Lobby Cards: The Classic Comedies (The Michael Hawks Collection: Volume II)
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Transcribed By: xraffle
Date Added: 2008-07-23
[The short begins in front of a house where we see a crook trying to break open the door with a crowbar. The stooges drive by and their car backfires and stops. The crook thinks someone is shooting]
CROOK: [Drops the crowbar, raises his hands, and turns around] Don’t! Don’t shoot. I give up. I g--- [sees the stooges]
LARRY: Oh! I think we’re outta gas.
MOE: Joy riding again, eh? [flings Larry’s face]
SHEMP: Why don’t ya try to choke?
MOE: Thanks, I will. [Chokes shemp]
SHEMP: Aggghh
LARRY: Hey! Leave him alone. [Moe grabs Shemps head and bangs it on Larry’s face]
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: Hey! [points off-camera] There’s a guy in front of that house. We’ll ask to use his phone so we can call the garage. [Moe climbs out of the car and steps on Shemp and Larry] Pardon me.
LARRY AND SHEMP: Oh!
LARRY: Wait for us!
[The crook sees the stooges approaching and quickly reaches in his pocket to pretend that he lost his keys]
LARRY: How d’ya do?
SHEMP: Good evening sir! How are ya?
MOE: That’s enough. Pardon me, sir. May we use your phone? We just ran out of gas.
CROOK: Why certainly, gentlemen. That is, if you could open my door. I…I seemed to have forgotten my key.
SHEMP: Well we can just climb through that window upstairs. [points upwards]
CROOK: What? [looks up] Well, that’s very generous of you. Thank you!
SHEMP: Come on! Give me a boot!
MOE: Alright, get moving. Larry, bend over. Shemp, you get up there.
SHEMP: Alright.
MOE: Up you go!
[Larry bends down so Shemp can climb on top of him. Larry can’t support the weight. He falls and lands on mud.]
LARRY: Oh!! [falls in the mud]
MOE: Up you go there! [As he pushes Shemp up the window]
SHEMP: I’m comin’ up.
MOE: Up you go!
LARRY: [With his face and hands full of mud] Clumsy ox! [Takes a hose and washes the mud off of himself]
[The scene ends and a new scene begins inside the house. The crook removes a picture off the wall where we see the hidden safe]
[Shemp and Moe are standing right behind Larry as he looks through the phone book]
LARRY: Hey! How do you spell garage? With a ‘g’ or a ‘j’?
SHEMP: With a ‘g’ you idiot! G-A-R-A-J.
MOE: Fine speller you turned out to be. G-A-R-A-J. Don’t you know there’s an ‘e’ at the end of it?
SHEMP: Hmm. You just made that up. [Shemp put his hand in front of Moe and moves it up and down. Moe follows it]
MOE: Go on! [pushes Shemp and he trips over a satchel of tools on the floor]
SHEMP: Oh!!
[Shemp picks up the satchel and shakes it]
SHEMP: Hey mister! What do you got in this thing? Silver dollars?
CROOK: Hah! I wish there was. As a matter of fact, I went broke gambling in Las Vegas. Came home to get some more money.
SHEMP: Money gives me itchy palms. Haha [Drops the satchel on Moe’s foot]
MOE: Oh oh oh! [grabs his foot in pain and picks up the satchel]
SHEMP: Oh! I’m sorry.
MOE: [looks inside the satchel] Hey! Why all the tools?
CROOKS: Oh why uh! I musta picked up the wrong satchel at the depot. And the combination of the safe was written on a piece of paper that was…in my own satchel. Now, uh…how will I open the safe?
SHEMP: Well, our old man used to open safes with Nitro-Glyceriney. Haha. Remember that first poof [spits at Moe]
[Moe grabs his face]
CROOK: Maybe you boys could do the same for me?
SHEMP: We’ll try!
CROOK: Good! And by a strange coincidence, there happens to be some explosives in that satchel.
LARRY: Say! If I didn’t know you was a gentleman, I‘d swear you was a safe cracker.
