Lobby Cards: The Classic Comedies (The Michael Hawks Collection: Volume II)
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Transcribed By: xraffle
Date Added: 2008-07-22
[The short fades in and we see the outside of a bar. The stooges exit the bar looking annoyed. Moe tries to light his cigar]
LARRY: How do you like that? No beer! [taps Curly] You know, this is the 16th place we’ve been in.
MOE: Yeah, there ain’t a bottle of beer in town.
CURLY: Hey! I got an idea!
MOE: Shut up! I don’t want to hear it… What is it?
[The scene transitions to a new scene where we see Moe holding an instruction book that reads “How To Make Panther Pilsner Beer by J. Panther Pilsner”]
MOE: Well boys, we’re all set. We’ve got the directions. We’ve got the ingredients. Now, let me see. [Open instruction book] In order to make 10 gallons of beer, pour one can of hopes.
LARRY: Hops!
MOE: Hops! And a can of malt into a large crook.
LARRY: Crock!
MOE: Crock! Then fill crock with hot water.
CURLY: Hot water! Hotsy Totsy!! [Moe flings Curly’s face] Oooh!
MOE: Come on, quit clowning.
CURLY: Yes sir!
MOE: Get the hot water!
CURLY: I I sir! [salutes to Moe, but ends up hitting him]
MOE: Oh! Go on! [Curly leaves]
MOE: Alright! I’ll open the malt. You open the hoppies.
LARRY: Hops!
[The camera cuts to Curly who is by the sink filling up a large container with hot water. While he’s waiting for the container to fill up, he tries to cross his arms, but they slip. He tries again, but ends up hitting himself in the face.]
MOE: Boy! I’d like to taste it right now. [As he pours the malt into the large container]
LARRY: Hey! What do we do next?
MOE: Wait a minute and I’ll tell ya. [Opens instruction book]
[Curly comes in with the large container of hot water]
MOE: We did that! Here! Mix ingredients. Refer, page 27, I— [Curly pours the hot water onto the other container, but he ends up spilling the hot water all over Moe]
MOE: Ahhhhh! Oh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh! Why you!
CURLY: It was an accident Moe. Moe, it was an accident. The crock skidded.
MOE: So did your brain! [takes a punch at Curly, misses, and hits Larry]
LARRY: Oh! [gets pushed back and hits his head against the wall.]
CURLY: Take it easy, Moe! I’m a citizen.
[Moe grabs a mop]
MOE: Here. Take this mop and clean up that mess. That’s an order. Present arms, hup! [Curly holds the mop in front of him] Right shoulder arms! [Curly places the mop over his soulder] About face! [Curly turns around and the mop hits Moe on the face] Hup---- Oh!!!
CURLY: What’s the matter?
MOE: Nothing. [Grabs Curly’s nose and hits it]
CURLY: Oh!
MOE: Why you? [Tries to eye poke Curly, but he blocks it with the mop]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk. [Moe eye pokes Curly with his left and right index fingers] Oh!!
MOE: Now go on! [Leaves the room]
[Curly sings while he mops. The mops hits Larry in the stomach when he approaches Curly while mopping]
LARRY: Oh! [kicks Curly in the rear] Hey hey! What are you doing?
CURLY: Arf!! Ruff! Ruff!
[Larry pushes Curly in the face, Curly moves backwards and pulls the mop with him. Since Larry was standing on the mop the whole time, he falls down when Curly pulls the mop]
[The scene transitions to a new scene where we see the stooges mixing ingredients on the large containers they’re making the beer in]
MOE: Well. That’s that. Let’s see what happens next. [Reads instructions] Put in three cakes of yeast.
LARRY AND CURLY: Yeast.
[phone rings]
CURLY: I’ll answer it. [answers phone]
MOE: Alright Porcupine! Get the yeast!
CURLY: Hey Larry! It’s for you.
LARRY: Ok [Larry leaves the room to answer the phone]
MOE: Have to do things around here myself.
MOE: 1-2-3. [As he puts in the three cakes of yeast in the container]
[Moe eats the wrappers of the yeast]
MOE: Hmm. Hmm. Oh boy! [As he chews the wrappers]
[Larry approaches Moe]
LARRY: Hey Moe! That’s for you. [Looks at the instructions] Where were we? Oh yeah, three cakes of yeast. [Puts the three cakes of yeast in the container] I’ll have to do everything myself, I guess. [Thinks for a moment] Now, what can I do now? Oh, the bottles.
