Lobby Cards: The Classic Comedies (The Michael Hawks Collection: Volume II)
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Transcribed By: xraffle
Date Added: 2008-07-31
[The short fades in and we see Moe and Larry playing poker. Rather than using poker chips to place bets, they are using mini pancakes.]
LARRY: How many?
MOE: Three.
LARRY: [gives Moe three cards from the deck] I’ll take the same.
MOE: I bet two. [Takes two of his pancakes from his plate and places it in the center plate]
LARRY: I’ll see those two and I’ll raise you five. [Takes five of his pancakes from his plate and places it in the center plate]
MOE: I better win today. I haven’t had breakfast in a week.
LARRY: Well the best man always wins.
MOE: Well there’s four. [looks at his pancakes on his plates] Hey! I need some more chips. [yells to Curly]
CURLY: [singing while he’s flipping the pancakes] Na nee na nee na nee. Na nee na.
MOE: Hurry up with those chips!!
[Curly uses a fork to remove the last pancake from the cooking pan. He puts it on Moe’s plate]
CURLY: I’m getting sick and tired of making chips for you guys. I gotta get busy for my radio contest. [sits down with Moe and Larry and prepares with pen and paper to write a slogan] Roses are red. And violets are blue. Try Stick Fast glue…and you’ll be stuck to. I got it. Oh boy! If I get the best slogan, I’ll make a lot of money. Yaaahh!
MOE: Oh, you’re crazy. You’ve been sending those things in for weeks. Nobody ever wins those.
LARRY: Yeah, why don’t you play cards and improve your mind. What there is of it.
CURLY: [Gives Larry an annoyed hand gesture and a look] See the money I get! [takes the paper and uses the “Stick Fast” glue to seal it in an envelope]
MOE: There’s that chip I call. What do ya got? [puts his last pancake on the center plate]
LARRY: Just four Aces. [shows his cards]
MOE: [slams his cards on the table showing it to Larry] And me with four Kings again.
LARRY: Well, it must be beginner’s luck. [takes the full plate of pancakes from the center of the table and gets ready to eat them]
MOE: I can’t understand it. Everyday you have beginner’s luck.
LARRY: [stands up to get something from the table] Well, it’s just one of those things---
[Moe looks under Larry’s seat and sees a bunch of Aces hidden there. He grabs Larry by the hair]
MOE: You wanna cheat, cheat fair. Anything I hate is a crooked crook. [holding onto Larry’s hair, he shakes him and a bunch of Aces fall out of his pocket]
[Moe slaps Larry away]
LARRY: Ow!
MOE: Haha. My beginner’s luck! Haha. [takes the pancakes from Larry’s spot on the table and gets ready to eat them]
[Moe grabs the container of stick fast glue thinking it’s syrup. He pours it all over the pancakes and starts eating. Before the pancake can fully get into his mouth, his jaws get stuck. Moe can’t open his mouth and half of the pancake is sticking out of it. Moe tries to open his mouth but can’t. He tries to pry it open with a utensil but he still can’t get it open it. He grabs the glue container and sees the label.]
MOE: Mmm. Mmmm. Mmmmm. Mmmmmm.
CURLY: What’s the matter?
LARRY: His jaws are stuck.
CURLY: Good, now he can’t talk back to.
MOE: Mmmm.
CURLY: Ruff!
LARRY: Wait a minute. Come here.
[Larry tries to pull open Moe’s mouth with his hands but can’t]
MOE: Mm mm mmm. Mmmm. Mmmmm. [Larry pulls the pancake that’s sticking out of Moe’s mouth. He then let’s go and it smacks Moe in the mouth] Mppp.
[Moe slaps Larry]
CURLY: Maybe it’s something he ate.
LARRY: Sure, it’s those pancakes.
CURLY: Aw, not my pancakes. [grabs the pancakes and starts eating it]
MOE: Mmmm.
CURLY: Mmmm.
CURLY: I admit the pancakes ain’t so good, but the syrup is delicious. [grabs a spoon and starts eating the “syrup” only]
MOE: Mmm mmm.
LARRY: [with boiling water in his hands] I got it. Hot water always melts glue.