SHEMP: Haha! That’s the funniest thing you ever said.
[They all laugh]
CROOK: Well go to work boys. I’ll go outside and keep a look out…I mean, ah, get a breath of fresh air. And please hurry, won’t you. I have to catch the ten o’clock train for Las Vegas. [leaves the room]
LARRY: [looks at watch] Ten o’clock! You’re a cinch.
MOE: Ok boys. Move the furniture. [dumps the tools out of the satchel] Get busy now! Alright Larry, set up the drill.
LARRY: Ok.
[Shemp and Larry move the furniture out of the way]
MOE: Here ya are, chiseler! Chisel the knob off that combination.
SHEMP: How do you like that? I gotta do the work while he gives the orders. [Attempts to chisel the combination knob off the safe with a hammer] He’s a wise guy. Believe me when I tell ya--- [Accidentally hits his hand with the hammer as he attempts to hit the chisel] Oh! Oh! Oh! [drops the chisel on the floor next to a bunch of dynamite sticks]
SHEMP: Let me tell ya something. You always hollering “do this, do that.”
[Shemp keeps nagging at Moe and attempts to pick the chisel up from the floor without looking. He accidentally picks up a dynamite stick thinking it’s the chisel]
SHEMP: You never do nothing yourself. All the time you tell ah---
MOE: Oh shut up and get over there.
SHEMP: Ah.
MOE: Get busy.
SHEMP: Alright. [Put the dynamite next to the combination knob thinking it’s the chisel and he gets ready to hit it with the hammer] Orders! Orders! Nothing but orders. That’s all I ever get is orders. [Moe sees the dynamite and with a frightened look on his face, he quickly grabs the dynamite and Shemp hits Moe’s hand by accident with the hammer]
MOE: Ow!
SHEMP: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
MOE: That’s dynamite, you idiot. You wanna blow us all up? [Takes off Shemps hat] Hold that. [hits Shemp in the head with the dynamite]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh! It’s a good thing I had a soft head. What would’ve happened if it exploded?
MOE: It would just go poof. [Spits on Shemp] How do ya like that?
SHEMP: Ah!! [Opens his mouth to say something, but Moe sticks the dynamite in Shemp’s mouth and bonks his head so Shemp bites on it] Oooh!
[Moe put the dynamite stick on Shemp’s eye]
MOE: Now you pay attention or I’ll push that eye right to the other side of your head.
[Larry goes up to Moe and shows him the drill]
LARRY: Hey! Hey Moe! Notch that steel so the drill won’t slip and we’ll drill it.
MOE: Ok.
LARRY: And here! [turns to Shemp] Hold this Nitro-Glycerin and put it in a safe place if you don’t want us to be blown to hamburgers.
SHEMP: Alright! Alright! [Puts the Nitro-Glycerin bottles in his pocket]
MOE: Gotta get this now.
[Moe notches the steel of the safe with a hammer. As he is hammering, Shemp moves his head side to side following the hammer as it sways]
LARRY: [Can’t turn on the drill] What’s wro--- [Sees the plug in this hand] Oh I didn’t plug it in.
[Larry plugs the drill, it turns on and he accidentally drills Shemp in the rear]
SHEMP: Ahhhh! Owww! Why don’t you drill where you’re looking?
LARRY: Why don’t you look where I’m drilling?
MOE: Why don’t you two shut up? [Double-slaps Larry and Shemp]
SHEMP: Oh.
MOE: Give me that drill!!
[Moe grabs the end of the drill, Larry turns it on and he ends up drilling Moe’s hand]
MOE: Naaaahhh! Ow! Give me that drill, you! I’ll murder you. Jam it in your face.
[Moe starts drilling one hole in the safe. He tries to yank out the drill, but he’s having trouble]
SHEMP: Yank it out! What’s the matter? You’re weak?
MOE: Yeaah! [Pulls the drill out harder. He finally yanks it out and his elbow hits Shemp in the face]
SHEMP: Oh! [holds his mouth in pain and spits out his teeth] Oh! [spits out more teeth]
[Moe continues drilling]
[The scene transitions to a new scene where Moe is putting up the nitro-glycerin on the safe. He just finished putting everything up.]
