Lobby Cards: The Classic Comedies (The Michael Hawks Collection: Volume II)
This website is made possible, in part, by displaying a few online advertisements to our visitors.
Please consider supporting us by disabling your ad blocker for this site.
Please consider supporting us by disabling your ad blocker for this site.
Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2002-09-14
CORNY CASANOVAS
Fiancee....Connie Cezan
The short opens up with the Stooges humming the tune of “Here Comes the Bride†while cleaning their apartment. Larry is mopping, Shemp is vacuuming, and Moe is dusting the chandelier.
LARRY: Oh boy! Am I happy! Just think – before we know it, we’ll all three be married! Ha, ha!
MOE: Yeah! We’ll soon have wives to do the housework instead of us.
SHEMP: What gets me is how you two ever found anyone who’d marry such house haunters/horners(?). Ha, ha, ha, ha...
Moe belts Shemp on the head with his duster.
MOE: Quiet, titmouse, and finish your work!
SHEMP: (angry) Alright!
Shemp continues singing to himself vacuuming around the ladder that Moe is standing on. Meanwhile, Moe accidentally bangs his head on the chandelier. Then Moe continues dusting the chandelier, but some dust gets in his nose.
MOE: (sneezing) Ah – Ah – AAAACHOOOO! ... (to himself) Gesundheit!
Camera cuts over to Shemp, singing to himself and vacuuming.
SHEMP: (singing) Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong! Ding, dong, ding...
Shemp suddenly stops when he notices the vacuum wire seems stuck. Without looking behind him, he gives the wire a tug. Nothing happens. He then gives it an even stronger tug and suddenly, a crash noise is heard off-screen. Shemp jumps in shock, and then slowly turns back around. Camera cuts over to Moe, whose ladder has been knocked over by Shemp’s vacuum wire and his head is lodged inside of a pail filled with water.
MOE: (inside the pail) BLUB! BLFFGTT! BLUB!
Shemp and Larry run up to him and each yank on separate ends of the pail to dislodge it from Moe’s head, but it’s only hurting Moe’s neck instead.
MOE: UGH! OW! OW! OW!
Moe finally stops Shemp and Larry by elbowing both of them on their knees.
SHEMP AND LARRY: (together) OW! OOH!
Moe pulls the pail off of his head by himself, then stands back up, rubbing his sore neck.
SHEMP: Gee, Moe! I’m sorry, Moe! What "Moe" can a fella say? That’s all there is, there ain’t no "Moe"!
MOE: Heh, heh, heh! (patting Shemp on the head) You’re only nervous. You were just careless.
SHEMP: Yeah! Thanks.
MOE: You’re welcome...
Moe suddenly smashes Shemp over the head with the pail.
MOE: (pushing Shemp away) Get outta here! Go on! Get to work! (to Larry) You, fix the bed!
LARRY: (stepping up to Moe) Who’s gonna make me?
MOE: (pointing off-screen) He is.
LARRY: (turning around to see where Moe’s pointing) He is???
As Larry turns around, Moe pulls the back of Larry’s suspenders and then lets it go. The suspenders strap snaps painfully on Larry’s back, pushing him all the way over into the fold-up bed.
LARRY: OOH! (mumbling to himself about Moe) Stupid ol’ buzzard! “Fix the bedâ€...
Larry gets up from the bed and then holds the bed sheets up to his mouth. He then gives one powerful blow of breath, which causes the bed sheets to instantly cover the whole bed. Camera cuts over to Shemp, looking at the dusty table.
SHEMP: (to himself) Sloppy housekeepers!
Shemp begins to mop the dusty table. Moe is standing right behind him, and gets hit in the side of the face with Shemp’s mop handle.
MOE: OOH! (gets hit in the right eye with the handle) OOH! OWW, OW, OW... (gets hit in the left eye) OW, OW, OW, OW... (gets hit in the right eye again) OWW!! Hey, you! Get ou...
Suddenly, the mop handle gets pushed inside of Moe’s open mouth. Moe then pulls the handle out of his mouth and grabs the mop away from Shemp.
SHEMP: Sorry, Moe, the mop did it!
MOE: Well, so it did... (suddenly shoves mop in Shemp’s face, shoving him off-camera) GET OUT!
A crash noise is heard off-camera.
SHEMP: (off-camera) OOH!
Moe ignores Shemp and begins dusting off his wet suit. Camera cuts over to Larry, who has just finished making the bed.
LARRY: There!
Larry grabs the end of the bed and folds it up to the wall. As he turns around, the fold-up bed suddenly falls back down and crashes on top of Larry.
LARRY: OHHHHH!!!!!
Camera cuts over to Shemp, who’s about to pound a nail into the wall, for a picture to hang off of. But he notices that he’s missing a hammer.
SHEMP: (checking his pockets) Oh, where’d I put that... (putting the nail down) Hmm, I gotta get somethin’ to pound with!
Shemp walks up to a set of drawers and opens the top one.
SHEMP: (searching through the drawer) Nope! Oh, yeah...
Shemp bends down to look through the bottom drawer.
SHEMP (picking up a gun): Oh, this has got it!
Shemp closes the bottom drawer, then raises his head and bumps it into the top drawer, which he forgot to close.
SHEMP: OOF! (rubbing his head) Ohh, my head...
Shemp closes the top drawer, then walks back over to the wall and begins hammering in the nail with the back of the gun. Camera cuts over to Moe, looking up and noticing Shemp hammering with the gun, with the barrel faced toward him. Moe then angrily grins to himself and folds his arms together. Camera cuts back to Shemp still hammering with the gun, when suddenly, his finger accidentally pulls the trigger and the gun fires off-screen.
MOE: (off-screen) OOH! OOHHHHH!
Shemp looks at the barrel of the gun in shock, then looks off-screen and notices Moe. Camera cuts over to Moe, with the middle of his hair split right off from the gunfire.
MOE: (holding head) OWWWWW! OOOH, I’M SCALPED! OH-OH- OH-OH-OH!
Moe runs around, helplessly in pain, then jumps on top of the fold-up bed. This causes the bed to automatically bounce back up to the wall, and Larry is then revealed, who was still trapped under the bed. Just as he’s about to stand up, the fold-up bed with Moe on it falls right back down and lands on Larry’s back again.
LARRY: UGH! (looks up to the camera with a dazed look on his face)
Scene ends and we go to the next scene, with the boys about to fix up their torn davenport.
SHEMP: Now as soon as we get this davenport recovered, the place will be more “presentimental†to the new bribes.
LARRY: "Bribes"?! You mean brides!
SHEMP: Uh-uh! Anybody who’d marry you two buzzards would have to be bribed! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
LARRY: Yeah...(hitting Shemp on the head with a pair of scissors) shutup!
SHEMP: OOH!
MOE: (to Shemp) Now for your information, it was love at first sight. My girl proposed to me the minute we met!
LARRY: Yeah? My girl did, too!
SHEMP: Well, that’s a coincidencal. That’s exactly what my...future wife did to me!
MOE: (waving his arm at Shemp) Oh, c’mon, c’mon! (to Larry) Cut this material already.
SHEMP: (to Moe) Hold it up there.
Moe and Shemp both stretch out the material for Larry to cut.
SHEMP: There ya go.
LARRY: Right!
Larry begins to cuts right along the way of the cloth with his scissors, then has a little trouble around the middle of the cloth.