MOE: Scram!! [pushes Curly away]
CURLY: [approaches the containers, grabs the last three cakes of yeast, and adds them in the container without taking off the wrappers] 1-2-3. [crushes the bag and adds it to the container]
MOE: [hangs up phone and approaches Curly] What do we do know?
[Larry enters]
LARRY: Hey fellas! Come on help me with those bottles, so they’ll be done when the beer’s ready.
MOE: Good idea.
LARRY: Come on!
[The scene transitions to a new scene where we see the container bubbling up and overflowing]
[Curly walks in with Moe and Larry behind him]
CURLY: Hey! The soup is boiling over.
[They run up to the container]
MOE: Quick! Bail her out. All the work!
[The stooges quickly grab pots and try transfer the beer to another container, but the other container fills up fast]
MOE: Get another tub! Faster. [Larry grabs another container from under the table]
CURLY: I got an idea.
MOE: Well hurry up with it.
[Curly grabs a sack]
CURLY: Let her go.
MOE: [just notices the sack] Why! You dummy! [hits Curly with the pot]
CURLY: Oh! That gives me another idea.
MOE: Well hurry up.
CURLY: Right. [goes off-camera]
LARRY: Here! Come on. [Opens up a case and tells Moe to put the beer in there]
MOE: Ok.
CURLY: [sings] Nyahhh. [brings a tub into the room] Here’s my brain child.
LARRY: At last you got a brain… child. [taps Curly on his head]
MOE: Come on, get it in., boys.
[They pour the beer into the tub]
MOE: Alright boys, get working here.
[The stooges finish pouring all the beer into the tub]
MOE: Success!
LARRY: Success!
[Moe and Larry shake hands]
CURLY: Oh boy! It’s done. Look at all the beer we got.
MOE: Oh boy! Say! You know. I don’t want to pour any cold water on this project. But it seems to me there must be something wrong.
LARRY: Oh you’re crazy! We followed directions. I put the yeast in myself.
MOE: You’re crazy, I put the yeast in.
CURLY: You’re both crazy! I put the yeast in.
MOE, LARRY, AND CURLY: We all put the yeast in.
LARRY: You imbecile, who told you to put the yeast. [slaps Curly in the head]
CURLY: Mmm. See that. [shows a fist.]
LARRY: Ah! [Larry slaps the fist and Curly bonks himself on the head]
CURLY: Oh
LARRY: Why I’ll pun--- [Curly pushes Larry with his stomach] Ooh!
[Larry gets pushed back and lands in the tub of beer. Curly and Moe help him out]
MOE: What’s the matter with this guy?
[The scene ends and a new scene begins where we see Curly hammering on the cap of the last bottle of beer]
CURLY: That’s it. The last one. A hundred eighty five bottles of beer.
MOE: We ain’t gonna run short beer. Look at all those bottles of beer.
LARRY: Boy oh boy!
MOE: Beer to swim in. Beer to bathe in. We could wash out clothes in beer.
LARRY: We got beer galore. Boys this is terrific.
[The camera cuts to the bottles of beer where we see that the beers are next to an open flame next to the stove]
LARRY: Say how about some Dutch lunch?
CURLY: Certainly. I’ll have some apple pie and whip cream.
LARRY: I’ll take ah… some burnt toast and a rotten egg.
MOE: Burnt toast and a rotten egg?
LARRY: Yeah, I got a tape worm and that’s good enough for him.
MOE: Put it down.
[The bottles of beer explode and it spills all over the place]
[The scene ends and a new scene begins where we see the stooges behind bars]
MOE: You got us into a fine mess this time.
LARRY: Yeah. You had to go and sell one little bottle of beer.
CURLY: How did I know he was a detective?
MOE: Oh! On charge of the black market price on top of it.
CURLY: Ah. Stop crying over spilt beer. [The camera pans away and we see Curly with a huge stomach] And the judge said we’ll be out of here on eight months of good behavior.