MOE: Boys! You better step back!
[Lights a match with his foot and lights up the nitro-glycerin. It hisses]
MOE: I think we better step back a little further.
[The safe explodes. As soon as the smoke clears, the stooges are buried under the couch in the living room. While the stooges lay there, the crook walks in, he grabs a leather case from under his jacket, and puts all the money in from the safe]
[After he put all the money in the case, he walks up to the stooges who are still lying under the couch]
CROOK: Hehehe. So long, suckers! [He leaves the room]
MOE, LARRY, AND SHEMP: Oh! [As they struggle to move the couch out of the way and get up]
SHEMP: What happened? [Looks at his leg and see that there’s nothing there]
SHEMP: My leg. Moe! Larry! I blew my leg off! Moe! I blew---
LARRY: What’s the matter?
SHEMP: I blew my leg off!
MOE: Awww! Poor kid. This is terrible.
LARRY: We better get him to a hospital. [Helps Shemp get up] Take it easy!
SHEMP: Oh! Easy! Easy fellas!
[Moe and Larry help Shemp get up and walk]
LARRY: Don’t worry, kid. We’ll get you a new leg.
MOE: You’ll be dancing in six months.
SHEMP: That’s good. I could never dance before. Just a minute. I forgot my hat. [Walks back to get his hat even though he’s supposedly missing a leg]
[Moe and Larry just realizes that Shemp is ok since he was able to walk back and get his hat. Shemp still thinks his leg is missing]
SHEMP: Ok boys! Let’s go.
[Moe and Larry signal to each other and they both kick Shemp’s leg that was supposedly missing]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh my leg! My leg! Oh! [looks at his leg and realizes that it’s fine] Oh, my leg is ok. Ahahaha.
MOE: You’re leg. [grabs Shemp and slaps him twice]
[The night watchman enters the house. He sees the stooges and walks up to them]
MOE: Now listen you, cut out this monkey business or you’re gonna get—
WATCHMAN: Hey! What’s going on here? The neighbor said there’d been an explosion.
MOE: Yeah. We just blew the safe for the owner of this house.
WATCHMAN: Oh yeah? The owner’s in Europe!
LARRY: Europe! Haha. He’s taking the train to Las--- [The night watchman points a gun at the stooges]
WATCHMAN: Come along quietly. You’ll get ten years for this.
MOE: Oh! My heart. [Grabs his chest and falls to the ground]
WATCHMAN: What’s the matter with him?
LARRY: Every time he gets excited, his heart goes poof. [spits on the night watchman’s face]
WATCHMAN: Oh! [Grabs his face]
[Moe pulls the carpet and the night watchman falls to the ground. As he falls, he accidentally shoots the chandelier on the ceiling and it falls on his head knocking him out cold]
SHEMP: Nice work, Moe!
MOE: Listen! We gotta find that crook somehow and recover that money if we don’t want to go to jail for ten years,
LARRY: He said he was taking the ten o’clock train to Las Vegas.
SHEMP: Well, let’s go. We can grab at the train. Wait a minute.
[Walks up to the unconscious night watchman and covers him with the carpet]
SHEMP: I don’t want this guy to catch a cold.
MOE: Come on. [grabs Shemp’s tie and pulls him]
SHEMP: Let go of me. Let go of me. Look out. Let go---
[Moe pulls Shemp out of the door and Larry kicks him in the rear]
[The scene ends, and then transitions into the inside of the Cannonball Express pullman train. The Stooges are then seen running inside of the train.]
SHEMP: Whew! We just made it!
[The train starts moving.]
LARRY: Hey! The train’s movin’ and we got no money for tickets.
MOE: So what? We’ll grab him, jump off the train and take him with us!
SHEMP: Yeah, he won’t give us the slip again.
MOE: Right! We’ll search the train carefully and give everybody a close...uh, a close....[to Shemp] Say, what’s a good word for ‘scrutiny’?
