Lobby Cards: The Classic Comedies (The Michael Hawks Collection: Volume II)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2008-07-30
BACK FROM THE FRONT
[ The short opens with a disclaimer that reads “ANY RESEMBLANCE BETWEEN THE CHARACTERS IN THIS PICTURE AND OTHER HUMAN BEINGS IS A DIRTY SHAME.” ]
[ The scene dissolves to a close-up of a large dog inside of a house. The camera pans over and shows three women sitting down on a couch while knitting. ]
[ A knock outside the front door is heard ]
TIZZY: It must be grandma, kids.
TIZZY, LIZZY, AND DIZZY: Come in, grandma!
[ The Stooges enter, dressed in sailor clothes and carrying duffel bags. They run up to the three ladies. ]
MOE: Tizzy!
LARRY: Lizzy!
CURLY: Dizzy!
TIZZY: Inky!
LIZZY: Blinky!
DIZZY: Dinky!
[ The Stooges each throw their duffel bag over their shoulder and hold their girl ]
MOE: You look good!
LARRY: Oh, you look wonderful!
TIZZY: [ looking at Moe’s clothes ] Say, why the get-up?
LIZZY: Where’s the masquerade party?
DIZZY: Yeah!
LARRY: We’re sailors on a steamship.
MOE: We signed on the dotty line and we’re workin’ on a boat. Kiss us goodbye!
[ Moe and Larry open their arms and reach closer for their girls, but Tizzy and Lizzy duck out of the way, causing Moe and Larry to grab and kiss each other by mistake. ]
MOE: PPFFFT!! I’m poisoned!
[ Curly closes his eyes and tries to kiss his girl, but he mistakenly kisses the large dog instead ]
CURLY: NYAAAH-AAAH-AAAH! RUFF!
[ The dog barks back ]
CURLY: RUFF!
[ The dog barks back again ]
MOE: Aw, now fun’s fun. We gotta go! Kiss us goodbye! Come onnn!
[ The Stooges and their girls kiss ]
MOE: Oh, boy! We’re off to sea! To see what we can see! See?
CURLY: Si si!
[ The Stooges begin dancing while Curly pulls a long string that Moe’ s holding ]
ALL STOOGES: [ singing ] We’re off to see the sea
and we’re off to see the sea
we’re off to see the sea
oh we’re off to see the sea
Oh we’re off to see the sea
wild winds blow
[ Larry unknowingly kicks Moe in the behind while dancing ]
ALL STOOGES: We’re off to see the sea
where the wild winds blow
[ Larry kicks Moe in the behind again ]
ALL STOOGES: We’re off to see the sea
where the wild winds blow
[ Larry kicks Moe in the behind a third time ]
ALL STOOGES: We’re off to see the sea…
[ Moe turns around and kicks Larry in the behind this time, knocking him down on the floor ]
LARRY: OOH!
MOE AND CURLY: …where the wild winds blow
[ Larry stands back up ]
ALL STOOGES: Ohhhhhhhhhh
we’re off to see the sea
where the wild winds blow
[ The Stooges dance their way towards the front door, then they turn back to pick up their duffel bags ]
CURLY: [ to the ladies ] We forgot our duffel… bags!
[ The ladies laugh as the Stooges head out the door again ]
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with a shot of the S.S. Dotty steamship at sea. A horn on the ship blows loudly. ]
[ On the ship, Moe and Larry have their backs to the camera and are leaning over the ship railing. Curly enters the scene, eating some food. ]
CURLY: Hiya, fellas!
[ Moe and Larry slowly turn towards Curly, revealing that their faces are sickly pale white ]
MOE: Ohh…
CURLY: Oh, where’d you get the suntan?
MOE: Ohhhhh, am I seasick!
CURLY: Ha ha! It’s only mind over matter! That’s all! [ showing the food in his hand ] Hey, look what I got… raw liver! Have a bite!
[ Curly holds the raw liver in front of Moe’s face. Moe gets an ill expression on his face and runs off camera while covering his mouth. ]
MOE: PPFTTT!!