MOE: How ya comin’?
LARRY: Alright, alright! It’s on a bias, here! (having even more trouble cutting through the material) I must be goin’ against the grain!
MOE: (getting impatient) Come onnnnn!
LARRY: (nearly finished cutting through the material) Alright! (finally done) There!
Moe drops the cloth roll right on Shemp’s head. Moe and Larry then notice that Larry has cut one side of Moe’s suit while cutting the cloth.
LARRY: (surprised) Oh...
MOE: (grabbing the scissors out of Larry’s hand) You stupid idiot!
LARRY: Wait a minute, I can explain it...
Moe grabs Larry by the hair and then crunches his nose with the pair of scissors.
LARRY: OHHH! OHH! OH, MY NOSE!!! (weeping) My poor, poor, little, cute, lovable nose!
MOE: (acting sorry) Aww, there, there kid. (patting Larry’s face) I was a little bit excited!
LARRY: Oh...
MOE: (suddenly nose-honking Larry) C’MON, YOU!!! Stretch this material out.
LARRY: (groaning) Alright...
MOE: (to Shemp, yanking him by the hair) Get a hammer and some tacks. (to himself) Just my luck! I buy a two-pants suit and he (pointing to Larry) ruins the coat!
Larry and Moe stretch the material over the couch. Meanwhile, Shemp grabs a hammer and puts a tack in his mouth. After keeping it in there for a few seconds, Shemp takes the tack out and sticks it on the end of the hammer. He then walks up to Moe and Larry.
MOE: Alright, come on. Right here on the end.
Shemp is about to hammer the tack in one end of the material, then suddenly stops.
SHEMP: Waitaminnit, I gotta do this right. (puts on a pair of glasses, with lenses that look he got them from the bottoms to glass cups) I don’t wanna miss.
MOE: (directing Shemp) Right close to the end.
SHEMP: Alright.
Shemp swings his hammer down toward the material, but since he can’t see well with the glasses, he actually ends up hammering the tack into Moe’s hand.
MOE: OOOOHHHHHH!!!! (holding his fist with the tack in it up to his face) OOOOOHH! (yanks the tack out of his skin with his teeth)
SHEMP: Sorry, Moe. I can’t get used to these “bicycle focalsâ€. (takes off the glasses)
MOE: (grabbing a bigger hammer) Why, you cement head!
Moe bangs the hammer over Shemp’s head, then holds the hammer off-camera.
SHEMP: Oh, oh, oh! -- (looks off-camera at the hammer) Oh, look!
Moe holds the hammer back up on camera and reveals that the hammer is now all smashed up after hitting Shemp’s head. Moe stares at the banged-up hammer in shock.
MOE: Ya wrecked da hammer! You idiot! C’mon, get busy!
LARRY: Hold it, fellas! I got an idea! Stretch out the cloth. I’ll take care of everything. (runs off-camera)
MOE: Okay. (to Shemp, as they both stretch out the cloth again over the couch) Now level it off nice and tight.
SHEMP: I got it.
Larry runs back on the scene, holding a rifle.
MOE: What’s the idea of the rifle?
LARRY: That’s a continuous shooting automatic. I figure if a rivet gun can shoot rivets, this can shoot tacks.
MOE: You’re gettin’ to be a smart little imbecile! (pats Larry on the forehead)
LARRY: Thank you! (runs up to a table with a funnel and a box of tacks) There we are! (putting the funnel over the barrel of the rifle) Funnel. (picking up the box of tacks) Plenty of tacks.
Larry pours the tacks into the barrel through the funnel. When Larry’s finished, he takes the funnel off the rifle barrel, then walks back up to Moe and Shemp.
LARRY: Ready?
MOE: (Holding up a sword) Ready...aim...fire!
A close-up of Larry firing the continuous rifle several times. Larry then stops. Camera cuts over to a shot of the couch, with the tacks that Larry shot out the rifle holding up the material over it. The tacks are lined up together perfectly.
SHEMP: (impressed) Ain’t bad!
MOE: That’s nice work! But we’d better hurry up and finish it, because I got a date with my girl.
SHEMP: Me, too.
LARRY: (walking back over to the table) Me, three! (puts the funnel back over the rifle barrel) Funnel. (picks up the box of tacks) More tacks.
Larry pours more tacks into the funnel. Suddenly, an eager Shemp comes over and tries to grab hold of the rifle.
SHEMP: Hey, let me try it!
LARRY: (still holding on to the rifle) Wait a min...
SHEMP: Nggooh!
MOE: Hold it! (bends over the couch, fixing the material) Gotta hold it up.
Shemp and Larry continue to fight over the rifle.
SHEMP: Hey, let me try it!
LARRY: Wait a minute, I-I saw it first!
SHEMP: Aw...
Suddenly, the trigger is pulled and the rifle fires off- camera. Shemp and Larry look over to Moe off-camera and jump in shock. Camera cuts over to Moe, who has a whole bunch of tacks shot into his behind.
MOE: OW! OW! OWW! OHHHH, I’M LOSING MY MIND!!! OHHHHH! (looks over to Larry and Shemp) Hey, fellahs...OHHHHH!
SHEMP: (to Larry): We’d better do somethin’!
LARRY: C’mon!
Shemp grabs a pair of pliers and Larry grabs a hammer, then they both run up to Moe.
MOE: OOWWWWWWW!!!
SHEMP AND LARRY: (grabbing hold of Moe by the waist) Hold still!
Shemp begins to pull the tacks out of Moe’s behind with the pliers while Larry yanks the tacks out with the back of a hammer. Moe is shouting his lungs out in agony as this goes on.
MOE: TAKE IT EASY! YOU’RE TEARIN’ MY HEART OUT!!!! OHHHHH!
Finally, Shemp and Larry are done pulling all the tacks out of Moe’s now sore rare-end.
LARRY: How do ya feel, Moe?
MOE: How do I feel?! I’ll probably have to eat all my meals standing up! (reaching over to eyepoke Larry) Why you...
Larry ducks and Moe eyepokes Shemp instead.
SHEMP: OH!
LARRY: (standing back up) Ya missed me!
MOE: (eyepoking Larry) Wiseguy!
LARRY: (holding eyes in pain) Oh!
MOE: I’ll tack the thing myself! (walks over to the table with the box of tacks, and puts several tacks in his mouth to moisten them for the hammer)
SHEMP: (to Larry) Ya couldn’t let me do it! Ya had to gum up the woiks!
LARRY: Ehh, go stick yer head in a bucket and see if your nose’ll write under water! (nose-flicks Shemp)
SHEMP: Oh, yeah?!!
LARRY: Yeah!
SHEMP: (reaching over to punch Larry) Why...
Larry ducks and Shemp ends up punching Moe on the back of the head, causing him to accidentally swallow all those tacks in his mouth.
MOE: (gagging) ELL! AHALAALA!
LARRY: He swallowed the tacks!!!
SHEMP: Oh!
LARRY: Get ‘im over here!
MOE: ACK!
Shemp and Larry bend Moe over the couch and slap him on the back in, an attempt to get the tacks to come out of his mouth.
LARRY: The tacks won’t come out!
SHEMP: They went in. Maybe they’re “income tacksâ€!
LARRY: ...I got an idea. Roll ‘im on his back.
SHEMP: Alright!
