Lobby Cards: The Classic Comedies (The Michael Hawks Collection: Volume II)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2008-08-13
GOOF ON THE ROOF
[ The short opens with the Stooges sleeping under the covers of their bed, snoring loudly ]
MOE AND LARRY: ZZZZZZZZ
SHEMP: EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB!
[ A ringing noise is heard repeatedly in the background. Moe gets up from under the covers, revealing that the Stooges are actually sleeping upside down in their bed, with their feet resting on the pillows. Moe reaches for the phone and picks it up. ]
MOE: Hello? Hello?!
LARRY: ZZZZZZZZ
SHEMP: EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB!
MOE: Will you wake up, you snoring hyenas?! I can’t hear a thing!
[ Moe punches Shemp and Larry in the stomach, waking them up ]
SHEMP AND LARRY: OHH!!
MOE: Stop snorin’! [ to the phone ] Hello? [ pauses ] No wonder I can’t hear a thing - there’s nobody on the line!
[ The ringing noise in the background continues ]
MOE: It’s the doorbell! [ to Larry ] Get outta m’way! [ gets out of bed ]
[ Shemp and Larry sit up on the bed ]
LARRY: Oh, guess I’ll have my morning smoke. [ puts a cigar in his mouth ]
SHEMP: Where’d he go? Where’s Moe? Where did Moe go? [ yawns ]
[ Larry has a hard time lighting a match for his cigar. He looks at Shemp, grins, then flicks the match on the back of Shemp’s head. ]
SHEMP: OWW!! OWW!! OW!
LARRY: Ahh, what are ya squawkin’ about?
[ Larry tries to light his cigar with the match, but ends up burning his nose instead of the cigar ]
LARRY: OOWWWWWW!!
[ Moe returns with a telegram in his hand ]
MOE: Hey! It’s a telegram from Bill.
[ Shemp and Larry get up out of bed and stand next to Moe ]
MOE: This explains why he didn’t come home last night. [ reading ] “Got married last night, flying home today. Sorry, must ask you to move. Ordered TV set delivered today. Pay men for installing antenna. Repay you later. Regards, Bill.”
LARRY: Say, why can’t we put up the television antenna ourselves? And we save him the money for the wedding present?
MOE: Wonderful. Let’s clean up the joint. Now, rise and shine!
[ The Stooges take off their pajamas, revealing their clothes already on underneath ]
SHEMP: Oh, that’s nice of him to send a telegram.
MOE AND LARRY: Yeah!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with Shemp mopping the floor in the living room. Moe comes into the living room through the kitchen with a sandwich in his hand and accidentally bumps the kitchen door into Shemp’s behind. ]
SHEMP: WHOOOAAAA!!
[ Shemp falls forward and lands head-first into a bucket of water. Shemp takes his head out, and his hair is dripping wet. He pushes his hair back and angrily walks over to Moe. ]
SHEMP: Why don’t you watch where you’re goin’?!
MOE: Relax. As soon as I eat this jelly sandwich, I’ll help you guys. I can’t work on an empty stomach!
SHEMP: Well, I’m hungry and I haven’t e--
MOE: Aw, shut up and finish your job!
[ Moe walks away and without looking, he steps on a bar of soap on the floor and slips on it ]
MOE: OOOOOOOOOHHHOOHHHHH!!
[ Moe falls forward and lands head-first into the bucket of water ]
MOE: BLUB-BLUB-BLUB-BLUB!
[ Shemp and Larry rush over to Moe and keep trying to pull the bucket off of his head, but the bucket handle is lodged under Moe’s chin ]
MOE: AAHH! OHH! AAAAH!
LARRY: Wait a minute! [ tries to pull the bucket again ]
MOE: AAAH!
LARRY: Hey, it’s stuck! Help me get it loose! The water must’ve swelled his head!
SHEMP: Aw, he always had a swelled head!
