Lobby Cards: The Classic Comedies (The Michael Hawks Collection: Volume II)
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Transcribed By: xraffle
Date Added: 2008-07-31
[The short fades in and we see a sign that says, “Onion Oil Company- Established 1904. I.M. Greecy Pres.”]
[The camera now transitions to the inside of a building. The camera is showing a sign on Fuller’s desk. It reads, “Fuller Grime, Gen. Mgr.”]
FULLER: Gentlemen, many of our gas stations are being constantly held up. We feel it is the work of an organized gang. I need three brainy, but stupid-looking private detectives who can pose as gas station attendants. That is why I sent for you.
[The camera cuts to the stooges who have their eyes closed, but their eyelids are painted.]
FULLER: Gentlemen!
[The stooges open their eyes]
MOE: Oh!
MOE, LARRY, AND SHEMP: Good Morning.
LARRY: Boss!
FULLER: Well, you fellas are certainly stupid-looking enough, but about being brainy detectives, that’s open to conjecture.
MOE: Oh, thank you.
SHEMP: I’ll button mine. [buttons up his suit jacket]
FULLER: [looks at larry] Were you ever in danger? Did anyone ever point a gun at you?
LARRY: Yeah, but he couldn’t shoot me.
FULLER: How come?
LARRY: I had my finger in the barrel. Hahahaha.
MOE: Haha.
LARRY: Ahahahaha.
MOE: Haha. [pinches Larry’s cheek] My partner, very funny! [slaps Larry’s face] Get away!
FULLER: [looks at Moe] Uh you! You were in the service, weren’t you?
MOE: That’s right.
FULLER: Did you ever get a commission?
MOE: No! Just straight salary!
[Fuller has an annoyed look on his face]
MOE: Hehehehehe!
LARRY: Ha! That’s my partner! Just clowning! [pinches Moe’s cheek and gets ready to slap him]
[Moe slaps Larry in the face before Larry was able to slap him]
MOE: Quiet!
FULLER: [looks at Shemp] You! Are you a good detective?
SHEMP: Am I? [lifts his foot up] You see this heel? I ran that down. Hahahaha--- [puts his foot down and Moe steps on it] Oh!
FULLER: Boys! This is serious! Do you know anything about running gas stations?
MOE, LARRY, AND SHEMP: No!
FULLER: Well that’s good! Then the robbers will think you’re easy prey. [grabs a paper from his desk] Now, here’s a list of our latest robberies. Study it. [hands the paper to the stooges] And there’s another report.
[While Larry and Moe look at the list, Shemp struggles to get something out of his teeth. He gets out a pocket knife, looks at it, but decides not to use it. He then decides to cut a piece of wood from the desk. As he cuts the piece of wood off, Moe hears the wood begin cut and begins looking at Shemp. Shemp is sharpening the wood. Moe is following the movement of the knife as Shemp sharpens it. Shemp finally sharpens the knife and gets ready to pick his teeth with it. Shemp sees Moe looking at him and he stops and tries to put wood back on the table where he cut it off from. Moe grabs the piece of wood from Shemp and hits his face with it]
SHEMP: Oh!
MOE: [whispering] You silly! Fooling around with a knife? Are you crazy? [takes the knife, throws it away and it lands on the Fuller’s chair]
[Fuller sits down on his chair without knowing about the knife and the knife gets stuck in his rear]
FULLER: Oh! Ooooh! Ahh! Ahh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oohhh!
LARRY: Boss! What’s the matter?
MOE: What’s the matter?
FULLER: Ohh! Ohhhh!
[Moe pulls the knife out of Fuller’s rear.]
SHEMP: You ain’t got nothing to worry about boss. You ain’t even got a hole in your pants.
LARRY: Take it easy! Go sit down, uh, stand up. Go ahead. Relax. [The boss walks off-camera]
MOE: You’re fault, you imbecile! [tries to stab Shemp in the rear but can’t. Instead, we hear some cling sound. Moe makes a couple more attempts to stab Shemp, but can’t]
SHEMP: Hahahahahaha! [pulls a plate out from his pants] Fooled you that time. Here! Hold it. [hands the plate to Moe]
[Moe is now holding the plate. Shemp takes out a sandwich and puts it on the plate.]
SHEMP: Sandwich. [takes out some chips] Potato chips. [takes out some olives] A couple of olives.
[The camera shows a close-up of Larry looking annoyed]
SHEMP: Pickle.
[The camera cuts back to Moe and Shemp]
MOE: Don’t ya like ketchup?
SHEMP: [snaps finger] I’m glad you reminded me! [Takes out a bottle of ketchup and adds some of it on the plate.]
[Shemp now takes out a fork and knife.]
SHEMP: [singing] Lalalala.
MOE: You all set?
SHEMP: Yeah!
[Moe takes the plates full of food and slams it on Shemp’s face. The plate breaks and Shemp has a face full of food]
SHEMP: Aw! You ruin my lunch.
LARRY: Leave him alone, you big bully.
MOE: Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll wipe it off. [Moe wipes some food off of Shemp’s face with his hand]
LARRY: That’s better.
[Moe takes the food he wiped off and slaps Larry in the face with it.]
MOE: Get out of here!
[Moe grabs Larry and Shemp by their noses and pulls them]
MOE: Come on, we gotta catch those burglars. Come on!
LARRY: Ahhhh!
SHEMP: Oh! Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!
[Larry and Shemp say this simultaneously]
[The scene ends and a new scene begins where we see the stooges working at the gas station. They are all singing as they clean the outside of their gas pumps]
[Moe is cleaning a gas pump that reads “Ethel- 30 cents per gallon.” When he turns around, the back of his uniform says, “Try Dr. Belcher’s compound for gas on the stomach.”]
[Larry is cleaning a gas pump that reads “Becky- 26 cents per gallon.” When he turns around, the back of his uniform says, “Feel tired? Take stun. Stun is nuts spelled backward.”]
[Shemp is cleaning a gas pump that reads “Hazel- 22 cents per gallon.” When he turns around, the back of his uniform says, “Have you sore feet? Try tic-tac good for the toe.”]
[We hear the sound of a car approaching]
SHEMP: Hey fellas! Here comes a car!
LARRY: Maybe the driver’s a crook!
MOE: Keep an eye on him.