Larry runs off-camera and Shemp rolls Moe on his back on the couch.
SHEMP: C’mon, over there! Hold steady! C’mon.
Larry then runs back on camera with a magnet
LARRY: Here we are! (pushing Shemp out of the way) Move it, will ya? Hey, I got a magnet, open your mouth, Moe.
Moe opens his mouth wide and Larry slowly forces the magnet down inside.
LARRY: There we go! There!
MOE: AAAGH!
LARRY: Move yer tonsils. There, that’s it, that’s it!
SHEMP: (tapping Moe on the stomach) Cough ‘em up! Cough ‘em up!
LARRY: (to Shemp) Hold it!
Larry slowly brings the magnet back up out of Moe’s mouth, and the magnet is covered with all of the tacks that Moe swallowed.
MOE: (holding his throat) Ohhhh!
Larry and Shemp help Moe up off the couch.
LARRY: Are ya okay now, Moe? Don’t worry, don’t worry, Moe. (holding back up the magnet) These tacks’ll never "attack" ya again. (puts down the magnet)
MOE: But I will! (gives Shemp and Larry the stomach- head combination at the same time)
SHEMP AND LARRY: OOH!!
MOE: (reaches over to eyepoke Shemp) Why...
LARRY: (grabbing Moe’s arm to stop him) Wait a minute!
Moe eyepokes Larry instead with his other arm.
SHEMP: Let ‘im alone!
MOE: (slapping Shemp) Quiet, you guys... (picks up an apple from the fruit bowl and holds it up to Larry) Have an apple!
LARRY: Thank you...
Larry holds out his hand, expecting Moe to hand him the apple, but Moe instead angrily smashes the apple on Larry’s forehead. Larry grimaces in pain while Moe grins evily as the scene fades out.
Camera fades into the next scene, with Larry talking over the phone to his fiancée.
LARRY: Yeah, I’ll be right over. You sure you love me, cutie pie?
FIANCEE: (makes a sour face) ...Of course I do, darling. (makes kissing sounds into the phone receiver)
LARRY: (makes kissing sounds back) (raising his arms in the air in excitement) SHE LOVES ME! SHE LOVES ME! SHE LOVES ME...
As Larry brings arms down, the hand holding the receiver accidentally smashes against his head, breaking the phone receiver.
LARRY: (rubbing his head) OOH! (happily) But she loves me...!
Camera cuts over to the bathroom, where Shemp and Moe are each getting fixed up for their upcoming dates.
SHEMP: (picking out petals from a flower) She loves me...She loves me not...She loves me...She loves me not...SHE LOVES ME! (throws the now petal-less flower down) Oh, boy! Now I’ll polish m’shoes! (opens up the polish bottle and look inside) Where’s the dauber?
Shemp looks behind him and searches through a box, then takes out a cup.
SHEMP: Gotta give myself a good shine, here...
Shemp pours the black polish in the cup, then takes out the dauber, and begins polishing his shoes. Moe, in the meantime, is putting shaving cream on his face.
MOE: Hey, where’s Larry?
SHEMP: Over at his girlfriend’s. ...Wonder what she looks like.
MOE: So do I...For that matter, I wonder what your girl looks like, you never told me.
SHEMP: (walking over to Moe) Well that makes us even. You never told me what your girl looks like, probably a goon! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
MOE: Yeah... (does a double take, then slaps Shemp on the face with his shaving cream brush)
SHEMP: (grabbing the brush out of Moe’s hand) Gimme that brush!!
MOE: Put that brush down!
SHEMP: (groaning) Oh, alright... (not looking at what he’s doing, he throws the brush in the cup with the black shoe polish instead of in the cup with the shaving cream)
MOE: Now get outta hea!
SHEMP: (walking back over to the over side of the room) You’re always pickin’ on me!
MOE: I’m gonna catch up with ya, brother! (while still looking at Shemp, he grabs the brush back out of the cup with the shoe polish and begins to brush it on own his face, thinking it’s shaving cream) You keep talkin’ about my girl. That’s a good way to get your head busted, remember that now!
SHEMP: (mumbling) Oh, yeah...?
Moe looks in the mirror, and then does a double take when he sees the black polish all over his face. Moe then turns over to Shemp, who is bending over while polishing his shoes, and kicks him right in the rear end.
SHEMP: OHH! OH! OH!
Shemp turns over to Moe and Moe shoves the shoe polish- covered brush in his mouth. Shemp pulls the brush back out of his mouth, while gagging and spitting the shoe polish. Moe grabs the cup with shoe polish in it and holds it behind his back.
MOE: (acting sorry) Hey, kid. Forget it, forget it. I lost my head. (handing Shemp the cup) Here, rinse your mouth.
Shemp falls for it and begins to rinse his mouth out with the black polish, thinking it’s actually water.
MOE: There ya are! (quietly laughing to himself)
When Shemp realizes what he’s really rinsing his mouth out with, he does a double take into the camera then reaches over to deck Moe in the face. Moe quickly punches Shemp in the stomach, causing him to spit all the shoe polish in his mouth into Moe’s face.
MOE: Mppph!
SHEMP: Hold it, Moe! I’ll fix it! I’ll fix ya up! (grabs a towel and begins poorly wiping Moe’s face with it) Wait a minute, kid, just a little more, just... (puts more shoe polish on Moe’s nose) Right here, I gotta put it on. (continues to poorly “clean†Moe’s face with the towel.)
Scene fades out and fades into the next scene at the fiancée’s apartment. She’s sitting on her couch and petting her cat. Suddenly, there’s a knock on her front door. The fiancée gets up and then opens the door. Larry is standing on the outside, and smiles at the fiancée as she sees him.
FIANCEE: Oh, come in! (Larry walks in) I knew your were coming so I baked a cake.
They both look the chocolate cake, which is on the table.
LARRY: Thank you! (patting the pocket of his suit) And I got somethin’ for my little cutie pie, too!
FIANCEE: (excited) Oh!
Larry takes off his coat and reveals another vest he has on under it. He then takes that coat off and reveals yet another vest under it. This goes on and on for a while as the fiancée stares in confusion. Finally, Larry pulls off his last vest, and his bottom shirt has a pocket with a lock on it. Larry opens the lock and then takes a ring box out of the pocket.
LARRY: Close your eyes!
The fiancée shuts her eyes in anticipation. Larry takes the ring out of the box, and then jiggles the box around more as if he’s expecting something else to come out of it. Larry puts the box down, and slides the ring on one of his fiancée’s fingers, then holds a magnifying glass in front of her face.
LARRY: Open your eye.
The fiancée opens her eyes and sees a magnified view of the diamond on her ring.
FIANCEE: Oh!
LARRY: (putting the magnifying glass down) There. Now how about a little kiss?
Larry and the fiancée hold each other and Larry begins smooching on the fiancée’s cheek. Suddenly, there’s another knock at the door.
FIANCEE: Oh! It-It-It’s mama!
Larry snaps his finger in anger.
FIANCEE: I wanna break the news to her gently about us. Would you mind waiting in the left bedroom?
LARRY: The left bedroom, yes!
Larry grabs all of his vests from the floor, and opens the door to the hallway. Larry then turns back to his fiancée and blows a kiss to her. As he turns back around, he bumps into the door.
LARRY: OOF!
