on top falls over.]
CURLY: Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk. [Barrel falls on his head] Oh. [Barrel rolls down the street] Wait! We lost a barrel.
[The camera cuts to the street where we see the barrel rolling]
[The camera cuts to the stooges who are already out of the truck. The truck is stopped right in the middle of a hill]
MOE: What’s the matter?
CURLY: There goes one! [points off camera and another barrel falls down from the truck]
MOE: How do you like that? Come on!
MOE: Stop that barrel. Come on. Hurry up.
[The stooges chase after the two barrels]
[The camera cuts to a police officer who is guiding traffic. He gets hit by the barrel and falls. The stooges run up to the police officer]
MOE: Whoa!
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo
[Moe and Curly say this simultaneously]
[The stooges run away from the police officer]
[The stooges reach the top of a hill where the barrels stop]
MOE: I’ll get this one. I---
[The barrels start rolling the opposite direction towards the stooges. Now, the stooges try to run away from the barrels]
[The camera now cuts to the truck, where we see the emergency break slip by itself. Now, the truck moves backwards, hits the edge of the sidewalk and all the barrels on the truck fall down and roll down the street]
[The stooges run towards the truck, they see all the barrels rolling towards them, and they quickly turn around and run away as they yell.]
MOE: Come on! Hurry up!
[The camera cuts to the police officer again. He now sees that all the barrels coming towards him and he runs away towards the sidewalks.]
[The camera cuts to Curly, who runs behind a pole to avoid being hit by the barrels. A barrel hits a rock and goes up in the air.]
CURLY: Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk. [Barrel hits his head] Oh. Hmm. Hmm. Whoa. Wooo! [Wipes his face harshly with both hands]
[More barrels are coming towards Curly]
CURLY: Whoaa!!
[The camera cuts to Moe who is running away from a barrel. The barrel reaches near him and he jumps, and ends up running on top of the barrel as it rolls.]
MOE: Whoa!
[The camera cuts to Larry who stops when he sees a tree. He climbs up.]
[The camera cuts to Moe who is still running on top of the barrel. It starts slowing down]
MOE: Easy now! Easy! [Another barrel hits the barrel he’s standing on and Moe falls] Oww!!
[The camera cuts to Larry who is still on top of the tree. A barrel rolls by him. He sticks his tongue out at it. Then another barrel hits some sacks on the ground, goes up in the air, and knocks Larry off of the tree. Larry lands on the ground that has wet cement. Larry struggles to break free, but can’t. The cement layer sees this and throws down his cement tool in anger.]
CEMENT LAYER: Well, would you get outta there?
LARRY: Yeah, help me get out would ya?
[The camera cuts to the street where we see a police officer blow his whistle. The barrels are all over the street.]
[The camera cuts back to Larry, who is still stuck in the cement. Moe and Larry run up to him.]
LARRY: Get me outta here!
MOE: Nothing doing.
CURLY: You think we’re going in there!
[Two barrels hit some sacks, they go up in the air and they hit Moe and Larry.]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk. Ohh!!
MOE: Whoa!
[Moe and Curly fall into the cement]
MOE: Boy! If I could get my hand out this, I’d crack your head open.
CURLY: Can’t get it out?
MOE: No.
CURLY: Sure?
MOE: Positive.
CURLY: Ehhhhhhh!! [sticks his tongue out]
[Moe slaps Curly in the face with his hand full of cement]
CURLY: Ohh!! Woo woo woo woo woo!! [The scene fades out]
---THE END---
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