Lobby Cards: The Classic Comedies (The Michael Hawks Collection: Volume II)
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Transcribed By: xraffle
Date Added: 2008-07-24
[The Stooges enter a room with a bunch of wallpaper and tools in their hands.]
MOE: Ok, men! Unload and get to work.
[The Stooges drops everything on the floor and Curly ends up dropping his stuff on Moe's foot]
MOE: Oh! Hey Curly! [Makes a fist and sticks it in Curly's face]
CURLY: What? [turns his head and hits his face against Moe's fist]
MOE: Why you! [takes a pair of scissors and tries to cut Curly's nose]
CURLY: Oh Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
MOE: I'll murder you!
LARRY: Jiggers! It's the boss.
[Mr. Beedle enters the room]
MOE: Hi ya, Mr. Beedle.
MR. BEEDLE: Hi ya, boys. Well you seem to have everything. So, do a good job.
MOE: Yes sir!
CURLY: Hahahaha. Ha! [Mixes the wallpaper paste. He tastes it and likes it, so he adds salt and pepper to it]
MR. BEEDLE: Say! You sure you men are experienced paperhangers?
MOE: Experienced? Sure we are. You go right ahead. You won't know the joint when you get back.
[Mr. Beedle leaves the room and as we seem him leave and enter the hallway, Nikko approaches him]
NIKKO: The master wishes to see you.
MR. BEEDLE: Oh the professor? Sure sure!
[Mr. Beedle and Nikko enter the professor's lab]
MR. BEEDLE: Wanted to see me professor?
PROFESSOR: Yes, how soon will your men be through? I have important work to do.
MR. BEEDLE: Oh, they'll be through in a jiff. I got three good men on it.
PROFESSOR: Good! [looks at Mr. Beedle's head] What size hat do you wear, may I ask?
MR. BEEDLE: Uh, hat? Seven and a half, why?
PROFESSOR: Too large. [starts laughing] Oh, just a little joke of mine. Ah hahahahaha. Hahaha—
[Behind the professor is a gorilla in a cage. The cage is covered up so Mr. Beedle won't see it. The gorilla sticks his hand from under the cover and tries to grab Mr. Beedle, but he doesn't see it. The professor sees the hand and quickly tries to get Mr. Beddle out of the lab]
PROFESSOR: Sorry you're leaving Mr. Beedle. I will expect you back. [pushes Mr. Beedle out of the room]
MR. BEEDLE: Yes yeah. I'll come back soon. I gotta come back-- [The professor closes the door and Mr. Beedle is now out of the room]
[Nikko and the professor are the only ones left in the lab. They approach the cage and the professor removes the curtains revealing the gorilla]
PROFESSOR: It isn't safe to have Igor in here. Now go take him to his room.
NIKKO: Yes master. May I ask why you had him brought here?
PROFESSOR: Because through Igor, I'm going to become famous. Igor, the beast of the jungle, is going to have a human brain. Ah--- He would have one tomorrow…if I could find one small enough.
PROFESSOR: [looks at Nikko's head] What size hat do you wear, Nikko?
NIKKO: [Starts shaking] Six and three quarters.
PROFESSOR: Oh! Not quite small enough, Nikko. Ah! Too bad.
NIKKO: [With relief] Yes master! Too bad!!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins where we see the stooges getting ready to do their paperhanging]
[Larry is holding a ladder but is having trouble as he finds it too heavy. He hits Moe in the head with ladder by accident]
MOE: Oh!
[While struggling to carry the ladder, Larry accidentally places the ladder in Moe's head. Moe's head is now stuck in between the two steps of the ladder. Larry moves backwards and one step of the ladder breaks on Moe's neck]
MOE: Oh. Why you.
[Larry now moves forward and another step of the ladder breaks on Moe's neck]
MOE: Ohh!
[Larry puts the ladder on the ground. Moe walks up to him in anger.]
MOE: Oh I didn't mean to talk rough to ya. Hahaha
[Moe pinches Larry's cheek pretending to be nice, but then slaps him in the face]
MOE: Go on. Get the ladder away!
[The camera cuts to Curly who is trying to spread out the wallpaper while he sings, but he can't because the wallpaper keeps on rolling back]
CURLY: Nah. Hmm. [sees the wallpaper behind him roll back, so he tries to spread it out again while singing]
[When Curly finishes spreading out the wallpaper again, he turns around to see that it rolled back again]
CURLY: Ahhh. Arf! Errrr.