LARRY: Yeah! You know. It’s a good thing we drank our fill before they caught us.
CURLY: Yeah, and we’ll drink our fill again. [opens his coat to reveal that he has a barrel of beer underneath] Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk.
MOE: Oh boy! That’ll be wonderful
LARRY: Look out! Somebody’s coming. Hey! It’s the guard.
[The guard approaches and opens the jail cell]
MOE: Hi!
GUARD: Ok, this way, you guys. [sees Curly’s stomach] Hey, hey wait a minute. What’s the matter with you?
CURLY: Goiter!
GUARD: Goiter, huh! Gee! That’s too bad.
[The scene cuts to the camera room where we see the stooges and the guard enter]
GUARD: Ok inside, you guys. [looks at cameraman] Ok Al. [looks at the stooges] Get over there and line up.
CAMERAMA: More light here. Yeah. That’s better. [Moves the light closer to Curly]
[Tries to take a picture but realizes that he needs more light.]
CAMERAMAN: More light here. [Moves the light even closer to Curly] That’s better.
CURLY: Gee, it’s hot in here. I hope the beer don’t spoil.
MOE: Shut up.
[We hear the sound of the beer rumble. The stooges look at Curly’s stomach]
CURLY: Be still my heart. [taps his stomach gently]
[The stooges wipe their faces due to the hot light that’s on them. The sound of the beer rumbling occurs again]
CURLY: Hey Moe! This beer is boiling.
MOE: Shut up! We can’t do anything about it now.
CAMERAMAN: Alright. Get ready..set..go— [The beer under Curly’s jacket explodes and the beer ends up all over the cameraman and guard]
MOE: Nyah!!
GUARD: I’ll hang you for this.
[The scene ends]
[A new scene begins where we see the stooges inside a different prison cell]
LARRY: They can’t hang us! We’re innocent! We’re innocent, I tell you!
CURLY: You’re tellin’ me!
MOE: Well, they’re gonna hang us.
CURLY: [holding his neck] Oh, no! No!!
[Curly leans against a wall next to a mirror]
CURLY: I’m too young to die! I’m too young and too handsome!
[Curly looks at his face in the mirror]
CURLY: Nyaaah!! [pauses] Well, I’m too young!
[Moe looks at Curly with an angry smirk]
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
[Moe takes off Curly’s hat and hands it to him]
MOE: Hold that.
CURLY: Oh, thank you. I get the--
[Moe bonks Curly on the head]
CURLY: NNNGGHH!!
MOE: Listen, you - we got 24 hours to live. Think! Think! Think!!
[Curly begins panting heavily and clicking his teeth together. Moe looks at Larry with a big smile. Curly then slams his head against the wall several times.]
MOE: Thataboy! Think it up! Think it up, kid!
[Curly stops]
CURLY: I got it!
MOE: What?
CURLY: [holding his forehead] A terrific headache!
[Curly turns his back on Moe and Larry, revealing a license plate and a stop light hanging over his behind. Moe is about to kick Curly’s behind, but stops himself when he notices the stop light.]
LARRY: Ah ha ha ha ha ha! He stopped--
MOE: [slaps Larry] Come onnnnn! [to Curly] Listen - we gotta get outta here! [puts his hand on his chin] If we only had a saw!
CURLY: Hey, what about these?
[Curly lifts up his shirt and reveals three saws hidden inside of his pants. Moe and Larry take out two of the saws.]
MOE: Swell!
LARRY: Where’d ya get these?!
CURLY: I save bottle tops! Ha ha!
MOE: [bending the saw] Is this a musical saw?
CURLY: Soitenly. It plays I Hear a Rip-sody!
[Moe releases one half of the bent saw, causing it to swing into Curly’s face]
CURLY: Ohh!! Ooh!!
MOE: That was a rhapsody in the kisser! Come on, get on those bars - quick!
[Moe and Larry go over to the barred window in their jail cell, as Curly swings his saw around like a sword. Then he walks over to Moe and Larry, who are sawing through the window bars. Their elbows repeatedly back into Curly’s chin.]
CURLY: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! WAIT A MINUTE!! WAIT A MINUTE!!
[Moe and Larry stop sawing]
CURLY: Let a guy that can saw, see… saw? Ha ha ha!