SHEMP: I’ll keep both eye’s on him.
[The car approaches. One customer is in the car. The radiator on the car is smoking.]
LARRY: Yessir!
MOE: Good morning.
SHEMP: How are you?
LARRY: [Grabs the customer’s hand] Here we are! [As he looks at the driver’s fingernails]
MOE: Ooh! My my! [Combs the driver’s hair up making it look messy]
[Shemp is shining the customer’s shoe]
SHEMP: Get a nice smooth--- [realizes that he’s accidentally polishing the driver’s leg instead of shoes] Thought you was wearing boots there for a minute.
LARRY: [As he’s filing the customer’s nails] Hey! You got a hangnail! [bites the customer’s nail]
CUSTOMER: Oww!
[Moe applies shaving cream on the drivers face.]
MOE: Stick out your tongue please!
[The driver sticks out his tongue and Moe wipes the razor blade on it.]
MOE: Thank you.
[Then, Moe begins shaving the driver’s face vigorously]
CUSTOMER: Ooh ooh! Ow! Ow! Oh!
[Moe then hits the driver’s nose while shaving and he finishes]
MOE: There. [wipes the customer’s face] There we are!
LARRY: What’ll you have?
CUSTOMER: Give me five gallons of Becky!
LARRY: We’re all outta Becky. How about Hazel?
CUSTOMER: I don’t like Hazel. I’ll be back tomorrow for Becky. Put some water on the radiator and some air in the tires.
LARRY: Yessir!
MOE: Get busy boys!
[Shemp walks up to the radiator, takes off the cover, and a bunch of smoke comes out]
SHEMP: Say mister! You’re radiator is leaking pretty badly. You better let me put some ‘Stop Leak’ in it.
CUSTOMER: Ok, fix her up.
SHEMP: Right [walks away]
MOE: Extra special Onion Service! [sprays the windshield but there’s no glass so he ends up spraying the customer’s face]
CUSTOMER: Hey!!
MOE: Ohh! Clean ya right up.
[Moe grabs a dirty rag without realizing it. He cleans the customer’s face with it and he ends up with black stuff all over his face]
MOE: [just realizes what he did to the customer’s face] Oh sorry mister! Wrong rag!
[Moe takes out a clean handkerchief]
MOE: Hold still now.
[Moe pats the driver’s face with the handkerchief several times]
[The camera cuts to Shemp who is inside trying to get the ‘Stop Leak’ container open. He’s just about to walk towards the car until he realizes he forgot the funnel.]
SHEMP: Uh oh! The funnel.
[Shemp puts the ‘Stop Leak’ container down and he grabs the funnel from the table behind him. He blows on it to clear it up. He accidentally picks up the ‘Popping corn’ container and walks up to the car.]
SHEMP: Fix you right up!
[He puts the funnel on top of the radiator, pours the popping corn in it and removes the funnel. He tries to spray water in it, but the hose is not spraying. He sticks it’s finger into the hose hoping it’ll clear it up. He looks through the hose and it sprays water on him.]
SHEMP: You double-crosser you!
[He looks through the radiator and popcorn comes out. Popcorn ends up sticking all over his face. The driver sees the popcorn and grabs his hat. Shemp grabs some popcorn and starts eating it. The driver uses his hat to collect some popcorn and he eats it as well. Shemp now covers up the radiator and closes it in order to prevent more popcorn from coming out.]
[The camera cuts to Larry who is filling the back tires with air. All of a sudden, popcorn comes out of the exhaust. He quickly stops what he is doing and starts eating the popcorn as it’s coming out.]
LARRY: Mmmm!
[Moe sees him, walks up to him and kicks him in the rear.]
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: What kinda game do you think you’re playing? Come on, get busy!
LARRY: Alright!
[Moe sees the popcorn coming out of the exhaust and he starts eating it. All of a sudden, popcorn stops coming out.]
MOE: How do you like that? [Taps the exhaust pipe with his wrench. Then Moe looks into the pipe and black exhaust blows into his face. His face turns all black]
MOE: Hmmm! Ahh!
[Larry is sitting on the back of the left side of the car which is right next to the back tire and he looks at Moe]
LARRY: Hahaha! Why don’t you sing mammy?
MOE: Why don’t you shut up!
LARRY: Ah!
[Larry remains sitting on the back of the car while he eats the rest of his popcorn. One part of the tire that’s beside him is starting to inflate. Larry doesn’t see it, so he continues to enjoy his popcorn. All of a sudden, the tire explodes. Larry gets startled and he looks at the tire. He glances around him to see if anyone saw what happened.]
LARRY: [yells to the customer with his mouth full of popcorn] Ok mister! Take it away!
CUSTOMER: [to Shemp] Oh, just a minute. Would you mind giving it a crank? My starter’s busted. [Gives Shemp the crank]
SHEMP: Not at all.
[Shemp walks up to the front of the car and starts cranking it. The car makes a gun shot sound and the lid on the front of the car goes flying. The lid of the car lands on the customer’s head. The customer is partially knocked out, so he starts the car. He squeezes his tiny horn and drives away. As he drives away, the customer accidentally hits Shemp with the car and he falls to the ground. Moe and Larry run up to Shemp to help him get up. The scene ends]
[A new scene begins in the same gas station where we see Shemp and Moe with a broom and Larry with a shovel. They just cleaned up all the popcorn off the floor and it’s all in three buckets]
LARRY: There you are sir! All cleaned up and ready to eat.
MOE: Aye aye. Then take it away.
LARRY AND SHEMP: Hup! Hup!
[Larry puts his shovel over his shoulder and Shemp puts his broom over his shoulder. They turn around. Shemp hits Larry in the face with his broom. Larry hits Moe in the face with his shovel.]
MOE AND LARRY: Oh!
MOE: Why you idiot!!
[Moe takes his broom and hits Larry and Shemp on their heads. Larry and Shemp accidentally knock over the their buckets of popcorn and it spills]
LARRY: Oh!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins at the gas station again. The popcorn is still all over the floor. A car drives up. Inside the car is a crook and woman named Louise]
MOE: Onion Service!
LARRY AND SHEMP: Onion Service!
LARRY: There we are.
MOE: Yes sir.
