Lobby Cards: The Classic Comedies (The Michael Hawks Collection: Volume II)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2008-09-02
DON’T THROW THAT KNIFE
[ The short opens with a disclaimer that states: “ANY RESEMBLANCE BETWEEN THE THREE STOOGES AND REGULAR HUMAN BEINGS, WHETHER LIVING OR DEAD, IS A DIRTY SHAME.” ]
[ The scene dissolves to the Stooges walking down the hallway of an apartment building while humming and whistling to themselves. Moe stops the Stooges suddenly. ]
MOE: Hold it! Right here is where we start to take the census. I’ll question the first one so you guys can get the hang of it, then you’ll take the lower floors. [ pause ] Hey, incidentally, you fellas remember what you were taught?
SHEMP: Well, I…
LARRY: Yeah, uh…
SHEMP: [ points to Larry ] He--
MOE: Yeah, I see you don’t remember! Well, we’ll have to rehearse. Larry, you play the part of husband of the house… [ to Shemp ] You play his wife.
SHEMP: Oh, no, I wouldn’t be his wife.
LARRY: Why not?!
SHEMP: You’re not my type!
[ Larry flicks Shemp’s nose ]
SHEMP: OOH!
MOE: Alright, come on! [ opens a closet door ] Get in there and pretend this is your house. Come on. Get a move on.
[ Shemp and Larry go inside the closet and Moe closes the door ]
MOE: Get goin’ in there! Ha ha--
[ Moe opens his census record book and accidentally smacks himself in the face with it ]
MOE: OOH!
[ Moe picks up a pencil, then knocks on the closet door ]
SHEMP: [ in feminine voice ] Come in.
[ Moe opens the closet door and Shemp and Larry step out. Shemp is dressed in a long mop wig, fake eyelashes, and an apron over his jacket, and Larry has on a hat and is wearing a comb over his lip for a moustache. ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Oh, pardon me, madam, I was looking for my two partners!
[ Moe begins to walk away as Shemp and Larry look at each other with confused expressions. Moe suddenly stops and does a double-take, then looks back at Shemp and Larry in surprise. ]
MOE: [ clears throat ] Good morning. What is your name, please?
SHEMP: [ in feminine voice ] Shempetta Howard.
MOE: Well… married or single?
SHEMP: Married. [ points to Larry ] And this is my husband - [ in normal voice ] the rat!
LARRY: Cut it out!
MOE: Tell me, sir, have you any children?
[ Larry silently counts many times with his fingers ]
LARRY: No children.
MOE: Where were you born, madam?
SHEMP: In the hospital.
MOE: Hospital??
SHEMP: Yes, I wanted to be near my mother!
MOE: Mmm-hmm. Is this your home state?
SHEMP: No, we’re from the South. Hallelujah!
SHEMP AND LARRY: [ speaking southern phrases simultaneously ]
MOE: Wait a minute… please! What part of the south?
SHEMP:
LARRY: Mighty pretty country around there. That’s the home of the wild gooses, and the mooses, and the meeses--
MOE: And the mouses!
[ Moe slaps Larry’s comb-moustache off and pushes him and Shemp back in the closet ]
MOE: Come onnn, get goin’! Hurry up now, and let’s get goin’! We got plenty of work to do here.
[ Shemp and Larry exit the closet dressed back to normal ]
LARRY: Alright.
MOE: By the way, where’s our credentials?
SHEMP: In the safe.
MOE: Oh.
[ Moe begins walking away, then he stops and does a double-take ]
MOE: What safe?!
SHEMP: In here…
[ Shemp unbuttons his shirt and reveals a safe tied over his stomach ]
MOE: Larry, open it.
[ Larry turns the safe combination around a bit and suddenly, loud music from a musical box is heard ]
SHEMP: April Fool! [ holds up a small box ] It’s a musical powder box! Ha ha ha ha!
MOE: [ takes the box ] What do ya know? A musical powder box.
SHEMP: Yeah, ha ha ha ha!
MOE: Well...