After Larry goes in the room, the fiancée takes off her ring and hides it down the front of her dress, then walks up to the door and opens it. We see Moe standing outside the door.
FIANCEE: Darling, come in! (Moe walks in) I knew you were coming, so I baked a cake.
MOE: Oh, fancy that! You’re a honey bunny! (pinches the fiancée on the face)
FIANCEE: (noticing a bell hanging off from Moe’s hand) Hey! W-what’s this???
MOE: Oh, this! I have bells on my finger, and...(sits down on the couch and pulls off his shoe, revealing a ring on one of his toes)...ring on my toe! Ha, ha! (takes off the ring and puts it on the fiancées hand)
FIANCEE: (looking at her ring) Oh!
MOE: How ‘bout a kiss?
Moe begins kissing the fiancée on the cheek when yet another knock is hear on the front door.
FIANCEE: It’s mama! I wanna break the news to her gently about us. Would you mind waiting in the right bedroom?
MOE: The right bedroom, yes! (runs up to the hallway door)
FIANCEE: Hey!
Moe looks at the fiancée and she throws his shoe back at him, hitting him in the face.
MOE: OOF! (kindly) Oh, darling... (angrily picks up the shoe and walks in the hallway)
After Moe closes the hallway door, the fiancée takes off her second ring and hides it down the front of her dress. Then she opens the front door, and reveals Shemp standing there.
FIANCEE: Darling, come in! (Shemp walks in) I knew you were coming, so I baked a cake.
SHEMP: Oh, you shouldn’ta oughtn’ta done it...but I didn’t forget ya, either. Close yer eyes.
The fiancée shuts her eyes closed as Shemp pulls up one of his pant legs and reveals him wearing a long stocking. Shemp takes a ring out of the stocking, and slides it on the fiancée’s finger.
SHEMP: (taking the fiancée with him over to the couch) Won’t you come over here and sit down? I have somethin’ else fer ya.
They both sit down at the couch and Shemp takes out a large envelope.
SHEMP: And now honey...(takes a framed photo of himself out of the envelope)...you can have me with ya all the time.
The fiancée tries to act pleased as she places the ugly photo of Shemp on her table.
SHEMP: That’s me, honey! (starts kissing the fiancee’s hand) Eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb!
Camera cuts over to the cat, which looks up and notices that horrible photo of Shemp. After looking at it for a while, the cat shrivels up and hisses in disgust. Camera cuts to the hallway of the apartment, and Moe and Larry are each peeking out of their rooms, curious about what their “fiancée†is doing. They being wandering around the hallway, not even noticing each other at first. Then they bump into each other.
MOE AND LARRY: (together) Pardon me... (both do a double take)
MOE: Whaddaya doin’ in my girl’s house???
LARRY: Your girl??? She’s my girl!
MOE: We’ll see about that! C’mon! (grabs Larry by the hair)
LARRY: (grabbing Moe by the hair) Yeah alright, I’m with ya! Don’t worry...
Moe and Larry walk out of the hallway, still grabbing each other by the hair, and then notice Shemp and the fiancée smooching each other. Shemp suddenly stands up and walks over to them.
SHEMP: HEY! Whaddaya doin’ in my girl’s house???
LARRY: She’s my girl!
MOE: You’re both double-crossers, I’ll tear ya apart! (slapping both Shemp and Larry)
SHEMP AND LARRY: OOH!
MOE: (pushing Larry away) C’mon, get outta hea! (turning towards Shemp) You!!
SHEMP: Don’t...
MOE: You muzzlin’ in on my girl! I’ll tear ya tonsils out!
SHEMP: (grabbing hold of the chocolate cake) Oh, you will, eh?
Shemp throws the cake at Moe, but Moe ducks and it misses him. Camera cuts over to the fiancée.
FIANCEE: (yelling at Shemp) DON’T YOU DARE... (suddenly gets smashed right in the face with the cake) UGH! UHHHHHH! GRRRR!
Shemp and Moe both stare in shock at the fiancée’s cake- covered face. The fiancée storms out of the room, crying.
SHEMP: (to Moe) Look whatcha did!
MOE: (bopping Shemp on the head with his fist) Quiet! (raising his fists) Put up yer hands!
Shemp raises his arms.
MOE: (slapping Shemp on the face) C’mon!
SHEMP: OOF!
MOE: (pushing Shemp away) Get outta hea!
SHEMP: Oh, so you want a fight, eh? (starts doing his shadowboxing routine) I’ll give it to ya, whaddaya know about that?
MOE: (not intimidated at all) Yeah?
SHEMP: I’m a little too speedy for ya, ain’t I?
MOE: (still not scared) Go ahead.
SHEMP: Why, I’ll dust you off! (starts skipping up and down in place) Wait’ll I get through my little skipping here! I’m ready fer ya, kid!
MOE: Go ahead!
SHEMP: Can ya take it? Can ya take it?
MOE: Yeah... (suddenly punches Shemp right in the face) I can take it!
Shemp falls back into a wall, which knocks a nearby plant off of it’s shelf and the pot smashes over Shemp’s head. Camera cuts over back over to Moe, who’s taking care of Larry now.
MOE: (whacking Larry over the head with a fireplace bellows) Get outta hea!
Larry drops over on the ground. Moe walks up to him and places the bellows in Larry’s mouth, then begins pumping the air out of the bellows
MOE: Steal my girl, eh??!!
Moe continues pumping the air into Larry’s mouth until his stomach gets a big as a hot air balloon. Moe then puts his leg weight on Larry’s inflated stomach, and all the chimney soot from the bellows comes blowing out of Larry’s mouth.
MOE: (surprised by the amount of soot that Larry coughed up) NYAAAAAH!!!
As Moe looks at the bellows in confusement, Larry then wakes up from his daze, with his face all covered in soot, and grabs hold of a nearby chimney shovel. Suddenly, he smashes the shovel into Moe’s knee.
MOE: (holding his leg in pain) OH-OH-OH-OH-OH!
LARRY: Wiseguy, eh? (stand up fron the floor and hits Moe on the head with the shovel several more times) Do that to me, will ya? …Ya think you are?
MOE: (trying to run away) Larry, I’ll moida ya!
LARRY: You son on a...
MOE: I’ll tell ya...
LARRY: (smashing Moe on the head again) Quiet!
Larry continues banging Moe on the head several times with the shovel. After several more hits, both Moe and Larry are running out of energy. Camera cuts over to Shemp, awakening from his daze. He takes the flower and smashed flower pot pieces off of his head, and looks over and notices a practically life-less Larry still hitting an equally tired Moe with a shovel non- stop. They’re both about to pass out. Shemp then gets an idea, and walks over to the two. Shemp takes the shovel away from Larry’s hand, and gives it to Moe, and motions him to hit Larry. Moe does just that, and Larry passes out on the ground. Moe then turns over to Shemp to thank him, but then Shemp suddenly hits him with the shovel, knocking him out also. Shemp then notices the fiancée walking out of the hallway.
SHEMP: Sweetheart!
The fiancée snatches the shovel away from Shemp and then whacks him over the head with the shovel. He passes out over right next to Larry and Moe.
FIANCEE: So long, suckers!
The fiancée walks out of the door, leaving the Stooges alone. A dazed Shemp then sits back up and looks at Larry’s hair.