[ Moe runs over to a corner away from the camera, then he reaches on-camera for a pail and grabs it over to him. After a few seconds, Moe angrily walks back on-camera and grabs a mop, then heads back to the corner to clean up the mess he made. ]
CURLY: What’s the matter with him??? [ to Larry ] Hey, Larry! Come on, share my raw liver, it’s delicious!
LARRY: [ staggering away ] NYAAAAAH!
CURLY: What’s the matter with you guys? Ya can’t take it! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[ Curly begins eating the raw liver ]
CURLY: [ muffled ] Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha…
[ Curly looks around, then suddenly stops chewing and gets a sick, bug-eyed expression. He slaps his face, then turns around. ]
CURLY: Ughnn…
[ Curly leans over the ship railing like Moe and Larry were previously ]
[ Larry staggers to the outside of a window in a ship room. He sticks his head inside of the window. ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] HEY!!!
LARRY: Oh, pardon me… [ covers his mouth ] BLMPH! [ leaves ]
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with the Stooges paining a room inside the ship ]
CURLY: [ singing ] La leeee laaaa la la la
at the creek with the boys
with their hunting and fishing through the trees
La leeee laaaa la la la
at the creek with the boys
with their hunting and fishing through the trees
[ A small puppy in the room barks loudly during Curly’s singing. A German officer named Dungen is sleeping in the room on a swinging bed, before the puppy’s barking wakes him up. Dungen looks around the room angrily and sees the puppy. ]
DUNGEN: SHUT UP, YOU!!!
[ Simultaneously, the puppy stops barking and Curly stops singing. Dungen lies back down. ]
CURLY: [ to Larry ] You know, I was a born painter.
[ Without looking at where he’s painting, Curly accidentally slaps his paintbrush over Moe’s head several times. Moe angrily throws his own paintbrush to the ground, then picks up another paintbrush and grabs Curly. ]
MOE: HEY! Why don’cha look where ya paintin’?
CURLY: I’m paintin’ where I’m lookin’! [ sticks out tongue ] Mmm!
[ Moe swipes paint on Curly’s tongue with his paintbrush ]
CURLY: Eeeyaah! [ holding up his arm ] Why, you--
[ Moe kicks Curly in the stomach, knocking him backwards ]
CURLY: YAAAAH-AAAAAH-AAAAAH!!
[ Curly backs into Dungen’s swinging bed and knocks Dungen out of it, slamming him onto the floor ]
DUNGEN: UHH!! [ gets up from the floor ]
CURLY: I’m sorry, Dungen! Really, I’m very sorry, Dungen!
DUNGEN: You are sorry, Dungen?! Get out ta here!
CURLY: [ salutes ] Yes, Dungen!
[ Curly shuffles backwards with his feet, and accidentally kicks Moe in the behind, knocking his face into the freshly-painted wall ]
MOE: Ooh!
[ Moe turns towards Curly while Larry nervously watches ]
MOE: What’s the matta with you?! You wanna ruin the paint job?! [ slaps Curly with the brush ]
CURLY: HMMM!
[ Curly swings his paintbrush back-and-forth around Moe’s face several times, then raises the brush up and smacks it down Moe’s face twice. Moe pauses for a few seconds, then quickly smacks Curly with his brush. He turns around and picks up a paint bucket. ]
MOE: Why, you!
[ Moe throws the bucket at Curly, but Curly ducks and the bucket goes off-camera. Moe grabs Curly’s neck. ]
MOE: I’ll strangle you!
[ Curly stops Moe by hitting him with his brush ]
DUNGEN: [ off-camera ] AAAAAHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
[ The Stooges turn around and realize that the bucket Moe threw is stuck over Dungen’s head. Dungen slowly pulls the bucket off of his paint-drenched head, then he throws the bucket down and gives the Stooges a vicious look. ]
LARRY: Somethin’ tells me we better take a walk.
MOE: Yeah, but run!
CURLY: NYAAH-AAAH-AAAH-AAAH!
[ The Stooges begin running away and Dungen chases after them. The Stooges go inside of a small room and close the door. Dungen runs up to the outside of the door and locks it to make sure the Stooges can’t get back out. ]
[ The camera dissolves to the Stooges inside the small room ]
LARRY: Wait a minute! We gotta figure a way to get outta here. Come on!