[Moe gets ready to comb hair, Shemp gets ready to polish shoes, and Larry gets ready to files nails]
CROOK: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I want an oil change and I’m in a terrible hurry.
MOE: [looks at Larry] Ok, under the car. [looks at Shemp] Get the oil.
MOE: Here we go.
LARRY: Here we are. Right now!
[Moe and Larry say this simultaneously]
[Larry goes under the car]
LOUISE: [whispers to the crook] I’ll keep them busy. You take care of the cash register.
MOE: Onion Service!!
SHEMP: Onion Service!
MOE: Yes sir. Lift the hood boy!
[Shemp lifts the front hood of the car]
MOE: Hold this can.
LARRY: [under the car] Remove the oil cap so the air will circulate through the motor. This oil won’t flow.
MOE: Ok. I’ll blow through it.
[Shemp and Moe attach a pipe onto the car. Moe starts blowing on it. The oil starts leaking under the car and it spills all over Larry]
LARRY: Hey!
[Moe stops blowing and has a puzzled on his face. The crook comes out from the back of the gas station and enters the car. Moe and Shemp are helping Larry get out from under the car. Larry is soaked with oil. As soon as the crook enters the car, him and Louise drive away while the oil is still leaking.]
[Moe and Shemp are wiping Larry off with a rag. All of a sudden, they realize that the crook is driving away]
LARRY: Hey! He left and I didn’t finish the job. [yells] Come back here!
MOE: How do you like that sap? And wasting all this oil. [points to the trail of oil and all of a sudden sees the open cash register at the back of the gas station]
MOE: Hey fellas. The cash register!!
LARRY: Oh, we’ve been robbed.
[The stooges walk up to the cash register]
MOE: The dirty crooks. They took our dough. [closes the register]
LARRY: We’re in trouble.
MOE: Get cleaned up. We’ll trail ‘em.
SHEMP: Ok.
[The stooges are getting changed. Moe helps Shemp off with his uniform and Shemp helps Moe off with his uniform. Larry pours some gasoline in a bucket. He washes his face with it.]
SHEMP: If we don’t catch those crooks!! They’re driving into a driveway. Nobody knows what’s going on there! [As he puts on his coat, he hits Moe in the face with his hand]
MOE: Oh! [Moe falls back onto the wall and a tire falls on Shemp]
SHEMP: Who threw that? Who threw that?
MOE: [slaps Shemp on the head] Who threw it!!
SHEMP: Yes---
MOE: What are ya shoving people around for, ya cray--- [Looks at Shemps jacket and he sees that he’s wearing it inside out] Look at you. You featherbrain! [eye-pokes Shemp] What’s the matter with you? Straighten yourself out!
SHEMP: Alright!
MOE: Hurry up Larry! Get a move on. Those guys’ll---
[Larry gargles and accidentally swallows the gasoline due to Moe’s interruption]
LARRY: Alright!
[Shemp walks up to the cash register, presses a button and it opens up hitting him in the stomach]
SHEMP: Oh! Why you! [tries to close it but accidentally closes it on his finger] Oh you double crosser you! [closes the cash register]
MOE: You! Serves you right, you imbecile. Come on!
[Shemp picks up the cash register]
SHEMP: Hold your horses.
MOE: What are you doing with that?
SHEMP: Taking it along with us so we don’t get robbed again while we’re gone.
MOE: You dope! It’s empty. Drop it!!
[Shemp drops the cash register on Moe’s foot]
MOE: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
LARRY: Get a move on, you guys. [Puts his hat on and walks up to Moe and Shemp]
MOE: [tells Shemp as they leave the gas station] Remind me to kill you later.
[Larry locks the door]
MOE: [tells Larry] Get that door locked.
LARRY: Ok, lock right up there boy.
MOE: Well lock it.
LARRY: Ok.
MOE: Now come on. [pulls Larry but his finger is caught in the lock]
LARRY: Wait a minute. My finger’s caught.
MOE: Come on!
LARRY: Help me, will ya.
MOE: Come on, pull it out!
[Moe pulls Larry and Larry finally gets his finger free but he accidentally hits Moe in the face with his hand]
MOE: Oh!
LARRY: I’m sorry.
MOE: [eye pokes Larry] I’ll take an eye out for ya!
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: Come on! We gotta get on the trail.
LARRY: Alright!
[The stooges are standing in front of the gas station now. Moe ties a rope around Shemp’s waist. Shemp gets down on the floor and starts crawling like a dog]
MOE: Ok bloodhound, follow the trail.
SHEMP: [breathes like a dog] Ruff ruff ruff! Ooooooh. [brushes the popcorn on the floor with his hands]
[Moe starts walking Shemp as if he’s a dog. The stooges leave the gas station]
MOE: Mush!
LARRY: Come on!
MOE: Mush!
LARRY: Hup!
MOE: Mush!
LARRY: Hup!
MOE: Mush!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins in the hallway of the crook’s apartment. The oil tracks are on the floor and we see it lead up to the door of the apartment. The stooges walk down the hallway. Moe and Larry are still walking Shemp who is pretending to be a dog. They approach the apartment and Shemp gets back up on his feet. They look at the tracks and see it lead to the apartment. They are puzzled at how the car ended up inside the room]
MOE: How’d they get the car in there?
LARRY: I don’t know. But that must be the guy with the company’s dough.
[Moe peeks through the keyhole and sees the crook working on the table. The crook sneezes]
SHEMP: Gesundheit!
[Moe and Larry quickly grab Shemp’s throat, but the crook already heard him.]
CROOK: Thank you! [He suddenly realizes the stooges are outside. So he gets up, grabs a gun and approaches the door]
MOE: [sees the crook coming through the keyhole] He’s coming. Give him the door treatment.
[Shemp gets down on the floor and hides by the door. Moe and Larry stand in front of the door to distract the crook. The crook opens the door, but only sees Moe and Larry]
MOE AND LARRY: Nah nah nah nah [teasing the crook]
CROOK: So!! You trailed me, eh!!
[Shemp lifts up the crooks’ trousers and bites his leg]
CROOK: Ohhhhhhh!!
[The crook throws his gun up in the air and it falls down on his head knocking him unconscious]
MOE: I guess that took care of him. Let’s get him out of the hall. Easy!!
[The stooges carry the crook inside of the room]
MOE: Open the chair.