[ Shemp and Larry repeatedly bang the top of the bucket with a brush and feather duster ]
MOE: OW OH OH OH OH!
[ Moe punches Shemp and Larry in the stomachs ]
SHEMP AND LARRY: OHH!
MOE: Stop doin’ it for me! You’re doin’ it to me!!
[ Moe pulls the bucket off of his head, then stands up ]
MOE: Ohh, my neck! [ to Shemp ] You nitwit! W--
[ Moe looks down and notices his sandwich soaking in the puddle on the floor. He picks the sandwich up, and wrings the water out of it like a washcloth. ]
MOE: W-- [ gets a smirk on his face, then looks at Shemp ] Say, did you say you were hungry?
SHEMP: Oh, I’m starved!
MOE: How’d ya like to have my sandwich?
SHEMP: Oh, I’d love it!
MOE: You got it! [ shoves the sandwich all over Shemp’s face ]
SHEMP: OH!
MOE: Ha ha ha ha!
SHEMP: [ deadpan ] Why???
MOE: Get another bucket full of water and finish up the mopping, or you’ll find out why and how! [ hands Shemp the bucket ]
[ Shemp wipes some of the sandwich off his face, then taps Moe on the shoulder ]
MOE: Yes?
[ Shemp throws the sandwich parts into Moe’s face, then wipes some more all over his face ]
SHEMP: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
MOE: [ raising his fist ] Why, you--!!
SHEMP: OH!
[ Shemp runs forward and trips over the bottom half of the kitchen door, crashing inside the kitchen ]
SHEMP: AAAAAHHHHH!!! [ leaning up on the floor ] Oh!
[ Moe walks in the kitchen ]
MOE: What’s the matta with you?! [ helps Shemp up ] What are ya playin’ around for?!
SHEMP: Oh, but it’s that door!
MOE: Never mind the door! I’ll fix it! Go get some water!
[ Moe moves the bottom half of the kitchen door close to the upper half ]
MOE: What a nitwit!
[ Larry is dusting furniture nearby. The upper half of the door gets in his way, so he pushes it away towards the kitchen. ]
MOE: I never saw a guy like that!
[ The upper half of the kitchen door bumps into Moe’s back ]
MOE: OHHH!! [ turns towards the door ] You--
[ The door bumps into Moe’s face ]
MOE: OHH!
[ Moe almost falls down, but he stands himself up ]
MOE: Hmm!
[ Moe slowly walks through the kitchen door, holding his head ]
MOE: Oh!
LARRY: I didn’t know you were standin’ there, Moe! I wouldn’t have slammed the door!
MOE: Oh, you slammed it?
LARRY: Yeah!
MOE: Ha ha! [ pinches Larry’s cheek ] That’s alright, kid. [ pointing to the upper half of the door ] Hey, is that a spot?
LARRY: Where?
[ Moe shoves the door into Larry’s face ]
MOE: There! Now go on, get busy!
[ Shemp returns with a bucket full of fresh water ]
MOE: I don’t want any more trouble with you, either!
SHEMP: Okay, okay!
MOE: Well, get to work! I gotta make myself another sandwich! [ leaves ]
SHEMP: Ehh… I hope ya choke!
[ Shemp walks away and without looking, he steps on a bar of soap and slips ]
SHEMP: AAAAAAAAAH OHHHHHHH!!!
[ Shemp falls forward and lands head-first into the bucket of water ]
SHEMP: BLUB-BLUB-BLUB-BLUB!
[ Shemp pulls the bucket off of his head and stands up ]
[ In the kitchen, Moe looks at an empty jar of jelly ]
MOE: How do ya like that? No more jelly. Guess I’ll have to eat cheese.
[ Moe takes out a bar of cheese ]
MOE: Gotta get some bread.
[ Moe walks to another part of the kitchen and takes out some bread ]
[ Back in the living room, Shemp picks up the bar of soap from the floor ]
SHEMP: You cockeyed soap! Ya troublemaker!