[ The Stooges begin walking, but Curly stops ]
CURLY: Hey, fellas - I can’t hear a thing!
MOE: Why not?
CURLY: I’m not listenin’!
[ Moe punches Curly in the stomach, then bops him on the head ]
CURLY: Oh! HMMM!!
MOE: Come on! We--
[ Moe and Larry walk away. Curly notices a closed porthole next to him. ]
CURLY: Oh!
[ Curly opens the porthole and takes a sniff of the fresh outside air. Suddenly, a lot of water comes in and splashes in Curly’s face. ]
CURLY: What a day! [ closes the porthole ]
[ Moe and Larry walk back to Curly ]
LARRY: Come on! We can’t get out that way!
[ Moe and Larry search around the room ]
CURLY: Hmm!
[ Curly opens the porthole again, takes a sniff of the air, and gets splashed with a lot of water again. He closes the porthole. ]
CURLY: What a day!! [ sees Larry ] Oh! [ pats Larry ] Come here, Larry!
[ Larry walks closer to Curly and Curly opens the porthole door ]
CURLY: Look!
LARRY: So what? That’s the ocean! We can’t go out that way! [ walks away ]
CURLY: Hmm!
[ Curly turns to the open porthole, looks out of it, and gets splashed with a lot of water again ]
CURLY: HMMMM!! [ closes the porthole ] What a day!!
[ Curly looks down and notices a raincoat and rainhat ]
CURLY: Oh!
[ Curly puts on the raincoat and hat, then opens the porthole again. This time, only a small squirt of water sprays on Curly’s face. ]
CURLY: That’s not the same day!
[ Curly closes the porthole and takes off his coat and hat ]
CURLY: Hmm!
[ Curly opens the porthole again and sticks his tongue out ]
CURLY: MMMM!
[ Curly gets splashed by a lot of water ]
CURLY: Hmm! [ closes the porthole ] That’s the same day!
[ Moe walks up to Curly ]
MOE: What are ya takin’ a shower this time of the day for?! [ pulls Curly’s ear ] Come on!
[ Outside of a radio control room on the ship, an officer walks out of it. Dungen notices him leaving, then looks around to make sure nobody else is watching. He sneaks into the room, then closes and locks the door. He sits down in front of a submarine control board and pushes some of the buttons on it, which make a loud squeaking noise. He picks up a microphone and speaks into it. ]
DUNGEN: [ speaking German ]
[ Sailors inside an enemy submarine listen to Dungen’s orders over the loudspeaker ]
[ Back in the room the Stooges are in, Moe continues to drag Curly by the ear as Larry walks with them ]
MOE: Come onnnn!
CURLY: OW!!
[ Moe releases Curly’s ear and the Stooges rest next to a wall ]
MOE: Brainless! We’re stuck!
[ Sailors in the enemy submarine launch a torpedo towards the S.S. Dotty. The torpedo crashes through the wall next to the Stooges and stops right in front of their feet. ]
ALL STOOGES: Nyaaah-aaaaah-aaaah!
CURLY: A whale! Look at the size of that whale! It’s a whale of a whale!!
MOE: Shut up!! Stop talkin’ to it! Let’s kill it!
[ Moe and Curly each pick up an axe ]
CURLY: I’ll beat its brains out!
[ Moe and Curly swing their axes into the torpedo, resulting in an instant huge explosion ]
[ After the smoke clears, we see the Stooges now on a small raft in the sea. They each have full-grown beards. The small puppy from earlier is tied to the raft and pulling it by swimming. Moe is looking around through a pair of binoculars. Curly is eating from a can of beans.]
CURLY: If I ever see a can of beans again, why-- [ holds his stomach ] OOMP!!
[ A ringing sound is heard in the distance ]
MOE: I hear a bell.
[ The camera shows a large ship near the Stooges ]
[ Camera dissolves inside the ship; Dungen is dressed in an officer uniform and walks into the German captain’s office. They both salute. ]
DUNGEN: Heil Hitler!
CAPTAIN: Heil Hitler! Why are we stall, Lieutenant Dungen?!