SHEMP: [thinking]...Scrutiny!
MOE: ...Thanks! [eye-pokes Shemp] C’mon!!!
LARRY: [looking around the train] I don’t see ‘im anywhere. Maybe he’s disguised.
[Larry continues looking around the train and then notices a man with a hat covering his face.]
LARRY: [calling Shemp and Moe] Hey! I’ll bet that’s him.
MOE: Take it off!
[Larry takes the hat covering the passenger’s face, and reveals that the passenger is asleep, and wearing a clothespin on his nose.]
SNORING PASSENGER: [snoring] ZZzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZ! Woo- woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! ZZZzzzzzzzzZZZZ! Woo-woo-woo- woo-woo-woo! ZZZZzzzzzzzzZZZZ! ARF!!!! ARF!!!!
SHEMP: [to Moe] What is that, a Cocker Spaniel?
MOE: No, I think he’s just a Spaniel!
SNORING PASSENGER: [snoring] ARF!! ARF!!!!
[Moe quickly puts the clothespin back on the passenger’s nose, and Larry puts the hat back over his face.]
LARRY: That’s not him!
[The Stooges walk away from the snoring passenger, then walk by another sleeping passenger, with a hat and a long beard.]
SHEMP: [to Larry and Moe] Here he is! He’s disguised with a phony beard.
[Larry takes of the passenger’s hat, and Moe yanks his beard. It turns out that the passenger is not the crook, and his beard is real.]
BEARDED PASSENGER: [holding his beard in pain] OWWWW!!!! [standing up out of his seat] YOU IDIOT!
[The bearded passenger triple-slaps the Stooges, then sits back in his seat, crying and holding his beard in pain. The Stooges quickly walk away. Suddenly, they run into the train conductor.]
TRAIN CONDUCTOR: Tickets, please!
LARRY: [pretending to search his pockets] Oh, tickets?
SHEMP: Oh, tickets?
MOE: Oh, tick -- Oh, yes! [pointing to a door] We left it right here in the drawing room. Right this way.
[Moe shows the conductor into the "drawing room" which is actually a woman’s dressing room; we see the shadow of a woman curling her hair. After the conductor falls for the trap and walks inside the room, Moe slams the door shut. Suddenly from outside the room, the Stooges hear yelling]
WOMAN IN DRESSING ROOM: AHHHH!!!! [slapping sounds] GO AWAY! [more slapping sounds]
TRAIN CONDUCTOR: OWWWWW!!!! OH, TAKE IT EASY, LADY!!!!
[The Stooges quickly run-off camera, then we see the dressing room door open up and the conductor comes out with a nasty black eye. He then sees the Stooges standing in a huddle on the other end of the train.]
TRAIN CONDUCTOR: [to the Stooges] Hey, you!!!!
[Moe hides and sticks his leg out while Shemp and Larry make silly sounds and faces to taunt the conductor. He runs up to them and trips over Moe’s leg.]
LARRY: [to Moe] C’mon! C’mon!
[Moe, Larry, and Shemp escape from the conductor, and then run inside of a room with several large cargo boxes.]
MOE: That conductor’s after us and we’d better hide!
LARRY: [opening up the latch to one of the boxes] Hey, in here, fellas!
[Larry opens up the box and the Stooges hide inside of it. They don’t even notice that there’s a lion right behind them in the box.]
MOE: Whew! We’ll be safe in here.
LARRY: Yeah, we’ll wait until the conductor goes, and then we’ll find him.
MOE: Shh!
[The boys listen out. The lion behind them suddenly lets out a roar.]
MOE: [to Shemp] What’s the matta, you got indigestion?
SHEMP: No! I feel fine!
MOE: [to Larry] Then it must be you! Why don’t you take a bicarbonate of soda?
LARRY: Why don’t you shut up; you wanna give us away?!
SHEMP: Don’t be silly, we’re safe as babies in here.
[The lion behind the Stooges roars again.]
MOE: Shhh. I’m sure I hear something!