[ Shemp throws the bar of soap behind him, into the kitchen. The soap lands onto the table, knocking the bar of cheese off the table. ]
[ Moe takes his bread and returns to the kitchen table. He cuts some slices from the bar of soap, thinking it’s cheese, and puts it on his bread. ]
[ In the living room, Larry is dusting around the chimney. He picks up a vase and dusts behind it. ]
SHEMP: I’ll get some more water and be right back.
[ Shemp walks forward without looking and bumps into the bottom half of the kitchen door ]
SHEMP: Oh! Darn that door again! [ looks at the bucket ] And this, too!
[ Shemp throws the bucket and it crashes right into the vase Larry’s holding, smashing it in half. Larry looks at the broken vase. ]
LARRY: [ sarcastically ] Valuable antique… [ to Shemp ] You mutton-head!
[ Larry throws the feather duster off-camera at Shemp. A loud suction sound is heard. ]
SHEMP: [ off-camera ] OHHH!! WHOAHH!!
[ The camera cuts over to Shemp, revealing the feather duster shoved inside one ear, and sticking out the other ]
SHEMP: AAAH AAAH!! LARRY!!! AAH!
LARRY: Hold it, kid, I’ll get it in a minute! Now hold it still!
[ Larry slowly pulls the duster out of Shemp’s ears ]
LARRY: There we go! There!
SHEMP: OWW-OHH!
LARRY: There!
[ In the kitchen, Moe spreads peanut butter on top of the soap on his bread, and is then finished making the sandwich. He takes a bite out of it. ]
MOE: [ delighted ] Mmm-hmm! Heavenly!
[ Moe takes another bite, then takes a sip from a bottle of vinegar ]
MOE: Yummy yummy!
[ In the living room, Shemp is still holding his ears and moaning in pain ]
LARRY: Stop squawkin’ and get busy, or I’ll… dust your brains out again!
[ Shemp fearfully runs away and bumps in the bottom half of the kitchen door once again, crashing into the kitchen. ]
SHEMP: OHHHH AAAAAAHHHHH!!!
[ Shemp gets up from the floor ]
SHEMP: [ crying ] Ahhh hah hah! Mmm, that cockeyed door again! I’ll fix it!
[ Shemp connects the bottom and upper halves of the kitchen door with a lock ]
SHEMP: Yes sir, that’ll fix you.
[ Shemp picks up his bucket and walks towards the kitchen sink ]
[ The phone in the living room rings ]
LARRY: I’m comin’! I’m comin’! [ picks up the phone ] Hello? [ pause ] Yeah, we’re waitin’ for the television set! [ pause ] You’re bringin’ it right over? Thanks!
[ Larry puts his finger on the phone dial and hangs up the phone, accidentally crunching his finger under it ]
LARRY: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! [ to the kitchen ] Hey, Moe! Shemp!
[ No response ]
LARRY: Always stallin’! [ walks towards the kitchen ] Two guys are never around when I want ‘em…
[ Larry pushes the closed kitchen door open and we hear a bumping sound inside the kitchen, followed by a loud crash. Larry opens the door fully, revealing Shemp sitting on the floor with the bucket of water over his head. ]
SHEMP: BLUB-BLUB-BLUB-BLUB! BLUB-BLUB-BLUB-BLUB!!
[ Shemp slowly takes the bucket off of his head, spits out some water from his mouth, then hiccups loudly a few times ]
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with the Stooges in the living room. Moe and Larry are standing next to the new TV set, while Shemp is setting up the antenna in the background. ]
MOE: Take it easy, now.
[ Moe and Larry lift the heavy TV set across the living room, then stop ]
[ Moe looks at Shemp installing the antenna ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Look at this boy! [ to Shemp ] Alright, we’ll give ya a hand!
[ Larry hands Moe a few screws ]
LARRY: There you are.