LARRY: Alright.
MOE: Easy now.
[The stooges set the crook onto the chair where he lays there unconscious]
MOE: There we are!
[The crook starts to regain consciousness. Moe quickly grabs a club and hits him in the head. The crook becomes unconscious again. The stooges start looking around the place and they see a bunch of tools hanging up on the wall]
MOE: Look at that set of burglar tools.
[Louise and two henchmen enter through the bedroom door. They see the stooges right away.]
LOUISE: Ah! Get ‘em boys!
[The henchmen approach the stooge and attack them]
MOE: Wait a minute.
[Louise grabs a club and approaches Larry from behind to hit him.]
HENCHMAN #1: [as Larry is punching him in the stomach] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
[Larry hits Henchman #1 in the chin]
HENCHMAN #1: Ow! [Larry hits him in the face] Oh!
[Louise gets ready to strike Larry from behind. As she gets ready to hit him, the burglar takes a punch at Larry, he ducks and the henchman ends up punching Louise. She gets knocked unconscious and lands on the chair.]
[Larry gets pushed next to the wall where all the tools are hanging. He sees a phone and picks it up.]
LARRY: [on the phone] Hello. [turns to the henchman who’s about it hit him with a club] It’s for you. [hands him the phone]
HENCHMAN #1: [Puts down his club] Oh thanks. [on phone] Hello!!
LARRY: [grabs the club] Goodbye. [hits the henchman with the club]
[The henchman gets knocked out, drops the phone and falls on the floor]
LARRY: [to the club] Thank you sweetheart. [Kisses the club and throws it up in the air]
[The club falls and hits Larry on the head, knocking him out]
[Henchman #2 is now fighting Moe and Shemp. He punches both of them rapidly in the face several times. He grabs Moe by the hair and punches Shemp in the face. Shemp gets knocked out. Moe then punches the henchman in the stomach. Then, henchman #2 punches Moe in the face several times, then in the stomach, then in the face. Moe and henchman #2 bump their heads together and they both get knocked out]
[Shemp suddenly wakes up]
SHEMP: I gotta find that dough. [walks around and looks for the money]
[Henchman #2 wakes up, sees Shemp and walks up to him]
SHEMP: [looks in the box on the table] What’s in the box?
[The crook sees a pitcher of water and grabs it. Shemp turns around and sees the crook about to throw the pitcher at him.]
SHEMP: No!!!
[Shemp ducks and the pitcher lands on a hook against the wall. Under that hook is the crook who is still lying on the chair unconscious. The pitcher tilts on the hook, spills water on the crook and he gets revived.]
[Shemp and henchman #2 are fighting. Shemp pulls the henchman’s hat over his face. Henchman #2 gets mad, removes his hat and prepares to remove his coat]
SHEMP: No.
HENCHMAN #2: Why you little!! I’ll get you!
SHEMP: No.
[Henchman #2 removes his right arm out of his jacket. Shemp takes a punch at him and his arm ends up in the empty sleeve. Henchman #2 and Shemp are now caught in the jacket]
HENCHMAN #2: I’ll get you.
[The crook sees them and approaches them.]
HENCHMAN #2: Get me outta this.
CROOK: Hold him, Joe!
[Shemp punches the crook in the face. The crook tries to punch back, but Shemp, who’s still caught in the jacket with henchman, turns around and the crook gets pulled up in front of the crook. So the crook punches henchman #2 by accident. Shemp turns back around and punches the crook again. The crook again tries to punch Shemp but Shemp turns around so the henchman gets punched again. This keeps on happening several times until henchman #2 gets knocked out. Shemp stops turning around. Louise wakes up and gets up from the chair. She tries to strike Shemp with the club once again. However, the crook tries to punch Shemp who ducks and Louise gets punched. She gets knocked out. Shemp punches the crook one last time in the face.]
[Moe and Larry start to regain consciousness. They stand up. Shemp kicks the crook towards them. Moe and Larry grab him]
MOE: Oh we’ll make this mug tell us where the money is.
LARRY: And we’ll call Mr. Grime and tell him we got his gas station robbers.
[Moe and Larry place the crook’s head in a machine that tightens when you wind it up]
MOE: You’re gonna tell us where the money is?
CROOK: No!!
MOE: [to Larry] Wind him up!
LARRY: He’ll talk.
[Larry winds up the machine and it tightens the crooks head]
CROOK: Oh! Ah!!
[The camera cuts to Shemp and Henchman #2. The henchman is knocked out and is ready to fall. Shemp blows on him and he falls to the floor. Shemp walks up to Moe and Larry.]
[The camera cuts to Moe, Larry and the crook.]
MOE: [to the crook] Tell us where the money is.
CROOK: I won’t. [Larry tightens the machine] Ohhhhh!
MOE: One more time. Now, you’re gonna talk?
CROOK: Yes. It’s in the basket under the table. Oh!!
SHEMP: [to the crook] Don’t go away. [walks off-camera]
MOE: That’s more like it.
[Moe sticks a crowbar in the crooks nose and pulls him out of the machine]
[Shemp enters on-camera with the bag of money. He shakes it and we hear the coins]
SHEMP: Moe, I got the dough! [to the crook] Here’s some for you. [Hits the crook on the head with the bag of coins]
MOE: Alright. Pile those mugs up. I’ll make a phone call. Get ‘em out of here.
[Larry and Shemp pick up the crook and carry him.]
SHEMP: Come on. Get going here.
[Moe picks up the phone and dials]
MOE: [On the phone] We got the robbers, signed and sealed. And we’ll deliver them to the cops in a little while. Goodbye.
[The camera cuts to Shemp and Larry who are trying to tie the mugs up. The crook is starting to revive.]
LARRY: Shemp!!
[Shemp hits the crook with the bag of coins. Henchman #2 wakes up and gets up. Shemp hits him as well with the bag.]
SHEMP: [to henchman #2] Wise guy, eh!
[Moe enters on-camera and starts tying the crook up. Shemp hits Moe with the bag of coins thinking he’s a crook. As he hits Moe, He accidentally hits Larry from behind as well. Larry and Moe get knocked unconscious.]
SHEMP: [realizes what he’s done] Moe! Larry! What’d I do?