[ Moe throws powder from the box into Shemp’s face ]
MOE: Musical powder-- I’ll get the credentials myself!
[ Moe opens the safe and suddenly, a long snake/worm pops it’s head out in front of Moe’s face while a high-pitched WRRRRIIIIIG! sound is heard ]
MOE: NYAAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAH!!
[ Moe looks at the long snake/worm and realizes it’s fake ]
MOE: What is that?
SHEMP: I rigged that up myself!
MOE: [ holding the head ] Boy, looks real natural. And it’s got baby blue eyes!
[ Suddenly, the snake/worm sprays water into Moe’s face ]
MOE: AAARGH!!
SHEMP: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! ARPIL FOOL!! HA HA HA HA!!
[ Moe takes the safe off of Shemp’s stomach, then takes off Shemp’s hat and hands it to him ]
MOE: Here, hold that.
SHEMP: Thank you. There’s powder on--
[ Moe smashes the safe on top of Shemp’s head ]
SHEMP: OOH!! OHH!
LARRY: Hey, leave him alone, you--
MOE: [ slaps Larry ] Quiet! Come on, we gotta get some work done here!
LARRY: [ dusting off Shemp ] We’ll clean ‘im up!
MOE: [ dusting off Shemp ] Clean ‘im up!
LARRY: That’s it, clean ‘im up good!
[ Moe messes up Shemp’s hair, causing it to hang over Shemp’s eyes ]
SHEMP: Ohh…
LARRY: There you are!
SHEMP: Now which way do we go?
MOE: [ looking at Shemp ] Where is everybody?
SHEMP: I don’t know.
MOE: [ pushes back Shemp’s hair ] Oh, here he is.
SHEMP: Hello.
[ Moe lightly slaps Shemp’s face while trying to clean the powder off of his face ]
SHEMP: Alright.
LARRY: [ hands Moe his census book ] Now, here’s your book back.
MOE: Alright.
[ Larry tries to hand Shemp his census book back, but Shemp turns towards the wall and walks into it ]
LARRY: Here, here!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with Moe spit-shining Shemp’s hair to look clean and neat ]
MOE: Alright, come on, get busy. We gotta earn some money.
SHEMP: [ waves hand ] Money? Ahh, money shrinks!
MOE: So do you… every time you get near a bathtub! Remember - we’re census takers, not ordinary idiots.
SHEMP: That’s right.
[ The Stooges walk up to the outside of an apartment and Larry knocks on the door. A few seconds later, a woman named Lucy Wycoff opens the door. ]
ALL STOOGES: How do you do?
MRS. WYCOFF: I don’t want any! [ turns away ]
LARRY: Wait a minute! We’re census takers!
MRS. WYCOFF: [ sobbing ] Oh… what have I done to deserve this?
SHEMP: [ hands her a hanky ] Here, lady.
[ Mrs. Wycoff opens the handkerchief, which has the words “CRY IN THIS” written on the inside of it. She angrily gives the hanky back to Shemp. ]
MRS. WYCOFF: [ sighs ] Very well. Walk this way.
[ Mrs. Wycoff walks in a feminine manner into her apartment. The Stooges shrug their shoulders, then follow her inside the apartment while walking in the same feminine way she did. Larry closes the door behind him with his foot. ]
MRS. WYCOFF: You must excuse my place. We just moved in.
MOE: Sure.
[ Moe opens his census book and begins coughing loudly ]
MOE: What is your name, please?
MRS. WYCOFF: Wycoff.
MOE: A little irritation in the throat. [ coughing ] Uh, as I said before, your name please?
MRS. WYCOFF: Wycoff!
LARRY: Because he don’t brush his teeth, lady!
MOE: [ whacks Larry with his census book ] Quiet! [ coughing ] Your name, please!
MRS. WYCOFF: Wycoff!!
SHEMP: Excuse him, lady. He’s got a frog in his throat from eatin’ toadstools! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[ Moe bites Shemp’s ear ]
SHEMP: OOOUCH!! OWWWW!! OHH!! Let go my ear! You’ll give me earysyphillis!