[ Shemp accidentally crunches his finger while installing the antenna ]
SHEMP: OUCH! Ouch, my fing-- [ looks at his ring ] I nearly ruined the ring my girl… won for me in a Cracker Jack box! I’ll take it off for safety.
[ Shemp struggles with getting his ring off ]
SHEMP: Mmm! It’s tight!
[ The ring pops off and lands inside the back of the TV set behind Shemp ]
SHEMP: Ohh!
[ Shemp crouches down and tries to reach inside the back of the TV set, but his hands can’t fit ]
SHEMP: How do ya like that? But that won’t stop me!
[ Shemp takes the back of a hammer and yanks off the screen door on the back of the TV set, then looks around inside the set. He takes a screwdriver and starts unscrewing one of the parts in the set. ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Hey, we’re short a couple of screws. Go in the kitchen and get some.
LARRY: Okay!
[ Larry begins walking away, but steps on something on the floor and hurts his foot ]
LARRY: OOOH!! OOOH!! OOH! I twisted my ankle!!
[ Larry picks up a knob from the floor that he stepped on. The knob is now bent. ]
LARRY: Hey! This is the control knob off the television set.
MOE: Ya stepped on it and bent it! Now get a hammer and fix it!
[ Larry cringes, then walks away ]
MOE: [ shaking the antenna ] This thing is still loose!
[ Larry holds the control knob over the wall ]
LARRY: Ahh, I gotcha!
[ Larry begins banging on the knob over the wall with a hammer. He accidentally hammers a hole in the wall and the knob falls through. ]
LARRY: I lost the knob.
[ Larry puts his hand inside the wall and tries to reach the knob, but can’t ]
LARRY: I need a longer arm or a shorter wall. [ pause ] Shorter wall!
[ Larry begins banging a bigger hole in the wall ]
[ Shemp is pulling out various gadgets from inside the TV set. He struggles while pulling the TV tube out. ]
SHEMP: Come on, kid! No, nothin’s gonna help ya, come on!
[ Shemp takes the tube out and puts it on the floor ]
SHEMP: I’ll getcha!
[ While fixing the antenna, Moe looks over and notices Shemp taking the TV set apart, then does a double-take. Moe puts down the antenna and walks over to Shemp in disbelief. ]
MOE: Why--
SHEMP: My beautiful Cracker Jack ring is in here. Right in he--
[ Shemp puts his hand inside the TV set and finds the ring ]
SHEMP: I got it!
MOE: [ picking up the TV tube ] No, you haven’t, but you’re gonna get it!
SHEMP: Wait a minute, Moe! That thing cost 100 bucks.
MOE: So it does. [ puts the tube down ] Here’s somethin’ for free!
[ Moe nosehonks Shemp three times ]
SHEMP: OOH!! OOH!! OOH!!
[ Moe puts his fist under Shemp’s chin and moves Shemp’s jaw up and down repeatedly ]
SHEMP: AAAAH-BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH!!
[ Moe stops when he looks at Larry and notices him sticking his head inside the hole in the wall while holding a lit match. Moe walks over to Larry and kicks him in the behind. ]
LARRY: OW!
MOE: What’s the matta with you?! [ takes Larry’s match ] You tryin’ to burn the joint down?
[ Moe throws the lit match into the hole in the wall behind him ]
MOE: Listen, I’m telling you--
LARRY: Moe! I dropped a knob in the wall and had to get it out!
MOE: That’s no excuse. That’s how guys start fires - playing with matches in houses.
LARRY: Yeah.
MOE: Now I’m telling you, one of these days--
LARRY: Hey, I smell smoke. You chewin’ tobacco?
MOE: [ checks inside his mouth ] No.
[ Moe sniffs the air, then looks behind him and realizes there’s smoke coming out from inside the hole in the wall ]
MOE: You idiot! You did set that joint on fire! [ slaps Larry ] Go on, get some water! Hurry up!
[ Larry rushes into the kitchen ]
MOE: Hurry up!!
[ Shemp walks over to Moe ]
SHEMP: Hey, Moe, what’s cookin’?