DUNGEN: Number 3 propeller chop is frozen, Herr Capitan. It takes about three hours to fix it.
[ The Stooges spot the ship in the distance from their raft ]
LARRY: There’s the ship! Anchor’s over there! Se--
MOE: [ to the puppy ] Come on, Fido, full speed ahead! And hamburgers are waiting!
[ The puppy swims faster ]
ALL STOOGES: Mush! Mush!
CURLY: Ha ha ha ha!
MOE: Full speed!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with the Stooges climbing into the ship by a net hanging from the side of the ship. Curly has the puppy on his shoulders. ]
MOE: What a break. We’re saved!
CURLY: Oh, boy! We’ll have chicken and dumplings! Ha ha ha!
LARRY: [ looking around ] Where is everybody?
MOE: I’ll find out.
[ Moe puts his hand next to his mouth and is about to yell, but Larry points behind Moe ]
LARRY: Look!
[ Moe and Curly look and see a lifesaver hanging behind them which says “S.S. SHICKELGRUBER” and has a Nazi swastika on it ]
MOE: A disguised raider!
[ The Stooges crouch down on the ground ]
LARRY: We gotta use the old bean!
CURLY: [ covers his mouth ] MMPH! I couldn’t look another bean in the face!
[ Moe whacks the back of Curly’s head ]
CURLY: OHHH!
MOE: [ whispering ] Shaddup! We gotta get into Nazi uniforms somehow. If we’re discovered, we’re lost!
CURLY: You’re crazy! If we’re discovered, we’re found!
MOE: Why-- [ nosehonks Curly ]
CURLY: OOH!
MOE: [ whispering ] Shh! Quiet! Go on!
[ The Stooges crawl over closer to a nearby door, and the puppy does the same ]
[ As the Stooges stand up, they hear footsteps ]
MOE: Shh! Here comes somebody! Get in there, quick!
[ Moe grabs a stick, then the puppy and the Stooges hide inside of the door ]
[ A sailor walks down the stairs and marches near the door while carrying a rifle. Moe sneaks up behind him and knocks the top of the sailor’s hard helmet with the stick. ]
SAILOR #1: What is das???
[ The sailor takes off his helmet, then Moe knocks him on the top of the head with the stick ]
SAILOR #1: Ohhh! [ faints on the floor ]
MOE: Ha ha ha ha ha!
[ Curly and Larry walk next to Moe ]
MOE: This guy’s clothes will just fit me!
CURLY: What about us?!
MOE: Go get somebody for yourself! [ leaves ]
LARRY: Oh, a hoarder, eh?!
CURLY: Well, hoarders is hoarders!
[ Curly and Larry each grab a stick, then duck inside the door when they hear two sailors approaching ]
SAILOR #2: I spoke to the captain today. Oh, he was wonderful! He told me I was a good boy!
SAILOR #3: Hmm, das is good!
[ The sailors stop in front of the door, then turn their backs on each other and each take out a cigarette ]
SAILOR #2: I’m gonna have a nice--
SAILOR #3: Well, I have cigarette!
[ Larry steps outside of the door and kicks Sailor #2 in the behind, then ducks back into the room ]
SAILOR #2: [ to Sailor #3 ] What did you kick me for?!
SAILOR #3: I didn’t kick you!
SAILOR #2: [ suspiciously ] No?
[ Both sailors turn their backs to each other again. Curly and Larry step outside of the door and kick both sailors in the behind, then hide back in the room. ]
SAILOR #3: [ to Sailor #2 ] So… you kick me!
SAILOR #2: I didn’t kick you!
SAILOR #3: You did kick--
[ Sailor #3 punches Sailor #2 in the face, then they both fight each other and roll around on the floor. Curly and Larry step out of the room, see the soldiers fighting, then whack them both on the head with a stick, knocking them out. ]
CURLY: [ shaking Larry’s hand ] Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with the Stooges peeking out from inside the room. They are all dressed in the sailor uniforms they stole. When they see the coast is clear, they step out of the room. ]
MOE: So far, so go--
[ Suddenly, Dungen walks past the Stooges. The Stooges, not recognizing him yet, salute their hands. Dungen salutes back as he walks away. When he’s gone, the Stooges wave their hands mockingly at Dungen, then they do a double-take when they realize who he is. ]
LARRY: If that ain’t Dungen, then I’m a bilge pump!