MOE: Then quit clownin’! [ eyepokes Shemp ]
SHEMP: OHH!!
MRS. WYCOFF: You asked me my name! It’s Wycoff, Lucy Wycoff.
LARRY: Are you married?
MRS. WYCOFF: Yes. And I’m terribly upset and frightened.
LARRY: Why??
MRS. WYCOFF: Because my husband’s insanely jealous. He almost killed a man! The man merely spoke to me!
[ Shemp and Larry look at each other nervously ]
SHEMP: Adios!
LARRY: Toodle-oo!
SHEMP: Good-bye!
LARRY: Ver g’harget!!
[ Shemp and Larry walk towards the door ]
MOE: Come back here!
[ Shemp and Larry walk back over to Moe ]
MOE: We’re not finished, you cowards!
[ Moe bops Larry’s forehead, then bops Shemp behind him without looking ]
SHEMP: OOH!
MOE: Now get busy!
LARRY: Alright. [ to Mrs. Wycoff ] What does your husband do?
MRS. WYCOFF: He’s an expert in legerdemain.
LARRY: Legerdemai-- Oh, a bookkeeper!
MRS. WYCOFF: No, he’s a prestidigitator.
SHEMP: Oh, a pants-presser!
MOE: Are you guys ignorant?! Didn’t you hear the lady say… he presses refrigerators!
SHEMP AND LARRY: Ohh!
MRS. WYCOFF: No, no, no! We do an illusion act in vaudeville. He’s a magician. He makes things disappear.
SHEMP: I got an uncle who could make things disappear!
MOE: Is he a magician?
SHEMP: No, he’s a kleptomaniac! Ha ha ha ha ha--
[ Moe pushes Shemp off-camera by kicking his behind ]
SHEMP: OOH!!
[ A few seconds later, a loud crash noise is heard off-camera, which startles Moe and Larry ]
[ The camera cuts over to Shemp, who has crashed through a mirror and is laying unconscious on the floor ]
[ Moe and Larry run over to Shemp ]
MOE: What’s the matter wit--
[ Moe and Larry each notice a trick mirror on opposite sides of the mirror Shemp crashed through. Thinking they’re real mirrors, Moe and Larry are both stunned by how odd their reflections look. ]
LARRY: [ gasps ]
MOE: No!
[ Moe moves his face down a little and the trick mirror makes his chin and mouth look freakishly long ]
MOE: OOOOOH-OOOOH! AHH!
[ Larry moves his face down a little and the trick mirror makes him look like he has a long forehead ]
LARRY: NYYY! NGAAAGH!
[ Moe and Larry both scratch their odd-looking heads in the reflection ]
LARRY: Hey, Moe! Moe!
[ Larry runs over to Moe ]
LARRY: [ pointing to his trick mirror ] Look in there!
MOE: Okay. [ runs over to Larry’s mirror ]
[ Larry looks into Moe’s mirror and gets shocked when he sees that his waist looks stretched out ]
[ Moe looks into Larry’s mirror, which stretches out the middle of his face ]
MOE: NGGGG-NNNNN!
[ Larry backs up a bit and notices that his upper body in the reflection is replaced with his legs ]
LARRY: [ gasps ]
[ Larry moves his legs around a bit, then crawls on the floor closer to the mirror ]
MOE: Hey, Larry! It can’t be! Larry! [ runs over to Larry ]
[ Meanwhile, Shemp regains consciousness ]
SHEMP: Eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh!
[ Shemp shakes his head, then stands up. He walks over to the trick mirror next to him and looks at his face in it. It stretches his face out and makes it look very long. ]
SHEMP: Nnn-nnn-goob! [ gasps ] MOE!! Moe!!
[ Shemp runs over to Moe and accidentally bumps Moe into Larry ]
MOE: What’s the matter?
SHEMP: I saw a freak in there! He snapped at me! Oh, he scared me!
MOE: You idiot, you’re looking at yourself!
SHEMP: How do ya like that? I always scare myself. Ha ha ha!