MOE: Mmmm. Mmmm.
LARRY: Wait a minute! What’s the matter with you? Ungrateful. [holds onto Moe and pours the hot water on Moe’s face]
MOE: Ahhhh! [Moe’s mouth frees open] What do you think I am? A lobster? Trying to boil me alive.
LARRY: Well, hot water always melts----
[Moe slaps Larry and Larry ends up being pushed back. He hits the door, the water spills, and he falls on the hot water]
LARRY: Ohh! Ah!
[Curly is holding the spoon inside his mouth. He pours himself some more “syrup” and when he tries to get the spoon out of his mouth, he realizes it’s stuck]
CURLY: Hmm. Hmm. Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmm.
MOE: What’s the mater with you?
[Curly points to the pancakes]
MOE: Didn’t you know it was glue.
CURLY: Hmm.
[Moe tries to pull the spoon out of Curly’s mouth, but can’t]
MOE: Hey porcupine, give me a hand.
[Larry comes over.]
MOE: Wait a minute! Sit down. [Curly sits] Get a good grip on him. [tells Larry]
[Moe jiggles the spoon up and down]
CURLY: Mmmm. Mmmm.
[Moe ends up breaking the spoon, but he thinks he took everything out]
MOE: Well that’s that.
CURLY: Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. [Tries to signal to Moe that the whole spoon isn’t out of his mouth]
MOE: [looks at his hands and realizes the spoon is broken] What d’ya bite it off for?
[Moe tries to pull Curly’s mouth open, but can’t. He slaps Curly’s face]
MOE: Ah! Wait a minute now. Hold him. [walks off-camera]
[Moe comes back and he now has pliers in his hand]
MOE: Say “ah” and I’ll have it out before you can say “ooh.”
CURLY: Hmmm.
[Moe and Larry get an annoyed look on their face]
CURLY: Ahh! [opens his mouth]
MOE: I’ll get it in the back. [tries to get the other end of the spoon out of Curly’s mouth with the pliers]
LARRY: Let me see this. [walks behind Moe]
MOE: Why didn’t you think of this useless? [looks at Larry]
CURLY: [as Moe is pulling on his mouth] Ohhh!
CURLY: Mmmm ah!
[Moe yanks something out and he thinks it is the spoon]
MOE: There you are--- [looks at the pliers and see that he yanked Curly’s tooth] Nyahhh! Why don’t you hold still? Now I got to start all over again. I’ll get that thing yet.
LARRY: Yeah, if his teeth hold out.
CURLY: Hmmm. I’ll do it myself. [grabs the pliers from Moe]
CURLY: [tries to yank out the spoon with the pliers himself] Ahh! Ahh! Uhh! Uhh!
[Curly pulled out the spoon and he accidentally hits Moe’s face when pulling. As Moe gets hit, he throws his head back in pain and he accidentally hits his head against Larry’s]
MOE: Oh!
CURLY: I got it! [looks at the pliers]
MOE: You got it again! [slaps Curly]
CURLY: Oh!
[Curly gets pushed back and hits the wall. He gives an annoying gesture to Moe, but he suddenly looks at the clock]
CURLY: Oh boy, I hope I win this contest. [turns on the radio and music is playing]
[Moe and Larry approach Curly]
CURLY: [to Moe] It’s a good thing it’s time for the coffin nail cigarette program or I’d---
RADIO ANNOUNCER: That concludes the musical portion of our program. And now ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the coffin nail cigarette contest. The first prize of fifty thousand dollars goes to Mr. Curly Howard. Of eleven twenty-two Lily Flower Terrace, New York City.
CURLY: Who did you say?
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Curly Howard.
CURLY: Oh! Thanks toots! Nyaah!
MOE: That’s you, ain’t it?
CURLY: Soitenly. Oh boy! I’m rich.
LARRY: At last we can live like gentlemen.
CURLY: Pie a la mode. With beer chasers three times a day.
MOE: Let’s go places and buy things. Come on.
CURLY: Oh wait for the money man now.