MOE: It’s him, alright, and he’s a Nazi officer!
CURLY: Lucky we got these beards. He didn’t recognize us.
MOE: Yeah, we better scram before he gets back.
CURLY: Yeah, I’d like to scram in some breakfast. I’m starved!
MOE: [ waving his hand ] Ahhh!
[ Moe and Larry walk away. Curly walks in a different direction and accidentally bumps stomach-first into a petty officer. ]
PETTY OFFICER: You dumbkopf!! Just for that, you go forward and polish the cannon und you get no breakfast!
CURLY: Oh, please, not that! I’m starved… see?
PETTY OFFICER: Ya… I don’t see! [ kick’s Curly’s behind ]
CURLY: OHHH! OHH! [ holds his stomach ]
[ The petty officer drags Curly to the cannon and pushes Curly’s toward the cannon, causing Curly to bonk his head it ]
PETTY OFFICER: Now, loafer, you clean that gun! I come back and inspect it after breakfast!
[ The officer tosses a large cannon swab over to Curly and Curly quickly catches it ]
CURLY: OOP!
PETTY OFFICER: Get busy!
[ Curly stands the swab in front of him, then holds it over his shoulder ]
CURLY: Hup… hup… hup!
[ Curly turns around and accidentally bonks the swab into the officer’s head ]
PETTY OFFICER: OOOOHH!!
[ Curly shuffles his feet backwards, then puts down the swab ]
PETTY OFFICER: You swinehundt! You clean that gun, or I throw you in irons! [ leaves ]
[ Moe and Larry rush up behind Curly ]
MOE: Psst… psst!
[ Curly turns to Moe and Larry ]
MOE: Don’t worry, kid. We’ll smuggle some grub for ya.
CURLY: Oh, boy! Make it turkey and ham, and candied sweet potatoes on the side, and hot-buttered biscuits and honey, and smother the whole thing in fried chicken… but no beans!
[ Moe sarcastically nods his head ]
LARRY: It’s in the bag!
MOE: [ salutes ] Aye-aye, Admiral!
[ Moe waves his fist around Curly’s face and Curly follows it, then Moe bonks Curly’s head ]
CURLY: OHHH!!
MOE: Go on, I’ll murder ya!
[ Moe and Larry leave ]
CURLY: Hmmm! [ a beat ] But I don’t care! Ha ha! I’m gonna eat!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with Curly scrubbing the cannon while humming to himself. Moe sneaks up next to Curly while holding a plate behind him and searches around to make sure nobody’s watching. When the coast is clear, Moe taps Curly. ]
MOE: Hey, I bought you some food.
CURLY: Oh, good! Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!! Ahh ha ha--
[ Moe hands Curly a plate of beans ]
CURLY: Aww, this is beans again! Listen, you!
MOE: Quiet! That’s all the goose-steppin’ heels have got.
[ Larry sneaks over to Curly ]
LARRY: Psst! I bought you some breakfast!
CURLY: [ to Moe ] That’s what I call a pal! Roast turkey, stuffed grits… oh, I love it!
[ Larry hands Curly a plate of beans ]
CURLY: NYAAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAH!! Beans! That’s all I get is beans, beeeeans!!
LARRY: Shhh! [ points off-camera ] Here comes the petty officer again!
MOE: Quick - ditch the beans!
[ The Stooges look around for a place to hide the beans. Moe notices the back of the cannon is open. ]
MOE: Here.
[ Moe takes one of the plates of beans and swipes the beans inside the back of the cannon. ]
CURLY: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[ When Moe is finished, he hands Curly the empty plate and takes Curly’s other plate of beans. While Moe swipes the beans in the back of the cannon, Curly hides the first empty plate up the back of his shirt. ]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
[ Moe finishes with the second plate and hands the empty plate to Curly. Curly stuffs that plate up the back of his shirt as well. Moe and Curly quickly continue scrubbing the cannon casually to make it look like nothing happened. ]
CURLY: [ singing ] La leeee-eee
in Alabammy
I’m humming to the be--
[ The petty officer walks up to Curly ]
PETTY OFFICER: Hey!! Did you clean that gun?!