[Shemp hits himself in the head with the bag of coins. He gets knocked unconscious and falls down. The stooges, the crook, the two henchmen, and Louise are all knocked out. The scene ends]
---THE END---
[The camera now transitions to the inside of a building. The camera is showing a sign on Fuller’s desk. It reads, “Fuller Grime, Gen. Mgr.”]
FULLER: Gentlemen, many of our gas stations are being constantly held up. We feel it is the work of an organized gang. I need three brainy, but stupid-looking private detectives who can pose as gas station attendants. That is why I sent for you.
[The camera cuts to the stooges who have their eyes closed, but their eyelids are painted.]
FULLER: Gentlemen!
[The stooges open their eyes]
MOE: Oh!
MOE, LARRY, AND SHEMP: Good Morning.
LARRY: Boss!
FULLER: Well, you fellas are certainly stupid-looking enough, but about being brainy detectives, that’s open to conjecture.
MOE: Oh, thank you.
SHEMP: I’ll button mine. [buttons up his suit jacket]
FULLER: [looks at larry] Were you ever in danger? Did anyone ever point a gun at you?
LARRY: Yeah, but he couldn’t shoot me.
FULLER: How come?
LARRY: I had my finger in the barrel. Hahahaha.
MOE: Haha.
LARRY: Ahahahaha.
MOE: Haha. [pinches Larry’s cheek] My partner, very funny! [slaps Larry’s face] Get away!
FULLER: [looks at Moe] Uh you! You were in the service, weren’t you?
MOE: That’s right.
FULLER: Did you ever get a commission?
MOE: No! Just straight salary!
[Fuller has an annoyed look on his face]
MOE: Hehehehehe!
LARRY: Ha! That’s my partner! Just clowning! [pinches Moe’s cheek and gets ready to slap him]
[Moe slaps Larry in the face before Larry was able to slap him]
MOE: Quiet!
FULLER: [looks at Shemp] You! Are you a good detective?
SHEMP: Am I? [lifts his foot up] You see this heel? I ran that down. Hahahaha--- [puts his foot down and Moe steps on it] Oh!
FULLER: Boys! This is serious! Do you know anything about running gas stations?
MOE, LARRY, AND SHEMP: No!
FULLER: Well that’s good! Then the robbers will think you’re easy prey. [grabs a paper from his desk] Now, here’s a list of our latest robberies. Study it. [hands the paper to the stooges] And there’s another report.
[While Larry and Moe look at the list, Shemp struggles to get something out of his teeth. He gets out a pocket knife, looks at it, but decides not to use it. He then decides to cut a piece of wood from the desk. As he cuts the piece of wood off, Moe hears the wood begin cut and begins looking at Shemp. Shemp is sharpening the wood. Moe is following the movement of the knife as Shemp sharpens it. Shemp finally sharpens the knife and gets ready to pick his teeth with it. Shemp sees Moe looking at him and he stops and tries to put wood back on the table where he cut it off from. Moe grabs the piece of wood from Shemp and hits his face with it]
SHEMP: Oh!
MOE: [whispering] You silly! Fooling around with a knife? Are you crazy? [takes the knife, throws it away and it lands on the Fuller’s chair]
[Fuller sits down on his chair without knowing about the knife and the knife gets stuck in his rear]
FULLER: Oh! Ooooh! Ahh! Ahh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oohhh!
LARRY: Boss! What’s the matter?
MOE: What’s the matter?
FULLER: Ohh! Ohhhh!
[Moe pulls the knife out of Fuller’s rear.]
SHEMP: You ain’t got nothing to worry about boss. You ain’t even got a hole in your pants.
LARRY: Take it easy! Go sit down, uh, stand up. Go ahead. Relax. [The boss walks off-camera]
MOE: You’re fault, you imbecile! [tries to stab Shemp in the rear but can’t. Instead, we hear some cling sound. Moe makes a couple more attempts to stab Shemp, but can’t]
SHEMP: Hahahahahaha! [pulls a plate out from his pants] Fooled you that time. Here! Hold it. [hands the plate to Moe]
[Moe is now holding the plate. Shemp takes out a sandwich and puts it on the plate.]
SHEMP: Sandwich. [takes out some chips] Potato chips. [takes out some olives] A couple of olives.
[The camera shows a close-up of Larry looking annoyed]
SHEMP: Pickle.
[The camera cuts back to Moe and Shemp]
MOE: Don’t ya like ketchup?
SHEMP: [snaps finger] I’m glad you reminded me! [Takes out a bottle of ketchup and adds some of it on the plate.]
[Shemp now takes out a fork and knife.]
SHEMP: [singing] Lalalala.
MOE: You all set?
SHEMP: Yeah!
[Moe takes the plates full of food and slams it on Shemp’s face. The plate breaks and Shemp has a face full of food]
SHEMP: Aw! You ruin my lunch.
LARRY: Leave him alone, you big bully.
MOE: Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll wipe it off. [Moe wipes some food off of Shemp’s face with his hand]
LARRY: That’s better.
[Moe takes the food he wiped off and slaps Larry in the face with it.]
MOE: Get out of here!
[Moe grabs Larry and Shemp by their noses and pulls them]
MOE: Come on, we gotta catch those burglars. Come on!
LARRY: Ahhhh!
SHEMP: Oh! Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!
[Larry and Shemp say this simultaneously]
[The scene ends and a new scene begins where we see the stooges working at the gas station. They are all singing as they clean the outside of their gas pumps]
[Moe is cleaning a gas pump that reads “Ethel- 30 cents per gallon.” When he turns around, the back of his uniform says, “Try Dr. Belcher’s compound for gas on the stomach.”]
[Larry is cleaning a gas pump that reads “Becky- 26 cents per gallon.” When he turns around, the back of his uniform says, “Feel tired? Take stun. Stun is nuts spelled backward.”]
[Shemp is cleaning a gas pump that reads “Hazel- 22 cents per gallon.” When he turns around, the back of his uniform says, “Have you sore feet? Try tic-tac good for the toe.”]
[We hear the sound of a car approaching]
SHEMP: Hey fellas! Here comes a car!
LARRY: Maybe the driver’s a crook!
MOE: Keep an eye on him.
SHEMP: I’ll keep both eye’s on him.
[The car approaches. One customer is in the car. The radiator on the car is smoking.]
LARRY: Yessir!
