Lobby Cards: The Classic Comedies (The Michael Hawks Collection: Volume II)
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Transcribed By: xraffle
Date Added: 2008-09-12
[The short opens up on a sign that says: “Daily News- Founded 1890”]
[Dissolve to Fuller’s desk. On his desk is a sign that reads: “Fuller Bull- Managing Editor”]
FULLER: What a newspaper! What an organization! Send those news hawks in here.
SECRETARY: Yes sir!
[The secretary opens the door. Four news hawks walk in all crippled. News hawk #1 has a broken wrist, news hawk #2 has a broken foot and is walking with crutches, news hawk #3 is all beat up on his face, and news hawk #4 has a broken arm.]
FULLER: You’re a fine bunch of reporters. I send you out to get a story and what happens? Nothing!
NEWS HAWK #1: But boss, we couldn’t help it. They got the place surrounded by roughneck guards and it’s suicide for news hawks to be in the neighborhood.
FULLER: [shows the news hawk a newspaper] Oh yeah! Look at the “Star Press.” They got the story!
[Close-up of the newspaper. The headline reads: “Prince Shaam of Ubeedarn Engaged to Widowed Socialite.”]
FULLER: They got the story! That’s what I need on this paper, More men like they have on the “Star Press.” Are they miracle men or what? [bangs on his desk]
[By the window is one of the news hawks. His leg is in a cast. He has his foot resting on the open window in the office]
[Fuller walks up to the wall beside the open window and starts banging on it]
FULLER: I’ll get a story or I’ll tear the town apart. I’ll get a story or else---
[The open window closes on the news hawks broken foot]
NEWS HAWK #2: Owww! Oh! Oh!
[Fuller opens the window. The news hawk gets up and walks away in pain. Fuller sees the stooges outside. Next to the stooges is a truck with the right door open. On the left door, it reads: “Star Press- Daily Delivery”]
FULLER: [to the news hawks] There’s three Star Press reporters now. [yells out the window] Hey! Star Press! [The stooges look up at Fuller] Come on up here!
[Cut to the stooges who are outside. Moe grabs the newspaper Curly is reading and puts it inside the truck. He closes the right door on the back of the truck. When he closes it: both left and right doors read: “Star Cleaning & Pressing Co.”]
[Curly takes out a cigar from his front pocket and bites off the end of it. He spits it out and puts the cigar in his mouth]
MOE: Hey cut out the stalling and go on up there.
LARRY: Yeah, it’s your turn. I’ve been running my legs off all morning till the cuffs on my pants are frayed.
MOE: Afraid of what?
[Cut to Fuller’s office]
FULLER: You’re a great bunch of reporters! You’re all fired. Get out! Hurry up.
[The news hawks leave the office]
MOE: Come on stoop, we’ll all go.
CURLY: Hmm.
MOE: Come on!
[Curly bumps into Moe and the cigar bangs into Moe’s face and gets crushed]
MIOE: Oh!
[Curly looks at his crushed cigar and throws it away]
CURLY: Hmm. [takes out a new cigar] Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
[Curly removes the band off of his cigar. His puts it by his ear and listens. He starts moving his head as if he’s enjoying music. Moe turns around, sees what Curly is doing and he does a double take. Moe walks up to Curly]
MOE: What are you doing?
CURLY: Listening to the band.
MOE: Would you like to hear some birdies.
CURLY: I’d love it.
MOE: Take off your hat!
[Curly takes off his hat and Moe bonks him on the head]
CURLY: Ah!
[Curly gets cross-eyed and we hear birds tweeting]
MOE: Get going! [extends his right arm and points to his right]
[Curly revives and he grabs Moe as if he is going to dance with him]
[Dissolve to the Fuller’s office. The secretary opens the door to let the stooges in. The stooges walk in.]
SECRETARY: This way please.
MOE: Hi ya!
[Curly whistles at the secretary, he turns around and follows her. Moe whistles at Curly, Curly turns around, and stands next to Moe]
FULLER: How are you boys?
STOOGES: How do you do?
[Fuller and the stooges all talk simultaneously. Moe shakes Fuller’s hand while Curly and Larry shake each others’ hands. Then Larry shakes Fuller’s hand while Curly and Larry shake each others’ hands. Moe and Curly then kiss each other on both cheeks.]
FULLER: Well, how would you boys like to do a little work for me?
MOE: Sure, we do the best work in town.
LARRY: Yes and it’s guaranteed.
CURLY: Soitenly. We’re colossal, we’re stupendous, we’re terrific. We’re even superlative. [snaps his fingers]
MOE: Ha! He’s always clowning. Where’s the work boss?
FULLER: [shows a newspaper] Well, here’s the story of Prince Shaam and Old Lady Van Bustle. I want to find out if he really intends to press his suit.
CURLY: He ought to. A man can’t get married in baggy pants. Nyuk nyuk nyuk--- [Moe hits Curly in the stomach] Ah!!!
FULLER: I want you reporters to get me the lowdown on this story.
CURLY: Reporters? We ain’t--- [Moe steps on Curly’s foot] Oh!
FULLER: Now you get me a picture of Prince Shaam, and I’ll give you each a hundred dollar bonus.
CURLY: What good is a hundred dollar bogus?
LARRY: Bonus, not bogus. Don’t you know what bonus is?
CURLY: Soitenly, Spanish!! Bonus notches. Si si senor.
[Curly starts singing in Spanish and starts dancing. He dances for a while. After he dances for a while, he ends up walking into Moe. Moe has an angry look on his face]
CURLY: Ah ah ah! I can’t help it, it’s the gypsy in me.
MOE: I’ll gypsy you later.
FULLER: Ok boys. You get me the picture.
[Fuller gives Larry a small box and a camera]
FULLER: So long.
STOOGES: So long.
[Curly walks towards the window. He then turns around and bumps into Moe. The cigar Curly had in his mouth ends up getting crushed because it bumped into Moe’s face.]
MOE: Oh!
CURLY: Hmm. [taps Moe in the face with the crushed cigar] Hmmmm!
MOE: Come on!! [grabs Curly by his jacket]
CURLY: Hmm.
[As Moe drags Curly towards the door, Curly bumps into the wall. Curly then turns around and walks backwards and bumps into Moe and Larry. They all leave the office. Moe and Larry walks to the left side of the hallway, while Curly walks to the right side. We hear a whistling sound. Curly then turns around and walks towards the left side.]
[Dissolve to the kitchen at the Van Bustle residence. Flint is talking on the phone. Behind Flint are the stooges who manage to sneak into the house. They peak from behind the wall and they hear what Flint is saying on the phone]
FLINT: [talking on the phone] Hello. Is this the Farnsworth Employment Agency? Well this is Flint at the Van Bustle residence. What about the cook and the two butlers you were going to send me? I know they’re tough to get but I need some help. Well send them over as quickly as possible, the sooner the better.
[The stooges walk up to Flint and Moe takes the phone away from him]
MOE: [talks on the phone] Never mind that order. Everything’s under control. [hangs up the phone and says to Flint] I’m you new cook, there’s your two butlers. [points to Larry and Curly]
FLINT: Oh splendid, so you’re the new cook. Well now remember, we serve dinner promptly at eight. And incidentally, uh, are you good on stews?
CURLY: Soitenly, he’s always half stewed. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
FLINT: Now whenever you’re ready, serve the drinks and don’t forget the canapés.