CURLY: I wouldn’t be surprised.
PETTY OFFICER: I will look!
[ The officer walks up to the front of the cannon and puts his face up to it ]
PETTY OFFICER: Open that bridge!
[ Curly opens the back of the cannon, where a few beans fall out. Curly puts his hand over the opening and whistles nervously. ]
PETTY OFFICER: This gun is filthy, I tell you! Swab it out!! [ to Moe and Larry ] And you help him, too!
[ Moe and Larry nervously salute, as Curly picks up the swab. Moe helps Curly put the swab inside the back of the cannon. ]
PETTY OFFICER: Come on, come on! When I ask for service, give it to me!
CURLY: Okay, you asked for it!
[ Curly and Moe shove the swab further into the cannon, shoving the beans out the front of the cannon and all over the officer’s face. ]
PETTY OFFICER: OOOH! UGHHH! For this, I hang you to the mast!!
ALL STOOGES: Nyaaah-aaaah-aaaaah!
[ The Stooges notice Dungen walking nearby ]
MOE: Come on! Make yourself busy, quick!
[ The Stooges turn their backs on Dungen right before he walks up closer ]
DUNGEN: ATTENTION! What is los here?
[ The Stooges stand in front of Dungen ]
DUNGEN: [ salutes ] Heil Hitler!
[ The Stooges salute their hands, then Dungen turns away ]
ALL STOOGES: [ waving their hands mockingly ] Hang Hitler!
[ Dungen walks over to the petty officer, who’s trying to clean the beans off of his face ]
DUNGEN: So - that’s the way you waste our delicious beans! Why, you dumbkopf!
[ Curly is swabbing inside the back of the cannon ]
DUNGEN: [ off-camera ] I hope the captain didn’t see you!
[ Curly unknowingly bonks Moe on the chin with the handle of the swab ]
MOE: Ooh!
[ Curly unknowingly bonks Moe again several times with the swab handle, then pokes the handle into Moe’s eye and shakes the handle loudly. Moe grabs the handle and angrily pushes the swab forward, shoving more beans out of the front of the cannon and onto Dungen. ]
DUNGEN: Yeh-- [ to the officer ] That’s treason! That’s mutiny! I’ll have you hung… I’ll have you shot for that! Yeh-- [ salutes ] Heil Hitler!
PETTY OFFICER: [ salutes ] Heil Hitler!
DUNGEN: Yeh-- [ salutes ] Heil Hitler!
PETTY OFFICER: [ salutes ] Heil Hitler!
DUNGEN: Yeh-- [ salutes ] Heil Hitler!
PETTY OFFICER: [ salutes ] Heil Hitler!
DUNGEN: Yeh-- [ grabs the officer by the collar ] Heil nothing!
[ Dungen drags the officer away ]
PETTY OFFICER: Ohhhh! Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya--
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins inside of the captain’s office. Dungen and the petty officer are standing in front of his desk. ]
PETTY OFFICER: But Herr Capitan, I did not do it! It was those three new men!
CAPTAIN: What new men?! We have no new men!
[ The Stooges’ puppy crawls up to Dungen’s leg while making a whining sound ]
DUNGEN: Get out ta here! Yeh-- [ does a double-take ] That dog was on the American ship at Dotty! Americans! Spies! Call the Gestapo!! Call all hands!!
[ The Stooges hear a whistle loudly blowing ]
LARRY: What’s cookin’???
MOE: It’s our hash… that’s the general alarm!
CURLY AND LARRY: Nyaaaah-aaaah-aaaaah!
[ The Stooges dash down nearby steps and run around a pole. Curly and Larry accidentally bump into each other. ]
CURLY: OOH!
[ Moe stands in front of Curly and holds him back ]
MOE: Outta the way! Outta the way, will ya!
CURLY: Hmm!
[ Dungen walks over to the Stooges ]
MOE: Hey!
CURLY: Nyaah!
DUNGEN: Now I know you, you American swines!!