MOE: Your goose if you don’t shut up and do somethin’!
SHEMP: Alright.
[ Shemp looks at the smoke from the hole in the wall ]
SHEMP: OOH! The joint's on fire! [ rubbing his hands together ] Oh, if we only had some marshmallows! Go out and get some marshmallows!
MOE: [ gives Shemp a double-handed slap ] What’s marshmallows?! Come on, get this thing out! “Marshmallows”!
SHEMP: Alright, let me fan it… I’ll fan it out! [ waves a board over the fire ]
[ In the kitchen, Larry fills a bucket with water, then rushes back into the living room. He tries to throw the water into the hole, but ends up splashing it all over Moe and Shemp instead. ]
LARRY: Get out of my way when I’m fightin’ fire, and quit blockin’ the water! Now I’ll have to get some more!
[ Larry runs back to the kitchen and begins to fill the bucket with water again ]
[ Moe tries to stick his face in the hole in the wall, but the smoke is coming out stronger ]
MOE: PFFT! It’s gettin’ worse! [ to Shemp ] Hey, there’s a fire extinguisher in the kitchen, go get it!
SHEMP: Alright.
MOE: Hurry up!
SHEMP: Wait’ll I find my wet lacquer.
[ Shemp rushes to the kitchen door and pushes it open ]
LARRY: [ off-camera ] WHOOOAAAAA!!
[ A crashing sound is heard ]
LARRY: [ off-camera ] BLUB-BLUB-BLUB-BLUB-BLUB-BLUB!
[ Shemp opens the kitchen door and sees that Larry is sitting on the floor with the bucket over his head ]
SHEMP: Wait a minute! Is that me?!
LARRY: [ takes the bucket off his head ] No, it’s me!!
SHEMP: Well, go on and get that garden hose!
LARRY: Okay. [ gets up ]
SHEMP: Go on!
[ Shemp grabs the extinguisher from the wall and returns to the living room ]
MOE: [ grabbing the extinguisher ] Gimme that thing! Look out!
[ Moe points the extinguisher at the hole in the wall and tries spraying, but nothing comes out. He points the extinguisher to his face instead to see what’s wrong, and the extinguisher sprays right into his mouth. ]
MOE: Well!…okay!
[ Moe points the extinguisher at the hole and tries spraying, but again nothing comes out ]
MOE: MMMMNNNN!!
[ Moe points the extinguisher at his face and it sprays water into his mouth again. Moe turns back to the smoke in the hole and points the extinguisher at it and sprays, but once again nothing comes out. ]
MOE: AAAAGH!!
[ Moe points the extinguisher at his face and it sprays into his mouth once again. This time, Moe just shrugs his shoulders, and spits the water in his mouth into the wall. He sprays more water into his mouth and repeats this several times. ]
[ In the kitchen, Larry connects the garden hose to the sink. He turns on the faucet and water from the hose accidentally sprays in his face. Larry grabs the hose and rushes out the kitchen door, but the hose gets tangled and he goes flipping over forward and crashing into the ground. ]
[ After he gets up, he grabs the hose again and untangles it ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] It’s dry!
SHEMP: [ off-camera ] Keep pumpin’!
[ Larry rushes over to Shemp and Moe with the hose ]
SHEMP: Gimme that hose! [ tries to grab the hose ]
LARRY: No!!
SHEMP: Gimme that hose!!
LARRY: NO!! No! I said no!
[ Larry accidentally sprays the water into Shemp’s face ]
SHEMP: Let go, will ya?
LARRY: No.
[ Shemp and Larry unknowingly point the hose right at Moe and spray his face with water while they’re arguing ]
SHEMP: Will you let go of it?
LARRY: I know how to work it!
SHEMP: I’m a volunteer!
MOE: HEEEEYYY!!!
[ Shemp and Larry move the hose away from Moe’s face ]
MOE: [ points to the hole ] The fire’s in there!