MOE: Canapés? Oh you mean the toast with the lace curtains!
FLINT: Such levity. You remind me of the three stooges.
CURLY: Hey! That’s an insult!!
FLINT: Well now, I was only joking. Carry on. [leaves the kitchen]
CURLY: Now what would he want with a can of peas?
MOE: Not can a peas, canapés.
LARRY: Not can a peas, can a peas!! One of us is crazy and it’s not you.
MOE: Right. Canapés. Hors d’oeuvres!
CURLY: Which one? Can a peas or dervs? Make up your mind.
MOE: You put ‘em on crackers. They give you an appetite like a horse.
CURLY: Oh, animal crackers!
MOE: Ye--- [eyepokes Curly]
CURLY: Oh!
MOE: [to Larry] Go on, make the canapés.
CURLY: [to Larry] With animal crackers.
[Moe pulls Curly by the ear]
CURLY: Ahh ah!!
MOE: Listen, featherbrain!
[Moe takes out a camera which is hidden inside of his jacket. He gives the camera to Curly]
MOE: Take this camera. Keep your eyes open. The minute you see the prince, snap his picture. Make it a candid picture.
CURLY: Yeah, candid picture of can a peas.
MOE: Are you gonna start that again? I wish he would’ve made it chopped liver. Here. [opens a paper bag]
[Cut to Larry who is searching in the cabinet]
LARRY: Let’s see, can a peas. [grabs a can of peas from the cabinet] Ah, can a peas. Animal crackers. Ah!
[Larry grabs a box labeled “Puppo Do Buscuit” thinking it’s animal crackers]
LARRY: Can opener. [looks through the drawer and grabs a can opener] Oh, there it is.
[Larry starts opening the can of peas]
[Dissolve to the room where Mrs. Van Bustle and her guests are in. Curly walks in with the tray of “can a peas.” He walks up to two men]
CURLY: Can a peas? [walks away from the two men before they get a chance get anything from the tray]
[Curly approaches another man]
CURLY: Can a peas? [walks away from the man before he got a chance get anything from the tray]
[Curly sees an attractive woman next to that man.]
CURLY: Oh! [taps his head] Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk.
[Curly waves his hand under the woman’s chin. The man next to her looks angry. Curly approaches him again]
CURLY: Can a--- [sees the man angry] Nyah ah ah ah! [walks away]
[Curly approaches Mrs. Van Bustle and Prince Shaam]
CURLY: Can a peas?
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: Prince Shaam, will you have some hors d’oeuvres?
PRINCE SHAAM: Oh thank you Mrs. Van Bustle. [looks at the tray]
[The camera shows a close-up of the tray. The tray is full of dog biscuits with peas on top of it]
PRINCE SHAAM: Why my dear. This caviar has turned green. It’s mildewed.
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: What?
CURLY: That’s no calves ear, that’s can a peas!
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: Fool!
CURLY: So am I. Ruff!
PRINCE SHAAM: Oh.
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: Oh!
[Prince Shaam and Mrs. Van Bustle walk away]
CURLY: Ruff! Hmm. Oh! Hmm.
[Curly takes one of the hors d’oeuvres. When he takes a bite out of it, all the peas on the “cracker” spill on the floor. When Curly tries to take a bite, he has a hard time. He looks at the cracker. It reads: “Puppo Dog Biscuit.” Curly looks disgusted and throws the tray of “can a peas” off-camera.]
CURLY: [looks off-camera] Nyah ah ah!!
[Cut to a man sitting in a chair covered with the can a peas. He gets up and wipes all the food off of himself with his hands. He walks away annoyed.]
CURLY: Nyah ah ah ah!
[Curly walks over to Larry who is standing by a table setting up the lemonade]
CURLY: [to Larry] You go get a picture of those two while I peddle the lemonade.
[Larry grabs the camera]
CURLY: They’re over there by the piano.
[Larry walks off-camera. Curly lifts up a glass of lemonade. The glass is leaking and Curly doesn’t realize it. The glass leaks on a woman standing next to him]
CURLY: [yells out to everyone while the lemonade leaks on the woman] Here ya are folks. Get your ice cold lemonade. It’s delicious. You’ll love it---
WOMAN: Oh!!! [looks at Curly in an angry manner and leaves]
CURLY: Hmm. What’s the matter with her? Here ya are folks, get your--- [turns the glass around and the lemonade squirts on his face]
[Curly covers the leak on the glass.]
CURLY: Hmm.
[Curly stops covering the leak and it squirts on his face again]
CURLY: Gpp.
[Curly covers the leak on the glass again.]
CURLY: Hmm.
[Curly stops covering the leak and he lets the lemonade squirt inside of his mouth. He likes the taste]
CURLY: Hmm. [drinks the whole glass] Ah!
[Curly wipes the lemonade off his clothes with his hands. He then grabs a bunch of ice from the ice bucket with his bare hands. He starts adding ice on the lemonade glasses]
CURLY: Hmm. Here ya are folks. Get your ice cold lemonade. It’s delicious. You’ll love it.
[Flint sees Curly. He has an angry look on his face. He walks up to Curly.]
CURLY: Here ya are folks step up now. You’ll love it. It’s de--- [sees Flint angry] Ah!! Have a lemonade?
FLINT: Listen you idiot. That’s for the guests. And don’t handle the ice with your hands, you featherbrain.
CURLY: I think you’re right. I’m starting to get chilblains. Hold this, will you please?
[Curly gives the ice to Flint]
CURLY: Ah ah ah!
[Flint drops the ice into the ice bucket]
FLINT: Go get the ice tongs!
CURLY: Yes sir!
[Curly shuffle dances out of the room]
[Cut to the kitchen. Moe is talking on the phone]
MOE: [on the phone] Everything’s ok boss, we got in alright. Yeah. I’ll see if they’re snapping the picture. Goodbye.
[Moe opens the kitchen door and peeks through. He sticks his nose into the opening as he peaks. Curly walks in and pushes the door open. Moe’s nose get’s crushed]
MOE: Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!!!
CURLY: [sees Moe’s nose stuck on the door] Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
MOE: Oh oh oh oh! Ohhhh! Get my nose out of here. I’m suffocating.
[Moe gets his nose out of the opening of the door]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk.
MOE: Oh oh!! Why don’t you look where you’re going?
CURLY: Why don’t you keep your nose out of strange doors?
[Curly grabs an ice tong and puts it over his shoulder]
CURLY: Hmm. [singing] Na nee na!!
[Curly walks by Moe and the ice tong gets caught on Moe’s neck]
MOE: Ahhhh!! [grabs the ice tong from Curly] Oh, ice tong!
CURLY: Yeah! [Moe grabs onto Curly’s head with the ice tong] Oh! Owowowowowow!
[Moe gives the ice tong back to Curly]
MOE: Here! Go on! [slaps Curly on the head]
CURLY: Hmm.
[Curly leaves the kitchen]
[Cut back to the room where all the guests are in. Curly goes back to the table of lemonade. He starts putting ice on the glasses of lemonade using the ice tong. As he does this, Mrs. Van Bustle and Prince Shaam walk up to him]
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: What are you doing?
CURLY: I think it’s silly too but orders is orders.
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: Put those things away!
[Curly hangs the tong on a statue]
CURLY: Have a lemonade! Ten cents a piece or three for a quarter.