[Curly breathes heavily on his saw several times, then saws the bars on the window]
CURLY: [singing] Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam and the deer and the antelope are plaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyiii--
[Moe slaps Curly’s hat off]
CURLY: Hey! [slaps Moe] On your guard!
[Moe and Curly raises their saws in the air like swords, then clank their saws together several times as if they’re in a swordfight. As Curly bends forward, Moe scrapes the saw on the top of Curly’s head.]
CURLY: YAAAAAAH-AAAAAH-AAAAAH-OWWWW!!! Ohh… ohh… [looks at the saw] Oh, look!
[Moe looks at the saw, which is now broken due to Curly’s hard head]
[The scene ends and a new scene begins in a room where we see the prisoners hang out]
WARDEN: Hello boys!
PRISONER: How do ya do, warden.
WARDEN: [looks at another guy] How are ya Butch!
[the stooges enter with ice cream cones in their hands]
MOE: Boy, it’s great to be out!
LARRY: Yeah
MOE: Hi ya Blackie. [Trips over a guy’s leg] Oh!
[The ice cream cone gets pushed onto Moe’s nose]
BULLY: Ah! Hahahahahahahaha [Moe throws the ice cream at the bully’s face]
BULLY: What’s the idea?
MOE: Why don’t you get your big feet out of the way?
BULLY: Oh would you like a punch in the nose?
MOE: A punch in the nose? Why you couldn’t even punch him in the nose. [pulls Curly and positions him in front of the bully]
BULLY: Oh I couldn’t eh! Slap me hard. Put some steam in it so I can really get sore.
CURLY: Hmmmm. [Practices a few punches]
MOE: Don’t give him a chance to say boo. Slap it right to him. Bring it back right through your heels, boy, let him have it. Right between the eyes.
[The warden approaches and stands in front of the bully. Curly, not knowing that the warden has entered, gets ready to punch the bully, but instead knocks the warden out unconscious.]
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: You sap! It’s the warden. Speak to me warden. Say a few syllables. Utter a few adjectives. Get some water, ya dummy. [looks at Curly]
[Curly runs off-camera to get some water]
MOE: Come on warden. Look, it was only an accident. He’s coming out of it.
[Curly grabs a pail that says “Fire” on it. He thinks it’s water and he ends up splashing sand all over the warden]
MOE: That’s sand, not water! You dummy.
[the warden recovers]
WARDEN: [yells out] Guards!! Guards!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins where the stooges are standing in front of a large rock pile with sledge hammers making little rocks out of the big ones. Dressed in striped prison garb and supporting the following prison numbers: MOE: +4, CURLY: H2O and LARRY: 6-7/8]
[After Moe, Larry, and Curly have smashed three rocks, a prison guard walks by]
PRISON GUARD: All right, you guys keep working.
[After the officer has walked by one more time and Moe has noticed that the coast is clear, he taps Curly on the shoulder]
MOE: He’s gone!
[Then Curly, Larry, and Moe pick up their balls and chains and unhook the balls]
CURLY: [As Curly notices a guard approaching] Cheese it, cheese it!
[Then Moe and Curly rehook their balls to their chains]
[Two other prisoners in the background are walking by Moe, Curly, and Larry as The Stooges resume their rock crushing duties]
PRISON GUARD: [As he is walking up to them says] Hey, you, 6-7/8, bring that horse and wagon in here. You guys get ready to load those rocks into the wagon.
MOE: Okay!
[As the guard is leaving, Moe waves his hand at him and Curly barks at the guard]
MOE: [Moe has a concerned look on his face and Curly is wiping sweat off of his forehead with his shirt sleeve whispers] We gotta keep our eye open for 41144.
[Two other prisoners are walking by in the distance to complete some clean-up duties]
CURLY: Maybe it's the warden.
MOE: [In total madness] I'll warden you, get busy.
[Curly is saying ‘hmm,' as he is brushing a hornet from his face and is barking at it]
MOE: [With a mad look on his face and madness in his voice says] Hey Great Dane, what's the matter with you?
CURLY: [With a perplexed look on his face says] A hornet is trying to horn in on me.
MOE: [As he notices the hornet on Curly's forehead says] Wait a minute, hold still I see him.