LARRY: [sniffing] I smell somethin’ awful!
MOE: You tellin’ me? Why doncha use cologne? ... Shh!
[The lion roars once again, this time causing a breeze down Moe’s back.]
MOE: [to Shemp] Stop breathin’ down my neck!
SHEMP: I ain’t breathin’!
MOE: [to Larry] Then it must be you...
LARRY: How can I be breathin’ down your neck on that side when I’m on this side? -- SHUTUP!
MOE: ...maybe there’s a draft behind...
[Moe turns around and notices the roaring lion.]
MOE, LARRY, AND SHEMP: [together] NYAAAAAH!
[The Stooges dash out of the box, and the lion follows them. The Stooges run out of the room and then duck into a pullman berth, ditching the path of the lion.]
LARRY: [out of breath, and clutching his chest] I’m paralyzed! I can’t move!
MOE: Nevertheless, we gotta find that crook!
LARRY: We’ll never find him now. All the berths are made up and everybody’s asleep.
SHEMP: That’s good, and that’s just what we’re gonna do -- SLEEP!
MOE: For once in your life, you’re right. We’ll get that crook in the morning.
[The Stooges take off their shoes and Shemp accidentally hits Larry on the head with his.]
LARRY: [holding his head] OOH!
MOE: Take it easy, boys!
SHEMP: Which way’s the train going? I’m gonna sleep here.
LARRY: Eh, sleep that way...
[Camera cuts over to the lion, who’s wandering around the back of the pullman train, and crawls inside of a room where the train porter is humming to himself while polishing his shoes. The lion crawls on the couch behind the porter and makes itself comfortable. The porter, not noticing the lion at all, mistakes the lion’s tail for a dauber and dips it in the polish bottle. A sudden roar from the lion catches the porter’s attention and he slowly looks behind him.]
TRAIN PORTER: [seeing the lion] AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
[The porter tries to jump out the window, but he gets stuck mid-way.]
TRAIN PORTER: OWWWWWW! OWWWWWW!!!
[The lion crawls over to him, and starts scratching the porter’s rear end with it’s sharp claws.]
TRAIN PORTER: WAAAAAAA! HELP! HELP! AH’M LOSIN’ MAH MIND!!!!!
[The lion leaves the room as the trapped train porter continues to scream helplessly. Camera cuts back over to the Stooges’ pullman berth, where the Stooges are asleep, and Moe’s foot is hanging outside of the berth. The lion crawls over up to the outside of the berth and then starts to lick Moe’s foot. Moe, still sleeping, begins to smile a little. The lion then breaks into a random fit of ghoulish- sounding laughs before continuing to tickle Moe’s foot with his tongue.]
MOE: [still asleep] HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!
[Moe awakes and pulls his foot back into the berth. He looks over at the snoring Shemp and then, thinking Shemp was the one tickling him, gives him a kick right in the jaw. Shemp awakens]
SHEMP: What’s the idea?!
MOE: Stop ticking my foot!
SHEMP: I didn’t touch your foot!!
MOE: Ya did, too! Come on up here and sleep with us.
[As Shemp makes his way over to Larry and Moe’s side of the bed, Moe wakes Larry up with a tap to the shoulder.]
MOE: Hey! Wake up and go to sleep!
LARRY: [still half asleep] I’ll wake up sleeping...
MOE: Yeah, c’mon...Under the blankets.
SHEMP: [to Larry] Move over!
[Larry makes room for Shemp, and then they all fall back asleep. The lion crawls inside of the Stooges berth and lays right on Moe and Larry’s feet, waking both of them back up.]
MOE: [to Larry] Get your big feet off of me!
LARRY: I ain’t got my feet on you, you got your feet on me! Get ‘em off!
MOE: I said get your feet off!
LARRY: Get yours off of me first!
SHEMP: [awakening] Ohh, will you guys keep quiet around here, I...
[The Stooges look over and notice the lion right in their berth.]
MOE, LARRY, AND SHEMP: [together] NYUUUUUUH!!!