MOE: [ slaps Shemp’s head twice ] Aww…
SHEMP: Wait’ll I get my hat! [ picks up his hat ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] What are you doin’? [ grabs Shemp and Larry by the hair ] Come on here! Get somethin’ done around here!
[ The Stooges walk back over to Mrs. Wycoff ]
MRS. WYCOFF: Ooh, you fools! You ruined my trick mirror, that’s part of my act!
SHEMP: We’re sorry, lady.
MRS. WYCOFF: Well, get on with your business before I throw you out of here!
LARRY: Ahh, nobody loves a census taker! Come on, we’ll get this over in a hurry.
[ Moe moves a nearby chair closer to him. He sits down on it, but the legs bend to the ground and Moe falls off. When Moe gets up and looks back, the legs on the chair have already sprung back into place and he scratches his head in confusion. He sits back down on the chair, but the legs bend to the ground again and slam on the ground. ]
MOE: AWWWW!! [ slams his census book down in anger ]
[ Shemp and Larry help Moe up ]
LARRY: What happened here? Get up!
MRS. WYCOFF: Oh, I’m sorry. That’s a trick chair. It’s also part of my act.
MOE: That chair’s got weak knuckles!
LARRY: Now, the first questions will be--
[ A knock on the front door is heard ]
MRS. WYCOFF: Excuse me, please. [ heads towards the door ]
SHEMP: [ to Larry ] Did you get anything?
LARRY: Nah…
SHEMP: [ laughs ] Neither did I.
[ Mrs. Wycoff walks up to the front door ]
MRS. WYCOFF: Who-who is it?
MR. WYCOFF: [ off-camera ] It’s me. Who were you expectin’?!
MRS. WYCOFF: Uh… J-just a minute, dear.
MOE: You know, we’re gettin’ no place fast.
MRS. WYCOFF: It’s my husband! Hide in the bedroom, quickly! If he finds you here, he’ll kill all of us!
SHEMP: We better get someplace, fast!
[ The Stooges run inside the bedroom and close the door ]
[ Mrs. Wycoff finally opens the front door and lets her husband in ]
MR. WYCOFF: Hey, what’s the idea?!
MRS. WYCOFF: Well, I’m sorry, dear. I had to shut off the oven.
MR. WYCOFF: Ohh.
[ In the bedroom, the Stooges notice a nearby window ]
MOE: The window!
[ The Stooges run up to the window. Shemp peeks his head out and realizes that they’re many, many stories up. ]
SHEMP: [ gasps ] OHHHHH!!
[ Shemp almost falls forward out the window, but Moe and Larry catch him ]
MOE: Easy, kid, easy!
MOE AND LARRY: C’mere!
SHEMP: Ohh… ohh…
[ As Moe and Larry are pulling Shemp back into the window, Shemp accidentally bumps his head on the window top ]
SHEMP: OOH! OOH!
[ The Stooges notice an open closet door, so they quickly jump over the two beds, then run into the closet and slam the door shut. Outside in the main room, Mr. and Mrs. Wycoff hear the door slam. ]
MRS. WYCOFF: [ gasps ]
MR. WYCOFF: What was that?!
MRS. WYCOFF: Jus-just the wind.
MR. WYCOFF: Yeah… the wind don’t walk, and I heard footsteps!
[ Mr. Wycoff locks the front door and takes the key ]
MR. WYCOFF: Well, he won’t get out of here!
[ Mr. Wycoff puts the key in his pocket, then walks into the bedroom and searches all over, while Mrs. Wycoff makes sure the Stooges aren’t around. Mr. Wycoff gives up when he can’t find anybody. ]
MRS. WYCOFF: [ sighs ] There! You and your suspicions!
MR. WYCOFF: Okay, okay. Say, we’d better get a little shut-eye before we get to the theater. Remember, we got a couple of extra performances to do tonight.
MRS. WYCOFF: Alright.
[ Mrs. Wycoff sits down on one of the beds and takes off her shoes. Suddenly, the Stooges peek out the closet door right in front of her. ]
MRS. WYCOFF: AAH!