[The camera cuts to Moe who trips over a plank]
MOE: [yells at Larry] Ya bubble brain. Stand that plank up out of the way.
[Larry stands the plank up on the wall. He turns around, takes a few steps and the plank behind him falls on the ground. He hears it fall, but he has no idea what it is, so he ignores it]
[Moe see the plank back on the floor]
MOE: [yells at Larry] Hey! I thought I told you to get that plank up there.
[Larry turns around, sees the plank and stands it back on the wall. He turns around, takes a few steps and the plank behind him falls on the ground again. He hears it fall and he still doesn't know what the sound is. So, he ignores it once again]
[Moe turns around and sees the plank on the floor]
MOE: Wise guy, I'll plank him. [Drops what he's doing and approaches the plank]
[Moe stands the plank up against the wall]
MOE: I see, if I want anything done around here, I gotta do it myself. Oh Larry! Come here I got something special for you.
LARRY: Yeah, what is it?
MOE: This! [slaps Larry] Why?
[The plank falls on Larry's head]
MOE: Oh!
LARRY: [runs to Curly] Hey we better get busy! He's plenty sore.
MOE: A blockbuster. [leaning against the wall as he recovers from being hit with the plank]
LARRY: Ok, let's go.
[Larry and Curly start to wallpaper over Moe not realizing he's against the wall]
CURLY: Hmmm! Hey, that piece is lumpy.
LARRY: [rips open the wallpaper a little bit] Say! This wallpaper's got eyes.
[Larry and Curly tear the wallpaper off]
CURLY: Face looks like Moe.
LARRY: It is Moe.
MOE: Yes it is me!
[Grabs the brush used to paste the wallpaper and he brushes Larry and Curly's face twice]
MOE: Get busy you jug heads. We got a lot of work to do.
LARRY AND CURLY: Ehhh!! [stick their tongues out at Moe]
[Moe brushes their tongues]
MOE: Now go on. Go on! [hits Larry with the brush]
[The scene ends and a new scene begins where we see Mr. Beedle walking in the hallway. He tries to enter the room where the stooges are working at but he can't open the door. He pushes hard and finally gets the door open. The camera cuts to inside the room where we see the horrible work the stooges did with the paperhanging]
MR. BEEDLE: Oh no! No!
MOE: Hi ya, Mr. Beedle. I told ya we'd do a good job.
MR. BEEDLE: No. No. No. No. [rips some wallpaper off the wall] Oh, this is silly. This is silly. It can't be. It can't be.
MOE: Oh, yes it is. I said you wouldn't know the joint.
MR. BEEDLE: You!! [takes off his hat and throws it on the floor] I thought you said you were experienced paperhangers. Well, you're fired. You're not only fired, I'm gonna tear you limb from limb.
[Mr. Beedle tries to run after the stooges, but he knocks over a bucket of paste, causing him to slip. The stooges open the door at the other end of the room and Mr. Beedle slips out the door. The stooges close the door]
MOE: Hey quick!
[The stooges exit the room through the other door, they run through the hallway and enter the professor's lab. Once they enter, the lab is empty]
CURLY: Oh, a swap shop!
MOE: Quiet, bird brain.
[The professor enters]
PROFESSOR: Bird brain!! [approches Curly, takes off his hat, and admires his head] Beautiful!
CURLY: Hmm!
PROFESSOR: Gentlemen. I'm Professor Panzer. I can use you!
MOE: Fine! We can use a job. We just resigned.
PROFESSOR: [Admires Curly's head] Oh! Perfect. Perfect.
MOE: Somebody's nuts around here!
LARRY: Ain't us!
[The professor gets ready with a stethoscope. Curly opens his jacket]
PROFESSOR: Oh no. The heart does not matter. It's the head. The head! [Listens to Curly's head with the stethoscope]
LARRY: Maybe he's a head hunter.
MOE: If he's a head hunter, he's hunting small game.
[As the professor is listening, Curly's head makes some kind of clicking sound. The beat sounds catchy so Moe and Larry dance a little]
PROFESSOR: Practically unoccupied! Wonderful!
CURLY: Say, I don't have to stand for this.
MOE: Wait a minute, professor. I'll take care of him. What are you trying to do, bird brain. Ruin our chance for the job. [Slaps Curly on the head]
CURLY: Oh!