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: What?
CURLY: I’m sorry. Have all you want. It don’t cost anything.
[Curly gives Mrs. Van Bustle and Prince Shaam some lemonade]
CURLY: [takes a glass of lemonade for himself] Here’s eggs in your vest!
[Curly drinks all of the lemonade on his glass.]
CURLY: Ah!! That’s my tenth one today.
[Curly slaps his stomach and we hear liquid splashing]
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: [to Prince Shaam] Oh oh. The help these days. It’s deplorable.
[Mrs. Van Bustle and Prince Shaam walk away]
[Cut to Moe in the kitchen. He is washing the turkey on the sink. As he washes the turkey, he sings]
MOE: [singing] Nice little turkey getting its bath at seven thirty and we’ll be well cooked by eight o’clock.
[Moe lifts up the turkey from the sink]
MOE: Hahahahahahaha! [the turkey squirts some water on Moe’s face] Ohh!! Oh you wiseguy, huh!! [punches the turkey and it squirts some more water] Ohh ahh! [sticks his tongue out] Ehh--- [the turkey squirts more water on Moe’s face] Ohhh!!
[Moe grabs the turkey and lays it down]
MOE: There we are! [taps the turkey a few times]
[Cut back to the room where the guests are in. Mrs. Van Bustle and Prince Shaam are sitting down by the grand piano. Larry is trying to climb over the piano to try and get a picture of them]
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: [to Prince Shaam] Prince Shaam, I think we should announce our wedding date, don’t you?
PRINCE SHAAM: Oh well no, my dear. I think an elopement would be so much more romantic. Why don’t we plan to run away together next week, huh?
[As Larry tries to climb over the grand piano to take a picture, the piano closes on him and he falls]
LARRY: Ohhhhh!!!
PRINCE SHAAM: What’s this?
LARRY: It fall down.
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: I’m so sorry, Prince. These stupid people.
PRINCE SHAAM: Oh think nothing of it, my dear. It’s all perfectly alright.
[Larry gets out of the piano and walks up to Mrs. Van Bustle and Prince Shaam]
LARRY: I’m sorry, madam. Can I take your glasses?
[Larry takes their glasses. He accidentally steps on Mrs. Van Bustle’s skirt. When Mrs. Van Bustle walks away, her skirt gets pulled off without her ever realizing it. She walks around the room with Prince Shaam in her undergarment. Everyone starts laughing]
FLINT: [sees Mrs. Van Bustle in her undergarment] Madam!!
CURLY: [sees Mrs. Van Bustle] Nyah ah!!
FLINT: [to Mrs. Van Bustle] You’re uh, mmm.
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: [finally realizes her skirt is gone] Ahhh!!
[Mrs. Van Bustle quickly runs up to Larry to get her skirt. Larry is still standing there with his foot on the skirt. Mrs. Van Bustle grabs the skirt from the floor, causing Larry to fall. Curly runs up to Larry]
CURLY: What happened?
[Flint walks up to Larry and Curly]
FLINT: You fools! Get in that kitchen!
CURLY: Hmm!
[Curly puts his hand in front of Flint. He moves his hand to the right, then to the left, then to the right, then to the left and finally to the right. He then moves his hand up and then down. All this time Flint follows Curly’s hand.]
CURLY: Ruff! Ohh!
[Larry and Curly run out of the room]
[Cut to Moe in the kitchen. He is standing by the kitchen door with a stack of plates]
MOE: [singing] Ah!! [the kitchen door opens and knocks him down] Ohhhhh!
[Moe falls down and the stack of plates fall down and they all brake. Larry and Curly walk into the kitchen]
CURLY: What happened?
[Curly and Larry help Moe get up]
MOE: What happened!! One of these days, I’ll tear your tonsils out and I’ll shove it right in your eye.
LARRY: Pipe down, you guys. I got some great news for ya. The prince is really going to marry the dame. They’re eloping next week. [snaps finger] But I didn’t get a picture.
CURLY: You didn’t? Give me that camera! [grabs the camera from Larry jacket] I’ll get a picture…I hope.
[Curly leaves]
MOE: Hurry back. I--- [starts sniffing] Hey my turkey! It’s burning!
[Moe and Larry run up to the stove. Moe opens the oven. Larry stops by the table]
LARRY: Oh, gum on my shoe. Just my luck.
[Larry bends down right next to the table so he can get the gum off his shoe. Moe grabs the hot turkey out of the oven. Moe is holding it with his bare hands and is burning himself.]
MOE: Oh oh! Oh oh! Oh oh oh!
[Moe places the turkey on Larry’s back. Larry screams in pain]
LARRY: Ohhhhhh!! Ohh!
[Larry gets up and turns around. The turkey slides onto the table as Larry stands up straight. He sees the turkey on the table.]
LARRY: Oh turkey! Ah, I love t---- [tries to grab a piece of turkey but Moe grabs him]
MOE: Come here! [slaps Larry on the head] Get outta here!
[Larry gets pushed backwards and hits the wall. He knocks over the parrot cage. The cage breaks open and the parrot is set free without Moe and Larry realizing it. Moe walks up to Larry]
MOE: What’s the idea of tearing the turkey apart? [slaps Larry]
LARRY: Well, I---
MOE: Don’t you know, if it’s found that way, we’ll lose our hundred bucks! Are you outta your mind? What’s the matter with you? That turkey belongs to those people. Now don’t let me hear your say or do anything again to a turkey.
[The parrot flies onto the table and crawls inside the turkey. Moe and Larry don’t see this]
[Dissolve to the table where the guests are all seated. The stooges all walk in with food. Moe is holding a plate full of mash potatoes. Moe trips and accidentally spills all the mash potatoes on a man’s face]
MOE: Oh!
MAN: Ahh!
MOE: Don’t worry buddy. We can do without mashed potatoes.
[Moe grab the man’s knife from the table and scrapes off some of the mash potatoes on the man’s face]
MOE: There we are!
[Moe grabs the man’s serviette and wipes his face]
MAN: Ahh!! Pppp.
MOE: Good as new!
MAN: Rrrr. You idiot!! [stands up and wipes himself off with his hands]
[Curly places the turkey next to Mrs. Van Bustle and Prince Shaam]
CURLY: Here you are, toots! Here’s the bird!
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: [talking to Prince Shaam] This is humiliating. Nothing like this has ever happened before---
CURLY: [interrupting Mrs. Van Bustle] Hey! I just gave you the bird!!
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: Very well. Go ahead and carve it!
CURLY: Oh ok!
[Curly tries to yank out a hair from his head, but he can’t since he’s bald]
CURLY: Mmm. Hmm. [looks at Mrs. Van Bustle]
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: [talking to Prince Shaam] That’s kind of you. But one--- [Curly yanks out a hair from her head] Oww!!
[Curly cuts the hair with the carving knife]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
[Curly tries to poke the turkey with the carving fork but the turkey jumps out of the way]
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: Ah!!
CURLY: Hmmm. [pulls the turkey back onto the plate]
[Curly tries to poke the turkey again with the carving fork but the turkey jumps out of the way]
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: Ahh!
CURLY: Hmmmm. [pulls the turkey back onto the plate]
[Moe and Larry walk up to Curly]
MOE: What’s going on here?
CURLY: Hey why didn’t you kill this bird before I brought it in?
MOE: Go on and carve.