[ The Stooges quickly shut the closet door right before Mr. Wycoff looks over at his wife ]
MR. WYCOFF: What’s the matter?
MRS. WYCOFF: [ holds her stomach ] Ohh, ohh, I’m sick!
MR. WYCOFF: You’re sick?
MRS. WYCOFF: Ohh, yes!
MR. WYCOFF: What’s the matter?
MRS. WYCOFF: Must be something I ate!
MR. WYCOFF: Something you ate…
MRS. WYCOFF: Get me a hot water bottle!
MR. WYCOFF: Hot water bottle…
MRS. WYCOFF: Ohhh…
MR. WYCOFF: Hot water bottle… [ heads towards the closet ] Remember I left it right here in the closet.
MRS. WYCOFF: AAAAH!! NO! Get me an aspirin in the bathroom!
MR. WYCOFF: I’ll get it. [ heads towards the bathroom ]
MRS. WYCOFF: Ohhh… ohhh…
[ After the husband enters the bathroom and closes the door, Mrs. Wycoff quickly gets up from the bed and opens the closet door ]
MRS. WYCOFF: Shh!
[ The Stooges walk out of the closet ]
MRS. WYCOFF: [ whispering ] Now listen, you gotta get out of here quickly--
MR. WYCOFF: [ off-camera ] I’m coming, dear!
[ Mrs. Wycoff suddenly faints backwards and lands on one of the beds ]
MOE: [ to Shemp and Larry ] Scram!
[ Larry quickly hides under Mr. Wycoff’s bed, Moe pulls the cover off of a chair and puts it over himself, and Shemp hides under the covers of Mrs. Wycoff's bed and accidentally bumps his head on the back of the bed ]
SHEMP: OOH!
[ Moe, with the cover over him, crouches down on the floor to make himself look like a chair ]
[ Mr. Wycoff exits the bathroom with an aspirin and a glass of water just as Mrs. Wycoff regains consciousness ]
MR. WYCOFF: Here you are, darling.
MRS. WYCOFF: Oh, thank you.
[ Mrs. Wycoff grabs the water and pill, then Mr. Wycoff turns around ]
MR. WYCOFF: Oh, boy, am I ever tired--
[ Mrs. Wycoff throws the aspirin behind her and it makes a loud rattle sound as it hits the wall. Mr. Wycoff quickly turns back around in confusion. ]
MRS. WYCOFF: [ laughs nervously ] I feel fine now, dear. Thank you.
[ Mrs. Wycoff gets up and goes inside the bathroom ]
[ Mr. Wycoff heads over to the “chair” under the cover and sits on it, but falls right off and slams his leg on the ground ]
MR. WYCOFF: OHH!! OOH!! MY KNEE!
[ Mr. Wycoff stands back up and holds his knee in pain ]
MR. WYCOFF: Ohh! Oh! Ooh, my knee! Confound that trick chair!!
[ Mr. Wycoff kicks the side of the “chair”, hurting his leg even more. As Mr. Wycoff turns around and hops up and down in pain, Moe stands up under the chair cover and hops up and down in pain as well from getting kicked. ]
MR. WYCOFF: OHH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!!
[ Moe quickly crouches back down before Mr. Wycoff turns back around ]
MR. WYCOFF: Ooh, I’ll get rid of that chair!
[ Mr. Wycoff picks up the “chair” and moves it over to the side ]
MR. WYCOFF: There!
[ Mr. Wycoff sits down on his bed. He takes off both of his shoes and throws them under the bed, hitting Larry in the face. Larry stifles his yells, then turns around to face the other side. ]
[ Mr. Wycoff takes off his suit coat, then leans down on the bed. A sharp nail on the bottom of the bed gets pushed down and pokes Larry in the behind. Larry gasps in pain, then covers his mouth. ]
[ Mrs. Wycoff walks out of the bathroom, then pulls the covers over her husband as he falls asleep. Then she sits down on the side of her bed and looks at her leg. Larry peeks his head out from under Mr. Wycoff’s bed. ]
LARRY: [ whispers ] Hey.