PROFESSOR: Oooh! Not in the head!
CURLY: Hmmm!
[The professor pounds on Curly's head with a small wooden hammer and a musical sound is heard every time he strikes Curly's head. All of a sudden, a weird sound is heard when he hits Curly]
CURLY: Wait a minute!
[Curly takes his hands and tries to turn it around. While we don't see his head turn around, we can hear it]
[The professor takes one last strike at Curly's head with the hammer and the musical sound is back. The professor looks happy after hearing it]
PROFESSOR: Perfect! He's just what I want.
LARRY: Say, what do we get?
CURLY: Yeah, what do we get?
PROFESSOR: Gentlemen, if you remain here, you'll be surrounded by luxury as long as you live.
MOE: Oh boy. Oh boy!
CURLY: Suppose we don't live long.
MOE: Quiet stupid or I'll knock your brain out. Did you hear what he said? Silly wasn't it?
PROFESSOR: Yeah, silly! Ahahahaha.
EVERYONE: Hahahaha.
PROFESSOR: Come with me, gentlemen. I'll show you to your rooms.
[The scene ends and a new scene begins where we see the stooges in the hallway with the professor. They approach their room]
PROFESSOR: Well, gentlemen, here are your quarters.
CURLY: Oh! Two bits a piece. [Larry slaps Curly's hand]
PROFESSOR: I trust you'll be comfortable. [Opens the door to their room]
[The stooges enter their room]
MOE: Boy, what a beautiful joint.
[The professor closes the door and locks it. The stooges hear him lock it, so they quickly run to the door and try to open it]
MOE: It's locked! How do you like that?
[We hear the sound of the gorilla growling, but we can't see the gorilla anywhere. The stooges jump when they hear the sound]
MOE: What's that?
CURLY: It ain't the crooner
MOE: I don't like this set up. How did we get into this thing?
CURLY: The man liked my looks. [takes off his hat to show his head] Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk [puts his hat back on] And he said he would keep us in…what's the word?
MOE: Luxury.
CURLY: Luxury as long as we lived.
MOE: As long as we… As long as we… Nyahhhh! Let's get out of here.
[The stooges run to window and they realize it's barred]
MOE: Prisoners.
[The stooges run to another door in the room, but they can't open it]
LARRY: Wait a minute, let me try this. [Takes out his key]
[Larry can't open the door]
MOE: Look out. I'll get it down. [Pulls Larry aside]
[Moe and Curly try to break the door down, but can't. So, they give up.]
MOE: No use it's too strong. We gotta find someway outta here. There's no telling what the professor's got roaming around this house.
LARRY: Yeah, the doors are locked, the windows are barred, and I don't like it if you ask me.
MOE: Well, nobody asked you.
[The gorilla opens the locked door from behind. It approaches the stooges and it walks up behind them. The stooges don't see the gorilla]
MOE: Yes sir, there's liable to be almost anything running around here. Not that I'm scared, mind you. Pans and can bluff me. I don't scare that easy, that's all.
LARRY: Me either.
CURLY: It's silly to be scared.
MOE: Yeah.
LARRY: Sure.
CURLY: Boy, am I silly!
[The gorilla breathes on Moe's neck. Moe doesn't know the gorilla is behind him, so he accuses Curly]
MOE: Don't breathe down my neck. I don't like it. [hits Curly in the stomach]
CURLY: Oh! [The gorilla breathes down Curly's neck] It's alright for you to do it.
MOE: Do what?
CURLY: Breathe down my neck! Onions too.
MOE: You're crazy.
[The gorilla breathes down Larry's neck.]
LARRY: [to Moe] Stop it. You tickle me.
MOE: Who?
LARRY: You!
MOE: You're both nuts.
[The gorilla breathes down Moe's neck. Moe gets mad and he still thinks it's Curly. He tries to grab Curly but accidentally grabs the gorilla who's behind them]
MOE: [looking frightened] Hey Curly! Haaave you got a fur coat on?
CURLY: No. [turns around and sees the gorilla] But he has. Nyaahhh aahhh ahh ah.
[The stooges turn around, see the gorilla, and quickly run under the bed]
[The gorilla runs up to the bed, removes the mattress, and jumps on the springs]
MOE: Take it easy. Ow. Oh!
[Gorilla continues to jump on the springs of the bed]
MOE, LARRY, AND CURLY: Ow. Oh! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh!