[Curly pokes the turkey with the carving knife and we hear a squawk sound]
CURLY: Nyah ah ah ah ah ah!! [pulls the fork out of the turkey] It’s haunted!
MOE: You shut up or I’ll haunt you!
[The turkey stands up]
EVERYONE: Ahh!
CURLY: Nyah ah!
[The turkey starts jumping and walking across the table]
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo woo!
EVERYONE: Ah!!
[Flint walks by and sees what’s going on]
CURLY: Owowowowowowow!
[The turkey jumps off of the table]
EVERYONE: Ohh!
PRINCE SHAAM: [stands up and throws his serviette on the table] This is an outrage! I am leaving. [leaves the room]
FLINT: Ooohh! You stupid oafs! [bumps the stooges’ heads together]
STOOGES: Oh!
FLINT: Prince Shaam, please! [walks out of the room and tries to catch up to Prince Shaam]
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: You maniacs! You’re fired! [triple slaps the stooges]
STOOGES: Oh!
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: Get out!
CURLY: Why you---
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: Woof!!
STOOGES: Ah ah!! Ah ah!
[The stooges run out of the room]
[Cut to the kitchen. The stooges enter.]
LARRY: I’m quitting! Let’s get out while the getting is good.
MOE: Quiet mongoose! We don’t get the hundred dollar bonus until we get a picture of the prince.
CURLY: You’re right. Let’s go and find him. And don’t shoot until you see the bags under his eyes.
MOE: Right.
[Cut to a dark room. Prince Shaam is holding a flashlight while Flint tries to open a safe]
PRINCE SHAAM: Can you imagine that simpering old fool falling for that line! Me, a prince. Hahaha.
[Cut to the hallway. The stooges try to walk quietly. The parrot, which is still hidden in the turkey, walks behind the stooges. The stooges don’t see it.]
MOE: Shh
CURLY: Shh
LARRY: Shh
PARROT: [squawks] Jeepers creepers! What a night!
MOE: [to Curly] I told you to shut up! [slaps Curly on the head]
CURLY: Oh. But I didn’t---
[Moe grabs Curly by the neck]
MOE: Shh!
[The stooges continue to walk quietly]
PARROT: Jeepers creepers! What a night!
MOE: [to Curly] I told you to be quiet. Shh.
[Moe puts his finger over Curly mouth to get him to be quiet. Curly bites his finger]
MOE: Oh oh oh oh oh oh!
CURLY: Shh!
MOE: Come on!
[The stooges continue walking.]
[Cut to the dark room where Flint and Prince Shaam are in. The stooges enter.]
FLINT: What’s that?
MOE: It’s them!
[Moe takes the picture of Flint and Prince Shaam robbing the safe. Larry turns on the lights]
MOE: Ahh! I gotcha with the goods and you’re going to jail.
PRINCE SHAAM: Why you!
[Moe fights with Prince Shaam while Curly and Larry fight with Flint. Flint pushes Curly away and then he punches Larry. Larry lands on the couch. Curly kicks Flint in the rear and then he pushes him with his stomach. Flint lands on a chair. Curly starts doing his “woo woo.” Flint stands up, breaks the leg off of the chair and gets ready to use it as a weapon. Larry gets up off of the couch and gets ready to attack Flint from behind. Flint gets ready to hit Curly on the head with the leg of the chair. When he brings the leg back, it hits Larry on the head. Flint then hits Curly on the head. Curly and Larry get knocked out.]
[Cut to Moe and Prince Shaam who are still fighting. Prince Shaam takes off his jacket. Moe takes a punch at him and his arm ends up in the empty sleeve. Moe and Prince Shaam are now caught in the jacket. Flint walks up to Moe so he can attack him. Moe punches Flint in the face. Flint tries to punch back, but Moe, who is still caught in the jacket, goes around in circles and Prince Shaam gets pulled up in front of Flint. So the Flint punches Prince Shaam by accident. Moe continues going around in circle and he punches Flint again. Flint again tries to punch Moe but Moe turns around so Prince Shaam gets punched again. This keeps on happening several times until both Flint and Prince Shaam get knocked out. Moe stops turning around. Moe pulls himself out of the Prince Shaam’s jacket. Flint falls on the floor but Prince Shaam remains standing even though he’s unconscious. Moe blows on Prince Shaam and he finally falls on the floor. Moe looks off-camera and walks away.]
[Dissolve to Fuller’s office. The stooges enter and they all look disappointed.]
MOE: Sorry Mr. Bull, but the prince ain’t a prince at all. He’s a crook.
CURLY: We got a picture of him robbing the safe. We had him arrested.
LARRY: Yeah. So there ain’t no wedding and there ain’t no story.
FULLER: No story?!! Why this is the greatest scoop that ever hit this town!! [picks up the phone and talks on it] Stop the presses! Hold everything for an extra. [hangs up the phone]
CURLY: For an extra hundred?
FULLER: You said it.
[Fuller writes a check to the stooges and gives it to Curly]
FULLER: Take this to the cashier and get your dough.
CURLY: [looking at the check] Oh boy! We’re millionaires! We’re billionaires!
[Curly opens the cigar box on Fuller’s desk and he puts the cigar in his mouth.]
STOOGES: So long!
FULLER: So long boys!
[Curly walks towards the window. He then turns around and bumps into Moe. The cigar Curly had in his mouth ends up getting crushed because it bumped into Moe’s face.]
MOE: Oh!
CURLY: [looks at the crushed cigar] Hmm.
[Mrs. Van Bustle walks into the office and approaches the stooges]
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: Oh there you are!! Oh my dear, dear boys, you saved me from a horrible fate! [points to Curly] You I shall marry instead of that terrible prince. Ohh!
[Mrs. Van Bustle lifts Curly up and kisses him four times. She then puts him down]
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo woo woo! Rrrr ruff!
[Curly holds Mrs. Van Bustle in his arms. Curly turns his head, takes off his hat and kisses his hand]
CURLY: Ah nyuk nyuk nyuk.
[As Curly gets ready to kiss Mrs. Van Bustle, Moe removes his hat and gets ready to kiss her too. When Curly turns his head and tries to kiss Mrs. Van Bustle, he kisses Moe by accident.]
CURLY: Ahhh!
[Mrs. Van Bustle walks away]
MOE: I’m poisoned! What’s the matter with you? [slaps Curly]
CURLY: What’s the idea?
[Moe hits Curly in the stomach]
CURLY: Oh!
[Moe slaps Curly on the head. He then eyepokes Curly]
MOE: What’s the matter with you? [Curly slaps Moe] Why you! [slaps Curly]
[Curly slaps Moe back, then Moe slaps Curly again. Curly slaps Moe back again. Moe shrugs his shoulders. He turns to Larry and slaps him]
MOE: [to Larry] What do you want from me?
CURLY: What’s the---
MOE: [grabs Curly by the neck] I’ll strangle ya!!
LARRY: [to Fuller] I’m standing here, I’m not doing any---
[Moe grabs Curly’s head and bonks him six times. Larry looks at them in horror]
CURLY: Hmm.
[Curly puts his hand in front of Moe. He moves his hand to the left, then to the right, then to the left, then to the right, then to the left and finally to the right. He then moves his hand up. All this time, Moe follows Curly’s hand. When Moe looks up as Curly moves his hand up, Curly hits Moe on the head]
MOE: Oww!