SHEMP: Okay.
[ Shemp places the hose inside of the wall and sprays the fire out with the water ]
SHEMP: That did it, Larry! That did it!
LARRY: Ha ha!
MOE: Oh, no it didn’t. [ grabs the hose ] But this did!
[ Moe sprays the hose in Shemp’s face ]
SHEMP: OH OH OH!!
[ Moe sprays the hose inside of the front of Shemp’s pants ]
SHEMP: AAAHH HAH HAH HAH!!
LARRY: Wait a minute! [ hands Shemp the antenna ] Go shut the water off, and hook this antenna up on the roof.
MOE: Now hurry up!
[ Shemp leaves ]
LARRY: Get outta here!
MOE: [ grabbing Larry’s hair ] And you…. get that control knob outta the wall while I put the television set back together again!
LARRY: Alright.
[ Larry puts his arm inside of the hole in the wall, but still can’t reach the knob ]
LARRY: No…
[ Larry takes a hammer and bangs another hole towards the bottom of the wall, then sticks his hand in and tries to reach the knob ]
LARRY: No…
[ Larry bangs through another part of the wall where an electricity switch is on ]
[ Meanwhile, Moe is trying to untangle some wires on one of the TV gadgets. He pulls the wire so hard, his hand slips and accidentally slaps himself in the face. ]
MOE: OH!! [ puts the gadget down ] Just for that, you don’t go in there!
[ Moe picks up another gadget from the TV and starts placing it back inside the set ]
MOE: [ to the gadget ] RUFF!!
[ Larry continues banging more holes into the wall ]
LARRY: I’ll get it!
[ Moe looks at the drinking glass-shaped TV tube ]
MOE: Hmm…. champagne glass! Well!
[ Moe puts the tube back into the set ]
[ Larry looks through one of the holes in the wall ]
LARRY: Oh, there it is! Ha ha ha ha! [ puts his hand inside the wall ]
[ Moe is finished putting the TV set back together again ]
MOE: There! Good as new!
LARRY: Hey, Moe! Moe! I got it! I found the knob!
MOE: Good work, kid! W--
[ Moe does a double-take when he sees the many holes in the wall ]
MOE: NGAAAAH!! That’s swiss cheese! Look whatcha did to the wall! How you gonna explain that to Bill?
LARRY: Woodpeckers! Ha ha ha ha!
MOE: Ha ha ha ha!
LARRY: That’s a good one, ain’t it?
MOE: Yeah! Here’s a better one!
[ Moe sets Larry up into the knee-elbow-chin position ]
LARRY: What happens now?
MOE: This!
[ Moe kicks Larry’s leg upwards, causing Larry to punch himself in the chin ]
LARRY: OHH!
MOE: Now go on! Get those boards up there!
[ Larry goes over to get the boards ]
MOE: I gotta get that plug back so we can plug the television set in!
[ Moe reaches inside the wall and pulls the electricity switch out ]
MOE: Hmm! [ begins setting the switch back up on the wall ]
[ Larry is picking up several wooden boards from the floor ]
LARRY: [ singing ] Nyaaaaaahaaaahhhhh…
[ Moe is using a screwdriver to screw the switch into the wall ]
MOE: I’ll have this television set together in no time!
[ Moe’s screwdriver slips and digs through the switch.
MOE: Nyaaaah! AAAAAH! NYAAAAH-AAAAAAH-AAAAAAH!!!
[ Larry sees that Moe is in trouble, so he drops all the boards in his hand onto the floor ]
MOE: LARRY!!
LARRY: Wait a minute, Moe! I’ll put it out!
[ Larry grabs a flower vase and splashes the water into the wall, but that only causes the sparks to become stronger and Moe to get more severely electrocuted ]
LARRY: Wait a minute, Moe! I got an idea! Don’t go away!