[The gorilla continues jumping on the springs, but its foot goes through the spring and is now under the bed. The stooges see the foot and quickly get out from under the bed]
MOE: Nyaahhh!
[The stooges run towards the door and they knock on it]
MOE: Help! Get us out of here!
[The stooges still bang on the door for help. Moe tries to pull the doorknob but it comes off and the door still doesn't open]
[Finally, the professor opens the door from outside and lets the stooges out]
[The scene ends and a new scene begins with the stooges inside the lab with the professor]
PROFESSOR: Come here please! Stand behind the screen. [Curly goes behind the x-ray fluoroscope screen]
LARRY: Lucky guy gets a screen test
[The professor turns on the machine. Inside Curly's head is a bird that cuckoos.]
LARRY: It's a bird!
MOE: Sure, a bird in the head is worth two in a bush.
[The professor hits Curly's head and the bird inside his head gets knocked out]
PROFESSOR: Wonderful! You've all seen Igor? A gorilla? The beast of the jungle. The next time you see him, he will have the brain of a human being.
LARRY: You're gonna make a quiz kid outta him, dock?
PROFESSOR: It was very difficult to find the brain puny enough to put into the skill of Igor, but now the search has ended.
LARRY: Where are you gonna get this undersized brain?
PROFESSOR: Ahehehe. [Looks at Curly]
CURLY: Ahahahaha!
PROFESSOR: Ah beautiful. [Touches Curly's head] Hahaha.
[The stooges finally realize what the professor is up to]
MOE: Let's go.
LARRY: Let's get out of here.
[The stooges run around the lab and the professor chases after them]
[The professor and Moe bump into each other]
MOE: Why you? [looks at the professor] Ohhhh!
[Curly hides behind a table and as soon as the professor runs by, Curly drops the bottle and the professor slips and falls. He lands on a set of teeth and he hurts himself]
PROFESSOR: Ouch! Ouch!
MOE: Hahaha! You fall down. Hah! [The professor runs after him] Ahhhhh!
[The professor is running after Moe, but Moe moves to side and the professor bumps into the wall. A bottle falls on the professor's head and he gets knocked unconscious]
[The stooges run out of the lab, then through the hallway and they hide in another room. As they run into the other room, Moe and Larry stay right beside the door while Curly runs all the way to the other end of the room. Behind Moe and Larry is the gorilla, but they don't see it.]
CURLY: [Turns around and sees the gorilla] Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeh!
MOE: Shut up! This is no time to be singing.
CURLY: But Moe! Moe!
[The gorilla puts its hand on Moe's shoulder]
MOE: Shut up, I said!
CURLY: Hmmmmm! But Moe!
[Moe aggressively pushes the gorilla's hand away.]
MOE: Shut up!
[The gorilla growls. Moe and Larry hear it and they turn around]
MOE: Nyaaahhh!
[Moe and Larry quickly open the door and run out. Curly, who is at the other end, tries to catch up to them, but can't because the gorilla is in front of him]
CURLY: Nyah ahhh!
[The gorilla approaches Curly and starts petting him and being friendly.]
CURLY: I bet you do that to all the boys, especially if you're gonna get their brain. Nyaah ah ah!
[The camera cuts to the hallway where we see Moe and Larry running. The professor comes out, Moe and Larry sees him, and they quickly run into the side of the hallway where they can't be seen. Moe and Larry are now squished together hiding there. The professor runs down the hallway]
MOE: Hey! He's gonna grab Curly!
LARRY: Yeah! We better do something.
MOE: He'll take him to the lab, won't he!
LARRY: Yes.
MOE: Well we'll ambush him! [Twists both of Larry's ears']
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: Then will infiltrate! [Hits Larry's face] Then will give him the old Pincers Movement! [Slaps Larry's face with both hands twice]
LARRY: Oh! Wait a minute! Save that for him.
MOE: Ok ok!
[Moe and Larry both try to get out of their squishy hiding spot, but they can't. Since it's very squishy, they can't move out at the same time. Moe and Larry try getting out together a second time, but they still can't]
MOE: Recede!