[ Moe looks next to himself and notices a rope holding a large net above ]
DUNGEN: [ off-camera ] Here they are!! Come and get them, on the double, quick! Hurry! Dumbkopfs! Come on!!
MOE: Hey, Blubberhead! [ holds up his eyepoking fingers ] See those?
DUNGEN: Ya?
[ Moe pokes Dungen in the eyes ]
DUNGEN: OHHHH!! Why, you swinehundt!
[ Dungen swings his sword at Moe and Curly, but they duck and his sword chops the rope holding the net. The net begins falling. ]
[ The petty officer and many other sailors walk into the scene ]
PETTY OFFICER: Come on, you loafers!
[ Curly head-butts Dungen in the stomach, knocking him back into the officer and sailors. Suddenly, the net from above falls on top of them, trapping them as they all scream. The Stooges run up to them, and Curly bonks several of the soldiers on the head. ]
[ The scene dissolves to the Stooges finishing tying up all the netted sailors into a large bag as we hear their muffled screams inside. ]
[ The Stooges begin rolling the bag on the floor towards a corner. Moe sadistically kicks one side of the bag, then continues rolling the bag. When the Stooges are done, they all huddle and come up with a plan. Then Curly goes off to one side of the ship, while Larry and Moe stand next to an open door. Larry grabs a stick. ]
MOE: [ inside the door ] Hey, you limburger-destroyers! Come on up here!
[ A sailor walks out and Moe sticks his tongue at him. Curly swing a ship harness over to the sailor’s head and knocks him out, then the harness swings back at Curly and he catches it. Moe picks up the unconscious sailor and carries him off-camera. Larry runs up to where Moe was standing and writes a tally mark on the wall with chalk. Moe runs back up to the outside of the door. ]
MOE: Hey, you skunks! There’s the beginning of the second front!
[ A sailor walks out ]
MOE: [ speaking fake German ]
[ Curly swings the harness over to the sailor’s head and knocks him out, then the harness swings back and bumps into Curly’s stomach. ]
CURLY: OH! Ooh! HMMM!
[ Moe picks up the unconscious sailor and carries him off-camera. Larry runs up to the wall and writes a third tally mark on it. Moe runs back up to the outside of the door, while another sailor is sneaking up behind Curly, ready to hit him with a stick. ]
[ A sailor walks out of the door up to Larry. Curly swings the harness backwards a bit, knocking out the soldier behind him, then swings the harness forward and knocks out the soldier next to Larry. Larry picks up the sailor and carries him off-camera. Moe runs up to the wall and writes a fourth tally. ]
MOE: [ inside the door ] Okay, skunks, come on!
[ The sailor who was behind Curly gets up from the floor, while another soldier walks out the door. Moe pokes the sailor in the eyes. ]
SAILOR #4: Ooh!
[ Curly swings the harness backwards a bit, knocking out the sailor behind him again, then swings the harness forward and knocks out the sailor next to Moe. Moe picks up the sailor and carries him off-camera. The sailor behind Curly gets up once again, while Larry runs up to the wall and writes a fifth tally. A tall, heavy soldier walks out the door. ]
[ Curly swings the harness backwards, knocking out the sailor behind him a third time, then swings the harness forward and knocks out the heavy sailor next to Larry. Larry tries picks up the sailor, but the sailor’s too big so he falls on top of Larry. ]
LARRY: OH-OH! AUUUGHHH!! MOE!! OHH!!
[ Moe runs up to the wall and writes down five extra tallies for that one soldier alone, then turns to help Larry ]
MOE: Take it easy, kid! Ya got the limit! [ begins lifting the large soldier ] Ohh, boy! Easy, a German whale! Come on!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with Moe and Larry finishing with piling the unconscious sailors on top of each other. ]
LARRY: Success!
MOE: We need one more to make the pile even. Come on, we’ll get another one.
[ Inside the captain’s office, the captain is yelling loudly at three officers ]
CAPTAIN: Cannot my whole ship’s company capture three men?!
OFFICER #1: But Herr Capitan, these are Americans!
[ The Stooges overhear the conversation ]
LARRY: We gotta get rid of that captain and his officers!