LARRY: Ohh!!
[The scene ends]
--THE END--
[Dissolve to Fuller’s desk. On his desk is a sign that reads: “Fuller Bull- Managing Editor”]
FULLER: What a newspaper! What an organization! Send those news hawks in here.
SECRETARY: Yes sir!
[The secretary opens the door. Four news hawks walk in all crippled. News hawk #1 has a broken wrist, news hawk #2 has a broken foot and is walking with crutches, news hawk #3 is all beat up on his face, and news hawk #4 has a broken arm.]
FULLER: You’re a fine bunch of reporters. I send you out to get a story and what happens? Nothing!
NEWS HAWK #1: But boss, we couldn’t help it. They got the place surrounded by roughneck guards and it’s suicide for news hawks to be in the neighborhood.
FULLER: [shows the news hawk a newspaper] Oh yeah! Look at the “Star Press.” They got the story!
[Close-up of the newspaper. The headline reads: “Prince Shaam of Ubeedarn Engaged to Widowed Socialite.”]
FULLER: They got the story! That’s what I need on this paper, More men like they have on the “Star Press.” Are they miracle men or what? [bangs on his desk]
[By the window is one of the news hawks. His leg is in a cast. He has his foot resting on the open window in the office]
[Fuller walks up to the wall beside the open window and starts banging on it]
FULLER: I’ll get a story or I’ll tear the town apart. I’ll get a story or else---
[The open window closes on the news hawks broken foot]
NEWS HAWK #2: Owww! Oh! Oh!
[Fuller opens the window. The news hawk gets up and walks away in pain. Fuller sees the stooges outside. Next to the stooges is a truck with the right door open. On the left door, it reads: “Star Press- Daily Delivery”]
FULLER: [to the news hawks] There’s three Star Press reporters now. [yells out the window] Hey! Star Press! [The stooges look up at Fuller] Come on up here!
[Cut to the stooges who are outside. Moe grabs the newspaper Curly is reading and puts it inside the truck. He closes the right door on the back of the truck. When he closes it: both left and right doors read: “Star Cleaning & Pressing Co.”]
[Curly takes out a cigar from his front pocket and bites off the end of it. He spits it out and puts the cigar in his mouth]
MOE: Hey cut out the stalling and go on up there.
LARRY: Yeah, it’s your turn. I’ve been running my legs off all morning till the cuffs on my pants are frayed.
MOE: Afraid of what?
[Cut to Fuller’s office]
FULLER: You’re a great bunch of reporters! You’re all fired. Get out! Hurry up.
[The news hawks leave the office]
MOE: Come on stoop, we’ll all go.
CURLY: Hmm.
MOE: Come on!
[Curly bumps into Moe and the cigar bangs into Moe’s face and gets crushed]
MIOE: Oh!
[Curly looks at his crushed cigar and throws it away]
CURLY: Hmm. [takes out a new cigar] Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
[Curly removes the band off of his cigar. His puts it by his ear and listens. He starts moving his head as if he’s enjoying music. Moe turns around, sees what Curly is doing and he does a double take. Moe walks up to Curly]
MOE: What are you doing?
CURLY: Listening to the band.
MOE: Would you like to hear some birdies.
CURLY: I’d love it.
MOE: Take off your hat!
[Curly takes off his hat and Moe bonks him on the head]
CURLY: Ah!
[Curly gets cross-eyed and we hear birds tweeting]
MOE: Get going! [extends his right arm and points to his right]
[Curly revives and he grabs Moe as if he is going to dance with him]
[Dissolve to the Fuller’s office. The secretary opens the door to let the stooges in. The stooges walk in.]
SECRETARY: This way please.
MOE: Hi ya!
[Curly whistles at the secretary, he turns around and follows her. Moe whistles at Curly, Curly turns around, and stands next to Moe]
FULLER: How are you boys?
STOOGES: How do you do?
[Fuller and the stooges all talk simultaneously. Moe shakes Fuller’s hand while Curly and Larry shake each others’ hands. Then Larry shakes Fuller’s hand while Curly and Larry shake each others’ hands. Moe and Curly then kiss each other on both cheeks.]
FULLER: Well, how would you boys like to do a little work for me?
MOE: Sure, we do the best work in town.
LARRY: Yes and it’s guaranteed.
CURLY: Soitenly. We’re colossal, we’re stupendous, we’re terrific. We’re even superlative. [snaps his fingers]
MOE: Ha! He’s always clowning. Where’s the work boss?
FULLER: [shows a newspaper] Well, here’s the story of Prince Shaam and Old Lady Van Bustle. I want to find out if he really intends to press his suit.
CURLY: He ought to. A man can’t get married in baggy pants. Nyuk nyuk nyuk--- [Moe hits Curly in the stomach] Ah!!!
FULLER: I want you reporters to get me the lowdown on this story.
CURLY: Reporters? We ain’t--- [Moe steps on Curly’s foot] Oh!
FULLER: Now you get me a picture of Prince Shaam, and I’ll give you each a hundred dollar bonus.
CURLY: What good is a hundred dollar bogus?
LARRY: Bonus, not bogus. Don’t you know what bonus is?
CURLY: Soitenly, Spanish!! Bonus notches. Si si senor.
[Curly starts singing in Spanish and starts dancing. He dances for a while. After he dances for a while, he ends up walking into Moe. Moe has an angry look on his face]
CURLY: Ah ah ah! I can’t help it, it’s the gypsy in me.
MOE: I’ll gypsy you later.
FULLER: Ok boys. You get me the picture.
[Fuller gives Larry a small box and a camera]
FULLER: So long.
STOOGES: So long.
[Curly walks towards the window. He then turns around and bumps into Moe. The cigar Curly had in his mouth ends up getting crushed because it bumped into Moe’s face.]
MOE: Oh!
CURLY: Hmm. [taps Moe in the face with the crushed cigar] Hmmmm!
MOE: Come on!! [grabs Curly by his jacket]
CURLY: Hmm.
[As Moe drags Curly towards the door, Curly bumps into the wall. Curly then turns around and walks backwards and bumps into Moe and Larry. They all leave the office. Moe and Larry walks to the left side of the hallway, while Curly walks to the right side. We hear a whistling sound. Curly then turns around and walks towards the left side.]
[Dissolve to the kitchen at the Van Bustle residence. Flint is talking on the phone. Behind Flint are the stooges who manage to sneak into the house. They peak from behind the wall and they hear what Flint is saying on the phone]
FLINT: [talking on the phone] Hello. Is this the Farnsworth Employment Agency? Well this is Flint at the Van Bustle residence. What about the cook and the two butlers you were going to send me? I know they’re tough to get but I need some help. Well send them over as quickly as possible, the sooner the better.
[The stooges walk up to Flint and Moe takes the phone away from him]
MOE: [talks on the phone] Never mind that order. Everything’s under control. [hangs up the phone and says to Flint] I’m you new cook, there’s your two butlers. [points to Larry and Curly]
FLINT: Oh splendid, so you’re the new cook. Well now remember, we serve dinner promptly at eight. And incidentally, uh, are you good on stews?
CURLY: Soitenly, he’s always half stewed. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
FLINT: Now whenever you’re ready, serve the drinks and don’t forget the canapés.
MOE: Canapés? Oh you mean the toast with the lace curtains!