SHEMP: (ripping out a piece of Larry’s hair as if it were a rose petal) She loves me...(rips out another piece of Larry’s hair)...she loves me not...(rips out another piece)...she loves me...
THE END
Fiancee....Connie Cezan
The short opens up with the Stooges humming the tune of “Here Comes the Bride†while cleaning their apartment. Larry is mopping, Shemp is vacuuming, and Moe is dusting the chandelier.
LARRY: Oh boy! Am I happy! Just think – before we know it, we’ll all three be married! Ha, ha!
MOE: Yeah! We’ll soon have wives to do the housework instead of us.
SHEMP: What gets me is how you two ever found anyone who’d marry such house haunters/horners(?). Ha, ha, ha, ha...
Moe belts Shemp on the head with his duster.
MOE: Quiet, titmouse, and finish your work!
SHEMP: (angry) Alright!
Shemp continues singing to himself vacuuming around the ladder that Moe is standing on. Meanwhile, Moe accidentally bangs his head on the chandelier. Then Moe continues dusting the chandelier, but some dust gets in his nose.
MOE: (sneezing) Ah – Ah – AAAACHOOOO! ... (to himself) Gesundheit!
Camera cuts over to Shemp, singing to himself and vacuuming.
SHEMP: (singing) Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong! Ding, dong, ding...
Shemp suddenly stops when he notices the vacuum wire seems stuck. Without looking behind him, he gives the wire a tug. Nothing happens. He then gives it an even stronger tug and suddenly, a crash noise is heard off-screen. Shemp jumps in shock, and then slowly turns back around. Camera cuts over to Moe, whose ladder has been knocked over by Shemp’s vacuum wire and his head is lodged inside of a pail filled with water.
MOE: (inside the pail) BLUB! BLFFGTT! BLUB!
Shemp and Larry run up to him and each yank on separate ends of the pail to dislodge it from Moe’s head, but it’s only hurting Moe’s neck instead.
MOE: UGH! OW! OW! OW!
Moe finally stops Shemp and Larry by elbowing both of them on their knees.
SHEMP AND LARRY: (together) OW! OOH!
Moe pulls the pail off of his head by himself, then stands back up, rubbing his sore neck.
SHEMP: Gee, Moe! I’m sorry, Moe! What "Moe" can a fella say? That’s all there is, there ain’t no "Moe"!
MOE: Heh, heh, heh! (patting Shemp on the head) You’re only nervous. You were just careless.
SHEMP: Yeah! Thanks.
MOE: You’re welcome...
Moe suddenly smashes Shemp over the head with the pail.
MOE: (pushing Shemp away) Get outta here! Go on! Get to work! (to Larry) You, fix the bed!
LARRY: (stepping up to Moe) Who’s gonna make me?
MOE: (pointing off-screen) He is.
LARRY: (turning around to see where Moe’s pointing) He is???
As Larry turns around, Moe pulls the back of Larry’s suspenders and then lets it go. The suspenders strap snaps painfully on Larry’s back, pushing him all the way over into the fold-up bed.
LARRY: OOH! (mumbling to himself about Moe) Stupid ol’ buzzard! “Fix the bedâ€...
Larry gets up from the bed and then holds the bed sheets up to his mouth. He then gives one powerful blow of breath, which causes the bed sheets to instantly cover the whole bed. Camera cuts over to Shemp, looking at the dusty table.
SHEMP: (to himself) Sloppy housekeepers!
Shemp begins to mop the dusty table. Moe is standing right behind him, and gets hit in the side of the face with Shemp’s mop handle.
MOE: OOH! (gets hit in the right eye with the handle) OOH! OWW, OW, OW... (gets hit in the left eye) OW, OW, OW, OW... (gets hit in the right eye again) OWW!! Hey, you! Get ou...
Suddenly, the mop handle gets pushed inside of Moe’s open mouth. Moe then pulls the handle out of his mouth and grabs the mop away from Shemp.
SHEMP: Sorry, Moe, the mop did it!
MOE: Well, so it did... (suddenly shoves mop in Shemp’s face, shoving him off-camera) GET OUT!
A crash noise is heard off-camera.
SHEMP: (off-camera) OOH!
Moe ignores Shemp and begins dusting off his wet suit. Camera cuts over to Larry, who has just finished making the bed.
LARRY: There!
Larry grabs the end of the bed and folds it up to the wall. As he turns around, the fold-up bed suddenly falls back down and crashes on top of Larry.
LARRY: OHHHHH!!!!!
Camera cuts over to Shemp, who’s about to pound a nail into the wall, for a picture to hang off of. But he notices that he’s missing a hammer.
SHEMP: (checking his pockets) Oh, where’d I put that... (putting the nail down) Hmm, I gotta get somethin’ to pound with!
Shemp walks up to a set of drawers and opens the top one.
SHEMP: (searching through the drawer) Nope! Oh, yeah...
Shemp bends down to look through the bottom drawer.
SHEMP (picking up a gun): Oh, this has got it!
Shemp closes the bottom drawer, then raises his head and bumps it into the top drawer, which he forgot to close.
SHEMP: OOF! (rubbing his head) Ohh, my head...
Shemp closes the top drawer, then walks back over to the wall and begins hammering in the nail with the back of the gun. Camera cuts over to Moe, looking up and noticing Shemp hammering with the gun, with the barrel faced toward him. Moe then angrily grins to himself and folds his arms together. Camera cuts back to Shemp still hammering with the gun, when suddenly, his finger accidentally pulls the trigger and the gun fires off-screen.
MOE: (off-screen) OOH! OOHHHHH!
Shemp looks at the barrel of the gun in shock, then looks off-screen and notices Moe. Camera cuts over to Moe, with the middle of his hair split right off from the gunfire.
MOE: (holding head) OWWWWW! OOOH, I’M SCALPED! OH-OH- OH-OH-OH!
Moe runs around, helplessly in pain, then jumps on top of the fold-up bed. This causes the bed to automatically bounce back up to the wall, and Larry is then revealed, who was still trapped under the bed. Just as he’s about to stand up, the fold-up bed with Moe on it falls right back down and lands on Larry’s back again.
LARRY: UGH! (looks up to the camera with a dazed look on his face)
Scene ends and we go to the next scene, with the boys about to fix up their torn davenport.
SHEMP: Now as soon as we get this davenport recovered, the place will be more “presentimental†to the new bribes.
LARRY: "Bribes"?! You mean brides!
SHEMP: Uh-uh! Anybody who’d marry you two buzzards would have to be bribed! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
LARRY: Yeah...(hitting Shemp on the head with a pair of scissors) shutup!
SHEMP: OOH!
MOE: (to Shemp) Now for your information, it was love at first sight. My girl proposed to me the minute we met!
LARRY: Yeah? My girl did, too!
SHEMP: Well, that’s a coincidencal. That’s exactly what my...future wife did to me!
MOE: (waving his arm at Shemp) Oh, c’mon, c’mon! (to Larry) Cut this material already.
SHEMP: (to Moe) Hold it up there.
Moe and Shemp both stretch out the material for Larry to cut.
SHEMP: There ya go.
LARRY: Right!
Larry begins to cuts right along the way of the cloth with his scissors, then has a little trouble around the middle of the cloth.
MOE: How ya comin’?
LARRY: Alright, alright! It’s on a bias, here! (having even more trouble cutting through the material) I must be goin’ against the grain!
MOE: (getting impatient) Come onnnnn!