[The stooges approach the table]
MOE: A toast. [grabs a glass from the table]
LARRY: A toast. [also grabs a glass]
CURLY: A toast. [tries to grab a glass but he realizes there’s no more] Hmm. Roses are red, violets are blue, there’s no glass for me so hotcakes to you. Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk. [Moe and Larry each take a pancake and smash it on Curly’s face] Oh! Hmm!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins. We see a sign that says “Hotel Coste Plente”]
[The camera now shows the inside of the stooges’ hotel room. The manager is showing them around. The stooges are in black suits, wearing top hats, holding canes, and smoking big cigars]
CURLY: Hmm. This ain’t a bad looking dump.
MOE: Reminds me of the penthouse we were thrown out of.
LARRY: [picks up the phone] Send up a couple of cases of champagne. [hangs up phone]
HOTEL MANAGER: Gentlemen. The furnishings in this room are of great value. Now for instance, uh. [turns around and picks up the vase] Oh this vase. Is valued at five thousand dollars.
[The stooges whistle in amazement]
HOTEL MANAGER: And over here. [walks towards the bed] This bed goes back to Henry the Eighth.
CURLY: That’s nothing. We had a bed that went back to Sears Roebuck the Third. Hmm.
MOE: Hahaha! Always kidding. [pinches Curly’s cheek] Haha. [slaps Curly’s face]
HOTEL MANAGER: And now gentlemen. If there’s anything more, I will gladly serve you personally. Good day.
[The stooges remove their hats and bow to the manager, but they end up bumping their heads together]
MOE, LARRY, AND CURLY: Oh!
CURLY: Hmm! Hmm.
[Moe and Curly sword fight with their cigars. Curly backs into a door, so he opens it. When he opens it, we see the bathtub]
CURLY: Oh look. A rowboat.
LARRY: A rowboat? You’re crazy. That’s a horse trough.
MOE: Horse trough, rowboat! In a hotel? That’s a bathtub, you imbeciles. Go take a bath. [tells Larry]
LARRY: But it ain’t spring yet.
MOE: Oh yes it is. See the pretty grass? [points to the ground]
LARRY: Where? [bends down to look for the “grass”]
[When Larry bends down, Moe puts his foot on Larry’s rear and pushes him inside. Curly shuts the door]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk---
MOE: You’re next.
CURLY: But I had a bath.
MOE: When?
CURLY: July 4th 1910. I was too young to fight about it then.
MOE: What are ya gonna do about it now?
CURLY: Take a bath.
MOE: [turns around and walks up to the bed] Ah! Well, a triple bed! Just what we need.
CURLY: I want the upper birth. You get less air. [points upwards]
MOE: Yeah.
[Moe bends down to prepare his bed]
CURLY: How am I gonna get up there? Where’s the ladder, I--- [Sees Moe bent down] Oh!
[Curly walks to the other end of the room and gets ready to run]
CURLY: Hmmm! Hmmm!
[Curly runs towards the bed, steps on Moe’s back and gets up on the top birth of the bed. Moe gets up wondering what happened]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk. I ought to be able to sleep up here for a week. This bed is so soft. Leave me a call for Wednesday will ya. [lays down] Nyuk nyuk. [the bed collapses right on top of Moe] Ow!
MOE: Oh!
CURLY: Ah! Ohhhh ho ho!
MOE: [stuck in between the bed] Ow! I’ll murder you for this.
CURLY: What happened?
MOE: Get this Henry the Eighth off my neck.
CURLY: I don’t know what happened to you. [throws up the part of bed that’s on top of him, but it hits him in the head] Oh! Hmm.
[The camera cuts to Larry who is in the bathtub. He has balloons tied to himself to help him float. He is reading a newspaper as he smokes his big cigar.]
LARRY: Hey! Quiet you guys!
[As Larry reads the newspaper, he turns his head, his cigar pops one of the balloons and he sinks in the tub]
[The camera cuts to Moe and Curly who just got out from under the broken bed]
CURLY: Oh!
MOE: What are you trying to do? Break my neck?
CURLY: Your neck? Look at my hat! It is broke. [shows his broken top hat]
MOE: So it is. I’ll fix it.
CURLY: Oh! Thanks!