MOE: Good morning.
SHEMP: How are you?
LARRY: [Grabs the customer’s hand] Here we are! [As he looks at the driver’s fingernails]
MOE: Ooh! My my! [Combs the driver’s hair up making it look messy]
[Shemp is shining the customer’s shoe]
SHEMP: Get a nice smooth--- [realizes that he’s accidentally polishing the driver’s leg instead of shoes] Thought you was wearing boots there for a minute.
LARRY: [As he’s filing the customer’s nails] Hey! You got a hangnail! [bites the customer’s nail]
CUSTOMER: Oww!
[Moe applies shaving cream on the drivers face.]
MOE: Stick out your tongue please!
[The driver sticks out his tongue and Moe wipes the razor blade on it.]
MOE: Thank you.
[Then, Moe begins shaving the driver’s face vigorously]
CUSTOMER: Ooh ooh! Ow! Ow! Oh!
[Moe then hits the driver’s nose while shaving and he finishes]
MOE: There. [wipes the customer’s face] There we are!
LARRY: What’ll you have?
CUSTOMER: Give me five gallons of Becky!
LARRY: We’re all outta Becky. How about Hazel?
CUSTOMER: I don’t like Hazel. I’ll be back tomorrow for Becky. Put some water on the radiator and some air in the tires.
LARRY: Yessir!
MOE: Get busy boys!
[Shemp walks up to the radiator, takes off the cover, and a bunch of smoke comes out]
SHEMP: Say mister! You’re radiator is leaking pretty badly. You better let me put some ‘Stop Leak’ in it.
CUSTOMER: Ok, fix her up.
SHEMP: Right [walks away]
MOE: Extra special Onion Service! [sprays the windshield but there’s no glass so he ends up spraying the customer’s face]
CUSTOMER: Hey!!
MOE: Ohh! Clean ya right up.
[Moe grabs a dirty rag without realizing it. He cleans the customer’s face with it and he ends up with black stuff all over his face]
MOE: [just realizes what he did to the customer’s face] Oh sorry mister! Wrong rag!
[Moe takes out a clean handkerchief]
MOE: Hold still now.
[Moe pats the driver’s face with the handkerchief several times]
[The camera cuts to Shemp who is inside trying to get the ‘Stop Leak’ container open. He’s just about to walk towards the car until he realizes he forgot the funnel.]
SHEMP: Uh oh! The funnel.
[Shemp puts the ‘Stop Leak’ container down and he grabs the funnel from the table behind him. He blows on it to clear it up. He accidentally picks up the ‘Popping corn’ container and walks up to the car.]
SHEMP: Fix you right up!
[He puts the funnel on top of the radiator, pours the popping corn in it and removes the funnel. He tries to spray water in it, but the hose is not spraying. He sticks it’s finger into the hose hoping it’ll clear it up. He looks through the hose and it sprays water on him.]
SHEMP: You double-crosser you!
[He looks through the radiator and popcorn comes out. Popcorn ends up sticking all over his face. The driver sees the popcorn and grabs his hat. Shemp grabs some popcorn and starts eating it. The driver uses his hat to collect some popcorn and he eats it as well. Shemp now covers up the radiator and closes it in order to prevent more popcorn from coming out.]
[The camera cuts to Larry who is filling the back tires with air. All of a sudden, popcorn comes out of the exhaust. He quickly stops what he is doing and starts eating the popcorn as it’s coming out.]
LARRY: Mmmm!
[Moe sees him, walks up to him and kicks him in the rear.]
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: What kinda game do you think you’re playing? Come on, get busy!
LARRY: Alright!
[Moe sees the popcorn coming out of the exhaust and he starts eating it. All of a sudden, popcorn stops coming out.]
MOE: How do you like that? [Taps the exhaust pipe with his wrench. Then Moe looks into the pipe and black exhaust blows into his face. His face turns all black]
MOE: Hmmm! Ahh!
[Larry is sitting on the back of the left side of the car which is right next to the back tire and he looks at Moe]
LARRY: Hahaha! Why don’t you sing mammy?
MOE: Why don’t you shut up!
LARRY: Ah!
[Larry remains sitting on the back of the car while he eats the rest of his popcorn. One part of the tire that’s beside him is starting to inflate. Larry doesn’t see it, so he continues to enjoy his popcorn. All of a sudden, the tire explodes. Larry gets startled and he looks at the tire. He glances around him to see if anyone saw what happened.]
LARRY: [yells to the customer with his mouth full of popcorn] Ok mister! Take it away!
CUSTOMER: [to Shemp] Oh, just a minute. Would you mind giving it a crank? My starter’s busted. [Gives Shemp the crank]
SHEMP: Not at all.
[Shemp walks up to the front of the car and starts cranking it. The car makes a gun shot sound and the lid on the front of the car goes flying. The lid of the car lands on the customer’s head. The customer is partially knocked out, so he starts the car. He squeezes his tiny horn and drives away. As he drives away, the customer accidentally hits Shemp with the car and he falls to the ground. Moe and Larry run up to Shemp to help him get up. The scene ends]
[A new scene begins in the same gas station where we see Shemp and Moe with a broom and Larry with a shovel. They just cleaned up all the popcorn off the floor and it’s all in three buckets]
LARRY: There you are sir! All cleaned up and ready to eat.
MOE: Aye aye. Then take it away.
LARRY AND SHEMP: Hup! Hup!
[Larry puts his shovel over his shoulder and Shemp puts his broom over his shoulder. They turn around. Shemp hits Larry in the face with his broom. Larry hits Moe in the face with his shovel.]
MOE AND LARRY: Oh!
MOE: Why you idiot!!
[Moe takes his broom and hits Larry and Shemp on their heads. Larry and Shemp accidentally knock over the their buckets of popcorn and it spills]
LARRY: Oh!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins at the gas station again. The popcorn is still all over the floor. A car drives up. Inside the car is a crook and woman named Louise]
MOE: Onion Service!
LARRY AND SHEMP: Onion Service!
LARRY: There we are.
MOE: Yes sir.
[Moe gets ready to comb hair, Shemp gets ready to polish shoes, and Larry gets ready to files nails]
CROOK: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I want an oil change and I’m in a terrible hurry.