FLINT: Such levity. You remind me of the three stooges.
CURLY: Hey! That’s an insult!!
FLINT: Well now, I was only joking. Carry on. [leaves the kitchen]
CURLY: Now what would he want with a can of peas?
MOE: Not can a peas, canapés.
LARRY: Not can a peas, can a peas!! One of us is crazy and it’s not you.
MOE: Right. Canapés. Hors d’oeuvres!
CURLY: Which one? Can a peas or dervs? Make up your mind.
MOE: You put ‘em on crackers. They give you an appetite like a horse.
CURLY: Oh, animal crackers!
MOE: Ye--- [eyepokes Curly]
CURLY: Oh!
MOE: [to Larry] Go on, make the canapés.
CURLY: [to Larry] With animal crackers.
[Moe pulls Curly by the ear]
CURLY: Ahh ah!!
MOE: Listen, featherbrain!
[Moe takes out a camera which is hidden inside of his jacket. He gives the camera to Curly]
MOE: Take this camera. Keep your eyes open. The minute you see the prince, snap his picture. Make it a candid picture.
CURLY: Yeah, candid picture of can a peas.
MOE: Are you gonna start that again? I wish he would’ve made it chopped liver. Here. [opens a paper bag]
[Cut to Larry who is searching in the cabinet]
LARRY: Let’s see, can a peas. [grabs a can of peas from the cabinet] Ah, can a peas. Animal crackers. Ah!
[Larry grabs a box labeled “Puppo Do Buscuit” thinking it’s animal crackers]
LARRY: Can opener. [looks through the drawer and grabs a can opener] Oh, there it is.
[Larry starts opening the can of peas]
[Dissolve to the room where Mrs. Van Bustle and her guests are in. Curly walks in with the tray of “can a peas.” He walks up to two men]
CURLY: Can a peas? [walks away from the two men before they get a chance get anything from the tray]
[Curly approaches another man]
CURLY: Can a peas? [walks away from the man before he got a chance get anything from the tray]
[Curly sees an attractive woman next to that man.]
CURLY: Oh! [taps his head] Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk.
[Curly waves his hand under the woman’s chin. The man next to her looks angry. Curly approaches him again]
CURLY: Can a--- [sees the man angry] Nyah ah ah ah! [walks away]
[Curly approaches Mrs. Van Bustle and Prince Shaam]
CURLY: Can a peas?
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: Prince Shaam, will you have some hors d’oeuvres?
PRINCE SHAAM: Oh thank you Mrs. Van Bustle. [looks at the tray]
[The camera shows a close-up of the tray. The tray is full of dog biscuits with peas on top of it]
PRINCE SHAAM: Why my dear. This caviar has turned green. It’s mildewed.
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: What?
CURLY: That’s no calves ear, that’s can a peas!
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: Fool!
CURLY: So am I. Ruff!
PRINCE SHAAM: Oh.
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: Oh!
[Prince Shaam and Mrs. Van Bustle walk away]
CURLY: Ruff! Hmm. Oh! Hmm.
[Curly takes one of the hors d’oeuvres. When he takes a bite out of it, all the peas on the “cracker” spill on the floor. When Curly tries to take a bite, he has a hard time. He looks at the cracker. It reads: “Puppo Dog Biscuit.” Curly looks disgusted and throws the tray of “can a peas” off-camera.]
CURLY: [looks off-camera] Nyah ah ah!!
[Cut to a man sitting in a chair covered with the can a peas. He gets up and wipes all the food off of himself with his hands. He walks away annoyed.]
CURLY: Nyah ah ah ah!
[Curly walks over to Larry who is standing by a table setting up the lemonade]
CURLY: [to Larry] You go get a picture of those two while I peddle the lemonade.
[Larry grabs the camera]
CURLY: They’re over there by the piano.
[Larry walks off-camera. Curly lifts up a glass of lemonade. The glass is leaking and Curly doesn’t realize it. The glass leaks on a woman standing next to him]
CURLY: [yells out to everyone while the lemonade leaks on the woman] Here ya are folks. Get your ice cold lemonade. It’s delicious. You’ll love it---
WOMAN: Oh!!! [looks at Curly in an angry manner and leaves]
CURLY: Hmm. What’s the matter with her? Here ya are folks, get your--- [turns the glass around and the lemonade squirts on his face]
[Curly covers the leak on the glass.]
CURLY: Hmm.
[Curly stops covering the leak and it squirts on his face again]
CURLY: Gpp.
[Curly covers the leak on the glass again.]
CURLY: Hmm.
[Curly stops covering the leak and he lets the lemonade squirt inside of his mouth. He likes the taste]
CURLY: Hmm. [drinks the whole glass] Ah!
[Curly wipes the lemonade off his clothes with his hands. He then grabs a bunch of ice from the ice bucket with his bare hands. He starts adding ice on the lemonade glasses]
CURLY: Hmm. Here ya are folks. Get your ice cold lemonade. It’s delicious. You’ll love it.
[Flint sees Curly. He has an angry look on his face. He walks up to Curly.]
CURLY: Here ya are folks step up now. You’ll love it. It’s de--- [sees Flint angry] Ah!! Have a lemonade?
FLINT: Listen you idiot. That’s for the guests. And don’t handle the ice with your hands, you featherbrain.
CURLY: I think you’re right. I’m starting to get chilblains. Hold this, will you please?
[Curly gives the ice to Flint]
CURLY: Ah ah ah!
[Flint drops the ice into the ice bucket]
FLINT: Go get the ice tongs!
CURLY: Yes sir!
[Curly shuffle dances out of the room]
[Cut to the kitchen. Moe is talking on the phone]
MOE: [on the phone] Everything’s ok boss, we got in alright. Yeah. I’ll see if they’re snapping the picture. Goodbye.
[Moe opens the kitchen door and peeks through. He sticks his nose into the opening as he peaks. Curly walks in and pushes the door open. Moe’s nose get’s crushed]
MOE: Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!!!
CURLY: [sees Moe’s nose stuck on the door] Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
MOE: Oh oh oh oh! Ohhhh! Get my nose out of here. I’m suffocating.
[Moe gets his nose out of the opening of the door]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk.
MOE: Oh oh!! Why don’t you look where you’re going?
CURLY: Why don’t you keep your nose out of strange doors?
[Curly grabs an ice tong and puts it over his shoulder]
CURLY: Hmm. [singing] Na nee na!!
[Curly walks by Moe and the ice tong gets caught on Moe’s neck]
MOE: Ahhhh!! [grabs the ice tong from Curly] Oh, ice tong!
CURLY: Yeah! [Moe grabs onto Curly’s head with the ice tong] Oh! Owowowowowow!
[Moe gives the ice tong back to Curly]
MOE: Here! Go on! [slaps Curly on the head]
CURLY: Hmm.
[Curly leaves the kitchen]
[Cut back to the room where all the guests are in. Curly goes back to the table of lemonade. He starts putting ice on the glasses of lemonade using the ice tong. As he does this, Mrs. Van Bustle and Prince Shaam walk up to him]
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: What are you doing?
CURLY: I think it’s silly too but orders is orders.
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: Put those things away!
[Curly hangs the tong on a statue]
CURLY: Have a lemonade! Ten cents a piece or three for a quarter.
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: What?
CURLY: I’m sorry. Have all you want. It don’t cost anything.