LARRY: (nearly finished cutting through the material) Alright! (finally done) There!
Moe drops the cloth roll right on Shemp’s head. Moe and Larry then notice that Larry has cut one side of Moe’s suit while cutting the cloth.
LARRY: (surprised) Oh...
MOE: (grabbing the scissors out of Larry’s hand) You stupid idiot!
LARRY: Wait a minute, I can explain it...
Moe grabs Larry by the hair and then crunches his nose with the pair of scissors.
LARRY: OHHH! OHH! OH, MY NOSE!!! (weeping) My poor, poor, little, cute, lovable nose!
MOE: (acting sorry) Aww, there, there kid. (patting Larry’s face) I was a little bit excited!
LARRY: Oh...
MOE: (suddenly nose-honking Larry) C’MON, YOU!!! Stretch this material out.
LARRY: (groaning) Alright...
MOE: (to Shemp, yanking him by the hair) Get a hammer and some tacks. (to himself) Just my luck! I buy a two-pants suit and he (pointing to Larry) ruins the coat!
Larry and Moe stretch the material over the couch. Meanwhile, Shemp grabs a hammer and puts a tack in his mouth. After keeping it in there for a few seconds, Shemp takes the tack out and sticks it on the end of the hammer. He then walks up to Moe and Larry.
MOE: Alright, come on. Right here on the end.
Shemp is about to hammer the tack in one end of the material, then suddenly stops.
SHEMP: Waitaminnit, I gotta do this right. (puts on a pair of glasses, with lenses that look he got them from the bottoms to glass cups) I don’t wanna miss.
MOE: (directing Shemp) Right close to the end.
SHEMP: Alright.
Shemp swings his hammer down toward the material, but since he can’t see well with the glasses, he actually ends up hammering the tack into Moe’s hand.
MOE: OOOOHHHHHH!!!! (holding his fist with the tack in it up to his face) OOOOOHH! (yanks the tack out of his skin with his teeth)
SHEMP: Sorry, Moe. I can’t get used to these “bicycle focalsâ€. (takes off the glasses)
MOE: (grabbing a bigger hammer) Why, you cement head!
Moe bangs the hammer over Shemp’s head, then holds the hammer off-camera.
SHEMP: Oh, oh, oh! -- (looks off-camera at the hammer) Oh, look!
Moe holds the hammer back up on camera and reveals that the hammer is now all smashed up after hitting Shemp’s head. Moe stares at the banged-up hammer in shock.
MOE: Ya wrecked da hammer! You idiot! C’mon, get busy!
LARRY: Hold it, fellas! I got an idea! Stretch out the cloth. I’ll take care of everything. (runs off-camera)
MOE: Okay. (to Shemp, as they both stretch out the cloth again over the couch) Now level it off nice and tight.
SHEMP: I got it.
Larry runs back on the scene, holding a rifle.
MOE: What’s the idea of the rifle?
LARRY: That’s a continuous shooting automatic. I figure if a rivet gun can shoot rivets, this can shoot tacks.
MOE: You’re gettin’ to be a smart little imbecile! (pats Larry on the forehead)
LARRY: Thank you! (runs up to a table with a funnel and a box of tacks) There we are! (putting the funnel over the barrel of the rifle) Funnel. (picking up the box of tacks) Plenty of tacks.
Larry pours the tacks into the barrel through the funnel. When Larry’s finished, he takes the funnel off the rifle barrel, then walks back up to Moe and Shemp.
LARRY: Ready?
MOE: (Holding up a sword) Ready...aim...fire!
A close-up of Larry firing the continuous rifle several times. Larry then stops. Camera cuts over to a shot of the couch, with the tacks that Larry shot out the rifle holding up the material over it. The tacks are lined up together perfectly.
SHEMP: (impressed) Ain’t bad!
MOE: That’s nice work! But we’d better hurry up and finish it, because I got a date with my girl.
SHEMP: Me, too.
LARRY: (walking back over to the table) Me, three! (puts the funnel back over the rifle barrel) Funnel. (picks up the box of tacks) More tacks.
Larry pours more tacks into the funnel. Suddenly, an eager Shemp comes over and tries to grab hold of the rifle.
SHEMP: Hey, let me try it!
LARRY: (still holding on to the rifle) Wait a min...
SHEMP: Nggooh!
MOE: Hold it! (bends over the couch, fixing the material) Gotta hold it up.
Shemp and Larry continue to fight over the rifle.
SHEMP: Hey, let me try it!
LARRY: Wait a minute, I-I saw it first!
SHEMP: Aw...
Suddenly, the trigger is pulled and the rifle fires off- camera. Shemp and Larry look over to Moe off-camera and jump in shock. Camera cuts over to Moe, who has a whole bunch of tacks shot into his behind.
MOE: OW! OW! OWW! OHHHH, I’M LOSING MY MIND!!! OHHHHH! (looks over to Larry and Shemp) Hey, fellahs...OHHHHH!
SHEMP: (to Larry): We’d better do somethin’!
LARRY: C’mon!
Shemp grabs a pair of pliers and Larry grabs a hammer, then they both run up to Moe.
MOE: OOWWWWWWW!!!
SHEMP AND LARRY: (grabbing hold of Moe by the waist) Hold still!
Shemp begins to pull the tacks out of Moe’s behind with the pliers while Larry yanks the tacks out with the back of a hammer. Moe is shouting his lungs out in agony as this goes on.
MOE: TAKE IT EASY! YOU’RE TEARIN’ MY HEART OUT!!!! OHHHHH!
Finally, Shemp and Larry are done pulling all the tacks out of Moe’s now sore rare-end.
LARRY: How do ya feel, Moe?
MOE: How do I feel?! I’ll probably have to eat all my meals standing up! (reaching over to eyepoke Larry) Why you...
Larry ducks and Moe eyepokes Shemp instead.
SHEMP: OH!
LARRY: (standing back up) Ya missed me!
MOE: (eyepoking Larry) Wiseguy!
LARRY: (holding eyes in pain) Oh!
MOE: I’ll tack the thing myself! (walks over to the table with the box of tacks, and puts several tacks in his mouth to moisten them for the hammer)
SHEMP: (to Larry) Ya couldn’t let me do it! Ya had to gum up the woiks!
LARRY: Ehh, go stick yer head in a bucket and see if your nose’ll write under water! (nose-flicks Shemp)
SHEMP: Oh, yeah?!!
LARRY: Yeah!
SHEMP: (reaching over to punch Larry) Why...
Larry ducks and Shemp ends up punching Moe on the back of the head, causing him to accidentally swallow all those tacks in his mouth.
MOE: (gagging) ELL! AHALAALA!
LARRY: He swallowed the tacks!!!
SHEMP: Oh!
LARRY: Get ‘im over here!
MOE: ACK!
Shemp and Larry bend Moe over the couch and slap him on the back in, an attempt to get the tacks to come out of his mouth.
LARRY: The tacks won’t come out!
SHEMP: They went in. Maybe they’re “income tacksâ€!
LARRY: ...I got an idea. Roll ‘im on his back.
SHEMP: Alright!
Larry runs off-camera and Shemp rolls Moe on his back on the couch.
SHEMP: C’mon, over there! Hold steady! C’mon.
Larry then runs back on camera with a magnet
LARRY: Here we are! (pushing Shemp out of the way) Move it, will ya? Hey, I got a magnet, open your mouth, Moe.