[Moe then picks up his sledge hammer and goes to kill the hornet on Curly, but misses the hornet and hits Curly hard on the forehead sending Curly to the ground in total pain]
CURLY: [As they both have looks of happiness on their faces and Curly gives Moe a hand shake] Thanks Moe!
MOE: You're welcome!
[Moe then notices that the head on his sledge hammer was whacked out of shape. Curly then takes hold of the head of the hammer and turns it a couple of times looking at it]
MOE: You with that ironhead of yours, now I'm liable to have to pay for another hammer.
[Larry is now walking in the horse and wagon. The horse is also dressed in striped prison garb and is supporting the number 13. There are two other prisoners on the wagon]
[Moe and Curly are still working on the rock pile while Larry is walking in the horse]
VOICE: Whoa, whoa, whoa. [coming from one of the prisoners]
GUARD: [As Larry is bringing the horse and wagon to a hault] Come on, come on, get 'em in there.
[Moe goes and picks up a rock and then throws it by the wagon to load it. Then he picks up his ball and chain and goes to throw that also. This causes him to fall hard on his face. Then Curly not noticing Moe, accidentally hits Moe hard on his head with his sledge hammer]
MOE: [As he stands up and regains his balance and is mad at Curly, he makes a fist out of his right hand] You see this?
CURLY: Yeah!
[Moe then hits Curly on the head with his fist and hurts himself and yells in pain]
MOE: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow
LARRY: [As he is walking up to them and Moe is rubbing his sore hand and looking madly at Curly says] Hey, hey, hey, hey, the guard.
GUARD: All right, you three, come along with me, got some painting to do.
[Larry, Curly, and Moe pick up their balls and chains and toss them over their shoulders, Curly doesn't realize how close to Moe he is and hits Moe on the head with his ball knocking Moe to the ground on his backside]
[Larry then notices Moe and goes over to help him]
GUARD: [As the other prisoner is mixing up a couple of paint pails] You can go back to your work.
[The other prisoner then picks up his two paint pails and goes back to work]
[Moe, Larry, and Curly are approaching the guard and dropping their balls individually making chime bells sounds with them]
GUARD: You men take these buckets and paint cell block number six.
MOE: Okay!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins where we see the stooges getting ready to paint the hallways of the prison]
MOE: We gotta find 41144.
LARRY: [Whispering] Yeah, wonder where he hangs out!
CURLY: [Laughing] They generally hang out on the gallows.
[Moe then hits Curly in the stomach first, then bonks him on the forehead. Curly then to Moe, waves his hand, turns his head sideways and says, ‘hmm.' Moe then bonks Curly on the head sending Curly right into a wall where Curly cracks his head]
[Curly then takes his painting brush and a pail of paint and starts to paint a stripe on the wall]
[As Curly is painting his wall, he comes upon a guard who is making himself a summer sausage sandwich for lunch. The guard is looking in his lunch pail for some salt to put on it. Curly then removes the sausage from the bread, eats it and replaces it on the guards bread with some paint]
[The guard sitting in his chair not noticing what Curly just had done, puts some salt on one slice of bread of his Paint Sandwich and then tops it with the second slice of bread. He then sits back, crosses his legs, and takes a bite of his Paint Sandwich]
[The guard then has a look of horror on his face as he stands up and puts his napkin up to his mouth, and runs into the nearest cell to get rid of the bite of sandwich]
[The camera cuts to Curly who is painting a fire extinguisher from the wall not realizing that the hose is squirting]
[Moe then approaches Curly and gets squirted with the hose]
[Moe is now mad at Curly and kicks him in the rear]
CURLY: Oh! What's the idea? [Moe paints Curly’s face]
[Curly has now turned the fire extinguisher in the direction of Pomeroy, getting him wet.]
[Curly is now mad at Moe and barks at him and sticks his tongue out at him. Moe then paints Curly's tongue as Curly chokes from the paint taste]
[Pomeroy has now been thoroughly soaked with the fire extinguisher. Curly goes to take his left fist to hit Moe, where Moe paints it and then Curly hits Moe in the face with it]
MOE: [Really mad at him for hitting him in the kisser with his painted fist] Why you, I'll jam this right down---
[Moe is then interrupted by Pomeroy who walks into their cell and takes a hold of Moe and Curly and clunks their heads together, gives them a mean look and turns around to return to his cell, brushing off some of the water]
CURLY: [As he points his right thumb in the direction of Pomeroy's cell says] Hey, it's him, Pomeroy.