[Curly gives Mrs. Van Bustle and Prince Shaam some lemonade]
CURLY: [takes a glass of lemonade for himself] Here’s eggs in your vest!
[Curly drinks all of the lemonade on his glass.]
CURLY: Ah!! That’s my tenth one today.
[Curly slaps his stomach and we hear liquid splashing]
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: [to Prince Shaam] Oh oh. The help these days. It’s deplorable.
[Mrs. Van Bustle and Prince Shaam walk away]
[Cut to Moe in the kitchen. He is washing the turkey on the sink. As he washes the turkey, he sings]
MOE: [singing] Nice little turkey getting its bath at seven thirty and we’ll be well cooked by eight o’clock.
[Moe lifts up the turkey from the sink]
MOE: Hahahahahahaha! [the turkey squirts some water on Moe’s face] Ohh!! Oh you wiseguy, huh!! [punches the turkey and it squirts some more water] Ohh ahh! [sticks his tongue out] Ehh--- [the turkey squirts more water on Moe’s face] Ohhh!!
[Moe grabs the turkey and lays it down]
MOE: There we are! [taps the turkey a few times]
[Cut back to the room where the guests are in. Mrs. Van Bustle and Prince Shaam are sitting down by the grand piano. Larry is trying to climb over the piano to try and get a picture of them]
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: [to Prince Shaam] Prince Shaam, I think we should announce our wedding date, don’t you?
PRINCE SHAAM: Oh well no, my dear. I think an elopement would be so much more romantic. Why don’t we plan to run away together next week, huh?
[As Larry tries to climb over the grand piano to take a picture, the piano closes on him and he falls]
LARRY: Ohhhhh!!!
PRINCE SHAAM: What’s this?
LARRY: It fall down.
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: I’m so sorry, Prince. These stupid people.
PRINCE SHAAM: Oh think nothing of it, my dear. It’s all perfectly alright.
[Larry gets out of the piano and walks up to Mrs. Van Bustle and Prince Shaam]
LARRY: I’m sorry, madam. Can I take your glasses?
[Larry takes their glasses. He accidentally steps on Mrs. Van Bustle’s skirt. When Mrs. Van Bustle walks away, her skirt gets pulled off without her ever realizing it. She walks around the room with Prince Shaam in her undergarment. Everyone starts laughing]
FLINT: [sees Mrs. Van Bustle in her undergarment] Madam!!
CURLY: [sees Mrs. Van Bustle] Nyah ah!!
FLINT: [to Mrs. Van Bustle] You’re uh, mmm.
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: [finally realizes her skirt is gone] Ahhh!!
[Mrs. Van Bustle quickly runs up to Larry to get her skirt. Larry is still standing there with his foot on the skirt. Mrs. Van Bustle grabs the skirt from the floor, causing Larry to fall. Curly runs up to Larry]
CURLY: What happened?
[Flint walks up to Larry and Curly]
FLINT: You fools! Get in that kitchen!
CURLY: Hmm!
[Curly puts his hand in front of Flint. He moves his hand to the right, then to the left, then to the right, then to the left and finally to the right. He then moves his hand up and then down. All this time Flint follows Curly’s hand.]
CURLY: Ruff! Ohh!
[Larry and Curly run out of the room]
[Cut to Moe in the kitchen. He is standing by the kitchen door with a stack of plates]
MOE: [singing] Ah!! [the kitchen door opens and knocks him down] Ohhhhh!
[Moe falls down and the stack of plates fall down and they all brake. Larry and Curly walk into the kitchen]
CURLY: What happened?
[Curly and Larry help Moe get up]
MOE: What happened!! One of these days, I’ll tear your tonsils out and I’ll shove it right in your eye.
LARRY: Pipe down, you guys. I got some great news for ya. The prince is really going to marry the dame. They’re eloping next week. [snaps finger] But I didn’t get a picture.
CURLY: You didn’t? Give me that camera! [grabs the camera from Larry jacket] I’ll get a picture…I hope.
[Curly leaves]
MOE: Hurry back. I--- [starts sniffing] Hey my turkey! It’s burning!
[Moe and Larry run up to the stove. Moe opens the oven. Larry stops by the table]
LARRY: Oh, gum on my shoe. Just my luck.
[Larry bends down right next to the table so he can get the gum off his shoe. Moe grabs the hot turkey out of the oven. Moe is holding it with his bare hands and is burning himself.]
MOE: Oh oh! Oh oh! Oh oh oh!
[Moe places the turkey on Larry’s back. Larry screams in pain]
LARRY: Ohhhhhh!! Ohh!
[Larry gets up and turns around. The turkey slides onto the table as Larry stands up straight. He sees the turkey on the table.]
LARRY: Oh turkey! Ah, I love t---- [tries to grab a piece of turkey but Moe grabs him]
MOE: Come here! [slaps Larry on the head] Get outta here!
[Larry gets pushed backwards and hits the wall. He knocks over the parrot cage. The cage breaks open and the parrot is set free without Moe and Larry realizing it. Moe walks up to Larry]
MOE: What’s the idea of tearing the turkey apart? [slaps Larry]
LARRY: Well, I---
MOE: Don’t you know, if it’s found that way, we’ll lose our hundred bucks! Are you outta your mind? What’s the matter with you? That turkey belongs to those people. Now don’t let me hear your say or do anything again to a turkey.
[The parrot flies onto the table and crawls inside the turkey. Moe and Larry don’t see this]
[Dissolve to the table where the guests are all seated. The stooges all walk in with food. Moe is holding a plate full of mash potatoes. Moe trips and accidentally spills all the mash potatoes on a man’s face]
MOE: Oh!
MAN: Ahh!
MOE: Don’t worry buddy. We can do without mashed potatoes.
[Moe grab the man’s knife from the table and scrapes off some of the mash potatoes on the man’s face]
MOE: There we are!
[Moe grabs the man’s serviette and wipes his face]
MAN: Ahh!! Pppp.
MOE: Good as new!
MAN: Rrrr. You idiot!! [stands up and wipes himself off with his hands]
[Curly places the turkey next to Mrs. Van Bustle and Prince Shaam]
CURLY: Here you are, toots! Here’s the bird!
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: [talking to Prince Shaam] This is humiliating. Nothing like this has ever happened before---
CURLY: [interrupting Mrs. Van Bustle] Hey! I just gave you the bird!!
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: Very well. Go ahead and carve it!
CURLY: Oh ok!
[Curly tries to yank out a hair from his head, but he can’t since he’s bald]
CURLY: Mmm. Hmm. [looks at Mrs. Van Bustle]
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: [talking to Prince Shaam] That’s kind of you. But one--- [Curly yanks out a hair from her head] Oww!!
[Curly cuts the hair with the carving knife]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
[Curly tries to poke the turkey with the carving fork but the turkey jumps out of the way]
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: Ah!!
CURLY: Hmmm. [pulls the turkey back onto the plate]
[Curly tries to poke the turkey again with the carving fork but the turkey jumps out of the way]
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: Ahh!
CURLY: Hmmmm. [pulls the turkey back onto the plate]
[Moe and Larry walk up to Curly]
MOE: What’s going on here?
CURLY: Hey why didn’t you kill this bird before I brought it in?
MOE: Go on and carve.
[Curly pokes the turkey with the carving knife and we hear a squawk sound]
CURLY: Nyah ah ah ah ah ah!! [pulls the fork out of the turkey] It’s haunted!