[Moe takes the hat, puts it over Curly’s face and punches him. The hat now has a hole in it]
CURLY: Oh!
[Curly grabs the hat away and puts it over his face. Moe pokes Curly’s eyes through the hole in the hat]
CURLY: Oh!
[Curly grabs a pair of gloves and tries to slap Moe with it, but Moe grabs the gloves away. He then hits Curly in the face with the gloves and he gives them back. Curly decides not to fight back. Then we hear a knock on the door.]
[The scene ends and a new scene begins. The room service man is in the room and he just brought in a cart full of champagne.]
CURLY: Oh sodie pop. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
MOE: Oh uh here! [searches his pocket]
MOE: Here what I have to tell ya. He’s gonna give you a tip. [points to Curly]
[Curly lifts up one of his trousers, grabs a coin and throws it up in the air. Moe catches it and is about to put it in his pocket. He then decides to give it to the room service man.]
MOE: Oh uh here! [gives the coin to the room service man.]
ROOM SERVICE MAN: Huh!!!
[The room service man gives an annoyed gesture and walks out the door. The camera cuts to the hallway where we see the man walk out. A woman stops him.]
GIRL #1: Oh pardon me. Could you tell me which room is occupied by the gentlemen who won the cigarette contest?
ROOM SERVICE MAN: That room at the end, Miss. [points to the room down the hall]
GIRL #1: Thank you!
[Girl #1 walks into her room. The camera cuts to the inside of the room where we see two of her friends. A monkey is there sitting on the table]
GIRL #1: Gee kids! We’re in luck. That fifty thousand bucks is down the hall just waiting for mamma.
GIRL #2: Oh that’s swell. Now see if we got it right. We pretend we’re three rich widows.
GIRL #3: We meet the goofs, make them propose to us and marry them.
GIRL #1: Right. Then we get their dough and give ‘em the ozone. That’s what the hotel manager will give us if we don’t get some dough.
[The monkey makes some monkey noises]
GIRL #1: [to the monkey] Alright, Darwin. Now you go next door and get lost and we’ll come and find you. Run along!
[The monkey walks out the window]
[The camera cuts to the inside of the stooges’ room. Curly is pulling open a bottle of champagne]
CURLY: Hey! You better order some more. We only got four left. [Pulls the cork out of the bottle]
[The camera cuts to the other end of the room where we see the monkey come in through the window. It walks up behind the broken bed]
[Curly drinks the entire bottle of champagne. After he drinks it, we hear it rolling and sloshing.]
CURLY: This bottle sounds flat.
MOE: Try another.
[Curly grabs another bottle and shakes it]
CURLY: I’ll sharpen this one up. Nyuk nyuk. [singing] Na nee na nee na.
[The champagne bottle bursts open and the champagne is bursting out. Curly quickly puts his mouth over the bottle and the champagne comes out of his ears]
CURLY: Boy! Did I sharpen that bottle! Nyuk nyuk nyuk [sees the monkey by the bed]
CURLY: Moe! Moe, I got ‘em, I got ‘em. I’m seeing gorillas.
MOE: [looking angry] Don’t look at me when you say that.
CURLY: I got the D.T.’s. I’m seeing gorillas, I tell ya.
[The monkey quickly runs into Larry’s pants and jumps up and down inside of it]
MOE: Ah! You’re crazy. [Sees the pants moving]
MOE: The joint’s haunted. Look! The pants are walking.
CURLY: Maybe it’s ants.
[The pants stop moving. Larry comes out of the bathroom and he’s wearing a bathrobe.]
LARRY: What’s going on around here?
CURLY: His pants are walking and he ain’t in ‘em.
LARRY: Ah! You guys have been drinking. Pants are walking around--- [picks up his pants and gets bitten by the monkey] Ow!! My pants but me.
[The pants keep moving]
MOE: We better kill it.
[Curly grabs the vase and gets ready to throw it at the pants. Moe quickly stops him and grabs the vase away]
MOE: Wait a minute! Are you insane? That’s that five thousand dollar gadget. [Puts the vase back behind him where it was]
[Larry grabs a long wooden board]
LARRY: Here’s a board.