[Larry is now standing by Moe while Pomeroy returns to their cell]
POMEROY: How did you know my name?
LARRY: [With a look of happiness on his face whispers to him] Hey, we came to get you out.
POMEROY: [Moe has paint on his face and Pomeroy has a happy sounding voice] Yeah, that's great, when do we break out?
MOE: Here is the idea, we---. [As Moe, Larry, and Pomeroy huddle together to hear Moe's plan, Curly is looking in the opposite direction]
[Moe, Larry, and Pomeroy get up and look to see if there are any guards around, while Curly turns back around to join the huddle]
CURLY: Hey, wait a minute, let's all go together.
CURLY: Go! [Then the four of them go to huddle together and end up clunking heads together]
MOE: Get those brushes and paint, come on, start working.
[Then the four of them start to paint each others uniforms. Larry and Pomeroy are a team, while Moe and Curly are another team. They are painting one another's prison garb to look like guard uniforms. Moe is also painting Curly's face.]
[The scene transitions to Curly who is putting the finishing touches on Moe's uniform, while Larry is doing the same to Pomeroy's]
[Pomeroy is looking at Larry while Curly is looking at Moe]
CURLY: [Whispering] Boy, they sure look like guard uniforms now.
MOE: [Whispering] You said it, they'll never know the difference, come on, we'll paint our way out
[Moe, Larry, Curly and Pomeroy painted the front's of their uniforms but forgot to paint the backs of them]
[Moe, Larry, Pomeroy, and Curly all go up to the same wall and are painting their way out, not looking where they are going and all of them smack a guard with their painting brushes right in the face]
GUARD: [Just after Curly has painted his face says] Hey!
[Curly then backs-up to see what the guard wants]
CURLY: [With a look of determination on his face and mischief in his voice] Pardon me, there's a white spot!
[Then Curly gives the guard five big smacks on the face with his painting brush and barks at him]
[The guard then shakes his head. tries to wipe some paint off of his face with his hands]
[Curly then gives the guard three more smacks on his face with his painting brush]
[Moe, Larry, Curly and Pomeroy all run outside.]
MOE: Come on.
[The stooges walk into a cage. The guard shuts it and locks it]
GUARD: Hahahahaha.
WARDEN: Oh wise guys huh! Take ‘em to solitary!
[The scene transitions to a new scene where Curly is sitting down cutting up some strings. While Larry is putting rocks on Curly's head, Moe is smashing them with his sledge hammer]
MOE: Give me another one!
[Larry then puts another rock on Curly's head and Moe once again smashes it with his sledge hammer]
[Then Larry goes to put a third rock on Curly's head and he struggles a bit with it]
CURLY: Hey, wait a minute, that's a real on, I'm no fool!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins outside the prison where we see the stooges being set free 40 years later. The stooges are now old and have long beards]
WARDEN: Well boys! At last you’re free.
MOE: Thank you warden!
WARDEN: Oh! Don’t mention it. Hurry back. [Enters the prison]
LARRY: We’re out at last!
MOE: Forty years, I’ve waited for this day!
CURLY: Do you know what I’m gonna do?
MOE AND LARRY: What?
CURLY: I’m gonna get myself a tall, big beautiful bottle of beer.
MOE: Oh yeah!
CURLY: Yeah!
[Moe pokes Curly’s eyes]
CURLY: Oh!
[Larry hits Curly in the stomach]
CURLY: Oh
MOE: Get around here!
[Moe and Larry grab Curly and ram his head into the door of the prison. The warden runs up to the door]
WARDEN: Hey what’s going on here?
LARRY: Open up!
[The warden opens up the door]
MOE: We got a new customer for you, warden. Take him! [throws Curly to the warden]
[Moe grabs Larry’s arm and they walk away together]
MOE: Come on pal! I know where there’s a couple of beautiful blondes.
LARRY: Oh yeah! [The scene fades]
--THE END--
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