[ Larry runs over to the window, yanks off the shades, and rips the band off from it. He returns to Moe, wraps the band around Moe’s neck, and pulls. Moe’s head gets pulled towards Larry’s head, bonking them together and knocking them both into a daze. ]
[ On the roof, Shemp is trying to hook the antenna to the chimney. He bangs a small axe into the chimney several times, causing the chimney bricks to become loose. ]
[ Larry sticks his head out the window and yells upwards to Shemp ]
LARRY: Come on, Shemp! Hurry up!
[ Shemp gives the chimney another whack. Several bricks fall off, each landing on top of Larry’s head. ]
LARRY: OH!
[ Larry tries to go back inside the window, but he forgets to duck and he bumps the back of his head on the window. ]
SHEMP: [ holding the antenna ] Well, this cockeyed thing won't work here. I’d better nail it to the roof. By golly…
[ Shemp stands in the middle of the roof and begins hammering the antenna into the roof, unintentionally banging a hole through the roof. The antenna begins moving around through the hole. ]
SHEMP: Don’t move around there!
[ Half of the antenna moves down the hole, causing small roof pieces to fall through and land on Moe and Larry inside the house. ]
LARRY: OHH!
MOE: [ looking up ] You imbecile! Leave that alone and come down here!
SHEMP: I’m comin’!
[ Shemp sets the antenna on the corner of the roof, but it tips over by accident ]
SHEMP: Oop! [ walks over the roof hole ] How do you like that guy? I--
[ Shemp falls through the roof and crashes inside the house, falling on top of Moe, Larry, and the TV set. The TV breaks and the Stooges fall on the floor. ]
[ After the dust clears, the Stooges sit up, and Shemp has a TV bulb in his mouth. He takes the bulb out as Moe and Larry look at him. ]
SHEMP: I faw down!
MOE AND LARRY: [ sigh ]
[ Outside the house, the Stooges’ roommate Bill and his bride, a heavyset woman, arrive ]
BILL: Well, rosebud, here we are! Our little love nest!
WIFE: Yes.
BILL: [ opens the door ] In we go.
WIFE: But Bill, darling… a bride never crosses her threshold by herself.
BILL: You’re right, little dumplin’.
[ Bill pulls up his sleeves, spits on his hands, then suddenly jumps into his bride’s arms ]
WIFE: Aww! [ giggles ]
[ The wife walks inside the house while carrying Bill ]
WIFE: Oh, I’m so happy! This is so wonderful!
[ The wife looks around the house and sees the Stooges sitting in the middle of a tattered living room, with broken stuff all over the floor and huge holes in the wall. ]
WIFE: [ gasping ] Ohh! Oh! Why… I wouldn’t live in this rat-nest!
[ The wife drops Bill on the ground, and storms out of the house. Bill sits up from the floor. ]
BILL: But baby--!
LARRY: Ahh, let her go, Bill!
[ The Stooges get up from the floor and help up Bill ]
MOE: Sure, Bill! Then the four of us can live in peace and harmony!
BILL: Why, you homewreckers!! I’m-- I'm gonna--
[ Bill reaches behind a chair and pulls out a rifle ]
ALL STOOGES: Wait a minute! WHOAA!!
[ The Stooges rush over to the couch as Bill chases them with the rifle ]
ALL STOOGES: Don’t shoot, Bill!! Don't shoot!!
[ The Stooges jump over the couch, then hold pillows over their behinds as they bend over. Bill rushes up to the Stooges. ]
BILL: I gotcha!
[ Bill fires his rifle three times at the Stooges, and many pillow feathers fly in the air behind the couch. Several seconds later, the Stooges kneel away from behind the couch with smoke coming from their behinds. ]
ALL STOOGES: OOWW OOWWW OOOH OOWWW OHHH OWWW!!
[ Bill watches as the Stooges repeatedly drag their behinds on the ground ]
ALL STOOGES: OWW OWW OWW!! OH OH OH!! OWW OWWW OWWW!!
[ The Stooges drag their behinds all the way out the door ]
THE END
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