MOE: You shut up or I’ll haunt you!
[The turkey stands up]
EVERYONE: Ahh!
CURLY: Nyah ah!
[The turkey starts jumping and walking across the table]
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo woo!
EVERYONE: Ah!!
[Flint walks by and sees what’s going on]
CURLY: Owowowowowowow!
[The turkey jumps off of the table]
EVERYONE: Ohh!
PRINCE SHAAM: [stands up and throws his serviette on the table] This is an outrage! I am leaving. [leaves the room]
FLINT: Ooohh! You stupid oafs! [bumps the stooges’ heads together]
STOOGES: Oh!
FLINT: Prince Shaam, please! [walks out of the room and tries to catch up to Prince Shaam]
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: You maniacs! You’re fired! [triple slaps the stooges]
STOOGES: Oh!
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: Get out!
CURLY: Why you---
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: Woof!!
STOOGES: Ah ah!! Ah ah!
[The stooges run out of the room]
[Cut to the kitchen. The stooges enter.]
LARRY: I’m quitting! Let’s get out while the getting is good.
MOE: Quiet mongoose! We don’t get the hundred dollar bonus until we get a picture of the prince.
CURLY: You’re right. Let’s go and find him. And don’t shoot until you see the bags under his eyes.
MOE: Right.
[Cut to a dark room. Prince Shaam is holding a flashlight while Flint tries to open a safe]
PRINCE SHAAM: Can you imagine that simpering old fool falling for that line! Me, a prince. Hahaha.
[Cut to the hallway. The stooges try to walk quietly. The parrot, which is still hidden in the turkey, walks behind the stooges. The stooges don’t see it.]
MOE: Shh
CURLY: Shh
LARRY: Shh
PARROT: [squawks] Jeepers creepers! What a night!
MOE: [to Curly] I told you to shut up! [slaps Curly on the head]
CURLY: Oh. But I didn’t---
[Moe grabs Curly by the neck]
MOE: Shh!
[The stooges continue to walk quietly]
PARROT: Jeepers creepers! What a night!
MOE: [to Curly] I told you to be quiet. Shh.
[Moe puts his finger over Curly mouth to get him to be quiet. Curly bites his finger]
MOE: Oh oh oh oh oh oh!
CURLY: Shh!
MOE: Come on!
[The stooges continue walking.]
[Cut to the dark room where Flint and Prince Shaam are in. The stooges enter.]
FLINT: What’s that?
MOE: It’s them!
[Moe takes the picture of Flint and Prince Shaam robbing the safe. Larry turns on the lights]
MOE: Ahh! I gotcha with the goods and you’re going to jail.
PRINCE SHAAM: Why you!
[Moe fights with Prince Shaam while Curly and Larry fight with Flint. Flint pushes Curly away and then he punches Larry. Larry lands on the couch. Curly kicks Flint in the rear and then he pushes him with his stomach. Flint lands on a chair. Curly starts doing his “woo woo.” Flint stands up, breaks the leg off of the chair and gets ready to use it as a weapon. Larry gets up off of the couch and gets ready to attack Flint from behind. Flint gets ready to hit Curly on the head with the leg of the chair. When he brings the leg back, it hits Larry on the head. Flint then hits Curly on the head. Curly and Larry get knocked out.]
[Cut to Moe and Prince Shaam who are still fighting. Prince Shaam takes off his jacket. Moe takes a punch at him and his arm ends up in the empty sleeve. Moe and Prince Shaam are now caught in the jacket. Flint walks up to Moe so he can attack him. Moe punches Flint in the face. Flint tries to punch back, but Moe, who is still caught in the jacket, goes around in circles and Prince Shaam gets pulled up in front of Flint. So the Flint punches Prince Shaam by accident. Moe continues going around in circle and he punches Flint again. Flint again tries to punch Moe but Moe turns around so Prince Shaam gets punched again. This keeps on happening several times until both Flint and Prince Shaam get knocked out. Moe stops turning around. Moe pulls himself out of the Prince Shaam’s jacket. Flint falls on the floor but Prince Shaam remains standing even though he’s unconscious. Moe blows on Prince Shaam and he finally falls on the floor. Moe looks off-camera and walks away.]
[Dissolve to Fuller’s office. The stooges enter and they all look disappointed.]
MOE: Sorry Mr. Bull, but the prince ain’t a prince at all. He’s a crook.
CURLY: We got a picture of him robbing the safe. We had him arrested.
LARRY: Yeah. So there ain’t no wedding and there ain’t no story.
FULLER: No story?!! Why this is the greatest scoop that ever hit this town!! [picks up the phone and talks on it] Stop the presses! Hold everything for an extra. [hangs up the phone]
CURLY: For an extra hundred?
FULLER: You said it.
[Fuller writes a check to the stooges and gives it to Curly]
FULLER: Take this to the cashier and get your dough.
CURLY: [looking at the check] Oh boy! We’re millionaires! We’re billionaires!
[Curly opens the cigar box on Fuller’s desk and he puts the cigar in his mouth.]
STOOGES: So long!
FULLER: So long boys!
[Curly walks towards the window. He then turns around and bumps into Moe. The cigar Curly had in his mouth ends up getting crushed because it bumped into Moe’s face.]
MOE: Oh!
CURLY: [looks at the crushed cigar] Hmm.
[Mrs. Van Bustle walks into the office and approaches the stooges]
MRS. VAN BUSTLE: Oh there you are!! Oh my dear, dear boys, you saved me from a horrible fate! [points to Curly] You I shall marry instead of that terrible prince. Ohh!
[Mrs. Van Bustle lifts Curly up and kisses him four times. She then puts him down]
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo woo woo! Rrrr ruff!
[Curly holds Mrs. Van Bustle in his arms. Curly turns his head, takes off his hat and kisses his hand]
CURLY: Ah nyuk nyuk nyuk.
[As Curly gets ready to kiss Mrs. Van Bustle, Moe removes his hat and gets ready to kiss her too. When Curly turns his head and tries to kiss Mrs. Van Bustle, he kisses Moe by accident.]
CURLY: Ahhh!
[Mrs. Van Bustle walks away]
MOE: I’m poisoned! What’s the matter with you? [slaps Curly]
CURLY: What’s the idea?
[Moe hits Curly in the stomach]
CURLY: Oh!
[Moe slaps Curly on the head. He then eyepokes Curly]
MOE: What’s the matter with you? [Curly slaps Moe] Why you! [slaps Curly]
[Curly slaps Moe back, then Moe slaps Curly again. Curly slaps Moe back again. Moe shrugs his shoulders. He turns to Larry and slaps him]
MOE: [to Larry] What do you want from me?
CURLY: What’s the---
MOE: [grabs Curly by the neck] I’ll strangle ya!!
LARRY: [to Fuller] I’m standing here, I’m not doing any---
[Moe grabs Curly’s head and bonks him six times. Larry looks at them in horror]
CURLY: Hmm.
[Curly puts his hand in front of Moe. He moves his hand to the left, then to the right, then to the left, then to the right, then to the left and finally to the right. He then moves his hand up. All this time, Moe follows Curly’s hand. When Moe looks up as Curly moves his hand up, Curly hits Moe on the head]
MOE: Oww!
LARRY: Ohh!!
[The scene ends]
--THE END--
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