MOE: Yeah, we gotta use strategy.
CURLY: We can’t use nobody! There’s only three of us!
MOE: Be quiet! [ a beat ] I got it!
CURLY: You better have it, or we’ll get it!
MOE: Shut up!
CURLY: [ sticking out his tongue ] MMMM!
[ Moe grabs Curly’s tongue ]
CURLY: NNNN-NNNN-NNN!
MOE: [ grabbing Larry’s hair ] Come on!
[ Moe drags Curly and Larry away ]
[ The scene dissolves over to the captain’s office where he is continuing to yell at his officers ]
CAPTAIN: Such officers! What would the Fuhrer say if he heard about this? Three Americans makin’ fools of a whole shipload of Germans!
[ Suddenly, the Stooges burst in the office. Moe is disguised as Hitler, and Curly and Larry are dressed as his Nazi assistants. The captain immediately stands up from his chair. ]
CAPTAIN AND OFFICERS: [ saluting ] Heil Hitler!
MOE: [ yelling in fake German ]
[ The camera shows a close-up of the bag Larry’s carrying, which says “MINISTER OF PROPAGANDA - SPECIALIST IN LIES AND BUNK” ]
MOE: You fail to catch three spies! Blow out your brains!
CAPTAIN: But Mein Fuhrer, we are Nazis - we have no brains!
MOE: Then what you got, blow out!
CAPTAIN: Heil Hitler!
MOE: Hein Hitler! [ points at Curly ] When my Field Marshal counts three, start blowing!
CAPTAIN AND OFFICERS: Heil Hitler!
CURLY: One…!
[ The captain and officers hold out their guns ]
CURLY: [ pauses ] What comes after one?
MOE: [ spitting ] Two!
CURLY: Ooh!
MOE: Never mind, fat boy! I count myself!
[ The captain and officers put their guns back down ]
MOE: One…!
[ The captain and officers hold back up their guns again ]
MOE: Two…! T-- T-- T-- Hai-- Hai-- ACHOOO!!
[ Moe’s fake Hitler moustache accidentally comes off ]
MOE: Heil Hitler!
[ The captain picks up Moe’s moustache off the desk and hands it back to him ]
CAPTAIN: Ah, Mein Fuhrer!
MOE: Oh, my personality! Thanks, buddy! [ puts the moustache on ]
[ The captain points the gun to his own head, then suddenly gets a shocked expression when he realizes what just happened ]
ALL STOOGES: Nyaaah-aaaaah-aaaaaah!
CAPTAIN: GET ‘EM!!!
[ The Stooges run towards the door and the officers begin chasing them. Curly turns around and stomach-butts one of the officers, knocking him backwards into the captain, who falls back into a couch. A flower vase above him falls loose and shatters on his head. ]
[ Outside the captain’s room, Curly is holding the door shut so the officers can’t get out. Meanwhile, Moe picks up a can marked “FLOOR OIL”. ]
MOE: Hey, porcupine, get the… mop, quick!
[ Larry picks up the mop and Moe pours the floor oil all over the floor. Larry mops the oil around. ]
[ The officers inside the room pull the door so far, that Curly on the other side gets pulled forward and accidentally bumps his head on the door ]
[ After Moe’s done with the floor oil, he takes apart a piece of the ship’s gate, leaving a big opening in front of the door ]
MOE: Okay, let ‘em come!
[ Curly releases the door and stands to the side with Moe and Larry. The officers run out of the room and immediately slip down on the wet floor. ]
OFFICERS: UHH!!
[ The officers slide through the missing ship gate and fall off ]
OFFICERS: OOHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
[ A loud splash is heard off-camera, followed by lots of water splashing up into the Stooges faces ]
MOE: Why, you… N-- Ratzies!! [ to the other Stooges ] Look out!
[ Moe drops the ship gate down in the water on the soldiers ]
OFFICERS: [ off-camera ] AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
MOE AND LARRY: [ shaking hands ] Success! [ remove their hats ] Success! Heel!
[ Moe and Larry both salute their hand and accidentally bonk each other’s head ]
MOE AND LARRY: OOH!
THE END
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