Moe opens his mouth wide and Larry slowly forces the magnet down inside.
LARRY: There we go! There!
MOE: AAAGH!
LARRY: Move yer tonsils. There, that’s it, that’s it!
SHEMP: (tapping Moe on the stomach) Cough ‘em up! Cough ‘em up!
LARRY: (to Shemp) Hold it!
Larry slowly brings the magnet back up out of Moe’s mouth, and the magnet is covered with all of the tacks that Moe swallowed.
MOE: (holding his throat) Ohhhh!
Larry and Shemp help Moe up off the couch.
LARRY: Are ya okay now, Moe? Don’t worry, don’t worry, Moe. (holding back up the magnet) These tacks’ll never "attack" ya again. (puts down the magnet)
MOE: But I will! (gives Shemp and Larry the stomach- head combination at the same time)
SHEMP AND LARRY: OOH!!
MOE: (reaches over to eyepoke Shemp) Why...
LARRY: (grabbing Moe’s arm to stop him) Wait a minute!
Moe eyepokes Larry instead with his other arm.
SHEMP: Let ‘im alone!
MOE: (slapping Shemp) Quiet, you guys... (picks up an apple from the fruit bowl and holds it up to Larry) Have an apple!
LARRY: Thank you...
Larry holds out his hand, expecting Moe to hand him the apple, but Moe instead angrily smashes the apple on Larry’s forehead. Larry grimaces in pain while Moe grins evily as the scene fades out.
Camera fades into the next scene, with Larry talking over the phone to his fiancée.
LARRY: Yeah, I’ll be right over. You sure you love me, cutie pie?
FIANCEE: (makes a sour face) ...Of course I do, darling. (makes kissing sounds into the phone receiver)
LARRY: (makes kissing sounds back) (raising his arms in the air in excitement) SHE LOVES ME! SHE LOVES ME! SHE LOVES ME...
As Larry brings arms down, the hand holding the receiver accidentally smashes against his head, breaking the phone receiver.
LARRY: (rubbing his head) OOH! (happily) But she loves me...!
Camera cuts over to the bathroom, where Shemp and Moe are each getting fixed up for their upcoming dates.
SHEMP: (picking out petals from a flower) She loves me...She loves me not...She loves me...She loves me not...SHE LOVES ME! (throws the now petal-less flower down) Oh, boy! Now I’ll polish m’shoes! (opens up the polish bottle and look inside) Where’s the dauber?
Shemp looks behind him and searches through a box, then takes out a cup.
SHEMP: Gotta give myself a good shine, here...
Shemp pours the black polish in the cup, then takes out the dauber, and begins polishing his shoes. Moe, in the meantime, is putting shaving cream on his face.
MOE: Hey, where’s Larry?
SHEMP: Over at his girlfriend’s. ...Wonder what she looks like.
MOE: So do I...For that matter, I wonder what your girl looks like, you never told me.
SHEMP: (walking over to Moe) Well that makes us even. You never told me what your girl looks like, probably a goon! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
MOE: Yeah... (does a double take, then slaps Shemp on the face with his shaving cream brush)
SHEMP: (grabbing the brush out of Moe’s hand) Gimme that brush!!
MOE: Put that brush down!
SHEMP: (groaning) Oh, alright... (not looking at what he’s doing, he throws the brush in the cup with the black shoe polish instead of in the cup with the shaving cream)
MOE: Now get outta hea!
SHEMP: (walking back over to the over side of the room) You’re always pickin’ on me!
MOE: I’m gonna catch up with ya, brother! (while still looking at Shemp, he grabs the brush back out of the cup with the shoe polish and begins to brush it on own his face, thinking it’s shaving cream) You keep talkin’ about my girl. That’s a good way to get your head busted, remember that now!
SHEMP: (mumbling) Oh, yeah...?
Moe looks in the mirror, and then does a double take when he sees the black polish all over his face. Moe then turns over to Shemp, who is bending over while polishing his shoes, and kicks him right in the rear end.
SHEMP: OHH! OH! OH!
Shemp turns over to Moe and Moe shoves the shoe polish- covered brush in his mouth. Shemp pulls the brush back out of his mouth, while gagging and spitting the shoe polish. Moe grabs the cup with shoe polish in it and holds it behind his back.
MOE: (acting sorry) Hey, kid. Forget it, forget it. I lost my head. (handing Shemp the cup) Here, rinse your mouth.
Shemp falls for it and begins to rinse his mouth out with the black polish, thinking it’s actually water.
MOE: There ya are! (quietly laughing to himself)
When Shemp realizes what he’s really rinsing his mouth out with, he does a double take into the camera then reaches over to deck Moe in the face. Moe quickly punches Shemp in the stomach, causing him to spit all the shoe polish in his mouth into Moe’s face.
MOE: Mppph!
SHEMP: Hold it, Moe! I’ll fix it! I’ll fix ya up! (grabs a towel and begins poorly wiping Moe’s face with it) Wait a minute, kid, just a little more, just... (puts more shoe polish on Moe’s nose) Right here, I gotta put it on. (continues to poorly “clean†Moe’s face with the towel.)
Scene fades out and fades into the next scene at the fiancée’s apartment. She’s sitting on her couch and petting her cat. Suddenly, there’s a knock on her front door. The fiancée gets up and then opens the door. Larry is standing on the outside, and smiles at the fiancée as she sees him.
FIANCEE: Oh, come in! (Larry walks in) I knew your were coming so I baked a cake.
They both look the chocolate cake, which is on the table.
LARRY: Thank you! (patting the pocket of his suit) And I got somethin’ for my little cutie pie, too!
FIANCEE: (excited) Oh!
Larry takes off his coat and reveals another vest he has on under it. He then takes that coat off and reveals yet another vest under it. This goes on and on for a while as the fiancée stares in confusion. Finally, Larry pulls off his last vest, and his bottom shirt has a pocket with a lock on it. Larry opens the lock and then takes a ring box out of the pocket.
LARRY: Close your eyes!
The fiancée shuts her eyes in anticipation. Larry takes the ring out of the box, and then jiggles the box around more as if he’s expecting something else to come out of it. Larry puts the box down, and slides the ring on one of his fiancée’s fingers, then holds a magnifying glass in front of her face.
LARRY: Open your eye.
The fiancée opens her eyes and sees a magnified view of the diamond on her ring.
FIANCEE: Oh!
LARRY: (putting the magnifying glass down) There. Now how about a little kiss?
Larry and the fiancée hold each other and Larry begins smooching on the fiancée’s cheek. Suddenly, there’s another knock at the door.
FIANCEE: Oh! It-It-It’s mama!
Larry snaps his finger in anger.
FIANCEE: I wanna break the news to her gently about us. Would you mind waiting in the left bedroom?
LARRY: The left bedroom, yes!
Larry grabs all of his vests from the floor, and opens the door to the hallway. Larry then turns back to his fiancée and blows a kiss to her. As he turns back around, he bumps into the door.
LARRY: OOF!
After Larry goes in the room, the fiancée takes off her ring and hides it down the front of her dress, then walks up to the door and opens it. We see Moe standing outside the door.
FIANCEE: Darling, come in! (Moe walks in) I knew you were coming, so I baked a cake.