MOE: Give me that! [grabs the board away from Larry]
[Moe gets ready to strike the monkey in the pants. As soon as he gets ready to swing the board, he hits the vase that’s behind him by accident.]
MOE: Why didn’t you bring me a softer board. [looks at Larry]
[The hotel manager knocks on the door]
CURLY: [singing] Come in.
MOE: [singing] Come in.
LARRY: [singing] Come in.
[The hotel manager comes in and approaches the stooges]
HOTEL MANAGER: Gentlemen! This registered letter just arrived. I thought it might be important.
MOE: Thanks. [grabs the letter away from the manager]
[Larry grabs the letter away from Moe and Curly grabs it away from Larry]
CURLY: It’s the prize money. [Opens the letter and reads it]
HOTEL MANAGER: Why! What’s happened here? My bed!! My vase!!!
CURLY: Quiet, I can’t hear myself read.
[The camera cuts to the letter that Curly reads. The letter states that Curly won $50,000 but after tax deductions, he will only receive a check for $4.85]
CURLY: Nyah ah ah ah ah! [faints]
[As Curly faints, Larry grabs the check from Curly and looks at it]
LARRY: They’ll put us in jail. [faints]
[As Larry faints, Moe grabs the check]
HOTEL MANAGER: Did he say jail? [points to Larry on the floor]
MOE: No! Yale! He’s got a brother in college with two heads. They got him in a bottle. [looks at the check] Nyah ah ah! [almost faints but the hotel manager grabs him]
HOTEL MANAGER: What’s the matter? Is there something wrong.
MOE: No. [crushes the check to hide it from the manager] The figures stagger me.
HOTEL MANAGER: And so will your bill. [leaves the room]
MOE: Hey fellas! [Approaches Larry and Curly] Get up you fellas! It’s a fine time to take a nap.
LARRY: [Wakes up] Is he gone?
MOE: Yes, he’s gone. We gotta do something quick.
MOE: [taps Curly but he can’t wake him up] Hey! Hey!
[Moe and Larry each grab Curly’s ear and they pull him up]
CURLY: Nyah ah! Ahh!
MOE: They’ll put us in jail for this. We gotta get outta here quick. Come on.
[The stooges run up to the door so they can quickly get out, but they hear the manager talking, so they stop]
[The camera cuts to the hallway where we see the manager talking to a detective]
HOTEL MANAGER: There’s something peculiar about those men in there. Keep your eye on them. I’m going to down to make up a bill they’ll never forget.
DETECTIVE: Alright boss!
[The camera cuts to the inside of the hotel room]
MOE: What are we gonna do now?
CURLY: I got it.
MOE: Give!
[The stooges huddle and the scene ends]
[A new scene begins in the hallway where we see the detective outside the stooges’ room lighting his cigar. Moe, dressed up as a tall Indian covered in a long blanket, exits the room.]
MOE: [As he passes by the detective] How!
CURLY: [from under the blanket] Swell! How are ya doing?
[Moe kicks Curly under the blanket]
CURLY: Oh!
DETECTIVE: What was that?
MOE: Me no savvy. Me loan wolf. Me toddle other way. [walks towards the room]
[The detective steps on the blanket and we see that Moe is standing on top of Larry and Curly. They quickly run back to their room]
MOE: Nyah!
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo woo..
LARRY: [to the detective] How!
MOE: [to the detective] How!
CURLY: [to the detective] Ruff!
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo woo woo!
[Curly closes the door after running back inside their room]
[The detective looks through the keyhole. From inside the room, Curly looks through the same keyhole on the other side.]
CURLY: Nyah! Ruff!
[Grabs a fountain pen]
CURLY: Hmm! [Squirts the fountain pen through the keyhole]
DETECTIVE: [Ink squirts in his eye] Oh. Oof! Uhh!
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
MOE: What d’ya do now?
CURLY: I just dotted his eye.
[The camera cuts to the hallway where we see the detective with his eye all messed up from the ink]
DETECTIVE: I’ll see the manager about this.
[The detective leaves and the three women who are after the stooges’ money approach the door]
GIRL #1: Now remember girls. We gotta make ‘em propose to us right away.