[The Stooges dash out of their pullman berth, pulling down the curtains covering the berths. All the other passengers awaken and notice the lion.]
PASSENGER VOICE #1: Oh look, a lion!
PASSENGER VOICE #2: LION!
PASSENGER VOICE #3: L-LI-LION!!!
[The Stooges manage to escape from the mess, and they stop by a door.]
MOE: Boy, that was close!
[Suddenly, the door next to the Stooges opens and I. The crook they’ve been looking for walks out.]
MOE: Hey, it’s him!!!!
LARRY: You dirty...
[The Stooges reach out to deck the guy, but he ducks and runs away, leaving the boys to accidentally punch out each other.]
MOE: Why you...[noticing the crook ducking into a room] there he goes down there!!!
[The Stooges follow him into the room with all the cargo boxes. The boys run around the boxes and end up bumping into each other.]
MOE: Why you...
[The crook peeks his head out from behind a box.]
LARRY: There he is!
[The crook ducks out of the way. Moe grabs a hammer.]
MOE: [to Shemp] Hey, you surround ‘im! We’ll chop him off at this end.
[Shemp sneaks over to where the crook his hiding, and he gives him a punch right in the jaw. He then pushes Shemp over toward Moe and Larry. Moe, mistaking him for the crook, gives Shemp a whack to the head with the hammer, knocking him out unconscious.]
MOE: [realizing who it is] Aw, Shemp!
LARRY: Shemp!
MOE: How do ya like that?
[Larry and Moe carry Shemp back up and Moe tries to bring him to by fanning a hammer in his face.]
LARRY: Say a couple of adjectives!
MOE: [whacking Larry in the eye with the hammer] Quiet!
[The crook sneaks behind the Stooges and pulls out his knife. Moe throws the hammer away behind him and unknowingly knocks out the crook.]
CROOK: [groaning] OHHHHH!
[He passes out and Moe and Larry look over at him. Shemp comes back to.]
MOE: It’s him! That crook! He’s out.
[Larry grabs the satchel and opens it up.]
LARRY: Oh, boy! We got the money!
MOE: Wait a minute! We better divide it in case something happens before we get a chance to return it.
MOE: [hands some money to Shemp] There’s one for you... [hands some money to Larry]...one for you...[hands some money to himself]...and one for me!
CROOK: [regaining consciousness] OHHHH....
MOE: [grabbing the hammer] And one for you! [whacks him on the head with the hammer again, knocking him out]
SHEMP: [anxiously grabbing the money] Gimme the bonds! I want the bonds!!!
MOE: [pushing Shemp back] Hold your horses!
SHEMP: I want it now this minute!!! [makes ticking sound] That's what I want right now!
MOE: ...Well, you got it...
[Moe eye-pokes Shemp, then pushes him away. Shemp falls back down and lands right onto a crate of eggs.]
SHEMP: [hands filled with egg yolk] Ugh! How do ya like that? I feel like a piece of french toast! I...
Shemp looks up at Moe and Larry, then gets a sly idea. He grabs two eggs and launches them in the air. Camera cuts over to Larry and Moe counting through their money.
MOE: Fifty one, fif...
[Suddenly, the two eggs splatter all over Moe and Larry's faces each.]
SHEMP: Ha, ha, ha, ha...
Shemp stops laughing when he realizes that Moe and Larry are probably going to kick his butt.
LARRY AND MOE: HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!
[The hysterical Moe and Larry walk over to Shemp, who's covering his face in fear.]
SHEMP: You...you fellas ain't mad???
LARRY AND MOE: [while still laughing] NO! HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!
SHEMP: [relieved] HEE, HEE, HEE, HEE, HEE! HA, HA, HA...
[Suddenly, Larry and Moe stop laughing and then shove eggs all over Shemp’s face.]
LARRY: Who's mad?
MOE: Mad, huh? Who's mad, huh?
LARRY: There ya are!
MOE: How do ya like that?
[Larry and Moe continue to egg Shemp]
[The scene fades out]
---THE END---
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