MOE: [looks at Larry] Ok, under the car. [looks at Shemp] Get the oil.
MOE: Here we go.
LARRY: Here we are. Right now!
[Moe and Larry say this simultaneously]
[Larry goes under the car]
LOUISE: [whispers to the crook] I’ll keep them busy. You take care of the cash register.
MOE: Onion Service!!
SHEMP: Onion Service!
MOE: Yes sir. Lift the hood boy!
[Shemp lifts the front hood of the car]
MOE: Hold this can.
LARRY: [under the car] Remove the oil cap so the air will circulate through the motor. This oil won’t flow.
MOE: Ok. I’ll blow through it.
[Shemp and Moe attach a pipe onto the car. Moe starts blowing on it. The oil starts leaking under the car and it spills all over Larry]
LARRY: Hey!
[Moe stops blowing and has a puzzled on his face. The crook comes out from the back of the gas station and enters the car. Moe and Shemp are helping Larry get out from under the car. Larry is soaked with oil. As soon as the crook enters the car, him and Louise drive away while the oil is still leaking.]
[Moe and Shemp are wiping Larry off with a rag. All of a sudden, they realize that the crook is driving away]
LARRY: Hey! He left and I didn’t finish the job. [yells] Come back here!
MOE: How do you like that sap? And wasting all this oil. [points to the trail of oil and all of a sudden sees the open cash register at the back of the gas station]
MOE: Hey fellas. The cash register!!
LARRY: Oh, we’ve been robbed.
[The stooges walk up to the cash register]
MOE: The dirty crooks. They took our dough. [closes the register]
LARRY: We’re in trouble.
MOE: Get cleaned up. We’ll trail ‘em.
SHEMP: Ok.
[The stooges are getting changed. Moe helps Shemp off with his uniform and Shemp helps Moe off with his uniform. Larry pours some gasoline in a bucket. He washes his face with it.]
SHEMP: If we don’t catch those crooks!! They’re driving into a driveway. Nobody knows what’s going on there! [As he puts on his coat, he hits Moe in the face with his hand]
MOE: Oh! [Moe falls back onto the wall and a tire falls on Shemp]
SHEMP: Who threw that? Who threw that?
MOE: [slaps Shemp on the head] Who threw it!!
SHEMP: Yes---
MOE: What are ya shoving people around for, ya cray--- [Looks at Shemps jacket and he sees that he’s wearing it inside out] Look at you. You featherbrain! [eye-pokes Shemp] What’s the matter with you? Straighten yourself out!
SHEMP: Alright!
MOE: Hurry up Larry! Get a move on. Those guys’ll---
[Larry gargles and accidentally swallows the gasoline due to Moe’s interruption]
LARRY: Alright!
[Shemp walks up to the cash register, presses a button and it opens up hitting him in the stomach]
SHEMP: Oh! Why you! [tries to close it but accidentally closes it on his finger] Oh you double crosser you! [closes the cash register]
MOE: You! Serves you right, you imbecile. Come on!
[Shemp picks up the cash register]
SHEMP: Hold your horses.
MOE: What are you doing with that?
SHEMP: Taking it along with us so we don’t get robbed again while we’re gone.
MOE: You dope! It’s empty. Drop it!!
[Shemp drops the cash register on Moe’s foot]
MOE: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
LARRY: Get a move on, you guys. [Puts his hat on and walks up to Moe and Shemp]
MOE: [tells Shemp as they leave the gas station] Remind me to kill you later.
[Larry locks the door]
MOE: [tells Larry] Get that door locked.
LARRY: Ok, lock right up there boy.
MOE: Well lock it.
LARRY: Ok.
MOE: Now come on. [pulls Larry but his finger is caught in the lock]
LARRY: Wait a minute. My finger’s caught.
MOE: Come on!
LARRY: Help me, will ya.
MOE: Come on, pull it out!
[Moe pulls Larry and Larry finally gets his finger free but he accidentally hits Moe in the face with his hand]
MOE: Oh!
LARRY: I’m sorry.
MOE: [eye pokes Larry] I’ll take an eye out for ya!
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: Come on! We gotta get on the trail.
LARRY: Alright!
[The stooges are standing in front of the gas station now. Moe ties a rope around Shemp’s waist. Shemp gets down on the floor and starts crawling like a dog]
MOE: Ok bloodhound, follow the trail.
SHEMP: [breathes like a dog] Ruff ruff ruff! Ooooooh. [brushes the popcorn on the floor with his hands]
[Moe starts walking Shemp as if he’s a dog. The stooges leave the gas station]
MOE: Mush!
LARRY: Come on!
MOE: Mush!
LARRY: Hup!
MOE: Mush!
LARRY: Hup!
MOE: Mush!
[The scene ends and a new scene begins in the hallway of the crook’s apartment. The oil tracks are on the floor and we see it lead up to the door of the apartment. The stooges walk down the hallway. Moe and Larry are still walking Shemp who is pretending to be a dog. They approach the apartment and Shemp gets back up on his feet. They look at the tracks and see it lead to the apartment. They are puzzled at how the car ended up inside the room]
MOE: How’d they get the car in there?
LARRY: I don’t know. But that must be the guy with the company’s dough.
[Moe peeks through the keyhole and sees the crook working on the table. The crook sneezes]
SHEMP: Gesundheit!
[Moe and Larry quickly grab Shemp’s throat, but the crook already heard him.]
CROOK: Thank you! [He suddenly realizes the stooges are outside. So he gets up, grabs a gun and approaches the door]
MOE: [sees the crook coming through the keyhole] He’s coming. Give him the door treatment.
[Shemp gets down on the floor and hides by the door. Moe and Larry stand in front of the door to distract the crook. The crook opens the door, but only sees Moe and Larry]
MOE AND LARRY: Nah nah nah nah [teasing the crook]
CROOK: So!! You trailed me, eh!!
[Shemp lifts up the crooks’ trousers and bites his leg]
CROOK: Ohhhhhhh!!
[The crook throws his gun up in the air and it falls down on his head knocking him unconscious]
MOE: I guess that took care of him. Let’s get him out of the hall. Easy!!
[The stooges carry the crook inside of the room]
MOE: Open the chair.
LARRY: Alright.
MOE: Easy now.
[The stooges set the crook onto the chair where he lays there unconscious]
MOE: There we are!