MRS. WYCOFF: [ gasps ]
[ Larry crawls out from under the bed, then he and Mrs. Wycoff quickly run into the closet and close the door ]
MRS. WYCOFF: You fool! If he finds you here, he’ll kill you!
LARRY: If he finds me here, I deserve to get killed!
MRS. WYCOFF: Ohh!
[ Larry finds a ladies hat next to him, then puts it on his head and smiles ]
LARRY: Tell him I’m your aunt!
[ Mrs. Wycoff angrily grabs the hat off of Larry’s head and puts it back down ]
[ Shemp comes out from under the covers of Mrs. Wycoff’s bed and accidentally knocks down a lamp, causing a loud crash. Mr. Wycoff quickly wakes up, and Shemp hides back under the covers. His right hand sticks out from under the covers, and Mr. Wycoff thinks it’s his wife under the covers. ]
MR. WYCOFF: Oh, darling, I’m sorry I suspected you. But… well, you know how much I love ya. [ holds Shemp’s hand ] Well, won’t you just… tell me you forgive me?
SHEMP: [ in feminine voice ] I forgive you, dear!
MR. WYCOFF: How about givin’ daddy a… little kiss?
[ Shemp gets a surprised facial expression ]
MR. WYCOFF: Come on, give me a little kiss!
[ Mr. Wycoff kisses Shemp’s hand, then gets a shocked look on his face when he realizes that’s a man’s arm. Wycoff pulls up Shemp’s sleeve a little further, then yanks out a hair from Shemp’s arm. ]
SHEMP: OOOUUCH!! [ in feminine voice ] Ouch! Darling, you’re rough! You hurt little me!
[ Mr. Wycoff pulls off the covers and sees Shemp ]
SHEMP: [ in feminine voice ] Hello!
MR. WYCOFF: Hello.
[ Mr. Wycoff turns around, then does a double-take ]
MR. WYCOFF: OOOOH!! OOOH, WHY--
[ Shemp jumps out of the bed right as Mr. Wycoff lunges at him. Wycoff lands on the bed, and the whole bed crashes apart. ]
MR. WYCOFF: Ugh… Mmmph… murder…
[ Shemp runs out of the room ]
MR. WYCOFF: She DID have a man in here! OOOH!!
[ Moe pulls the chair cover off of himself, then Mr. Wycoff sees him ]
MOE: NGAAAAAAH!! [ runs out of the room ]
MR. WYCOFF: Two men!! I’ll kill ‘em!! That’s what I’ll do, I’ll kill ‘em! I--
[ Larry exits the closet door and kicks Mr. Wycoff on the behind, knocking him down. Then Larry steps on top of his back as he runs out of the room. ]
MR. WYCOFF: THREE men!!!
[ Shemp and Moe are standing outside of the bedroom door ]
MOE: [ whispering ] Wycoff is after us. Give ‘im the works!
[ Larry exits the bedroom door. Moe and Shemp, thinking he’s Mr. Wycoff, each smash a breakable object on his head. Then they realize who he is. ]
SHEMP: It’s Larry!
MOE: Shh!
LARRY: [ dazedly ] Heh heh…
[ Moe lightly slaps Larry’s face several times to bring him back to ]
MOE: Hey, come on, let’s get outta here!
[ The Stooges walk over to the front door and Moe turns the doorknob, but he can’t open it ]
MOE: It’s locked!
[ Moe notices a large box nearby ]
MOE: Quick - we’ll hide in the box!
[ Moe opens the box, and a skeleton suddenly pops out ]
SHEMP AND LARRY: [ gasp ]
MOE: NYAAH!
[ The skeleton flies into the air as a slide whistle sound effect is heard ]
LARRY: NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
[ Larry backs away and bumps into a TV set behind him. He quickly hides behind the set. ]
[ Mr. Wycoff suddenly appears, while wearing a knife belt. He pulls out two of the knives. ]
MR. WYCOFF: HAAAH!
SHEMP AND MOE: AAAAAH!!
MOE: Now, wait a minute!