MOE: Oh, fancy that! You’re a honey bunny! (pinches the fiancée on the face)
FIANCEE: (noticing a bell hanging off from Moe’s hand) Hey! W-what’s this???
MOE: Oh, this! I have bells on my finger, and...(sits down on the couch and pulls off his shoe, revealing a ring on one of his toes)...ring on my toe! Ha, ha! (takes off the ring and puts it on the fiancées hand)
FIANCEE: (looking at her ring) Oh!
MOE: How ‘bout a kiss?
Moe begins kissing the fiancée on the cheek when yet another knock is hear on the front door.
FIANCEE: It’s mama! I wanna break the news to her gently about us. Would you mind waiting in the right bedroom?
MOE: The right bedroom, yes! (runs up to the hallway door)
FIANCEE: Hey!
Moe looks at the fiancée and she throws his shoe back at him, hitting him in the face.
MOE: OOF! (kindly) Oh, darling... (angrily picks up the shoe and walks in the hallway)
After Moe closes the hallway door, the fiancée takes off her second ring and hides it down the front of her dress. Then she opens the front door, and reveals Shemp standing there.
FIANCEE: Darling, come in! (Shemp walks in) I knew you were coming, so I baked a cake.
SHEMP: Oh, you shouldn’ta oughtn’ta done it...but I didn’t forget ya, either. Close yer eyes.
The fiancée shuts her eyes closed as Shemp pulls up one of his pant legs and reveals him wearing a long stocking. Shemp takes a ring out of the stocking, and slides it on the fiancée’s finger.
SHEMP: (taking the fiancée with him over to the couch) Won’t you come over here and sit down? I have somethin’ else fer ya.
They both sit down at the couch and Shemp takes out a large envelope.
SHEMP: And now honey...(takes a framed photo of himself out of the envelope)...you can have me with ya all the time.
The fiancée tries to act pleased as she places the ugly photo of Shemp on her table.
SHEMP: That’s me, honey! (starts kissing the fiancee’s hand) Eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb!
Camera cuts over to the cat, which looks up and notices that horrible photo of Shemp. After looking at it for a while, the cat shrivels up and hisses in disgust. Camera cuts to the hallway of the apartment, and Moe and Larry are each peeking out of their rooms, curious about what their “fiancée†is doing. They being wandering around the hallway, not even noticing each other at first. Then they bump into each other.
MOE AND LARRY: (together) Pardon me... (both do a double take)
MOE: Whaddaya doin’ in my girl’s house???
LARRY: Your girl??? She’s my girl!
MOE: We’ll see about that! C’mon! (grabs Larry by the hair)
LARRY: (grabbing Moe by the hair) Yeah alright, I’m with ya! Don’t worry...
Moe and Larry walk out of the hallway, still grabbing each other by the hair, and then notice Shemp and the fiancée smooching each other. Shemp suddenly stands up and walks over to them.
SHEMP: HEY! Whaddaya doin’ in my girl’s house???
LARRY: She’s my girl!
MOE: You’re both double-crossers, I’ll tear ya apart! (slapping both Shemp and Larry)
SHEMP AND LARRY: OOH!
MOE: (pushing Larry away) C’mon, get outta hea! (turning towards Shemp) You!!
SHEMP: Don’t...
MOE: You muzzlin’ in on my girl! I’ll tear ya tonsils out!
SHEMP: (grabbing hold of the chocolate cake) Oh, you will, eh?
Shemp throws the cake at Moe, but Moe ducks and it misses him. Camera cuts over to the fiancée.
FIANCEE: (yelling at Shemp) DON’T YOU DARE... (suddenly gets smashed right in the face with the cake) UGH! UHHHHHH! GRRRR!
Shemp and Moe both stare in shock at the fiancée’s cake- covered face. The fiancée storms out of the room, crying.
SHEMP: (to Moe) Look whatcha did!
MOE: (bopping Shemp on the head with his fist) Quiet! (raising his fists) Put up yer hands!
Shemp raises his arms.
MOE: (slapping Shemp on the face) C’mon!
SHEMP: OOF!
MOE: (pushing Shemp away) Get outta hea!
SHEMP: Oh, so you want a fight, eh? (starts doing his shadowboxing routine) I’ll give it to ya, whaddaya know about that?
MOE: (not intimidated at all) Yeah?
SHEMP: I’m a little too speedy for ya, ain’t I?
MOE: (still not scared) Go ahead.
SHEMP: Why, I’ll dust you off! (starts skipping up and down in place) Wait’ll I get through my little skipping here! I’m ready fer ya, kid!
MOE: Go ahead!
SHEMP: Can ya take it? Can ya take it?
MOE: Yeah... (suddenly punches Shemp right in the face) I can take it!
Shemp falls back into a wall, which knocks a nearby plant off of it’s shelf and the pot smashes over Shemp’s head. Camera cuts over back over to Moe, who’s taking care of Larry now.
MOE: (whacking Larry over the head with a fireplace bellows) Get outta hea!
Larry drops over on the ground. Moe walks up to him and places the bellows in Larry’s mouth, then begins pumping the air out of the bellows
MOE: Steal my girl, eh??!!
Moe continues pumping the air into Larry’s mouth until his stomach gets a big as a hot air balloon. Moe then puts his leg weight on Larry’s inflated stomach, and all the chimney soot from the bellows comes blowing out of Larry’s mouth.
MOE: (surprised by the amount of soot that Larry coughed up) NYAAAAAH!!!
As Moe looks at the bellows in confusement, Larry then wakes up from his daze, with his face all covered in soot, and grabs hold of a nearby chimney shovel. Suddenly, he smashes the shovel into Moe’s knee.
MOE: (holding his leg in pain) OH-OH-OH-OH-OH!
LARRY: Wiseguy, eh? (stand up fron the floor and hits Moe on the head with the shovel several more times) Do that to me, will ya? …Ya think you are?
MOE: (trying to run away) Larry, I’ll moida ya!
LARRY: You son on a...
MOE: I’ll tell ya...
LARRY: (smashing Moe on the head again) Quiet!
Larry continues banging Moe on the head several times with the shovel. After several more hits, both Moe and Larry are running out of energy. Camera cuts over to Shemp, awakening from his daze. He takes the flower and smashed flower pot pieces off of his head, and looks over and notices a practically life-less Larry still hitting an equally tired Moe with a shovel non- stop. They’re both about to pass out. Shemp then gets an idea, and walks over to the two. Shemp takes the shovel away from Larry’s hand, and gives it to Moe, and motions him to hit Larry. Moe does just that, and Larry passes out on the ground. Moe then turns over to Shemp to thank him, but then Shemp suddenly hits him with the shovel, knocking him out also. Shemp then notices the fiancée walking out of the hallway.
SHEMP: Sweetheart!
The fiancée snatches the shovel away from Shemp and then whacks him over the head with the shovel. He passes out over right next to Larry and Moe.
FIANCEE: So long, suckers!
The fiancée walks out of the door, leaving the Stooges alone. A dazed Shemp then sits back up and looks at Larry’s hair.
SHEMP: (ripping out a piece of Larry’s hair as if it were a rose petal) She loves me...(rips out another piece of Larry’s hair)...she loves me not...(rips out another piece)...she loves me...
THE END
FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in an effort to advance awareness and understanding of the issues involved. We believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information please visit: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission directly from the copyright owner.