[The crook starts to regain consciousness. Moe quickly grabs a club and hits him in the head. The crook becomes unconscious again. The stooges start looking around the place and they see a bunch of tools hanging up on the wall]
MOE: Look at that set of burglar tools.
[Louise and two henchmen enter through the bedroom door. They see the stooges right away.]
LOUISE: Ah! Get ‘em boys!
[The henchmen approach the stooge and attack them]
MOE: Wait a minute.
[Louise grabs a club and approaches Larry from behind to hit him.]
HENCHMAN #1: [as Larry is punching him in the stomach] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
[Larry hits Henchman #1 in the chin]
HENCHMAN #1: Ow! [Larry hits him in the face] Oh!
[Louise gets ready to strike Larry from behind. As she gets ready to hit him, the burglar takes a punch at Larry, he ducks and the henchman ends up punching Louise. She gets knocked unconscious and lands on the chair.]
[Larry gets pushed next to the wall where all the tools are hanging. He sees a phone and picks it up.]
LARRY: [on the phone] Hello. [turns to the henchman who’s about it hit him with a club] It’s for you. [hands him the phone]
HENCHMAN #1: [Puts down his club] Oh thanks. [on phone] Hello!!
LARRY: [grabs the club] Goodbye. [hits the henchman with the club]
[The henchman gets knocked out, drops the phone and falls on the floor]
LARRY: [to the club] Thank you sweetheart. [Kisses the club and throws it up in the air]
[The club falls and hits Larry on the head, knocking him out]
[Henchman #2 is now fighting Moe and Shemp. He punches both of them rapidly in the face several times. He grabs Moe by the hair and punches Shemp in the face. Shemp gets knocked out. Moe then punches the henchman in the stomach. Then, henchman #2 punches Moe in the face several times, then in the stomach, then in the face. Moe and henchman #2 bump their heads together and they both get knocked out]
[Shemp suddenly wakes up]
SHEMP: I gotta find that dough. [walks around and looks for the money]
[Henchman #2 wakes up, sees Shemp and walks up to him]
SHEMP: [looks in the box on the table] What’s in the box?
[The crook sees a pitcher of water and grabs it. Shemp turns around and sees the crook about to throw the pitcher at him.]
SHEMP: No!!!
[Shemp ducks and the pitcher lands on a hook against the wall. Under that hook is the crook who is still lying on the chair unconscious. The pitcher tilts on the hook, spills water on the crook and he gets revived.]
[Shemp and henchman #2 are fighting. Shemp pulls the henchman’s hat over his face. Henchman #2 gets mad, removes his hat and prepares to remove his coat]
SHEMP: No.
HENCHMAN #2: Why you little!! I’ll get you!
SHEMP: No.
[Henchman #2 removes his right arm out of his jacket. Shemp takes a punch at him and his arm ends up in the empty sleeve. Henchman #2 and Shemp are now caught in the jacket]
HENCHMAN #2: I’ll get you.
[The crook sees them and approaches them.]
HENCHMAN #2: Get me outta this.
CROOK: Hold him, Joe!
[Shemp punches the crook in the face. The crook tries to punch back, but Shemp, who’s still caught in the jacket with henchman, turns around and the crook gets pulled up in front of the crook. So the crook punches henchman #2 by accident. Shemp turns back around and punches the crook again. The crook again tries to punch Shemp but Shemp turns around so the henchman gets punched again. This keeps on happening several times until henchman #2 gets knocked out. Shemp stops turning around. Louise wakes up and gets up from the chair. She tries to strike Shemp with the club once again. However, the crook tries to punch Shemp who ducks and Louise gets punched. She gets knocked out. Shemp punches the crook one last time in the face.]
[Moe and Larry start to regain consciousness. They stand up. Shemp kicks the crook towards them. Moe and Larry grab him]
MOE: Oh we’ll make this mug tell us where the money is.
LARRY: And we’ll call Mr. Grime and tell him we got his gas station robbers.
[Moe and Larry place the crook’s head in a machine that tightens when you wind it up]
MOE: You’re gonna tell us where the money is?
CROOK: No!!
MOE: [to Larry] Wind him up!
LARRY: He’ll talk.
[Larry winds up the machine and it tightens the crooks head]
CROOK: Oh! Ah!!
[The camera cuts to Shemp and Henchman #2. The henchman is knocked out and is ready to fall. Shemp blows on him and he falls to the floor. Shemp walks up to Moe and Larry.]
[The camera cuts to Moe, Larry and the crook.]
MOE: [to the crook] Tell us where the money is.
CROOK: I won’t. [Larry tightens the machine] Ohhhhh!
MOE: One more time. Now, you’re gonna talk?
CROOK: Yes. It’s in the basket under the table. Oh!!
SHEMP: [to the crook] Don’t go away. [walks off-camera]
MOE: That’s more like it.
[Moe sticks a crowbar in the crooks nose and pulls him out of the machine]
[Shemp enters on-camera with the bag of money. He shakes it and we hear the coins]
SHEMP: Moe, I got the dough! [to the crook] Here’s some for you. [Hits the crook on the head with the bag of coins]
MOE: Alright. Pile those mugs up. I’ll make a phone call. Get ‘em out of here.
[Larry and Shemp pick up the crook and carry him.]
SHEMP: Come on. Get going here.
[Moe picks up the phone and dials]
MOE: [On the phone] We got the robbers, signed and sealed. And we’ll deliver them to the cops in a little while. Goodbye.
[The camera cuts to Shemp and Larry who are trying to tie the mugs up. The crook is starting to revive.]
LARRY: Shemp!!
[Shemp hits the crook with the bag of coins. Henchman #2 wakes up and gets up. Shemp hits him as well with the bag.]
SHEMP: [to henchman #2] Wise guy, eh!
[Moe enters on-camera and starts tying the crook up. Shemp hits Moe with the bag of coins thinking he’s a crook. As he hits Moe, He accidentally hits Larry from behind as well. Larry and Moe get knocked unconscious.]
SHEMP: [realizes what he’s done] Moe! Larry! What’d I do?
[Shemp hits himself in the head with the bag of coins. He gets knocked unconscious and falls down. The stooges, the crook, the two henchmen, and Louise are all knocked out. The scene ends]
---THE END---
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