[ Shemp reaches into the box and pulls out a gun, then points it at Mr. Wycoff ]
SHEMP: Stop or I’ll shoot! I’ll fill ya full of lead!
[ Not intimidated at all, Mr. Wycoff slowly walks towards Shemp and Moe ]
SHEMP: Okay, you asked for it!
[ Shemp pulls the trigger, but a “BANG” flag pops out of the barrel ]
MOE: AAAH!
[ Shemp drops the gun, then he and Moe fearfully back away from Wycoff and lean against the wall ]
SHEMP: No!
[ Mr. Wycoff throws two knives at Shemp and Larry and each knife lands on the wall next to the right side of their faces ]
SHEMP AND MOE: AAAAAAH!!
[ Larry peeks out from behind the TV set ]
MR. WYCOFF: There were three of ya - where’s the third homewrecker?! [ pulls out two more knives ]
[ Larry takes a screwdriver and begins unscrewing the back of the TV set ]
MR. WYCOFF: So you won’t talk, eh?
[ Wycoff throws the two knives at Shemp and Moe and the knives each land on the wall to the left side of their faces ]
SHEMP AND MOE: NYAAAAAAH!!
[ Larry takes the tube out from the TV set ]
MR. WYCOFF: [ holding up another knife ] Are you gonna talk?
[ Wycoff throws the knife at Shemp and it lands into the wall, ripping off the bottom half of his tie ]
SHEMP: Moe!
[ Larry leans into the empty TV screen from the inside and looks at Mr. Wycoff, who’s about to throw another knife ]
LARRY: [ in announcer voice ] Ah ah ah! Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare do anything to endanger the lives of others! When you drive, drive carefully!
MR. WYCOFF: Aaaagh!
[ Wycoff prepares to throw the knife at Shemp and Moe. As he swings the knife backwards, Larry grabs it out of his hand, then pokes it into Wycoff’s behind. ]
MR. WYCOFF: OOHHHHHHH-OOOOH-OOOH-OOOOH-OOOOH!! [ pulls the knife out ] OOOOH!! OHHH-HO-HO-HO-HO--
[ Larry comes out of the TV set, then takes a hammer and whacks Wycoff on the head with it, knocking him out. Shemp and Larry grab a hold of him. ]
MOE: Throw him in the box!
[ Shemp and Larry put Wycoff inside the large box ]
MOE: We’ll take him to the police and charge him with attempted murder.
[ The Stooges close and lock the box, then carry it towards the front door ]
MOE: Hey, wait a minute! This is pretty light!
[ The Stooges turn the box upside-down and realize there’s no bottom. Then they look over off-camera at Wycoff. ]
ALL STOOGES: NYAAAH-AAAAH!
[ The camera cuts over to Wycoff, who’s kneeling in front of an egg-shooting machine ]
MR. WYCOFF: Now I’ve gotcha!
[ Wycoff drops several eggs into the machine, then turns a crank on the machine around. The machine begins shooting eggs all over Moe’s face. ]
[ Larry has his back turned and some eggs hit him on the back of the head. He turns back around and the eggs hit him in the face. ]
[ Shemp waves a napkin in the air to catch Wycoff’s attention ]
MR. WYCOFF: Well, what have you got to say?!
SHEMP: Make mine fried!
[ Wycoff cracks two eggshells over the machine and drops the yolk into it ]
[ The camera briefly cuts over to Shemp waiting with a frozen smile on his face ]
[ Wycoff positions the machine so that it points at Shemp, then he turns the crank on the machine. The machine shoots out the eggs off-camera at Shemp. ]
[ The camera cuts over to Shemp, who has two fried eggs over his eyes, and a third fried egg over his chin. He begins taking it off his face. ]
MR. WYCOFF: Why you, I’ll--!!!
SHEMP: SCRAM!!
LARRY: Look out!
[ Larry crashes right through the front door and the Stooges exit ]
[ The Stooges run down the building hallway, duck into the hallway closet, then exit the closet while riding on scooters. They ride away down the hallway. ]
THE END
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