[Larry moves to the side and Moe runs out and Larry follows him]
[The camera cuts to another room where Curly and the gorilla are]
CURLY: I know, boy! I know, boy! [He pets the gorilla]
[We hear a knock on the door]
GORILLA: Hmm huh. Hmm huh. Hmmm huh. Hmm huh. [tries to signal to Curly so he leaves the room]
[The gorilla and Curly leave the room and enter the next room. The professor enters the room where Curly just left]
GORILLA: Huh. Hmm huh. Hmm huh. Hmmm huh. Hmm huh [signals to Curly so he leave this room as well]
[As Curly and the gorilla leave, the professor walks into that room they just left. Curly and the gorilla are now at the hallway. Curly approaches the door of the professor's lab, where Moe and Larry are at. He knocks on it]
LARRY: Who is it?
CURLY: It's me! Curly! Open up! [pushes his way in]
[Moe opens the door as Curly pushes in. Curly and the gorilla walk in, but Moe doesn't see the gorilla yet. Moe and Larry lock the door, turn around and see the gorilla]
MOE: Nyaaaahhh! Ya monkey. Why did you bring that ay…ape in here for? Get him out of here.
CURLY: No, he's my pal.
[The gorilla hugs Curly]
CURLY: Five o'clock shadow! Remind me, you got to shave in the morning!
[The camera cuts to the hallway where the professor and Nikko are trying to open the door of the lab, but it's locked]
PROFESSOR: They're locked in the laboratory, the fools! I'll use the secret entrance! Get the gun!
NIKKO: Yes, master!
[The scene cuts to Curly and the gorilla in the lab. They both are looking at the professor's table. Curly picks up an object, sniffs it, and throws it. We hear that object break. The gorilla does the same thing Curly does]
CURLY: Hey you're smart!
[Curly and the gorilla start throwing other objects and we hear more breaking sounds]
[Moe and Larry are at the door trying to listen to see if the professor is outside]
MOE: [Annoyed] Hey! Cut it out! [walks up to Curly]
[As Moe walks, Curly throws another object and it lands on Moe's head. Moe gets annoyed and approaches Curly]
MOE: What's the big idea, egghead! [slaps Curly's face, then slaps his forehead, and flings his face]
[The gorilla grabs Moe]
CURLY: He's my pal! He don't like people to hit me.
MOE: I'm sorry, pal. I apologize.
[The gorilla grabs Curly's hand and slaps Moe's face with it]
CURLY: Is this what you mean? [slaps Moe's face, then slaps his forehead, and flings his face]
MOE: Why you! [The gorilla grabs Moe again] I was only kidding, Ingagy! Honest, I like it! Look, go ahead. Do it again! [tells Curly]
[Curly slaps Moe's face, then slaps his forehead, and flings his face once again. The gorilla jumps up and down for joy.]
[The camera cuts to the hallway again where we see Nikko hand the professor a machine gun]
PROFESSOR: Now I'll fix 'em. [grabs the gun]
[The scene ends and a new scene begins where we see the gorilla walking over to the table in the lab. It sniffs a bottle of Pure Grain Alcohol on the table. It drinks it and reacts a little to it. Curly runs up to the gorilla and grabs the bottle from it]
CURLY: No you don't! This stuff is bad for ya! It'll make you a monkey out of you every time.
MOE: Listen to that monkey talking!
[Curly drinks the bottle and smoke comes out of his ears]
[Suddenly the professor walks in through the secret entrance]
PROFESSOR: Don't move! Anyone of you! [points his machine gun at them]
MOE: Hey! Look out! That thing is liable to go off!
PROFESSOR: It will go off. I'm going to kill you. You've anything to say before you die?
CURLY: Yeah! Have you got a permit from the OPA?
[The professor starts shooting and the stooges run and hide. He continues shooting for a while and then stops to look around. The gorilla sneaks up on him and grabs the gun away from him]
PROFESSOR: Ohhh! Igor! Igor! [The gorilla starts shooting like crazy all around the room] Igor! Igor! No! No!
[The gorilla still continues to shoot all over the place. As the professor tries to exit through the secret entrance, the gorilla shoots him in the rear and he hits his head and becomes unconscious. The stooges are hiding under the table. Since the gorilla is shooting the gun like crazy, it ends up shooting the stooges in the rear as they hide under the table and they each hit their heads. The stooges quickly get up and exit the lab]
[The camera cuts to hallway where the stooges are running. As the stooges run through the hall, the gorilla enters. Curly turns back and he runs up to the gorilla. He takes the gorilla by the hand and they run down the hallway together.]
[The scene fades out]
--THE END--
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