GIRL #3: Couldn’t we just marry the money without them?
GIRL #1: Quiet, Cleopatra! [knocks on the door]
LARRY: It’s that darn detective again. He won’t go away.
MOE: Oh he won’t eh! Quick! Man the buckets.
CURLY: Wooo! Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk.
[Larry and Curly grab the champagne buckets that are full of water]
MOE: Are you ready? Give!!
[Moe opens the door, Larry and Curly throw the water outside, and the girls gets splashed with water]
GIRLS: Ohh!
MOE: Gee girls. We thought it was somebody else. Come on in.
[The girls walk in all soaking wet]
GIRL #1: Is this the way you always receive a kiss?
MOE: No! Honest girls, we’re sorry!
GIRL #2: We’re looking for our pet monkey. Have you seen him?
LARRY: Oh, so that’s what’s running around here?
CURLY: Say! What’s that monkey got that I ain’t got.
MOE: A longer tail.
CURLY: I--- [looks at Moe in a shocked manner]
GIRL #1: Oh I do hope he’s not hurt. He’s the only ray of sunshine left in the lives of three lonely widows.
GIRL #2: He’s the only happiness we have. With all our millions.
CURLY: [looking surprised] Did you say millions?
GIRL #3: Yes, just a few. And we’re so so lonely.
MOE: Oh, what you girls need is a husband.
GIRLS: Oh, this is so sudden. Darling.
[The girls grab the stooges, kiss them, and let them go making the stooges fall to the floor]
CURLY: Woo woo woo.
LARRY: You mean you’ll marry us.
CURLY: With the millions?
GIRLS: Yes.
MOE: It’s a deal.
[The stooges get up from the floor]
MOE: We’re the monkeys you girls are looking for.
CURLY: Change those weeds for some glad rags.
GIRL #1: Oh, it’ll take a minute. We’ll be right back.
[The girls leave the room]
MOE: You change your mind we’ll sue you for habeas corpus. [closes the door]
LARRY: We’re back in the money again!
[The monkey makes some noise and waves the letter at them]
MOE: Look at that monkey. He’s got the letter. We better get it away from him before the girls find out we’re broke.
[The stooges chase after the monkey but it runs outside the window. Moe closes the window]
MOE: We’ll we’re rid of him.
[The camera cuts to the inside of the girls’ room where they’re changing into dry clothes]
GIRL #1: Hurry up girls before those suckers change their minds.
[The monkey comes in from the window and shows Girl #1 the letter]
GIRL #1: Oh! What is it Darwin? [reads the letter] How do you like those chiselers double crossing us?
GIRL #3: Say! Will I tell that mug something.
GIRL #1: We’re gonna pay those guys a visit. Come on.
[The camera cuts to the hallway right outside the stooges’ room. The hotel manager and the detective approach the door and the manager knocks on it]
HOTEL MANAGER: Open up.
DETECTIVE: They’ll never open up, boss! Let’s use the fire escape.
HOTEL MANAGER: Right!
[The detective and hotel manager leave. As soon as they leave, the girls approach the door and knock on it]
MOE: It’s the manager! Let’s give him a reception.
CURLY: Wooo!
GIRL #3: What I’ll do to that guy with the sugar bowl haircut.
[Larry and Curly get ready with the champagne buckets again]
MOE: Ready? Give! [Opens the door]
[Larry and Curly throw the water outside, and the girls gets splashed with water again]
GIRLS: Oh! Oh!
GIRL #1: Oh why!!
MOE: Gee. It’s the girls!!!!
GIRL #1: Oh yes! It’s us.
[The girls walk inside the room in a very angry manner]
LARRY: Oh we’re sorry girls. We didn’t know it was you.
GIRL #3: Oh that’s quite alright.
CURLY: Gee, you’re swell dames. Give us a little kiss.
GIRL #2: Why certainly! Close your eyes.
[The stooges close their eyes and they pucker up. Each of the girls grab a champagne glass and they break it on the stooges’ heads. The stooges get knocked unconscious and they fall to the floor. The scene ends]
---THE END---
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